Defiance in children can be one of the more frustrating things with which we, as parents, are expected to cope. Whenever we instruct or direct the defant child, we find opposition at every turn, and some truly creative ways of avoiding the desired behavior.

To the child, defiance is a way of asserting control. We all want to be in control of our own lives, and defiance in children is often the only way they can see to assert that control – when instructed to do something, their only choice other than compliance appears to be saying “no.” And therein lies the key.

To handle defiance in children, offering choices is the simplest and most direct way of allowing the child to assert control in a productive and simple manner. Rather than insisting that the child do as you direct, provide the child with a choice of two things – even something as simple as choosing the order of activity can be effective.

It is important to note that a choice between reward and punishment is rarely sufficient, because this is really no choice at all, and will simply create more defiance. In children, the desire to control the environment is strong, and a choice needs to be real if we are to expect any productive result.

One such choice might be to choose whether to wash your face or brush your teeth first. Regardless of the choice, teeth must be brushed and faces must be washed; but by providing the child some control over the process, even when the end result is the same, goes a long way in addressing potential defiance in children.

The most important thing to remember is that the child does not, in most cases, want to be defiant. The reasoning behind defiance in children is not to be contrary or to have power over authority, but to exert control over the child’s own life; to make decisions that are meaningful. Simply recognizing this can go a long way in addressing defiance in children.

As parents, we do not want to be in control of our children’s lives at all. We want our children to reach a point where they can be in control of their own lives, and make choices which will be productive and beneficial as they reach adulthood. Defiance in children is not a resistance to this idea, but an effort to move the process along faster – to have that control, and demonstrate how well they can make these choices. Offering choices provides a productive and beneficial outlet for that effort.

It rapidly becomes second nature, to offer a choice when faced with defiance. In children, the drive to “grow up” – and have greater control over their lives – is one of the strongest drives they experience. Simply providing an avenue for the child to express this drive, and demonstrate greater responsibility and intelligence, can rapidly and dramatically reduce defiance i children.

To learn more about solving problems with your defiant child I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

Most parents have enough to handle with their children, even when there’s nothing more than the usual childhood behavior. But when your child has oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), the usual parenting techniques and patterns seem counterproductive – dealing with ODD can be a stressful and confusing task. To handle it effectively, it seems like you have to work a lot harder and longer to achieve half the success of other parents.

The major problem most parents of ODD children face isn’t so much the opposition itself, but the nature of the children they’re dealing with. ODD goes beyond the usual “problem with authority” every child displays to some degree, and comes primarily from a deep-seated need for the child to be in control. The parent, in many cases, feels out of control… as though the child simply cannot behave.

Underneath the defiance, however, there is the same battle all children fight: the battle for self-determination and independence. Every child wants to be in control, and dealing with ODD becomes much simpler when you understand why the child is being defiant in the first place… because defiance works. It places the child in control, and frustrates any and all efforts by the parent (or other authority figure) to be in control.

When dealing with ODD in your own children, or other people’s children if you are a caregiver or other professional, there is a simple understanding that makes all the difference. All you must do is understand why the child is defiant, and address the needs for that defiance in another fashion.

Children are defiant when they feel out of control. Once they understand that they do have control, and are capable of making choices that affect their own lives, dealing with ODD is not as difficult; the child learns, over time, to make those choices intelligently and correctly.

Even when you’re not dealing with ODD in your child, the same processes can improve discipline in children simply because these desires and impulses – while exaggerated in the ODD child – are universal. Every child wants to make choices that are productive and helpful in achieving their goals, but the difficulty is in identifying which behaviors achieve goals in the long term; not just at the moment.

For parents that feel a little lost without guidance, many programs exist which offer help in dealing with ODD or other discipline issues in children. Newer programs offer novelty; older programs offer time-tested techniques. Some programs, such as James Lehman’s, fall in between the two… being both time-tested, and based on recent understandings of how the childhood mind works.

Dealing with ODD is not an impossible task, nor is it particularly difficult – once you understand the goals of the child and how to help accomplish them. By moving from being the other team (which must be defeated) to being on the same team, working with the child to achieve the same goal, dealing with ODD can actually become a natural and normal process that requires little effort.

To learn more about dealing with ODD I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.