Parenthood is probably one of the most paradoxical jobs. Oftentimes parents blame themselves for their child turning out not exactly the way they envisioned the child to be. Parents blame themselves when the child becomes an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gang member. What to do with this child? This is probably the worst parental nightmare. On the one hand there is the natural parental predisposition to be protective of, and pander to, every whim and caprice of the child. On the other hand there is the natural desire to reform the child and to see him grow up to be a responsible adult.

The parent who does care about the child, his welfare and his future, and who wants the child to be prepared to face the harsh realities of life, is sometimes constrained to practice tough love.

Tough love is a term used when one person treats another with seeming harshness but in reality does so with the good of that person in mind. There is an actual feeling of love and affection but this is blurred by the seeming merciless treatment that is being shown.

Tough love entails a degree of sacrifice on the part of the parent, especially on the part of the doting parent. It is not easy to be tough on one’s own child. Who wants to be tough on one’s child?

A parent’s natural instinct is be soft on the child. Much as he wants to be however, he also understands that he has to exercise a modicum of toughness if he is to be of any help to the problem child. He realizes that the only way to discipline the child and solve the problem is for the parent to be firm and unyielding in his discipline. This will at times require him to be harsh or even callous, something that is abhorrent to a parent. Most parents hate being strict to the point of being harsh with their children. But parents also realize that not exercising firmness will result in the child going merrily on with his malevolence, something which is just as, if not more, abhorrent to the parents.

There is then reason enough to exercise tough love on children. Parents must realize early on that under certain circumstances, there really is a need for them to be tough on the child to the point of being harsh and maybe even callous. This may not be appreciated by the child at the onset. In fact the child will in all probability hate it. But the parent must persist in the thought that it is the only way to act if he is to help the child. With perseverance and determination, tough love tempered with kindness and compassion will produce the desired result and end in the improvement in the child’s life. This will make him ready to face life and appreciate the good things that life brings.

When can we say that a child’s behavior is becoming a problem? I, for one, understand this behavior not just because I’m a parent. I understand this because I was a child once and yes, my parents thought I was a problem child. Did this mean that I was a bad kid? Or probably, my parents just didn’t know how to “handle” me. Maybe, I didn’t meet my parents’ expectations of what a child should be.

A child’s behavior depends on his age, personality, physical and emotional development. As many of you may have noticed, you consider your child’s behavior as “bad” because your expectations are not met. I must confess that I have done this with my own child, forgetting that this is the very same thing that made me rebel against my own parents. As a parent, you should define what to expect from your child at certain ages. You can’t just tell them not to do something or stop doing a certain thing without them understanding why. You should not underestimate a child’s ability to comprehend. This is one mistake that parents often commit. Patience is the key.

Here are some Tips on How you can Cope with Child Behavior Problems

1. Give him time to play. Children will always be children. They will always want to play and telling them not to would only make matters worse. Imagine someone telling you that you can no longer do your favorite hobby. How would you feel?

2. Listen. Talk to him about his day or things that interest him. Just listen.

3. Let him know that he is loved. You can never say you love him enough. Let him feel that unconditional love that only a parent can give.

4. Encourage him to join a group. Ask him if he wants to go for sports and join a team, or, he can join a club where he could feel that he belongs.

5. Be consistent. It is better that you have only a few rules but enforce them consistently. This is very important. If a child feels that he can get away with some things because you allow him sometimes, believe me, he will do it again and again.

6. Give time-outs for misbehavior. Your child should realize that there are consequences to misbehavior, like there are rewards for being good. Time-outs should depend on your child’s age. A 10 minute time-out is recommended for most.

7. Never give physical punishment. Aside from the fact that you can go to jail for this, physical punishment could only result in abuse, resentment or anymosity.

8. Try new parenting skills. Ask your friends or relatives what parenting skill works for them and apply it so you will find out what works best for you.

9. Time. To cope with your child’s behavior problems, you need to give extra time and commitment. You need to get to know your child better so you would know the best way to deal with him.

10. Seek help. If you think that you are having serious child behavior problems, you should ask for professional help while your child is at an early age.

These tips have helped me a lot when I deal with my own child. You might also want to get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman. He is a Bahavioral Therapist and you might want to learn a thing or two from him about dealing with child behavior problems.

Many families move through the teenage years with extending some of the limits but safe inside the borders that they and their teens consistently bargain. When your teen’s actions become unpredictable or harmful — coming home very late at night or not coming home at all, taking drugs, stealing, has become promiscuous, or dropping out of school — your method of relinquishing the strings bit-by-bit may end in abrupt rupture. It doesn’t matter whether the crisis is about drugs or pregnancy, there are quite a few methods you can take as a parent to mend this.

When your child is in crisis

The first thing you do is to determine whether, in fact, you are faced with a serious crisis. All adolescents experience these phase of experimentation and risk taking. But when the hazardous behavior becomes habitual, your child may be in a serious fix. When your child comes home drunk or stoned once or twice, it isn’t a crisis but, coming home drunk or stoned almost every night is. You should consider whether your child’s erratic behavior in one area of her life is in conflict with other parts of her life. Has her enthusiasm in attending dance clubs meant she has lost contact with her former friends and stopped activities she used to love? Is your child’s behavior stopping her from going on with her life? Is she cutting classes so often that she’s in peril of failing or dropping out of school altogether?

The teen crisis immediately becomes the family crisis. As you handle your teen’s predicament, the needs of his siblings can get pushed aside, and everyday life dims with the dread that your teen’s trouble may become tragedy.

The duty of adolescence is to constitute a separate identity, which means she should establish a few degrees of separation — even from the people who matter most to her. Although being apart from one’s parents is an important step in a healthy adolescence, it becomes difficult if family relationships go wrong somewhere along the way. Maybe there’s an alcoholic in the family generating constant uncertainty or you just never really connected with your child. It could also be unresolved difficulties in the early life of your child.

It will help a lot, however, for you to realize that the change process is slow and will take time. Over time – usually considerable time – you troubled teen will make a big progress, especially you as a parent are able to find constructive and effective methods or programs. Progress varies tremendously in teens; some move in the right direction more quickly than others. Wise parents keep in mind that most of what happens on the path is out of their control; they just do the best they can to give the right support and environment so that their kids will progress as quickly as they could.

I have used a program that really works for me. The skills that you need to learn are easy but effective. Grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

I had to run to the grocery store the other day because I ran out of milk and cereal for my daughter. While I was on the aisle where they had all kinds of sweets, I saw another woman and a child. One moment the child was very quiet and the next he was throwing tantrums and literally throwing some things on the floor. No matter what his mom (I presumed) said to him, he couldn’t be placated. I have read many articles about having an out of control child and I know that it is not easy.

Normal children also have tantrums, they cry, even they throw things on the floor. How, then, can you distinguish a normal child from an out of control child?

Here are signs that could help you determine if your child is out of control.

You can consider a child out of control when he often displays aggressiveness towards others or when he seems to be overwhelmingly arrogant, rude, or defiant when he is shown well intended actions. Out of control children may bite for no reason, throw tantrums at will with total disregard to their environment. They spit, whine or cry constantly or they become manipulative just to get their way.

You sometimes ask yourself where you went wrong and you feel that you have failed as a parent. But If I were you, I’d rather spend my time and energy in finding a solution to the problem. There are many kinds of programs out there that can help you in dealing with your out of control child. I’m not talking about just any program, but programs that actually work. I have a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman and the programs that I applied worked wonders.

Being a parent of an out of control child is not the easiest thing in the world. It’s physically and emotionally tiring, way too stressful, and overwhelming. However, you need to know that you are not alone and not all is hopeless. I’m going to share with you just a few tips that could actually help you with your child.

Remind your child that you are in control. How can your child give you respect when they know that they can run you? If you let this happen, then it is the end for you. Follow through limitations/punishment. You cannot expect your child to recognize your authority if you can’t even implement the agreed limitation/punishment. Give verbal praises and not monetary rewards when your child has done a good behavior. This will also teach him that not all good things can be rewarded with money. Uphold your authority while you allow your child to have the freedom that he is entitled to. Being too firm or too complaisant is not a good thing to practice and you should be aware if you are doing this. Lastly, if you think that you’ve had too much and you are about to break down or fall apart, walk away and don’t let your child see that he has that kind of power over you.