Archive for April, 2010

Understanding Compensatory Behavior in Difficult Children

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There comes a point in time in every parent’s life when child-rearing would both become a blessing and a bane. Despite the many perks of being able to raise a child, have you ever experienced arguments with your kids because of their bad, abusive or inappropriate behavior? Did you ever encounter a shouting war with your son or daughter? Do you sometimes feel like your kids have openly declared rebellion? These are just a few of the many questions and experiences that hit you in your daily traverse of being a parent.

The facts are that a lot of unrelenting disputes between parents and their children have turned many homes into veritable combat zones. Parents sometimes order their children to clean their rooms, do their homework, or be in bed by a certain hour. But chances are, most children with behavioral problems or learning problems would seethe with resentment or even worse, would openly defy their parents. Defiance is one of the rational yet illogical excuses most parents make mistakes about when their child display bad, abusive or inappropriate behavior. But taking a closer look, children with behavioral problems or learning problems more often than not unconsciously exhibit a thing called compensatory behavior.

If we look at kids in a general view, because of their youth they encounter a myriad of perceptions, thoughts, and feelings. And you would expect that given these feelings kids would react in certain ways to different situations. Sadly, some children tend to react in ways that disappoint or even anger their parents.

When children are experiencing difficulty or anxiety they tend to find outlets or physically manifest methods of venting out their reactions to these conditions and situations. This is where compensatory behavior in children comes into the fore. Children who get anxious and disturbed because of difficult situations react in ways that they think would compensate for the uneasy feelings they experience. Children develop and cultivate these reactions in order to compensate for these feelings and perceptions of difficulty, anxiety or uneasiness. Thus, we may call it compensatory behavior in children.

For example, when a kid is nervous or anxious about a certain activity what he might do is start running around the living room or jumping on the furniture in order to compensate those feelings of unrest. But to the parentsí point of view, this behavior might come out as defiance. What most parents donít realize or notice instantly is that they tend to see the behavior of these children as immediately defiant. This puts the children in a disadvantageous situation, bringing out more stress and uneasiness which in turn begets more inappropriate responses in the eyes of the parent.

What the parent needs to understand is that these children are finding ways to compensate for the feelings of anxiety and unrest they are experiencing and that these behavioral responses shouldn’t be immediately tagged as defiant behavior. The child is compensating for feelings of anxiety or fears that he is experiencing but doesn’t know how to deal with.

If you have a child with bad, abusive, or inappropriate behavior, I recommend that you take a look into discussions about compensatory behavior in children at The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

Teach Your Problem Child How to be Responsible

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Everybody, especially problem children, has a role to perform in this world. No matter how small the role is, it needs to be done. And with each role that we perform, there are rules to follow; without it, everything would be in chaos.

When your child was at a young age, sometimes you didn’t have the patience to teach them how to do things properly, especially when you came home tired from work. You would choose to do things on your own so it would be done faster. Remember those times when you were teaching him how to tie his shoes, but because you were in a hurry, you would kneel down and do them instead. Like I said, you were impatient to get it done.

As your child grew older, he got used to the idea that his parents were there to solve his problems. He has become a problem child. Now, every time he is in a fix, he just thinks that it is not his problem to solve. He is not accountable for his actions because his problem solvers are there.

You want your children to be responsible, right? I don’t think that there are parents who don’t want this. The thing is that, you may be doing it the wrong way. You need to make your children understand that nobody will always be there for them, thus, it is necessary that they take responsibilities and accountability seriously.

What you can do is explain to your child the roles all of you play inside the house. As a parent, you should tell him what your responsibilities are.

Basic responsibilities of parents:

1. Pay for rent/mortgage.
2. Provide food on the table.
3. Send children to school to give them a good education.
4. Guide children so they make good decisions in life.
5. Be there to support kids/spend time with children.

There may be more responsibilities depending on the needs of the family.

Basic responsibilities of children:

1. Go to school.
2. Do homework.
3. Be good in school (this means behaving appropriately in school)
4. Clean own room.
5. Be home at the agreed time.
6. Study.

Shared responsibilities at home:

1. Household chores (cleaning the house, cooking, washing dishes, mow the lawn).

These responsibilities should be made clear to your child and they need to understand that nobody else is going to do it for them. They need to comprehend that there are consequences for their lack of responsibility. They need to learn how to be accountable.

You should also emphasize that you are not negotiating when it comes to doing these things. Allowing your child, a problem chld, to negotiate with you is a big mistake. This will only make him negotiate every single thing that you tell him to do.

Try to learn new parenting skills when it comes to teaching your child how to be a responsible teenager without the shouting match that usually comes with it.

If you have a child with deviant behavior, I recommend that you grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

Why Bribing Your Defiant Kid Is Not A Good Idea

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Many parents try to bribe their defiant children with money. They just don’t have the time nor the patience to discipline their kids. In this day and age, both parents work hard to support the family and career has become very important. For some people, it is no longer satisfactory to have just enough money for the family but to have more in order to buy more, and maybe show off more; and for some people, they are just plain workaholics. Keeping up with the joneses is indeed a tough job that they forget that there are children waiting at home for them. Children that need guidance and supervision.

Due to your absence, your children have found other people to turn to when they are in trouble and you just cannot trust these people with your children’s welfare. So, because of the guilt you feel for not being around when your children need you, you try to compensate it with money or material things. These are the things that rule your world and therefore think that it can also make things right for your kids. Unbeknownst to you, your child could be spending that money on cigarettes, alcohol and worst of all, drugs. Without your guidance, your children have made friends with the wrong set of people who encourage him to do all these bad things and teach them how to get away with it.

It will then become a habit or a game. Every time your child misbehaves, he will make you feel guilty; telling you that you were not there anyway when he needed you and will ask you to give him more money and material things. You will again feel the guilt or you will be just too tired to argue that you will just give in. You dig deeper into your pocket and give him what he wants. Defiant children love this. Imagine: parents are not there to chastise them and then give them money to do whatever they want with it. It’s almost a dream come true. You need to realize that these things are not what matter. Sure we all need money to get by, but you don’t have to spend all your precious time finding it. Your kids are your greatest treasure and they deserve more than just a fat bank account.

Time management is the key to have balance in your life. We always tell our kids that there is a time for everything. If you think there isn’t, then make time for it. There is time for eating, time for cleaning, time for work and time for your children. You need to set a good example. If you don’t have time for your kids, expect them not to have time for you too and the only thing connecting you is money.

Try out new parenting skills on how to deal with your defiant child. Do not condone such acts. It may hurt you and your child at first but you know that in the long run this will benefit you both. Bear in mind that this is for the good of your children.

If you have a child with deviant behavior, I recommend that you grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.