Archive for August, 2010

Why Intermittent Reinforcement is Effective

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It is a must for every parent to be acquainted with the concept of how behavior is shaped and affected by intermittent reinforcement. Simply put, this behavioral concept believes that a behavior will be definitely difficult to change if the consequences of that behavior are not predictable and are not given on a regular basis. This principle applies whether the consequences involved are good or otherwise.

Some parents still confuse the concept of reinforcement in an overwhelming extent. In fact, there are even some parents who confuse positive and negative reinforcement so bad they are at a loss at deciding what kind of behavior should be reinforced and which one should be discouraged.

So to make things clearer, what intermittent reinforcement means is that the last thing that you would consider doing if you want to change an unacceptable behavior in your child is to be consistent about rewarding any good behavior. If you reward your child for washing the dishes for the rest of the year, you are teaching your child to help out ONLY when there is a reward – defeating the real purpose of letting him do the chore in the process.

Casinos are based on this principle. If you are a regular gambler, and say for example you lost every single time, common sense will tell you to stop playing and give it a rest. But if you win every once in a while, you will continue playing until you get extremely tired or until you realize the obvious and call it a day. That is why it becomes a bit wondrous why some people still sit and lose one game after another and still continue to play.

So when your child behaves appropriately in the store, every now and again buy your kid the toy that he wants or let him eat the food that he likes and tell him that you are doing it because of his good behavior. You will realize that the good behavior will continue in the same way that immediately taking your child home the moment he throws a tantrum is effective at eliminating the undesirable behavior.

Animal trainers do this all the time as well to maintain desired behaviors in their pets. The manner of “treat every time” is slowly reduced into praise and treat “every now and then”. In time, the animal continues to do the desired behavior consistently even when it does not always get a treat.

Just make sure that when you apply this behavior, you are consistent yourself – what is bad today should be bad tomorrow, and the next day. Try to be as consistent as you can in responding to your child’s behavior.

Being inconsistent is the worst thing that you can do to your child. Children are still confused and unpredictable, so your consistency will make things predictable for them.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Not Giving Your Child Attention When He Wants It

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All parents want the best for their children – the best school, the best dress, the best doctor, the best room, down to the most nice-looking haircut. Parents tend to give their child all ears and all eyes. Although there is nothing wrong with loving your child with your all, giving too much of anything is a bad thing.

You have to realize that the level of attention that you give your daughter when she was a year old should not be the same with the level of attention that you give your daughter when she is ten. That means feeding your child in her toddler years is thoughtful, but feeding her when she is about to go to high school is way out of line.

Parents should learn to slowly break themselves away from their kids emotionally and physically as well. It is not an easy thing to do and needs a tremendous amount of effort and time to fulfill. But every parent must slowly cut that powerful connection between parent and child that lets the former fall into a trap of thinking that their kids are the only ones who matter.

There is nothing wrong with loving your child and caring for her, but when you overdo it certain problems could take place. One possible effect of loving your child “too much” is an ugly sibling rivalry, or if you have only one child, it could turn him into an attention-seeking brat. Aside from that, concentrating all your attention in your kid alone could also impair your child’s emotional development.

Say for instance you took your 10-year old son to his Pediatrician. The moment you arrived at the waiting area, he started to crawl on fours and began to wander the hospital lobby crawling and no matter what you say, he just won’t stop. Obviously, your child is trying to get your attention and he is quite successful at doing so.

You noticed him, other parents and children in the lobby noticed him, the nurses and the staff noticed him too. But while doing all that, your child is not just trying to get your attention, he is also telling you that he can do what he wants and you can’t do anything about it.

So how do you address such unacceptable behavior? Simple: change the way you react to your kid’s behavior. Instead of whining about his behavior, completely ignore it and do not give it any importance.

You will be very effective at controlling your child’s attention-seeking behavior by leaving the premises once he starts making a show; that way you don’t feed his want for attention. “I misbehave so I get attention. I get attention so I misbehave.” Your job as parent is to end that cycle, in any way possible.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

The Proper Way of Talking to Your Child’s Teacher

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Part of being a parent is having to talk to your child’s teacher from time to time. So if one day your son comes home crying complaining about something school related or if you notice your child having a difficult time doing his assignments or is getting low grades then perhaps talking to his teacher is a good idea.

The day will come that your child will complain about a classmate, or a difficult subject, or the teacher herself. When that happens, your kid’s teacher is the best person to ask about what exactly is going on with your child academically.

Any parent can easily get emotional when a preschooler comes home sad and disappointed from school. But you also have to keep in mind that the teacher stands in front of 18 to 30 kids all day, each one having unique needs and concerns. Therefore it will be impossible for her to accommodate everyone at the same time.

The best way to address your kid’s issues at school is to call the teacher and set up a meeting. Now, it helps if you will not think of the meeting as something formal and stiff, and instead think of it as a problem-solving session with a friend who is willing to help.

As your child’s second parent, lighten up in the fact that your child’s teacher also wants the best for your child. Walk to the meeting with an open mind and with the willingness to work together as partners. If you want your child to enjoy his school work and aim for better grades, it would help if you know how to approach his teacher without putting your parent-teacher relationship at stake.

As soon as the meeting is scheduled, keep in mind that you and the teacher are on the same side – no one is against anyone. So as you walk to the teacher’s office, think about collaborating with a partner for ways of solving a particular problem.
Remember, your kid’s teacher is your ally and not the enemy. So work with her in understanding the real problem and find ways together on how to deal with it.

Approaching your child’s teacher in a non-confrontational manner and with a prepared list of concerns ready is perhaps the most effective way to clarify your concerns. Regardless if you are upset with what your child told you what happened, start with a warm hello and a friendly tone.

Making a list of your concerns is the most important thing to remember here – when you do this, you will be able to stay focused during the discussion. On top of that, you will also be able to make sure that all your concerns are tackled, so you do not go home and realize that you forgot to point out something.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Scheduling Your Child’s Complaints

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Of course, all children have their tolerable annoying moments of whining and complaining. But when your child begins to whine about almost anything and tends to dwell on the dark side of things, then you need to do something about it. Although children usually have a lot of things to say about the world, looking at the negative side of things all the time poses a concern.

If your child regularly say, “THIS, is dinner? I don’t like it!” or perhaps he usually complains in a way like, “Why do I have to do my homework? I don’t like to do it!” then you should find a way to handle it as soon as possible.

Having a child who keeps complaining about every little thing in life can be extremely exhausting emotionally. You might even find yourself one day feeling so fed up that your ears seem to fall off from listening to your child whining about how unfair the world is all day long.

It is impossible for parents to simply shut their ears off and ignore their child’s complaints. Why? One possible reason is that the parents themselves are major complainers and tend to look at things negatively as often as well. So when their kid starts his complaining monologue, the parent instantly sees himself in his kid.

Another good reason is perhaps, the parent begins to think of ugly things in his head the moment his child starts complaining about the weather, or about the car, or about his dog. And when you hear your child complain on and on about how unfair you have been treating him or how your coat is put on, you start to feel drowsy and your energy begins to fade.

What should you do then in order to avoid feeling used up by your child’s complaints? Well first, you need to explain to your kid the kind of behavior that you want him to have. Tell him that there is a huge difference between being positive and being negative, and tell him the effects that both have on a person. It also helps if you sit down with your child every day and talk about the things that you do not like about each other and about everything else.

It would make a huge difference if you set up a particular time for complaining. Say you tell your child that from 5:00 to 5:15, you will listen to everything he tells you. And if his complaints are legitimate, then you will try and make some changes.

Make sure that your child whines only during the agreed time. So if the rants about the world before or after schedule, dismiss him and say, “We have time for your complaints, remember? We will talk about that later.” That way, you limit your child’s whining without asking for an argument.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

How to Handle Obsessed Kids

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A condition called Asperger’s syndrome is defined as the child’s development of a striking interest in something. Although this might be a little confusing since kids often feel interested in a lot of things, this behavioral condition often causes a lot of problems both to the child and to the people around him.

Instead of just having a normal hobby, kids who are obsessed do their interests at the expense of the other aspects of their lives such as school and family. That is why it is the concern of parents who have kids with this kind of condition to control the situation and keep their kids’ interests at certain boundaries.

You will know that your child has an obsession problem when he becomes extremely eager to learn more about that particular interest. Some kids who are obsessed with a video game for example become very enthusiastic about learning as much as they can about the game without realizing that they are ignoring other aspects of their lives.

When your child begins to demand things that are related to something that interests them and throws a fit whenever you refuse them, then perhaps your child has a behavioral problem. Kids who are obsessed with things are so absorbed with those things that they begin to lose interest about other things such as making friends or socializing with others.

If you find your child obsessed with his younger sibling, you will notice odd behaviors that are not usually present between a normal sibling relationship. Your child might talk about his sibling non-stop all day long, sometimes even trying to veer every conversation towards his sibling.

When your child is obsessed with something, he will incessantly talk about it. Aside from that, he will also not be patient with any interruptions as well as any unrelated interaction when he rants about his particular obsession.

Although obsession is pretty much common and there are already established guidelines on how to go about it, keep in mind that every child is different and that every obsession is different as well. Therefore, your aim as a parent should be to reduce the amount of time spent on your child’s interest and making sure that whenever he answers to his obsession, he will not get hurt.

The best way to handle your child’s obsession is by controlling his access to that interest. Your child will always spend as much time as he can on his obsession, so you need to keep that under control. One way is by bargaining a couple of hours as “interest time” in exchange for a completed chore or a finished homework. Although there will be resistance in the earlier stages, sooner or later your child will come around and will comply to your rules.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

Following the Single-Issue Structure

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Contrary to the common excitement of most parents, they are some parents who feel worried instead of thrilled whenever a new school year begins. The start of the school year does not mean shopping for new notebooks and fitting new uniforms for some parents. Instead, it means another year of fights and arguments about getting homework done and about not cutting classes by their obnoxious children.

Every parent dreams of a successful son or daughter, and one way to make sure of that success is by having a good education. That is why the moment a teenage daughter back talk something like, “This assignment is so stupid. I’m not doing it!”, it causes an alarm. Most especially if a son tells his dad with confidence, “I don’t need a degree. A lot of people have great jobs without going to college!”

If you want to keep your children from having this kind of thinking, then you should start teaching your kids responsibility and the value of education while still young. Keep your eye on this single issue and work on it by helping your child make a habit out of it – impose a house rule about study time, doing homework, going to bed early during school day and so on. When you constantly remind your child about these things while still young, he will carry this on as he grows older.

However, do not expect it to be easy. You will have to go a series of “but I’m tired mom”, “I don’t understand, can we do it tomorrow?”, “It’s so hard, do it for me”, “I hate math!”, “This is so stupid, I don’t want to do it”, “The deadline is still on Friday, I’ll do it on Thursday”, “My teacher doesn’t know what she’s saying, I don’t want to do this” before you can actually instill the values in your child’s head.

In order to avoid falling into those traps, think of something that will make him do it without resorting into a power struggle. Find a way to make your child do it without actually telling him to.

You can tell him, “You can only watch cartoons if you finish your homework.” Or if he wants to eat that pie on the fridge, tell him, “I will let you eat one slice of pie if you answer your math exercises first.”

Creating a situation where your child is unable to get what he wants unless he does what he is supposed to do is one effective way of teaching kids the lessons that they need to learn. “I’ll be at the living room with your assignment until you’re ready to do them.”

Setting a condition like this and focusing on the issue will let your child learn to be responsible and eventually like doing schoolwork. With help like that, you are letting your child accomplish something without giving him a chance to back talk.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Talk Back. Check on the link for more information.

Ways to Discourage Kids from Justifying Their Behavior

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Every parent will arrive in that point where confronting a teenage son will be necessary. Say for example you are concerned about your children getting into bad vices and hanging out with bad company. So you ask him one night, “Charlie, are you smoking?”

Releasing something as huge as this can lead your child to react in two ways, either he denies the behavior like what most teenagers do and tells you, “What? Of course not”, which brings up a concern for honesty and lying; or your son can admit it to you pointblank but with a certain flaw, “Yes I smoke, but all my friends does it so it’s normal.”

What your son did was not just give you an excuse; he was also trying to justify his behavior. Children tend to do this because they believe that if they can justify their actions, that makes it okay. So next time you ask your daughter why she pierced her nose, expect an answer that goes something like, “Everybody does it mom, so relax.”

A child trying to justify his behavior is a child who does not know the value of responsibility and accountability. If you tolerate your child with all his justifications, you are allowing him to think that he can do anything he wants without consequences.

Part of being a parent is the duty of teaching your kids to certain boundaries and limitations. That is why you need to discourage your kids from making justifications of their actions as early as possible. And the best way to do that is by teaching them two important values: accountability and responsibility.

The first thing that you need to do in order to build a home that upholds accountability and responsibility is by making sure that you have a positive relationship with your kids. Spend quality time with them and try to strengthen a good relationship with them. You will not be able to teach your children anything valuable if they don’t trust you or anything that you say.

You can also teach your kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions if you give them assigned tasks regularly. You will be more effective and teaching them how to be responsible if you give them a routine, perhaps a weekly or a daily task. Try giving your kids daily or weekly tasks, even something as simple as changing the sheets or putting the trash out.

But the best way that you can teach your kids to be responsible is by showing them yourself. How can you tell them to be responsible if you are not showing them that you are responsible as well? If you really want your kids to learn how important owning up to their mistakes and being responsible for their actions are, then it should start with you first.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

How to Stay Focused in Disciplining Your Child

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Although it is not a matter to celebrate, it is a reality that a lot of parents out there are being held hostage by their abusive children. Some mothers even dread bringing their sons and daughters at the mall because they know they will end up buying anything their children want, just to avoid being humiliated by their kids in public.

When parents feel powerless against their kids, the typical ending is giving in to their children’s every whim. But the thing is, when parents respond to their kids’ unacceptable behavior by backing down they are not actually providing solution to the problem. Instead, they are encouraging their child’s behavior because they are letting their child feel superior over them.

Children continue to abuse their parents because they know that at some point, their parents will give in. When your child starts to make a scene at the mall and what you do is buy him what he wants to make him shut up and stop humiliating you, you are actually sending him a message that misbehavior works.

If you do not respond to your child in an effective way every time he makes a scene in public, you are letting him create a pattern of behavior where he learns to blackmail you to give in to his qualms. When you give in to your child’s tantrums and public outbursts, you are encouraging his thinking of “Give me what I want or I will humiliate you”.

Buying your son the robot that he wants when he starts yelling and screaming in public is actually strengthening his wrong behavior. Every time you reward him, you are like telling your child not to change and not to mature. Every time you give in to their tantrums, you are making that portion of your child’s personality valid and accepted.

But perhaps giving a screaming child what he wants is the easiest way to make him stop, what with all the things that we have to think about. Especially when we start to get into a long argument with our child in public, our minds can easily jump from one concern to another. So what can we do in order to stay focused?

If you find it hard to stay focused whenever your child throws a tantrum, it will help if you write down your concerns in an index card and keep referring to it. You can have two or three things on this card, and carry it with you at all times or when you go to a place where your child is likely to make a scene if you fail to give in to his demands.

Doing this will certainly help you keep your focus whenever you and one of your abusive kids gets into an argument or whenever he tries to distract you off the topic with his yells and screams.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Take One Issue at a Time

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Giving consequences to abusive kids, especially when they are approaching adolescence has always been one of the biggest challenges to all parents. In fact, some parents give up and seize trying out of hopelessness and frustration. There are kids that no matter how hard their parents try, they still continue their unacceptable behavior or even get worse.

Most parents will certainly agree that finding the right consequences as well as the right privileges, and following through with them, is one of the hardest part of disciplining children. Although there are a lot of things that you can take away from your child in reality, parents usually find themselves powerless and with limited choices.

So what should parents do in order to teach kids who talk back appropriate behavior? If your daughter talks back, what should you do? If you tell your son that you are going to take away his iPod for a week if he does not get an A at his upcoming math test and he tells you, “You can try”, what should do?

First, you have to make it clear to your child that there is definitely no excuse for abuse, verbal and physical. Let your child know that in your home, any form of abuse is not tolerated. If your child continues to refuse the consequences, make things clear by saying, “Arguing with me like this is not going to change the rules. You know what you need to do right now.” Then walk away.

Always remember not to engage in a power struggle with your child, because once you do, things will get more complicated and out of hand. Engaging in a power struggle with your child is a trap that will give him a sense of control, something that he has been trying to get.

The key to properly disciplining your child, regardless of age is by focusing on one thing at a time. Yes as parents it is completely understandable to have a long list of things that you want to change or you want your child to do differently. But be realistic, attacking someone with every little thing that they are doing wrong will not make them change.

If you tell your child everything that he is doing wrong at one blow, he will be overwhelmed and will choose to stop trying altogether. Choose one or two at the most, of the most “alarming” behavior that you want to change in your child then focus on the skills to improve, the consequences to use, and the means of encouraging those new skills.

One way to help abusive kids improve is by teaching them to solve one problem at a time, so focus in on one thing: doing homework, cleaning the room, saying “thank you”. When you see your child improving on those areas, move on to the next behavior and so on.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

Making Excuses – Correct the Process Not the Excuse

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No parent will feel surprised when their child avoids responsibility as much as they can. Every time a child does something wrong, 9 out of 10 children admit their mistake on the spot. The usual scenario is that a child points at someone else or makes up a silly excuse such as the classic, “My dog ate my homework.”

However, a child may admit that he is wrong but with a slight problem. “Yes, I did it but…” is that line familiar to you? Kids may acknowledge that they did something wrong, but with an excuse at the end. “I’m sorry, but you did it first.” “I’m sorry, but it’s mine.” “I’m sorry, but you asked for it.” “I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

When your child tells you these things, he is actually apologizing with a condition – “I’m sorry but it is not really my fault.” You have to be very careful not to let your child form the habit of making excuses for his actions. When your kid does not learn to own up to his mistakes, he is not learning how to take responsibility for his behavior. When he fails to learn to take responsibility, no matter what you do, he will not be able to change and correct his behavior.

Children learn to make excuses when parents ask them, “Why did you do it?” That question begs for an explanation, and in a child’s mind, his main goal is to avoid any punishment and blame. So when you ask your child a reason why he punched his sister in the face, thinking of a way out from the possible consequences or your disapproval becomes the automatic response.

When your child finds out that making up an excuse for his mistake actually gets him out of trouble, he will try to use that weapon over and over. It starts with a harmless excuse at a young age, but begins to escalate into bigger excuses as they grow older in order to avoid being held accountable for their misdemeanor. But without accountability, genuine change in behavior is hard to achieve.

When your child tells you, “I’m sorry I punched her, but she pinched me first”, challenge his thinking on the spot. Saying sorry is a good thing, but is meaningless when followed by an excuse. When your child makes up excuses, do not try to disvalue his excuse. Instead, correct his act of making an excuse.

So when your son tells you his sister broke his toy first that is why he kicked her doll, tell him, “Regardless if your sister broke your toy, it is not an excuse for kicking his doll.” Explain to him that making any excuse for his actions will not erase his mistake and will not save him from the consequences of his action.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

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