Archive for September, 2010

Showing Authority in Parenting

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Contrary to what some parents believe, showing authority to kids is actually a good thing. Kids need it to grow up in a healthy and proper manner. Children tend to thrive from the fact that they have parents who are in charge, who make rules, and give out consequences. While it is true that parents should be loving and fair to promote a good parent and child relationship, kids want to feel secure.

Parents can provide that sense of security when they are parents who are in control. In reality, children do not really want to be in charge, even when they seem to be running the show in the house almost all the time. Kids can get into the nerves of their parents, but they know deep inside them that they do not know enough about the world.

In order for kids to feel safe, secure and loved, parents should confidently take over and make the final decisions. Children see their parents as figures of authority. In the eyes of a child, a mother and a father are like God. Parents are omnipotent and omniscient – they care, feed, and clothe their kids. And most of all, they protect them from harm.

Teach your child to learn things out of his own willingness but under your authority put him in an environment where there is acceptance. Children are able to greatly improve when they are taught to develop their skills and maximize their potential under a firm, yet flexible parental authority.

One way to establish your parental authority over your children is through positive reinforcement. It is a universal fact that people repeat a certain behavior when its exhibition comes with a reward. However, there are some parents who have issues with giving rewards to their children to make them cooperate or agree to requests and expectations.

If you do not want your child to depend on the reward before doing something good, you can keep a record of all his deeds and then agree to a certain extent before he gets his reward. Children like the idea of charts and graphs. You can have a “good deed chart” at home and put a mark or a gold star for every successful performance.

But on top of the charts and the rewards, the most effective way of showing parental authority to your kids is to show it with love. Of all things, your kids need your love the most. So even when you do not personally agree with the rules that your children need to follow, act as if you do if you think that it is for the best.

You will not become effective at showing parental authority when you go against the rules set for your child just because you don’t agree with it. This will make your child think that he can also do the same thing.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Too Much Honesty Can Harm Your Kids

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Sooner or later, the day will come where you will find your kids watching prime time news with you or listening to the same radio station you have in your car. That means that your child be exposed to sensitive topics like sex, drugs, abortion, stealing, shooting someone, and so on. After that, it will only just be a matter of time before your kids begin to ask you questions that you will find very difficult to answer.

Just imagine your child asking you about having sex or about abortion. What if your 16 year old daughter asks you about it, what will you say? What if your son asks you if you have tried smoking pot before, would you admit it? Should you always tell everything to your kids?

One way of getting away with awkward conversations like this is to leave the room and just drop the subject altogether. However, the most effective way of handling this is to prepare your answers for these kinds of questions. That means that you should think of the answers even before you are asked; you need to think into the future and evaluate the effects of the “truth”.

For some time, experts believed that the best way for parents to handle this kind of situation is to just let the truth out in the open. So if you smoked pot when you were young, all you have to do is to let your child know about it. When you follow this strategy, honesty is the most important thing in the world.

However, there is one problem with this. This strategy does not consider the maturity of the kids, it does not consider if they are already equipped to understand sensitive issues like sex or drugs. Being too honest with your kids like this does not consider your child’s readiness to hear such serious and complicated information. For all you know, your child may not be ready to hear you tell them that you used to sleep with other women.

If you are being honest with your kids just to get it off your chest, then you are actually making yourself better by compromising the psychological stability of your kids. While being extremely honest like this does not directly threaten your image to your kids, it will serve as an encouragement or inspiration for them to do the same things.

Always remember that your children treat you as their role model, so you have to be careful at sharing your experiences with them – they might find certain information difficult to understand or confusing.

Yes, honesty is one important virtue, but you also have to consider proper timing and proper age when it comes to telling your kids sensitive matters. When you tell kids certain information, consider their readiness to hear and understand it.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Your Children are Not Little Versions of You

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Parents often worry about their kids because they only want the best for them. Although the intentions are good, parents should not overdo their job as parents. Meaning, they should not be too conscious about their kids “accomplishing” something at a certain age.

Most parents worry about their kids not developing on time – like they have this checklist that they should complete by the time they reach the age 3, 7, 10, and so on. Some parents panic when their son still does not talk at the age 1, or when their 7-year old still wets the bed.

One contributor to a problematic parent and child relationship is the tendency of parents to have too high expectations. While it is also wrong to be too permissive or too strict, parents should know first what the actual abilities of their child are before setting the bar. They have to know their child’s actual potential first before setting anything.

Recent studies show that a lot of parents make the mistake of expecting too much from their kids. Most parents expect their kids to do the things that they are not yet capable of doing, and then they judge them for not being able to “meet the standards”. But actually, thinking that way is wrong.

The problem with most parents is that, they tend to overly age-target certain things. But what parents should understand is that children develop differently and in their own pace. If your daughter is good in Math, it does not mean that she will also be soccer team’s team captain.

You need to learn to stop looking at parenting under a subjective light. Avoid setting certain standards within a small group, and avoid judging your child according to your own experience. Stop comparing your kids to your cousin’s, to the neighbor’s, or even to your own childhood self.

You might be aware of it, but a lot of parents put extremely high expectations of their kids’ physical and psychological abilities. A number of child studies show that most parents consistently overestimate certain aspects of their child’s life. Like for example, a lot of parents get easily disappointed when their child do not meet their demands when it comes to self control, obeying instructions, performance, or even about their child’s social abilities. Worse, parents get too honest and real about this with their kids.

Always keep in mind that your child does not need you to get real, but he needs you to be understanding and considerate. As a parent, you should be sensitive to the fact that not all children are great in Math, or can swim fast, or can sing well. Your children are not little versions of you. They are not little adults, they are kids. So stop treating them like they are 30.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Why Expecting Too Much From Kids is Bad

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Having expectations from children is perhaps one very confusing issue when it comes to parenting. One parenting book will tell you that expecting too little from your kids is not helpful, while your friend who is a mother of three tells you otherwise. Expecting too much from kids will only discourage and pressure them, all at the same time.

Almost all parents want their kids to learn things right away. Parents want their kids to be the best in class and to behave themselves like adults at home and in public. However, rushing children like this is usually the reason why some parents forget that every child is unique. It is not any excuse, but rushing our children into doing things right there and then actually gives them a lot of stress.

You have to bear in mind that children learn and grow at a different pace. That means that children do not get to achieve or surpass certain aspects in life in the same way, or at the same time. So, you should not expect your son to be as smart as his classmate or be as talented as his cousin.

There are certain ways that will help you find out if you are putting a lot of pressure on your child’s shoulder. Ask yourself if you are the kind of parent who expects his child to say all the nice things in public. Ask yourself if you keep telling your children “stop acting like a child” or if you often find yourself scolding your daughter when she refuses to play the piano in your friend’s house.

One of the most important things that you must do as a parent is to understand that your child is different from others psychologically and behavior-wise. You have to understand that not all children are born friendly, or social, or extrovert or emotionally stable just because you think they should be.

As a parent, you have to learn to stop expecting your child to do the things that you want them to do correctly, right away. You have to stop making your child feel how disappointed you are when they are not able to meet your demands.

When a child feels that they fail at pleasing their parents, they become sad and feel discouraged. When they realize that they are not “good enough”, they develop low self esteem which could later on make them feel depressed. That is why before you expect anything from your child, assess first his potential and capabilities.

If they just learned their first sentence, do not rush them into saying a full paragraph. Do not feel disappointed when they do not say “thank you”. Gratitude is one thing that kids do not understand right away. So do not expect them to acknowledge your every parenting deed.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

Give Your Kids Options through a Menu

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Learning the art of gentle yet firm persuasion is one of the things that every parent should learn. Being able to persuade kids to do the things that you want them to do require skill, and it usually needs a lot of time and experience. Just imagine being able to convince your son into doing his homework without getting into a heated argument, then parenting would be less stressful.

That is exactly the reason why you need to learn how to persuade your children. It does not happen overnight, but it is very possible. If you know how to convince your kids, it will make a lot of difference. You have to accept the fact that kids are not wired to obey instructions, that is why you need to help them do what they ought to do.

You should help your children realize that there are certain things that they have to do, whether they like it or not. Even when your child is a strong willed one, you should think of something that will make him do the things that he should be doing.

Although it sounds impossible, you can let your children do everything you want them to do without having to repeat yourself over and over. There are some things that you can do to make parenting less stressful. If you do these things, sooner or later, your children will cheerfully respond to your instructions.

Think about the time that you can save if there was less fighting or arguing. Think about how much anger you can avoid if you know how to make your kids do what you want them to do. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up one day and not hear complaints or get ignored by your kids when you tell them to finish their vegetables? Or perhaps be obeyed right away when you tell your kids to wash their hands?

But if you think that kids get all suddenly obedient after you tell them so happens overnight, think again. You have to learn to accept the fact that it is a part of a child’s nature to refuse anything that adults, especially their parents, ask them to do.

With certain techniques, you will be able to get around that. There are actually some things that you can do to make your children follow your every instruction. One of which is to give your children options. But first, you have to know the things that they like doing so that you know what rewards to give them.

Have a menu or a list of things that they like doing and later use those things to help replace certain behaviors that you want to discourage. Tell your son, “I see that you like this video game. If you help your sister with the chores instead of watching TV all day, I will let you play this.”

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Use Reciprocity and Replacement to Change Children Behavior

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Before anything else, a parent should first find out the reason behind a child’s misbehavior. That is the only way that the parent will be able to identify the necessary measures to take in order to change the way his or her child behaves. You see, children always work toward a certain goal. If you know what that goal is, you will be successful at modifying the behavior.

When your child has a negative behavior that gets in the way of learning or building personal and social relationships with other people, you should make an assessment of the behavior and look at it in an inquisitive manner right away. The moment you know the reason behind the behavior, the next step is to identify ways that will help your child improve.

For most parents, giving consequences to misbehavior is the best behavior modifier. While implementing consequences is also effective, its effect is not as long lasting. Although parenting experts and parenting books say that we should give our children consequences, in the real world, consequences can only do so much.

A more effective and a more enduring way to change a child’s behavior is to encourage positive behavior in children. But then again, know that encouraging positive behavior is entirely different from decreasing negative behavior. Most parents actually think “getting rid” of a certain bad behavior is enough, when actually it is not.

Instead of focusing on getting rid of an unacceptable behavior, parents should be more concerned in promoting good behavior in their kids. Instead of thinking about how to make your son stop throwing tantrums whenever he fails to get what he wants, identify the root causes of such tantrums and address it with a more acceptable behavior. So that your child will be able to behave in a more acceptable way, use reciprocity and replacement behavior.

There are different ways to replace a bad behavior, depending on the purpose of the target behavior as well as the child. But regardless of how you do it, always keep these two things in mind – know the reason behind the bad behavior and address that reason using a positive behavior.

So if for example your child starts screaming in the living room because you did not answer her right away because you were talking to a friend or were on the phone, know the reason why your child threw a fit. Did you disappoint her? Was she using her tantrums to get your attention?

If she was using it to get your attention, show her reciprocity and give her an alternative behavior. Tell her, “If you want to talk to me and I am in the middle of something, you can get my attention by raising your hand. If you do that, I promise to give you my full attention.”

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Showing Your Child the Right Behavior

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If you have been a parent for some time, you probably already know that yelling never works. However, a lot of parents, and even teachers, still commit the common error of shouting at kids when they are misbehaving. Instead of correcting a bad behavior, yelling only draws a negative attention to the behavior and to the child.

When you yell at your kids whenever they do something wrong, you are actually giving more attention to their wrongdoing instead of doing otherwise. Worse, if there is a room full of children who are behaving, they might get the message that misbehaving is one effective way of getting the attention of their parents. That will only increase the likelihood for children to misbehave.

In order to properly correct your child’s inappropriate behavior, you should use disciplining strategies that will help kids respond positively to their limitations. In other words, disciplining your kids should be an opportunity for you to show your children the right behavior. Instead of yelling at your children, you should guide them instead in increasing positive behavior.

Together with eliminating unwanted behavior, you should also aim to increase or transform the behavior that the child should be doing. In fact, doing this is will be much more effective in increasing positive behavior. There are a number of ways to guide your kids to do positive behavior, and the first one is through giving praise.

Parents should praise their kids frequently and enthusiastically when their children do something good. There are several purposes in giving praise. First, it gives the child a sense of social approval. Second, it lets the child know that he is on the right track. Third, it serves as a reminder of the desired behavior that kids should do. Praise is the best reinforcement for younger children, who are more eager to please the people around them.

Another way of guiding kids to continue doing proper behavior is by giving them a visual reminder of the desired behavior. You can have simple point sheets or sticker charts and post it somewhere really visible at home.

Assign a certain number of points for a certain good behavior, and let your child earn points by doing such behavior. Give your child a sticker whenever she does something good and at the end of the month, let him trade the stickers for a small prize. Remember, giving rewards is a very powerful tool in changing children behavior.

If you want to guide your child into doing the right behavior, reward him when he behaves appropriately. You can either set a reward for doing a certain behavior or for a certain period of time – like he eats his dinner first before eating the cake, or doing his homework first before playing with video games.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Using Behavior Replacements to Correct Improper Behavior

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When you ask parents about their strategy in teaching their kids appropriate behavior, most will automatically talk about giving consequences. While giving reasonable consequences is crucial in changing a problem or unacceptable behavior, using positive techniques often lead to better and more long lasting results.

As a parent, you should understand that behavior is communication. So when your child is doing something, it could be his way of communicating a certain desire to meet a particular need or to avoid something. A lot of children especially those with issues in verbally communicating themselves find other ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Kids communicated their desires differently. There are some who use inappropriate methods such as aggression, yelling or other self-harming behavior. This is where parents and caregivers assume a significant part in assisting the child to learn a more appropriate way to communicate.

Aside from consequences, positive behavior is also a very effective way of changing a child’s problematic behavior. Actually, encouraging a positive behavior means teaching a different kind of behavior in lieu of the inappropriate one. Positive behavior is like giving your child a replacement behavior or a more acceptable alternative that your child can do to replace the previous, wrong behavior.

In order to give your child appropriate alternatives for their inappropriate behavior, you should first identify which types of behavior should be changed. When you know what to change, it will be much easier to change it. Knowing which behavior to correct will help you locate an appropriate alternative and reinforcement to give your child when the situation calls for it.

Your child will repeat any behavior, good and bad, whenever he receives a certain reinforcement or value from caregivers or parents. Hence, one way to increase the likelihood that the child will display the alternative behavior is to give that certain behavior corresponding praise or rewards.

If your child does his homework after you told him, “I would like you to stop watching TV and do your homework” give him an extra scoop of ice cream later or let him watch TV a few minutes longer than usual. You should know what motivates your child as well so that you will know what things will serve as an incentive for the child to behave more positively.

Every parent should know two very important things – what motivates the child and that a child’s behavior is shaped over time. That means that no behavior can be changed overnight. If you just introduced the alternative behavior to the child, do not expect him to automatically do it in a snap. Give him time to get used to it, but make sure that you do your part in giving him reinforcements and praise. Be patient, and be consistent.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Talk Back. Check on the link for more information.

Tips to Show Your Kids Unconditional Love

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Perhaps the greatest gift that you can give your children is the gift of unconditional love. Telling them that you love them no matter what is the most effective and the most meaningful message that you can possibly tell your children. But unfortunately, kids are not yet capable of comprehending vague concepts such as love and affection.

If you do not tell your kids you love in bold and obvious ways, then you will not be able to express it effectively. While telling your kids you love them downright seems a daunting task, there are actually a few simple ways of telling your kids how much you care.

The best way to tell your child you love them is by actually saying it. Express how much you love your children first thing in the moment, right before they sleep, during and after an argument, on the phone, while making her breakfast, while waiting for her bus, and so on. Be sure to communicate with your kids as much and as often as you can, in any possible way.

If you think that telling your child “I Love You” is a sign of weakness or permissiveness, then you are awfully wrong. Yes kids can be really annoying at times, but they deserve to know that they are loved no matter what. Expressing your love to your children does not necessarily imply that you will tolerate their unacceptable behavior or turning a blind eye on their mistakes. Instead, loving your kids means loving them in spite of everything.

On top of verbally expressing your love to your kids, you should also follow it through with some visible and tangible efforts. Write them notes, letters, post-its, cards and others that will tell them you love them. If you want, you can even make a little note on a napkin and pack it together with their lunch.

When you leave your kids love notes like these, you are like telling them, “I was thinking about you this morning, but you were out in school.” You might not be aware of it, but writing does a lot of wonders to a child’s life.

If you have the time and the creative thumb, you can also take it a notch higher and show your kids your love by making them things – clothes, play dough characters, doll clothes, cupcakes, burgers, ice cream, spaghetti, and so on. One way of becoming an effective parent is by sharing a hobby with your child.

But the best way to show your kids your unconditional love is by being there for them, physically. Be there for your child at school plays and during soccer matches. Even when they are just playing in the park on a weekend, show them you care by looking at them with a smile or giving them a secret wave.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Show Your Kids Responsible Love and Concern

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A lot of parents believe that giving their kids expensive gifts and material things will show how much they love their kids. Although kids like to have toys and play with a lot of things, the joy that they feel after receiving the gift will fade in time. So the moment your child finds the toy less interesting than before, that symbol of love becomes meaningless as well.

You should know that money is no expression of love and concern. If you think that by showering your child with all the material things the world can offer will make them love you more, they are wrong. But then again, this is one common lie that all of us have been made to believe.

A lot of us were made to think that loving our children means buying them the most expensive and the latest gifts and toys, even when they are outside our budget. Sadly, this is the setup in a number of households.

Some parents have the assumption that if they love their kids, they have to buy them the “best” things – meaning the most expensive. And if they do not, they are selfish and insensitive parents. However, there are certain ways to raise happy and well raised kids without spending a lot of money.

If you can afford to buy your kids everything that they want and you choose to because you think it is wise, then good for you. However, know that there is a huge difference between giving your kids everything while compromising your family’s financial stability. Risking your family’s financial welfare just to give your child the latest Nintendo will not do anything good for you, and for your child.

When you give your kids everything they want, you are not showing them love but inspiring an entitlement mentality. If you give in to your kid’s every want, they will grow up wanting all their life. Instead of being self-sufficient, they become demanding and dependent. Instead of looking forward to achieving their goals, they become entitlement oriented and ungrateful.

Kids do not need material things, what they need are adult love and concern. Instead of giving them the latest Play Station, think of ways to show them you care without spending a single dollar. One effective way is to spend quality time with your kids as a family. Actually, the pressure of showering your kids all these material things are from you, and not from them.

You can bond with your kids through a family night or a weekend getaway. No need do anything fancy, you can whip up a special dinner that your kids will surely love. You can play games at home out of blankets and pillow cases, order pizza and watch cartoons all night, and so on.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

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