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One of the things that we all understand about children is that they need discipline. The big question, and one that is rarely addressed, is how exactly to do this – we have the old disciplinary methods our own parents used, and a large number of new childhood discipline methods that modern parents are encouraged to use, but it can be very difficult to figure out which methods really work.

But what does it mean, exactly, for childhood discipline to work?

What is discipline?

In most cases, we think of the punishment our children receive as discipline. We institute childhood discipline with consequences, to demonstrate to them what should and should not be done. What behavior is acceptable, and what behavior is not acceptable. We teach them a framework of rules by punishing them when they step outside that framework, breaking those rules.

But is this discipline?

When we say that an adult is disciplined, or has discipline, do we mean this adult has been or shall be punished?

Or do we mean something else entirely?

It’s important, when developing a childhood discipline program, that we understand what discipline is – and why what we do is discipline. The key element of childhood discipline is not to be punished, or to face consequences, but to consider the future. A disciplined adult acts with knowledge and forethought, considering the likely result of an action before taking it.

This is why childhood discipline so often fails.

The value of childhood discipline is not whether it causes the child to feel sorry, or to experience remorse, or even to avoid “naughty” behavior. It is whether the child comes away from the experience with a stronger and better ability to predict the likely result of future actions. And most childhood discipline programs, provided by parents who are almost never trained or experienced in developing such programs, fail miserably in that regard.

A program of simple punishment and consequence does not teach the crucial problem solving skills that children need to learn how to predict the results of their actions. Experts in the field, such as James Lehman and others, have developed far more effective childhood discipline programs that support the real needs of children as they develop into adults.

The most important behaviors all children need to learn begin with the critical skill of reading social situations – understanding other people, what they want, what they expect, and how they are likely to behave when things happen. And these skills begin, for each of us, with an understanding of ourselves… understanding what we want, and expect, and how we’re likely to behave.

In short, your children need to learn and understand what they want and expect, and how they behave when they want and expect those things. This is the cornerstone of childhood discipline; understanding whether the way they behave will result in the things they want and expect – and in time, how to behave so the things they want and expect actually happen.

To learn more about childhood discipline I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

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