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Saying that you are sorry for a mistake that was made comes easy for some; and for others it’s really hard. Not just for kids, mind you, but this is also true for adults. But let’s talk about your children.

Young children often worry about being punished, which is why they will sometimes try to pass the fault to somebody else. They may also lie, or come up with excuses for their actions. They have a difficult time owning up to their faults. When they have no choice because they were caught doing “bad behavior” they immediately become defensive and try to blame someone else. They think that by doing this, they’ll somehow get away with it. Teenagers, more so than younger kids, just don’t want to be told what to do. They hate being caught in the act of bad behavior, and they really hate it when you confront them.

I remember when I was a teenager and I almost failed a subject in school. My teacher sent a letter to my parents and, well, my parents hit the ceiling. I remember being scared and angry at the same time because I was not even given a chance to explain myself. But the truth was that, there was nothing to explain. I almost failed because I got lazy and didn’t do the things I needed to do. So, while my mom was flying into a rage, I was also starting to boil with anger. I began making up excuses for the outcome I was facing. I blamed my teacher for not knowing how to teach and just about anything I could think of. It didn’t work, of course, but I was just so angry at my mom.

Teenagers don’t know how to channel their anger well. So when confronted with a mistake the wrong way, they tend to get defensive, followed by getting angry. They usually don’t admit their mistake and even more rarely do they apologize with sincerity. Have you ever heard your child say “I’m sorry I hit my baby brother but he started it”? This is a child apologizing because he knows you expect it of him, but not because he truly believes it was his fault. There are also cases when your child tries to blame you for what has happened. When you notice this, you might try to explain to him that it wasn’t your fault. This would create a never-ending debate, and you’ll quickly forget what the original issue was. By the time you establish the fact that it wasn’t your fault, you would be too exhausted to go back to the real issue and your child gets away with it…again.

Here’s the big secret with respect to apologies … I’m being partially sarcastic here because the “secret” is pretty obvious once you think about it. Instead of trying to get your child to apologize first, focus on having him admit that he made a mistake. Do this without judging him, because you want him to feel safe making this admission.

When he has accepted his mistake, genuinely, it’s a lot easier to get a sincere apology. Often your child will apologize on his own (without you asking), after he first accepts his mistake. This is no easy task and it requires a lot of patience from you but you will be grateful you did this for you and for your child.

Dealing with child misbehavior can sometimes take a toll on us. I have found a program that teaches you tons of amazing tools to help you deal with your child effectively. Get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

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