Declare Your Rule To Your Child in Black and White

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There’s no point in identifying, confronting, and challenging the triggers if you are not going to declare your rule about it. One thing to remember when you declare your rule is to keep ti simple with no emotions involved, simply in black and white.

A parent can say to the child, “Don’t talk to me that way because I told you not to be verbally abusive to your sister. I won’t let you talk to me that way.” Or you could say, “Don’t turn your back on me just because you don’t want to hear what I’m going to tell you.”

You can also say to your child, “If you think that I’m being unfair doesn’t mean you can call me names.” Or you can tell him straight to his face, “Just because you think that your sister is not being nice to you, you can steal from her. This behavior is not right and it’s not acceptable at all. If you want to communicate with me don’t talk to me that way.”

In this case what you are doing is telling your child that he doesn’t have any alternative but to do what you suggest him to do. It’s all in black and white. It’s your way of saying that he would suffer from the consequences of what he has done. It’s your way of making him realize that he would not have certain privileges until such time he takes into account and practice all the alternative behaviors for making him behave well.

This is what responsible love and concern is all about. When a parent does this with his child, he must state it in a matter of fact way without any emotions involved. He should be doing it in the kitchen table in a one-on-one setting. It’s very business-like, very serious, and matter of factly, which will make him realize that you are not intent on making him do the alternative behavior.

You as a parent must also let him understand that there are two things that he should bear in mind always when it comes to his behavior and these are: 1) what are its effects to others or 2) if it solves the problem at all.

It’s your responsibility to tell your child that it’s not a good behavior if it hurts other people or if it doesn’t solve the problem.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem child.

The Child Must Challenge and Confront His Own Perceptions

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The ultimate reason why the parent must challenge the wrong behavior of the child is for the child to challenge his own perceptions in the end. That’s why it’s not enough that the parent would let the child understand that what the child has is the wrong perception of what happened. He also has to confront the triggers and challenge them.

An example of how to do it would be to tell your child, “The rules seem to change when I said no to you when you asked me to drive you to your friend’s house last Friday.” It could also be in this way, “The rule of not stealing no longer applies when I told you to study on the kitchen table instead of your room.”

That’s the vital part about identifying the triggers of your child’s behavior. You simply have to find them out in order for you to challenge them. Basically, you challenge the triggers through putting your ideas into words. It’s the parent’s way of saying that rules should not change because you feel bad about me telling you no. The about not being verbally abusive to your siblings stays there even if I don’t let you play your video game on a Monday night.

More often a child would say, “Well, I shouted to Helen because she was not being nice to me.” Or he might say, “I don’t like math and doing the home work makes me sleepy all the time.”

What the parent must do is to challenge it by saying, “So just because you find it hard to stay up while doing your math home work, the rule about doing your home work changes?” Kids don’t have answers to statements like this. Another statement that kids are fond of making when they misbehave is that they say because you made me angry.

The parent would have to confront the issue then by saying, “Because you’re angry at me doesn’t make it okay for you to call me bad names.” And if your kid tries to evade the matter by saying for example, “That’s crazy,” then you tell him then you are not ready for this confrontation.

You as a parent must then make your child realize that this is supposed to be an honest conversation between you and him and that both of you must be committed to it. Then you must make him realize that he won’t be able to have the privileges back until such time he realized that the rules are set and that he should follow it.

The child must realize that whenever he does something unacceptable, there are consequences to it and the privileges will not be given back to him until such time he does the alternative behavior.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

How to Bring the Kid’s Focus to the Real Problem

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There’s one thing that your kid is more likely to do when you are confronting him head-on even if you are not blaming him or you are extra nice when you do so. Your kid will most likely resort to being emotional. He will lash out his anger at you and badmouth you or be verbally abusive to the other kids who he thinks has wronged him.

So when a parent is trying to help his kid come up with new strategies for behavioral change, he must keep that focus. It’s helpful to have a list with you when you are discussing things with your child. What can be part of the list is: discussion of how he doesn’t do his homework regularly or how he managed to steal $10 from his dad’s pockets while he is asleep.

It may be a bit funny and awkward but it is also a way of showing that you are dealing with the matter in all seriousness. Remember the concept of running your household and your family concerns just like you do with your business.

What a parent should do is to tell the child, “You know the last time you think that I am being unfair to you, you punched a hole in the wall. Your teacher can attest to that. As what you can see, Tommy, that’s just not working, no matter how many times you are going to do that.”

Usually to get away from it, the child will resort to “wishful thinking.” The child would usually say, “Okay, mum, I won’t do it ever again.” When the parent asks his child what he is going to do, he would simply say, “I just won’t do it ever again, okay?” Most likely after some time he will do it again.

As a parent then, it’s your responsibility to tell your child head-on, “Well, Tommy, I don’t think that wishful thinking is ever going to work at all. We simply have to be more focused and come up with another strategy here.

It also helps if you let the child realize that the more he sticks with the “wishful thinking” part, the more he is getting himself into trouble. This is a good way of keeping him focused and making him realize the significance of the matter.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Identifying Triggers of Bad Behavior with Your Child

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Most often the kids won’t be able to figure out the triggers of their negative behavior. When this happens the parents can help the children realize those triggers without having to result to backtracking and blaming.

Kids are prone to pulling their parents back to that incident and making them feel that they should be guilty. This is where parents must take control of the situation.

It’s best to talk to your child and let him realize his own triggers by asking him questions such as, “When was the last time you talked dirty to your sister?” it’s that time she didn’t allow you to drive the car so late at night.” Or it could be, “The last time you bad mouthed me was when I didn’t allow you to drink up until late Friday night with some friends.”

It’s also pertinent that the parent would let his or her child feel that it’s his perception of what happened that mist be wrong, again without the parent finger pointing at the child. It’s like saying, “Tommy, I know what you think there is that I have been unfair to you. But what exactly happened is this… When you don’t get what you want, this usually triggers the bad side of Tommy. It’s all about what you think of took place in the incident and there are times when what he think is not really what happened there.”

The important thing in this scenario is for the child to express his views, his ideas and whatever he thinks is happening. As a parent, you must also make your kid understand that perceptions of what’s happening may differ in every person and it may be that what one person thinks of what happened is not what really happened.

The most common reaction of the child in this situation is to start bringing up the emotional side of it. This is when the blaming and the crying would try to make you as a parent start to feel guilty yourself.

But that shouldn’t be the case. As a parent, you should see to it that you keep your focus. But as a parent, you have to remember that when your child starts getting emotional about it, it’s not because he is intending to hurt you or he is plotting it. The child simply doesn’t know how to handle the situation and this is his way of doing it.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Confronting Your Child for His Misbehavior

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When your child misbehaves one of the things a parent dreads is confronting him. But when we say confront, it doesn’t mean you are being hostile to your child. Nor does it mean arguments or shouting or having to throw dirty stuff at each other.

Confronting is much like meeting someone head-on honestly. This would mean having to tell the child what you saw happened or what the teacher saw or the child’s guardian saw. Of course in a confrontation you must give the child enough time to express his own perception of what happened. Then you tell him what you saw happened. It’s more like comparing his perceptions with the facts of what took place.

There are so many instances when a parent must do it. An example would be to tell the child, “I know that it how you feel and sometimes things do happen. I don’t think you’re crazy to be thinking that way but here is what I saw. When I got inside the room I saw you grab your brother’s hair and I heard you shout to your sister.” Or it could also be, “I know that you hate being disturbed when you are reading silently in school but here is what your teacher said. You suddenly threw the book you were reading towards your seatmate.”

One thing that a parent has to remember is that with confrontation what you actually want is to change his behavior and not his reasons or his feelings. That’s the logic behind having to compare his perceptions, his thoughts, and his ideas with what really happened. So when he starts to jump in to his own version of what happened you simply have to refocus him to the present.

In the end, the child may still think that it is unfair to him that he gets reprimanded over having to talk back to his sister that way, but still you as a parent has got him to do it anyway.

The parent in other words has to be reminded of what his purpose is for the confrontation, which is to change the kid’s behavior and not his perception of his behavior. Try to remember that in the end what matters is that the child gets to behave well in school. The realization may happen later when he gets older, which is usually the case.

Children are not morally upright yet. Nor are they aware of their wrong behavior that’s why parents should be there to guide then all the way by being role models.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

How to Investigate When Your Kid Misbehaves

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The first thing to do when a kid misbehaves is to investigate what happened. You have to know what happened and with that you have to ask your child his perceptions. Most often, these perceptions are also the triggers for his misbehavior. That is why it is significant for you to investigate. In that way, you know what makes him behave in that manner.

It is not wise to argue with your child at this point. Neither are his perceptions clear since most often they are distorted. But the thing is you do have to hear them to establish the triggers.

One thing that you are sure about is that something happened there. Your child saw something. That’s why it is even more necessary that you stick to the facts and don’t let his distorted perceptions get in the way of your finding out what triggered his behavioral problems.

It is also significant for a parent to stay focused on what’s happening in the present and not to look back to what happened in the past. With this, you must also avoid blaming him or other people over what happened in the past. Nor should a parent justify his actions or even the actions of his own child.

A parent will only be able to do this if he won’t let his feelings meddle with his decisions and the way he is investigating his child. Thus, the questions in this instance must all be clear, concise and straightforward. Treat it like your handling a business issue.

Contrary to what most people would insinuate with running a home or managing your children, you have to be business-like with them. It’s the only way that your children will realize how serious you are about your rules although this doesn’t mean you would not feel totally anything at all towards your children or that you won’t allow your children to feel anything towards you. For sure that’s not the case with successful businesses as well.

Here’s an example of what you can say to your child when you’re investigating. You tell him, “I know for sure that you have a reason for doing this. I want to know what your thoughts are.” Once the child starts to talk, the parent owes the child his needle focus. It’s his time to tell and the parent must not interrupt the child while he is at it.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Look for the Alternative Options in Dealing with Your Kids

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A parent can only help his child behave well if he knows the right approach. There is such a thing as an alternative response when the child starts to misbehave. The usual reaction of a parent would be to yell and to talk to the child offensively.

A parent needs to have the tools, the right way to talk, the right tone and be able to use the right words for his child in the aim of making him realize his misdeed and to be careful not to do it again.

In this manner, the parent is making the child accountable for his actions and his behavior. Through an alternative way of responding to the child’s misbehavior the parent is aiming for a different response as well from the child. Aiming and doing what’s not common entails the use of methodology, formal talk, and formal manner of resolving the child’s problem.

It’s all about thinking out of the box and doing what something different for the child to help him in problem solving, training him how to do it until such time he can be left to fend for himself.

The purpose behind going for the alternative perception of the child is that you want to come up with solutions that are different. Parents can’t simply accept what seems to be usual answers from their children. Nor do parents want ideas and thoughts that have been used for years now but every parent knows they don’t work.

Remember that a child who feels he is responsible for his own actions would tend to be careful of his actions. This way he would be able to experience as well getting the rewards and punishments that come with every goal set for him to achieve.

Parents must look beyond the real issues when their children start to act out in public or when they decide not to do their home work. One alternative approach for this situation is making your child work on the kitchen table where you can watch him do his assignment.

This is a good alternative compared to not letting him go to the mall with you this weekend which he may even appreciate more. There are alternative means to resolve issues with your child. Make use of that all the time.

Here are some tips about obedient child that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

The Proper Way of Rewarding Your Child

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Your child needs rewards, but not all the time. And parents must be aware that there is a right way to reward them. Oftentimes parents mistake a pat on the back as a reward or when their child simply learns how to walk the first time, they reward him.

One thing parents have to remember is that children must not be rewarded when they accomplish things that every normal child has to accomplish. Rewards are only given when the child achieves the goals that are set for him.

An example of this goal would be to get a B in his science subject. As a means to achieve it, the parent and the child had an agreement that the child would have to do his home work on the kitchen table where everybody can see him work. This is for mum and dad to make sure that indeed he is working on his home work.

If the child does good in one home work or a school quiz on the subject, he merely gets a praise like “Good job!” or a pat on the back. The reward comes later on when finally the child consistently gets good grades in science so much so that he gets a B average. That’s the right time when the parent should reward the child.

How would the parent know then when to give reward? The parent simply has to prepare a menu wherein he lists down all the things that the child likes and pair them up with goals that both of them have set up. In this way, both of them will know when the right time to give rewards and also this gives the parents a guide for follow up and to check whether the child is on the right track or not.

One cardinal rule the parent has to remember in giving rewards to the child is that the child should get a reward that he likes. Usually this is a thing that most kids love to do. For example, a Nintendo game with friends on a Friday night at home will make a good reward for Tommy while Halley might like to have some friends to sleep over on Friday for some girl talk.

The reward could also be that the child instead of doing his home work on the kitchen table in full view to everyone can now do his home work in the privacy of his room. Rewards need not be complicated or expensive. It may not be something that can be bought.

Rewards are not the same as praises. Kids need not be rewarded all the time but they do need some amount of praise if only to prod them to go ahead, do well and achieve the goal.

Here are some tips about child with obedient attitude that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

How to Discipline Your Obnoxious Child

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Parents often have concerns in handling their obnoxious children. There are tools that are needed for these children. Most often, parents also have to address some personal issues they have. One thing that both need to address, referring to the parent and the child, is goal setting.

In proper parenting, before you start to point out so many behavioral problems you have in mind, you must come up with specific goals. But first and foremost, you would need to define what a goal is.

A goal is not a wish. Most often children make wishes, like I want to be a good child to mom or I want to have a B in Math. Parents also commit this mistake of making a wish instead of setting a goal for their parenting.

A goal is when you say I will have to say this in order for Tommy to understand how important it is that he does his assignment. Or it could be that I will do this so that Tommy will find it hard to disobey me when it comes to eating dinner on time.

As a parent, it is also your goal to help your child come up with goals that are achievable and are clear cut for his own understanding. This will make it easier for him to follow.

Another thing that makes a goal a goal is commitment. This commitment is done when you make a pledge or a promise to accomplish something at a certain time line and with specific requirements. Without this pledge, you can’t have a commitment and without commitment there is no goal to speak of.

Kids often take false optimism as commitment. They would often think about doing great things someday and achieving great things. They simply cannot associate that goal with their having to do their homework every night or their having to finish the science project on time and not watching TV too late. It is now the parents’ role to let the child understand the goal, their commitment, and how their actions can lead to the attainment of the goal.

Another defining concept of a goal is specificity. One has to be really specific in one’s goals. You can’t say to your child, “You need to have an early bedtime.” It has to be, “You have to go to bed at 9 PM and not later than that.” By doing this it becomes clear to the child what time he is to sleep and what are the consequences if he won’t sleep at bedtime. This is also true for whatever goal you set with him to correct his problem behaviors and enhance more the right ones.

Here are some tips about children who are obedient that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

Being Committed to the Goal

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Commitment is one aspect that is needed in achieving a goal. For both the parent and child, commitment has to be preserved at all times for them to change the behavior of the child and for the parent to change his parenting style if need be.

Commitment is not something subjective. It is something that can be seen or observed. The following are some of the elements that have to be considered when you are figuring out what commitment is.

Commitment should be definitive. It’s not enough that you say I have to be home early. It should be I have to be at home every 6 pm so I can help my child in his home work. Children often don’t know how to moderate things. They often say I will the best child there is in school. How they can do this? They don’t know how to answer that themselves. Parents should guide their children to come up with more definitive goals. An example of this would be you have to get a B in science by studying more on the subject. You need to spend at least an hour on this every day.

Commitment is also observable. It’s not that you behave because you feel good. The good feeling comes from behaving properly. So when kids have become committed to their goals of behaving properly, it will show in their actuations and their behavior.
Commitment should also be reasonable. When it comes to time frame, skill set, as well as tools required, commitment must be doable by the child or by the parent if it concerns him. In that way, all the aforementioned aspects should be considered.

Another aspect of commitment that a parent must look into is if it is measurable. By measurable, it means you must be able to know if it is effective or not. With this, you will know if you are to pursue it or not.

In order for you to find out if the commitment works or not, you have to answer these four questions:
1) How do you know it’s working? 2) How do you know it’s not working? 3) What will happen if it’s not working? 4) What will happen if it’s working?

It’s working if you see some changes in the child though this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s common to see your child’s behavioral changes go one step forward and then take two steps backward. You simply have to keep on doing it.

One thing you have to remember also is that you don’t have to implement any punishment on the child. If he falters in his task, he will experience the consequences himself and that is enough punishment for him. That is why when you have a goal to be committed on, it should be quantifiable and objective enough to follow and measure.

Here are some tips about obedient child that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about problem child.

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