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Helping your Teen Manage his Anger

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Angry_TeensEverybody gets mad at one point or another. You come home tired from work and you see that your house is a mess, you get mad. Your husband sees a scratch on his car, he turns red with anger. Never expect your teenager not to be angry about anything. He is human after all and, like us, he is also susceptible to this emotion. This is considered to be normal. This is how your subconscious mind releases emotional and mental pressure. However, not being able to control anger is not normal.

This could be the case in most teenagers. They let their anger get the best of them. They shout, curse, throw things or slam doors. If they turn their anger inwards, they become very depressed. In some cases, these teens turn violent. It could be directed to another person or to themselves. It is important that you help your teen manage his anger. This way he will also feel that you care enough and love him enough.

Bear in mind that teenagers have a lot of emotional issues at this age. There’s the issue of identity, then separation and let’s not forget relationships. Parent and child relationship also changes as the child grows older and becomes more independent.

All this can be confusing and frustrating for your child and therefore it leads to anger. If you don’t know how to react or respond to your child, the situation can get worse. You are not supposed to suppress your child’s anger, just help him control it.

Identify what triggers his anger. When your teenager has calmed down, talk to him in a way that won’t make him angry again. Ask him what happened. Why did he get angry? Dig deeper because the cause of his anger at that moment may not be the cause of his anger in general. Help him identify what the real issue is.

Know the underlying feelings in your teen. Ask him why it made him so mad when his friend was late or when he was clumsy earlier in the day. This will reveal the root of the emotion. Fear, loneliness, and or shame are emotions that need to be addressed as soon as possible, before it gets out of hand.

When you have identified what the problem is, ask your child how he can do this differently the next time it happens or what he can do to prevent it from happening at all. Make him realize that he has the power to prevent those kinds of things from happening. Do this with a gentle tone. Sometimes, without intending to or unknowingly, your voice sounds accusing or you sound like you are blaming your teen for the situation. Teens will react negatively to this. Believe me, I have done that.

As a doting parent, you want to give your teen the tools that could aid him in having a better future filled with love and happiness. Making the effort to help your teen is also helping yourself. If your teen reaches adulthood without dealing with his issues, there is a chance that he won’t be successful and you know that this will hurt you more.

For more advice on managing your angry teen, I recommend that you get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

What is ADHD?

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What-is-ADHDADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a common disorder that develops during childhood and could continue through adolescence. It is a neuro-behavioral developmental disorder that impairs your child’s ability to function in different settings like school, home and even relationships with other children. The good news is that if given proper treatment, children with this disorder can manage their symptoms.

What are the signs of ADHD?

A child who is inattentive shows the following symptoms:

a. Easily distracted, and often goes from one activity to another.
b. Has difficulty focusing or finds it hard to keep his attention on a single task.
c. Has difficulty learning new things.
d. Has a hard time focusing on his homework if he has lost a possession that he needs to get it done (e.g., pencils, erasers).
e. Doesn’t seem to listen when talking to him.
f. Usually confused.
g. Has a hard time processing information.
h. Cannot follow instructions as easily as other children.

A child who is hyperactive shows the following symptoms:

a. Cannot sit still in school or when eating at home.
b. Talks incessantly.
c. Runs around touching anything he wants to.
d. Doesn’t do tasks quietly.
e. Can’t wait for his turn.
f. Interrupts others.

A child who is impulsive shows the following symptoms:

a. Impatient
b. Gives disrespectful comments, shows emotions without control and doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions..
c. Can’t wait for his turn when playing, or can’t wait to have what he wants.

How can ADHD be diagnosed?

There are times when parents mistake normal factors for ADHD. These symptoms usually manifest early on in your child’s life. They are difficult for parents to diagnose because each child has different symptoms. When you have seen or observed the symptoms mentioned above, you should seek professional help. This may include using the services of child psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioral pediatricians, behavioral neurologists.

I have found an at-home study program that I highly recommend for parents of problem children. It’s full of useful strategies for parents. Grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman who is a Behavioral Therapist. It will really help you and your child.

Stop Hitting your Kids

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hitting_kidsSpare the rod, spoil the kid. Do you agree? Is hitting a form of discipline or is this just what you do when you lose your temper with your child? What does discipline mean? If I look it up on a dictionary it says that discipline is a form of training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. How can hitting your child achieve all that?

Imagine this scenario. You have a headstrong daughter who always wants to get what she wants. You’ve lost your temper and raised your voice at her. There were times when you came home from work tired, had to prepare dinner and clean up after that. Your child would bug you about many things or she wouldn’t do as she was told. You had little patience. Perhaps you almost started spanking her, but got control of yourself before you did. You saw the fear in her eyes and that was enough to make you stop. You asked yourself, “Would I have done the same thing if I was in a better mood? Would I even be angry at her if she did the same thing and I was well rested?” The answer was, of course, no.

You might ask, “Wouldn’t you discipline your child by spanking if she was a problem child?” I think the correct answer is NO. There are many ways to discipline your children without resorting to violence. Aside from the fact that such violence is not acceptable, this act will just most probably be answered with violence too.

Here are reasons why you shouldn’t hit your kids:

1. Your child will feel humiliated and embarrassed. Children do have feelings.
2. Hitting does not show that you respect your child.
3. By example, you are teaching your child that violence is acceptable when resolving a problem.
4. You will eventually suffer for this because the psychological effect on your child may be long-term. This can cause animosity between the both of you.

Doesn’t it hurt you to see that you, his own parent, are causing him pain? It is not the easiest job in the world, I agree, but do you actually think that inflicting pain on your child is the answer to the problem? Stress, lack of sleep, financial worries and arguing with your spouse are not good reasons for hitting a child.

Here are steps that you can do to avoid hitting your child.

1. Know what ticks you off. Find out what causes you to lose your temper. If you have identified this and you are faced with the situation, you can warn yourself before you lose control.
2. Walk away if you are about to hit the ceiling. Come back to the situation in a couple of minutes.
3. Tell a friend or a relative close to you. Sharing your problems with other parents can help unload all that you feel. They could give you advice on parenting that you haven’t tried out before.
4. Think things through. Instead of hitting your child, think about how you would feel after. How would you face your child and explain to him why you had to do that when all you can see the fear and anger in his eyes?
5. Loosen up. Find time to relax, laugh and have fun with your kid.
6. If you have depression, then you must seek help immediately.

I have found an at-home study program that I highly recommend. It’s full of useful strategies for parents. Grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

Should I Send my Child to a Reform School?

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reform_schoolMany parents who can’t handle their children often send their kids to reform schools. But do they even know that they are making the right decision?

The first thing you have to realize before you go off and send your child to a reform school is that this institution is considered by your child as some kind of a prison. Sending your child away is a drastic measure on your part. You think that this course of action is needed, so you shouldn’t be shocked if your child shows animosity or hatred towards you. Don’t expect them to show gratitude for sending them to “prison”. Also, expect that the trust your child has in you will be totally shattered. He will feel betrayed.

Choosing a Reform School

The objective of reform schools is to keep your child in line. This means that they have very strict rules and practice severe punishment for those who do not follow those rules. There are many reform schools around the country and it is not easy to choose which one is good enough. There have been allegations that some schools actually use severe physical punishment when a child has misbehaved. You can’t even begin to imagine the impact this would have on your child. You might want to think about that for a while before making a decision. If there is even the slightest chance that your child’s safety is in danger, choose a different school.

One way of finding out that you are sending your child to a good reform school is to ask for references. Look for parents who have sent their children to that same school and talk to them. Listen carefully to what they have to say, their opinions, and experiences with that particular school. Ask them how their child is doing at the moment and maybe you can talk to their child so you could get more information.

However, it is not uncommon for children to revert to their old unruly ways when they get out of reform schools. The absence of strict rules and severe punishment causes them to go back to their old ways.

Alternative Methods

You have not been taught to deal with this kind of problem but this doesn’t mean that you can’t learn. You need to learn the parenting skills that could help you establish authority over your child. It doesn’t have to be harsh or ruthless like reform schools. Yes, there should be rules and these rules should be followed. There should also be punishment but perhaps not as brutal. The skills you need to learn are not hard. On the contrary, they are quite easy. But, in order for you to achieve positive results, you need to have constant interaction with your child. There are programs out there that actually work like The Total Transformation by James Lehman. He is highly respected Behavioral Therapist who once displayed oppositional defiant behavior when he was young. I highly recommend that you get your own copy now and see your child change his ways.

Rebellious Teens – What to do with them?

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rebellious-teensChildren do grow up. They turn into teenagers and form their own opinions, make their own decisions and sometimes they become rebellious. What turns these sweet kids into these angry, hateful and sometimes violent teenagers? This is the age where your children become “little adults” and they should be handled with care. You should deal with them like they are fragile beings. One wrong move and they shatter like glass.

What should you do when you are faced with this situation? First, let me tell you what you should avoid when you have a rebellious teenager in your hands. You should never get in the habit of screaming at your child. We all raise our voice sometimes, but don’t make it a habit. If you do, your child will simply stop listening, see you as “the crazy one” and resent you.

Sarcasm never made anybody feel good about themselves, so avoid this totally. It will only hurt your child.

You might have images in your mind about about hitting your child. When you have run out of patience this might cross your mind. You think to yourself, “maybe if I smack him he’ll change his ways”. Wrong! Resorting to violence is never the answer in solving problems. If you want to develop a loving relationship with your child, don’t take actions that completely destroy this possibility.

This next one is a real classic. Never compare your child to another teenager or to yourself when you were a teenager. Times have changed and the way things were when you were young are not the same in this day and age. We’re smarter now. We know better. Your child wouldn’t care nor listen about such comparisons. This will only irritate him more.

There are many ways to handle a rebellious teenager. Why don’t you start with sitting down with him and talk, just the two of you like two adults. Discuss the problem with him and give him lots of chances to do the talking. Become a good listener. Ask insightful questions. If the conversation is about something such as use of drugs, be supportive while explain your concerns rather than simply barking orders along with the reason “because I say so”. Lay down the rules, stick to the rules, and explain the consequences of breaking them. Make sure your child understands that the consequences are in his control because he can choose to follow rules or to break them. Give your child a reason to choose to follow them. Let your child know that you are proud of him when he has done something good. Last but not the least; communicate.

If all else fails, I highly recommend that you get your own copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman. This program will teach you parenting skills that will help you a lot in dealing with your rebellious teenager.

Raising Angry Kids

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raising_angry_kidsRight from childhood, it is ingrained in us not to vent our anger, especially in public. However real the cause for anger, as children we were encouraged to avoid displaying it, or risk being chastised. Sometimes, as a parent now, you deal with your angry, hostile child by getting angry yourself. At times you may even apply unreasonable punishments because of your emotional state. You are responding to anger with anger, and then feeling guilty about it later. Normally an angry child is most likely to respond negatively if you deal with him sternly.

You have surely witnessed this. The moody toddler whose uncalled-for tantrums leave her hopeless parents scrambling to pacify her; the dominating preschooler who never discovered how to share toys or get acquainted with other children or strangers socially; the brooding teen who deems any request as the world war of wills; the bully whose rage and destructive behavior make him feared, friendless, and miserably alone. Many of these children have all the comforts they require. They live in caring, loving homes, yet for some baffling reason they feel and truly believe that most of the things that happen to them are simply unjust. They start their day angry, and can explode into an all-out rage over little setbacks or imagined offenses. These are children who are so full of rage that has no apparent or distinct cause.

For you, as a parent, one of the most distressing things to deal with is an angry, aggressive child. It wears you out mentally, and is emotionally agonizing. Worse yet, you are baffled by the cause of such destructive behavior and how to deal with it.

Many things can lead a child to behave inappropriately or act harshly toward others. He may be frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, or his feelings may have been hurt. The anger may arise from family problems (like divorce, alcoholism, abuse), social problems (banter from peers), school problems (learning difficulties, low grades), or internal problems (depression). The anger could be a reaction to stress in the family, or it could be his way of getting what he wants.

Maybe you feel (or hope) your child’s antagonized behavior is just a phase that will somehow disappear in time. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to happen. In my own experience anger is an emotion that usually intensifies over time. Not paying attention to this can lead to bigger problems, and even violence. It can be a consuming force within your family that harms everyone, including your child. For this reason, it’s crucial that you deal with anger as early as possible and set the rules for change at once.

Keep in mind that the darkness that seems to be floating around you and your family is not a figment of your imagination. Rage takes a heavy toll on everybody who surrounds your child, luckily, once understood, this behavior of the angry child can be replaced with more favorable and pleasant behaviors. Dr. James Lehman’s The Total Transformation is a program that works wonders. I am not saying that change will happen overnight, nor am I misleading you that the changes will be easy both for you or your child. You absolutely have to work at it. But the rewards of this work are paid pack infinitely to your and your family.

Kids and Lying

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kids_lieAll children lie, but not all kids are liars. All kids lie at one point or another, however, this doesn’t mean that they are liars. There are different reasons why kids lie. They lie as a fantasy, which is very common in young children. Young kids like telling tales and stories, and this means that they are very creative. This becomes harmful when a child has reached the age of 6 and can’t distinguish make believe from reality. Some kids lie to divert blame. No child wants to be punished for the bad deed that they did, therefore they lie. Kids also lie because they are fearful of disappointing their parents; they are seeking attention, crying out for help, avoiding stressful situations or imitating the behavior of the adults around them. But worse than all of this is a habit of compulsive lying. This means that lying has become a regular routine, and a problem that must be confronted immediately.

Studies have shown that many kids, nowadays, especially teenagers, lie consistently. The teens lie about how they spend their money, if they have started dating other teens, and even lie about the clothes they wear outside of their houses. They lie about the movies they see and the kids they hang out with. Parents are particularly worried about their teens lying about the use of alcohol and drugs.

What is a parent to do?

1. Be a good model. Never tell lies, even white lies.
2. Make your child understand the value of honesty. Be patient.
3. Never accept excuses for lying. Lying is unacceptable.
4. Your child should understand the consequences of lying and should learn to apologize.
5. Let your child know that you hold value in the truth, regardless of the misbehavior.
10. Tell your child that the act of lying itself is what bothers you.
11. Praise your child when he is honest about something that might otherwise have been the source of a lie.
12. Avoid nagging and irrational decisions.

Explain to your child that telling the truth is important. You should take time to teach your child the advantages of telling the truth from an early age.

You should, however, seek professional help for persistent lying. Children who lie persistently could have underlying problems. This means that your child can no longer control the lying. Studies have shown that children at around the age of 10 tend become much more skilled at lying.

Some personality disorders increase the frequency of lying. Medical professionals may want to encourage the use of medications. While this may help, I highly recommend you first work on solving the behavioral issues through better parent-child communication. Drugs should really be a last resort, in my view.

I highly recommend James Lehman’s The Total Transformation. James Lehman is a behavioral Therapist who has programs that really help parents with their children

Child Discipline

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child_disciplineChild discipline is a crucial and emotional issue for parents of elementary children. We worry endlessly about our children misbehaving and how we should handle it. Constant behavior problems make us feel frustrated and angry. We detest having to punish our children. Learning how to efficiently discipline our children is an important skill that all parents must learn. Discipline is totally different from punishment. Instead, discipline has something more to do with teaching, and it involves teaching our children right from wrong, to respect the rights of others, and the difference between acceptable and unacceptable actions. Our aim is to help develop a child that will feel secure, loved, self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his emotions & behavior. We want to raise a child that knows how to handle the frustrations and complications of everyday life.

Many of us need to learn better and more effective ways of disciplining our children. The kind of discipline that could help our child develop self-control and respect for authority. The two extremes of children that are spoiled, and those that are brutally disciplined, both face increased risk of emotional and behavioral problems. Just learning one new approach to discipline, as a parent, change our child’s development. If you are having problems disciplining your child, you should not berate yourself too much. Its far more important to remember to be flexible, and able to implement new ideas until something works. Remember that you may not be doing anything wrong. All children are unique and have different moods; therefore developmental levels and approach of discipline that may work with other children may not work with yours.

Children are unique and parents are no different. As you choose a discipline strategy, you’ll learn to adapt it so that it suits your family. Trying new ideas can be the most important skill you develop as a parent.

You should also understand that your behavior when disciplining your child will help to shape what your child sees as appropriate behavior. If you yield after your child repeatedly argues, becomes violent or has a temper tantrum, then he will learn, at an unconscious level, that you’ll always give in if he pushes hard enough. On the flip-side, if you are steadfast and consistent with sticking to your guns, then he’ll realize that it’s useless to fight with you.

Being consistent in your methods of discipline and punishment is the single most effective way to develop well-behaved children. This also applies to caregivers. Children will always to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent, you are encouraging more misbehavior.

Reminders about Discipline:

1. Stay calm and be patient. Never lose your temper in front of your child. Walk away if you are about to lose it.
2. Don’t give too much criticism, and keep it constructive. Nobody likes too much criticism.
3. Give praise, but avoid over-doing it.
4. Avoid dwelling on the bad behavior. Point out positive behavior and express how much you like it.
5. Never use physical punishment. This will only lead to resentment and hate.
6. Give rewards for good behavior, not only consequences for bad behavior.
7. Know the difference between rewards and bribes. Your child should do what is right because it is right and not only because he is being bribed.
8. Be a role model. Your child imitates you without consciously trying to. It’s simply natural behavior. So be aware of how you act.
9. Provide your child with a safe environment where he feels safe and loved.

If you are having serious problems in disciplining your kids, I highly recommend The Total Transformation by James Lehman. His methods are highly recommended by parents, and they deliver results.

Parenting Troubled Teens

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parenting-teensLike most parents, I don’t want my child to grow up too fast. As parents, we’ve all has gone through the adolescent stage and for many, being a teenager wasn’t a walk in the park. Contrary to what most people believe, there is not a more awkward stage in life than being a teenager. Do you remember when you just had to fit in? You wanted certain groups of teenagers to accept you, so you always aimed to please. Then, there’s peer pressure. You didn’t want your friends to think you were not “cool” enough so you did the things they told you to do even though your gut was telling you to just walk away. What about the bullies? Most teenagers are “lucky” enough that they get to be bullied by bigger or stronger kids. Oh, let’s not forget the pressure your parents were putting on you to do well in school. The nagging, and getting angry with you for, what seemed at the time, like no good reason. All of these factors affect your child in ways you can’t imagine. This is how normal kids turns into a troubled teens.

You have been told that experience is the best teacher. Then you grew up, found work, perhaps got married, and had children. Going back in time might to being a teenager again might seem like a dream to you. But you may have forgotten about the negatives. Look back and remember. You’ll be surprised and, I’m sure, amused.

So, how can parents deal with troubled teens?

You have to keep in mind that what was going on in your time still exists in the here and now, more so I think. You also need to keep in mind that you are not your children. They are unique individuals who respond differently to various situations. You cannot expect them to act like you nor think like you do because they are not you.

As a parent, you should be aware of what is going on with your teenager’s life. Communicate. What better way to understand him than to talk to him? I know you are tired from work. You have a hectic schedule and so you just leave your child to care for himself because he is old enough. It doesn’t work that way. Your child needs you and you should touch base with him often. Communicate in a way that you both express what is on your minds and not just what is on yours. Make him form his own opinion of things and if differences arise, compare what is similar. Some teenagers, however, don’t want their parents hovering over them every minute. That is so “not cool”. This doesn’t mean that you should do as they ask. Watch over them but don’t overwhelm them with your presence. Guide them but avoid being a dictator. Treat your child with respect and he will show the same to you.

Be funny. Some teenagers take in advice better when it is given with humor. Crack a joke to break the ice. It’s more fun that way. Try to know what areas your teen is good at and give him positive comments. Honestly, many people cannot take in criticisms easily. How much more a teenager?

Unfortunately, there are things that you just cannot control, like, who your children meet in school or outside the school. All the more reason why you should spend more quality time with them.

If you want to learn more about Parenting Troubled teens, I recommend that you look intoThe Total Transformation by James Lehman. He is Bahavioral Therapist and you might want to learn a thing or two from him about parenting troubled teens.

Tough Love

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Tough-loveParenthood is probably one of the most paradoxical jobs. Oftentimes parents blame themselves for their child turning out not exactly the way they envisioned the child to be. Parents blame themselves when the child becomes an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gang member. What to do with this child? This is probably the worst parental nightmare. On the one hand there is the natural parental predisposition to be protective of, and pander to, every whim and caprice of the child. On the other hand there is the natural desire to reform the child and to see him grow up to be a responsible adult.

The parent who does care about the child, his welfare and his future, and who wants the child to be prepared to face the harsh realities of life, is sometimes constrained to practice tough love.

Tough love is a term used when one person treats another with seeming harshness but in reality does so with the good of that person in mind. There is an actual feeling of love and affection but this is blurred by the seeming merciless treatment that is being shown.

Tough love entails a degree of sacrifice on the part of the parent, especially on the part of the doting parent. It is not easy to be tough on one’s own child. Who wants to be tough on one’s child?

A parent’s natural instinct is be soft on the child. Much as he wants to be however, he also understands that he has to exercise a modicum of toughness if he is to be of any help to the problem child. He realizes that the only way to discipline the child and solve the problem is for the parent to be firm and unyielding in his discipline. This will at times require him to be harsh or even callous, something that is abhorrent to a parent. Most parents hate being strict to the point of being harsh with their children. But parents also realize that not exercising firmness will result in the child going merrily on with his malevolence, something which is just as, if not more, abhorrent to the parents.

There is then reason enough to exercise tough love on children. Parents must realize early on that under certain circumstances, there really is a need for them to be tough on the child to the point of being harsh and maybe even callous. This may not be appreciated by the child at the onset. In fact the child will in all probability hate it. But the parent must persist in the thought that it is the only way to act if he is to help the child. With perseverance and determination, tough love tempered with kindness and compassion will produce the desired result and end in the improvement in the child’s life. This will make him ready to face life and appreciate the good things that life brings.

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