The frustrations for a parent are never simple or easy, and when your child has ODD, support can be hard to find. It’s common for other parents to assume that you simply don’t know how to control your child.

In a certain sense, this is true – the child frequently appears out of control. But with ODD, support is not a simple question of making the child behave like a normal child, but understanding why children behave the way they do in the first place… and what specifically is different about your child.

All children, regardless of age or background, have a fundamental idea that they want to get the things they want. We all have this basic need, and this simple desire. When children try to find the way to get what they want, defiance is an option that frequently works well; particularly in situations where a parent has proven unwilling to discipline the child.

Our society is changing in many ways. The disciplinary methods our parents used are frowned upon, but we rarely receive any education or instruction in the methods that should be used today… and on daytime television, there is a constant parade of people telling us what should work, but that we rapidly find doesn’t.

While the conventional wisdom is that you should look to other parents for help with your children, other parents don’t have your children. It’s more productive to turn to a social worker or other professional, such as James Lehman, who has dealt extensively with troubled and “problem” children… and, if you’re looking for ODD support, children like yours.

Mr. Lehman’s extensive experience has led him to a conclusion that not only works with the troubled or ODD child, but also with normal children – a hallmark of sound study. The problem is not simply that the behavior is wrong, but that the way it was chosen is wrong.

This stems from what Lehman calls a “thinking error,” usually learned at an early age. While you can “show your work” in math class to demonstrate that you have used the right method as well as gotten the right answer, our day to day decisions aren’t as easily examined.

When the process we use to make larger and more complex decisions is flawed beneath the surface, those larger decisions develop larger errors, which can manifest in several ways. Underneath, however, the massive errors are frequently caused by simple and small problems in the process – like not understanding when and how to “carry” a digit during addition.

When dealing with a child that has ODD, support is not simply for you, but for the child. Correcting these thinking errors is frequently all that is necessary.

To learn more about ODD Support For The Frustrated Parent, I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

While a juvenile boot camp may seem on the surface to be an excellent place for your child to learn proper beahvior, especially if you’ve been to military boot camp and seen the difference it makes in your life and your outlook, there’s a hidden problem in the process that can make it a truly horrible choice.

In military boot camp, the graduates are expected to work for the training agency, and to produce valuable and correct results. It is critical, in a military situation, to produce not only soldiers but leaders from boot camp; to encourage the independent thought and strength of personality that go into leadership.

The analogy of a juvenile boot camp to a military boot camp is inherently incorrect, because while the disciplinary methods may appear similar on the surface, the intention of the program is very different.

The military has a vested interest in the quality of its graduates; from a recruit to a soldier is an arduous journey, which culminates in a well-disciplined individual who can handle the rigors and stresses of combat.

A juvenile boot camp, on the other hand, only produces someone who behaves as directed. It is not important for this person to display initiative, intelligence, or individuality; indeed, these things are difficult to manage, and a higher degree of uniformity is actively desired.

When considering these sorts of programs, it is worth examining whether you are actually just fed up with trying to discipline your own child. It can be difficult, and there are times that every parent wishes there was somewhere to send their child and stop worrying about it; with a problem child, these times are more frequent, and tend to last a little longer.

But when a boot camp isn’t appropriate, what can you do when you’re at the end of your rope and simply can’t get your child to behave?

The answer, of course, is to put some time and effort into one of the many programs available that can be implemented at home, such as James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program. While a juvenile boot camp is likely to have some effect on your child, it is hard to monitor that effect and see whether it is working.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you need help, and there’s nothing wrong with looking into the help options you have available. Certainly, for some children, a juvenile boot camp can work wonders… but for others, it can be destructive. Only you know which is most likely for your own child, and only you can make the decision that is best for your child’s future.

To learn more about alternatives to juvenile boot camp, I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

Children with ODD can obviously be more difficult to raise than other children, but the reasons behind this are frequently misunderstood. While it’s tempting to think that there’s nothing you can do about the behavior, the truth is that this problem is not without solutions – and with a little effort, you can help your children overcome this difficulty and improve their lives.

While children with ODD are clearly under a disadvantage, the disorder is not the same as a disease; there is an underlying error in the way these children think about their social interactions, and once both you and they understand the error in this thinking, it can be corrected.

It’s important to remember that these errors are not caused by bad parenting, but by the natural process of children trying to understand the world around them. Their questions may not be easy to ask, and the answers they produce on their own are likely to be incorrect.

Of the skills children need to learn, one of the most important is the process of understanding a social situation. When a child sees a group of people, it’s not always obvious how those people are feeling or even what they are doing – and it’s certainly not obvious how they will feel after you walk in and do what you’re thinking of doing.

Most children are fundamentally self-involved. Without any way of knowing what you are thinking or feeling, they naturally assume that you are thinking and feeling the same thing they do; when you’re fixing dinner, and the child doesn’t think fixing dinner is fun, it should be a welcome distraction if someone comes in and plays a game with you.

Of course, this isn’t what happens, and the child can’t understand why. Without the tools to understand facial expression and body language as indicators of someone’s emotional state, the response is confusing – and the child is frequently angry or hurt.

There is a reason children spend an inordinate amount of time asking “why” at a certain point in their lives. They aren’t equipped to figure out why on their own – and they need help to understand. Spending a little time to help them understand social interactions, and how people relate to one another, can go a long way in helping children with ODD learn how to deal with the situations they encounter every day.

To learn more about raising a child with ODD, I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

When you’ve had difficulty with your child, whether it’s trouble at school or destructive behavior at home, sooner or later someone gets around to recommending a behavior modification school. And while it’s true that these facilities have a solid track record for addressing behavior problems, there are simple facts that cannot be ignored.

The goal of a behavior modification school is simply to modify the behavior. That is the end of their interest, in most cases. They are not interested in making your child a healthy and productive adult; they are interested simply in getting your child to follow their rules.

Those rules aren’t constructed for the best interest of society, but for the best interest of the school – making it easier to run the school, and manage a large number of children with a small number of staff.

The purpose of a behavior modification school is, initially, a noble one: to help parents with their problem children. The trouble with these schools is that they don’t have any vested interest in the future success and happiness of your children.

If you’re considering a behavior modification school, it’s probably because you recognize that it’s a full time job to handle your one child. Imagine having sixty or more of them. NO level of expertise or education can make that easy.

Over time, the focus of the school changes from efficiency in results to efficiency in operation, and the children are treated less like the individuals they are – simply because there are not enough staff to handle the workload.

While this may do a reasonable job of preparing your child for a life in unskilled menial labor, perhaps at a fast food restaurant, it doesn’t do a very good job of preparing a child for future success… whether in college, or in business.

For a more balanced approach to modifying your child’s behavior, it’s worth the time to check into various systems like James Lehman’s, which provide you the tools to manage your child’s behavior at home.

With your involvement, you can be sure that your child’s education and training are in line with your values and ideals. Instead of letting other people raise your child with the priorities that matter to them, in an environment that doesn’t match the real world where the rest of us live, you can ensure that your child is given the skills and behaviors that really matter – the skills that can make them healthy and productive members of our modern society.

Overall, the results you’ll find with a program you can implement at home are well worth the extra time and effort you put into it.

Parents – before you send you kid away, do something that will teach you skills as well as help your child. I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority

In part two of this series, James gives you 7 ways to get back parental control and stop living in fear of your child’s acting-out behavior.

Most people aren’t afraid of their children; rather, they’re afraid of their child’s behavior. It’s important to understand that this fear undermines your authority as a parent because it’s hard to set limits successfully when you’re afraid. You lose more of your authority each time you give in after your child has acted out. And as soon as he realizes that, you’ll only have the authority he gives you. You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

These kids tend to gravitate toward a “no accountability” way of life, where “no accountability” equals “no authority.” And in order for your child’s system to work for him, he has to keep all the authorities around him in check. Soon this becomes one of his primary goals in life.

You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

In my opinion, even though you might have fears about your child’s acting-out behavior, you need to learn how to deal with those thoughts and feelings so they don’t have power over you—that they don’t dictate your behavior. So while you may be afraid your child is going to throw a tantrum, don’t let that fear derail your decision to be firm. Remember, it’s not what you’re afraid of, it’s how much power you give that fear. I don’t know if people truly ever “master their fears,” but I think that over time, the fear of your child acting out will have less power over you if you stick to a game plan of setting limits and holding your child accountable.

By the way, when you decide that you’re going to start dealing with your child’s pattern of acting out behavior differently, first of all, get ready for a struggle. Your child is not going to believe it; in fact, he’s going to think that if he just tantrums a little harder or a little more, you’ll give in. That’s because you’ve given in for so long; you’ve trained him how to treat you. Some of us train our kids to treat us respectfully. Others of us, through no fault of our own, train our kids to act out more in order to get their way.

Here are some of the important rules I taught parents who were afraid of setting off their child:

1. Come up with a Game Plan
   The first thing I recommend is to come up with a game plan of what you’re going to do when your child starts to escalate. This will give you something concrete to guide you. Decide how you’re going to handle tantrums and acting out in the future. Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about this now? What’s going to be different in my behavior, my response?” Write an “Instead” list for yourself. It might include things like, “I won’t back down when my child starts screaming, instead I’ll leave the store. I will give my child consequences and set limits.”

   And then get ready for some long tantrums, especially at home. Make no mistake, there will be a fierce battle for a while. Things will get better, but be prepared for your child to test you and test you and test you. Sometimes the tantrums and acting out will increase in intensity and frequency. That’s because your child is thinking, “If I just do this a little more, maybe she’ll give in.” You’ve inadvertently trained him to do that and now you’re going to have to do some work to undo it. In the end, the behavior often changes—it may re-emerge at different times, but you just need to handle it the same way.

2. Explain How Things Are Going to Change
   When things are going well, tell your child what you’re going to do when he acts out or throws a tantrum. Say “Hey, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I’ve been thinking that you’re really too old to throw tantrums now. So from now on, when you do that, this is what I’m going to do.” And you tell them what consequences they will get. You can also say, “When you’re in a tantrum or acting out, I’m not going to give in, I’m going to let you go through your tantrum. When you’re done, then we can resume what we were doing. That means you’re not going to get that toy or that candy bar just because you yell and scream and kick your feet.” Or for older kids, “I’m not going to give in to you just because you punch a hole in the wall or scream at me.” And I think that parents should articulate that information to their kids no matter how old they are. If your child is very young, he might not understand at first, but it will help you as a parent to focus. If your child does understand it, then he knows what to expect. When parents consistently tell their young kids what will happen, the tantrums often diminish in frequency and intensity as the child grows older. With older kids, talking to them in this way lets them know that you’re the boss now—and that you’re not going to give in to their acting out anymore.
3. Let Them Know the Process
   Let your child know the process ahead of time. You can say, “Hey, when you tantrum in the store, I’m just going to move about five feet away and I’m just going to watch you tantrum until you’re done. I’m going to bring a book with me and if you throw a tantrum I’m going to read it. I’m not going to talk to you or argue with you.” And by the way, bringing a book is really a good thing to do because it shows your child that you won’t be moved by their behavior. It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, have a ball, pal. Dance around on the floor all you want, I’m just going to read my magazine.” It takes the power away from your child’s inappropriate behavior, and that’s exactly what you want to do.
4. After Your Child Has Acted Out
   After your child has had a tantrum or behavioral episode, it’s a good time to have a little talk with him about what he’s going to do differently next time. If your child is old enough, ask him what he was trying to accomplish, and how he will handle it differently next time. These are the most important questions you can ask because they lead to your child learning how to develop other options. Remember, problem solving is based on coming up with other options to deal with the issue at hand. So don’t ask “How did you feel?” or even “Why did you do that?” The only real thing you want to get out of it is for your child to come up with some other ways of handling his anger or frustration. In this way, your child also has his own little game plan to fall back on. When you help your child develop another response to that situation, he will learn problem-solving skills he can use for the rest of his life.
5. Don’t Let Fear of Assumed Judgment Control You
   Dont’ be a mind reader. Most parents have fears that other people are judging them when their child acts out, so they do things to appease their kids so they’ll behave. I think that’s a mistake. Realize this: people are going to judge you; people judge each other about all kinds of things all day long. But here’s the deal: you’re trying to raise your child so he can learn the life skills he needs to be successful. If you let your fear of criticism and judgment control you, you’re not going to be able to accomplish your task of raising your child effectively.
6. Don’t Give in When Your Child Says, “I Hate You!”
   Fear that your child won’t love you if you set limits on him is something many parents have a hard time with, especially when their child is old enough to say, “I don’t love you—I hate you!” But, again, if you give that behavior power, it’s not going to change. If you don’t give it power and instead understand that it’s just a stage kids go through, you won’t be influenced to back down. Kids love their parents; it’s instinctual. (Unfortunately, even kids even love parents who hurt or abuse them.) So if your child says they don’t love you, instead of getting upset, try saying, “Maybe you don’t love me right now. But you still have to do your homework.”
7. Get Outside Help
   I recommend that you get some outside help when dealing with this issue. The simple truth is that you can’t trust your willpower alone to get you through. Willpower is fine when it works—but as we all know, it doesn’t always work. Try to get a support system in place, whether that’s training, effective parenting classes, books you read, programs in your home, counseling, or a support group. You should have some outside support. It’s good to make the commitment to change, but in my opinion it’s much more important to get the tools from outside and then try to use them one day at a time. And give yourself a break: realize that some days are going to be easier than others.
8. Appeal to the Authorities
   If your child is behaving criminally, the sooner you can get him into the juvenile justice system, the better. Although the wheels of justice turn slowly, your child will eventually get a probation officer who will then have the power to hold him more accountable than you can. So when your child doesn’t go to school, he will have to answer to his probation officer as well as you. If he misses school enough times, hopefully the probation officer will take some action. I worked with some parents who had a probation officer behind them who supported them. The probation officer would lock their child up in the youth center for a weekend if he or she violated the rules. I saw changes take place in those families. The kids started going to school; they stopped hurting others and damaging property. Their behavior changed because there was an accountability system in place that didn’t let them slide.

I always tell parents to understand that there is no quick solution to this problem, especially as the child grows older. Rather, you have to learn how to manage your child’s behavior in a way that diminishes the power of their acting out. The end goal is that your child will learn other ways to solve problems besides using power or intimidation. Just remember, kids don’t surrender power easily; neither do adults. Nobody likes to give up power, so it’s not going to happen over night.

In the thirty years I worked with kids, I saw families make progress all the time. They stopped letting their children box them in with their acting-out behavior; these parents instead worked toward the goal of helping their kids learn new skills. Remember that no family is perfect. People make progress, fall back, make more progress, and even fall back again. But in the long run, families changed and these kids learned other coping skills.

Some people say that the parents are the problem, but I don’t think that’s right. I think parents are the solution, and they need training and support.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End

Do you walk on eggshells around your child, afraid of doing anything to set him off? Do you appease him when you notice he’s winding up to throw a tantrum? In part one of a two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains how fear of acting-out behavior sets up a dangerous pattern for your child—and the whole family.

“Now you’re negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he’s going to act out is going to dictate how much you give in.”

All parents experience fear for their kids. They worry about their children getting sick, doing well in school, and whether or not they’ll be able to get a job and succeed in life. Being afraid for your kids is very normal, but being afraid of your kids is a phenomenon that has developed over the past several decades, and something that parents need to look at closely. And by the way, sometimes these two fears are actually tied together—fears about their child being able to make it in life actually will cause some parents to think they have to give in more; they become a cushion for their kids because mastering life skills seems so difficult for their child. But let me be clear: that’s exactly what you don’t want to do.

Young Kids: How the Pattern Starts
When a child is two or three, he learns to respond by saying “no” all the time. He starts resisting and asserting his individuality from his mother and father and often manages his anger and frustration by throwing temper tantrums. Some parents learn that you just have to wait those tantrums through, but others begin to worry that they’re not able to manage their child or that they are not in control. Others worry that if they don’t give in—if they say “no” to their child—their child won’t love them anymore. In effect, these parents become afraid of their child’s acting-out behavior and are held hostage by it. They get worn down and often begin caving in to inappropriate demands as they try to appease their child instead of remaining firm and waiting the tantrum out.

So their young child develops a pattern of acting out because it works for him—it gives him power and gets him what he wants. When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child: they’re alone in the house and their child is screaming and yelling and kicking. Their life seems crazy and out of control, but they don’t know how to stop it without caving in to their child.

These kids soon learn to blackmail their parents with the threat of throwing a tantrum. Pretty soon, the parent starts giving in as soon as their child starts to signal that they’re going into a tantrum: maybe their child’s voice escalates or becomes shrill, or maybe they stomp their feet and scream “no.” Once that happens, a very serious pattern has begun. Now the child has actually trained the parent to give in to their demands, no matter what. If your child knows he can get you to give in by behaving inappropriately or destructively, he’s going to learn to give you those cues. It’s just like being in a play: when you get your cue, you’re going to read your lines: “It’s OK, don’t do that, I’ll get you the toy.” Or you’re going to bribe him: “Well, if you can hold off for five minutes, then I’ll get you a candy bar in the car.” What you’re really doing is negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he’s going to act out or that you can’t handle the tantrum is going to dictate how much you give in.

And by the way, parents don’t know this pattern is forming while it’s happening. This is not a conscious thing where people say “I’m going to give in to my kid and then he’s going to become a monster.” They’re saying, “Oh man, I can’t handle this right now.” And their child learns from that lesson that when you can’t handle something, he’ll get what he wants. So his goal then, when he wants something and you tell him no, is to set up situations you can’t handle. Remember, this is not a moral issue for your child: it’s not about being good or evil. Your child is not really conscious of the effects of his behavior other than it gets him his way. Children, like all living things, learn to take the easy way out. The important thing is not to blame your child or assign diabolical motives to his behavior.

It is important to realize that if your child is using inappropriate behavior to get his way, it’s not a phase that will magically stop when he turns ten or twelve or even fifteen. That pattern of behavior may continue on through adolescence and into young adulthood.

Acting Out in School: When Your Child’s Behavior Controls Others
If a child has successfully used inappropriate behavior at home, you will often see them trying it out at school. After all, if their strategy works on their parents, why shouldn’t it work on their teachers, too? In kindergarten and first grade if they don’t get their way they may escalate. They may tantrum, call people names, throw things on the floor and walk around in the classroom when they’re supposed to be sitting down. It’s important to note that for a significant number of children, the classroom structure that teachers utilize will be sufficient to change some of these behaviors.

I’ve found that many of these kids also have a learning disability or some other factor that interferes with their ability to learn to solve problems. Think of it this way: if you have dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder or auditory processing problems, you might perceive the world as a threatening place. For these kids, it’s often much harder to learn how to solve social problems through reasonable negotiating, being patient, and learning how to accept no for an answer. So what tends to happen is they solve their problems by acting out—and that becomes their one default skill. They’ve developed this one trick: “Agree with me or face my crappy behavior.” And that can become their strategy for solving all problems. “Give me my way or face my crappy behavior.” They do this in school, at home, and on the bus and as long as it works, they will continue to use it. Not only is the child controlling others with his behavior, he’s not learning the problem-solving skills that he desperately needs to learn to be able to make it in life. If everyone around him is backing down, all he’s learning is how to threaten and intimidate others through fear.

How This Affects Your Family
Realize that if you have one child who controls the house with inappropriate behavior, this is not just your problem: it’s also a problem for your other children. Make no mistake, dealing with an acting-out sibling can have a great and long-lasting influence on your other kids’ personalities. When siblings don’t know when, how or why their brother or sister is going to explode, it’s overwhelming and scary because they can’t control it. What often happens in these cases is that kids develop their own sub-type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They will learn not to show their feelings. They may hide out in their rooms and submerge their emotions. That’s because in their world, it’s not safe for them to do so. It’s not safe to show your feelings; it’s not safe to say how you feel. After all, their sibling could explode and take it out on them at any given moment. So these kids wind up very flat emotionally; there seems to be no joy in their lives. There are things parents can do to correct these destructive patterns, but nonetheless, it’s hard on everybody. [Editor’s note: for more on this topic, read James Lehman’s article, ”The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings”.]

The First Step toward Changing Your Child’s Behavior
When parents used to come to me with this problem, I’d say, “We’re going to come up with a plan to change what’s happening in your house. Let’s figure out some things for you to do when things get tough so you can empower and support yourself.” I think it’s nearly impossible for people to try to rely on willpower alone to change their parenting style. Here’s the truth: their child’s behavior wasn’t going to change unless the parents’ behavior changed. I believe if you work at it, things will change; and if you don’t, things will stay bad or get worse. The kid who’s throwing a tantrum today is going to be throwing your chair across the room in ten years. And that’s how he ups the ante as he gets older. Most kids escalate; it’s a natural progression. They have to be more intimidating. When you’re 13, it’s very awkward to lie on the floor and throw a tantrum. It’s much easier to throw something across the room and hit the wall. You see these kids punch holes in walls all the time; that is the evolution of their tantrum. Certainly as they get older, the intimidation becomes more real. There are kids who hit and push their parents. There are kids who intentionally break and damage things around the house. There are kids who hit their siblings or hurt them emotionally by calling them foul names. And make no mistake, this becomes a very real problem.

If your child has trained you to be afraid of him and back down when he acts out, realize that whatever authority you had originally has diminished over time. When these kids are really in flower—when they’re really showing who they are—you can’t tell them anything. They’ll tell you to kiss their butts. You can’t tell them when to come in at night; if you put them in their room, they’ll climb out their window. Basically, they’ll come and go as they please and they’ll say, “You can’t stop me.” The sad part is that unless you change the way you parent and start holding them accountable, they’re right.

In next week’s article, James Lehman will give you 7 tips on how to stop living in fear of your child’s inappropriate behavior—and learning how to start parenting more effectively.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

We’ve all seen them. We know they’ve got a secret, some kind of deep knowledge we lack. How else could they do it? How can the people who work with children every day somehow manage to keep twenty and thirty children behaving properly… when we can barely keep up with our own two children at home? What secret parenting techniques could we learn from them, and how do we get them to teach us?

There are a lot of theories that don’t involve parenting techniques. There are those who say that children are naturally social, and if you provide a group activity they’ll simply go along with it. There are others who say it’s just the vast array of toys and games and art supplies; if you packed your house as full of child-friendly activities, your children would be that well-behaved, too.

While there is some truth to these methods, the real secret is a bit more subtle than that. Yes, children are social, and will act as a group; you can see them collecting into groups on the playground, even if they don’t know one another. And yes, having something child-friendly to do at any turn helps… ask any aunt or uncle who’s tried to babysit how children act in a house with no toys or games suited to their age. But there are real parenting techniques here, which we as parents can learn to employ.

The key element, which most of us miss because we simply don’t observe the right things, is that the child care professional does not set the children to doing something and then leave – but remains to interact with the children. As parenting techniques go, it seems simple and obvious… but how many of us do it?

The basic reality is that children, no matter what toys and games they are provided, crave the attention and approval of others. This is why they collect in groups themselves – to offer their own attention and approval to one another. But as we all know, children are often unwilling to be supportive at all times, and arguments can break out. It’s amazing how many sophisticated parenting techniques come up wanting, next to this simple and effective method: just pay attention to the children.

Of course, we all have things to do during the day. How can we get them done, if we’re constantly paying attention to the children? The answer is so simple as to be profound – involve the children in your daily routine. While going about your daily tasks, take your children with you, and explain what you are doing and why… with occasional questions to involve the child in displaying an understanding.

There are certainly other parenting techniques that can be used, and you’ll definitely want to know more than this “secret” of the child care professionals. But it’s honestly that easy; involve yourself with your children, and your children in your daily life. As a great man once said, all else is commentary.

To learn more about parenting toddlers, check out the Talking to Toddlers Audio Course. For parenting older children, I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

As parents, we all understand the trials of parenting. Mistakes are common; indeed, they are part of the territory. The process of learning to be a parent is difficult, and our first child is always the trial by fire. The second child is almost never as much like the first as we expect, and we learn rapidly that what works with one child doesn’t necessarily work with another.

Even the third and successive children present new problems, frequently revolving around the idea of fairness: the rules for one child should, after all, be the same as the rules for another. Sometimes this can be difficult, and parenting mistakes occur as a result. But how do you fix them – or, even better, avoid them?

One of the most common parenting mistakes is to think that your child doesn’t understand the situation, so it’s not important to be fair. Children have long memories; whenever a situation is important to them, for whatever reason, they will recall that situation for many years to come… potentially into adulthood. Even though your child cannot process and interpret your actions today, those actions may very well be remembered later – and they will be processed and interpreted by an older child, who is more than capable of understanding them.

Another of these parenting mistakes – one almost every parent is guilty of making at some point – is to expect all children to be the same. Whether we’ve got multiple children ourselves, or simply have experience with other people’s children, there are many elements of a child’s personality that simply are not the same as other children. While there are certainly common areas of behavior and intellect among all children, these are not as large as most of us expect.

Which leads us to the last of the common parenting mistakes most parents make: relying too much on our own experiences as children. The way our own parents dealt with situations is not always the best way, and the way we would have liked them handled as children is not always the way we should handle them as parents. Our children are not the same children we were, and they certainly don’t live in the same kind of world.

The most important question, of course, is how do we avoid these parenting mistakes? How do we remain mindful of how our actions will be remembered, understand the differences among children, and avoid too much reliance on our own childhood?

As with most parenting questions, there are no easy answers – but unlike our own parents, there is much more detailed help available. Simple awareness can be enough to avoid these parenting mistakes, but there are many programs available that can help us raise our children effectively and intelligently… without having to become experts in child development ourselves.

There’s no way to avoid all parenting mistakes. We’re human; we make mistakes. But with a little thought and effort, we can avoid the larger ones, and raise our children quite well all the same.

To learn more about parenting mistakes I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

One of the things that we all understand about children is that they need discipline. The big question, and one that is rarely addressed, is how exactly to do this – we have the old disciplinary methods our own parents used, and a large number of new childhood discipline methods that modern parents are encouraged to use, but it can be very difficult to figure out which methods really work.

But what does it mean, exactly, for childhood discipline to work?

What is discipline?

In most cases, we think of the punishment our children receive as discipline. We institute childhood discipline with consequences, to demonstrate to them what should and should not be done. What behavior is acceptable, and what behavior is not acceptable. We teach them a framework of rules by punishing them when they step outside that framework, breaking those rules.

But is this discipline?

When we say that an adult is disciplined, or has discipline, do we mean this adult has been or shall be punished?

Or do we mean something else entirely?

It’s important, when developing a childhood discipline program, that we understand what discipline is – and why what we do is discipline. The key element of childhood discipline is not to be punished, or to face consequences, but to consider the future. A disciplined adult acts with knowledge and forethought, considering the likely result of an action before taking it.

This is why childhood discipline so often fails.

The value of childhood discipline is not whether it causes the child to feel sorry, or to experience remorse, or even to avoid “naughty” behavior. It is whether the child comes away from the experience with a stronger and better ability to predict the likely result of future actions. And most childhood discipline programs, provided by parents who are almost never trained or experienced in developing such programs, fail miserably in that regard.

A program of simple punishment and consequence does not teach the crucial problem solving skills that children need to learn how to predict the results of their actions. Experts in the field, such as James Lehman and others, have developed far more effective childhood discipline programs that support the real needs of children as they develop into adults.

The most important behaviors all children need to learn begin with the critical skill of reading social situations – understanding other people, what they want, what they expect, and how they are likely to behave when things happen. And these skills begin, for each of us, with an understanding of ourselves… understanding what we want, and expect, and how we’re likely to behave.

In short, your children need to learn and understand what they want and expect, and how they behave when they want and expect those things. This is the cornerstone of childhood discipline; understanding whether the way they behave will result in the things they want and expect – and in time, how to behave so the things they want and expect actually happen.

To learn more about childhood discipline I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

When your child has ADHD, it can feel like nothing ever works – like every tactic you’ve learned for discipline simply isn’t effective, and indeed just seems to make things worse.

The frustration, for most parents dealing with childhood ADHD, is that long before you know what it is… you know that nothing you try works. You know that expert after expert, book after book, program after program is just plain not working. It’s not that you aren’t trying; you’re trying everything. You’re getting all the help you can, trying all the techniques you can, and working harder than you’ve ever worked before.

But childhood ADHD changes the rules. Many of the tactics you’re given for “normal” children don’t work at all, and many others do exactly the opposite of what they’re supposed to do. For a child with ADHD, the disciplinary approach needs to be a little different, and you need to take this into account.

The most important difference in childhood ADHD is that these children crave positive attention far more than they fear negative attention.

Instead of recognising the negative behavior and attempting to correct it, the more effective way to handle childhood ADHD is to recognise positive behavior and praise it; in the psychological community, this is sometimes called “shaping” and can provide remarkable results in a very short time.

Another often-overlooked method with childhood ADHD is the use of teamwork. Much of the trouble a child with ADHD encounters is that being so unlike the other children makes it hard to find friends, and a great deal of this can be overcome with simple teamwork between parent and child.

By sitting and doing things together with your child, you provide a role model – an example of appropriate behavior, which is critical in childhood ADHD if the child is to learn how to behave appropriately. A little patience and time go a long way. Apply the shaping methods above, rather than correcting inappropriate behavior, and most children rapidly get the idea and follow along.

It can be difficult to learn all the tactics and techniques that work well with childhood ADHD, so many parents may prefer to get a predefined program from a professional. The danger with these programs, of course, is that several of them simply do not cover the needs of childhood ADHD at all; while a great many do work, there are even more that do not. James Lehman’s system, the Total Transformation Program, is one of many that provide an excellent series of disciplinary tactics and techniques that work well even with childhood ADHD.

Over time, the trials and hardships of childhood ADHD can be lessened, simply by applying a few basic rules and guidelines that are easily learned. Parents can improve their own lives… and, more importantly, the lives of their children… by adapting their approaches to the specific needs of childhood ADHD.

To learn more about childhood ADHD I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.