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What Triggers Kids’ Emotions and What Parents Can do About It

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Why is it so important for parents to know what triggers their child’s emotions? How does knowing what pushes your child’s buttons affect child-parent relationship and how would it determine how you deal with your child’s behavior?

Many of the parents I know walk on eggshells around their child, afraid that that their kid would suddenly burst into uncontrollable anger for no apparent reason. This is incredibly hard to live with, but parents shouldn’t worry because this can be turned around. It wouldn’t be easy and it would take a lot of work but it’s very possible to shift your child’s behavior from negative to a very positive one.

In order to find a solution, parents need to know what causes their child’s emotions. What makes your child angry, happy or sad?

Parents should understand that it’s not the situation that causes a child to react in a specific way – it’s how he thinks of the situation. For instance, why are some kids okay with their parents leaving them on the first day of school while some kids cry, scream and throw tantrums?

This is because each child has different triggers. To explain, a trigger is a thought about a situation that pushes the child to act or react in a specific way. No matter what the situation is, it all boils down to your how your child thinks about the situation.

This is the same with why some people are successful in life despite hardships, while some people fail even though they’ve got everything they need to be successful in life – it all comes down to how a person looks at life.
Whenever a child lacks the skills to handle a situation, acting out occurs. When your preschool child throws a tantrum when you try leaving him at school, he may be thinking “I’m not going to survive with all these strangers, I need my mom here!” If you had prepared your child weeks before by letting him know that he’ll start school and that he’ll meet a lot of new nice people there, things might have been different. Letting him know that you’re just outside whenever he needs you might have also helped.

How can parents identify what triggers their child’s behavior?

Be an observer and an investigator. Observing your child will help a lot, especially with the young ones who doesn’t have the skills to talk about their feelings yet. Simply observe your child, whether he’s playing with other kids, doing his homework or helping you out with a chore. When you do this often, you’d notice certain patterns emerge. For instance, he may be really enthusiastic with his science homework but starts getting frustrated when it’s time for math. A lot of kids struggle with numbers, and the frustration it causes your child may just be the beginning of a string of misbehaviors.

You might also want to ask the help of other people who gets to be with your child for long periods. Teachers are very good on observing a child’s behavior, and you might want to ask her to at least keep an eye on your child and observe what has transpired before a tantrum.

Your perception is different from your child’s. You might think you know what happened, but remember that the experience is a whole lot different from your child. What exactly was running through his mind when he’s doing his math homework? It’s obvious that he’s having difficulties, but why? Can’t he remember the specific steps in solving a problem or maybe he just gets confused with all the numbers? Again, you might think you know what the problem is but you’ll know a lot more when it comes directly from your child.

Do not be afraid to ask questions. Some parents are hesitant, thinking that they’re digging in too much but no one else is going to help your child. Be casual about it. Tackle it in a way like how you would talk to a friend, and not like a shrink talking to a patient.

When you learn what triggers your child’s emotions, he’ll trust you enough to be open with you. Trust is a solid foundation for every relationship, and it would greatly strengthen the relationship between you and your child.
Also, knowing what trigger your child’s emotions will allow you to know what to expect. It would also let you help your child handle his emotions. Let’s say your child tells you that he just gets confused whenever he sees a lot of numbers, and this is why he gets frustrated doing math home works. A great solution would be to hire a tutor who knows how to handle kids who hates the subject. It should be someone who can make numbers fun so your child will love studying math.

I believe that there’s no such thing as a problem child. Your child can be difficult to handle, but there are a lot of resources to turn your child’s behavior around. As James Lehman said in his program called The Total Transformation Program: “…the bottom line is a lot of these kids’ minds construct ways of thinking that justify inappropriate behavior. And they’ve got to come up with alternative ways of thinking, alternative ways of perceiving the problem.”

Teach Your Kids to Get Away from the Triggers of Negative Emotions

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The best way for you to help your kids avoid any negative thoughts is to evade the triggers. That’s how significant it is for parents to get to know what these triggers are. Most often these are very observable and often only require common sense to figure out.

It’s as simple as when you are not bringing with you any cash, you better not swing by the candy store since this may trigger a huge problem with your kid. If your kid finds his brother annoying then he must not be seated beside his brother during TV and dinner time. This is also true when you let your child sit beside a school bully.

However, the ultimate goal of any parent would be to teach their kids how to figure out and eventually be able to avoid triggers in the end. This is particularly true because parents are not with their kids all the time. Kids must be able to handle themselves well when they are on their own.

In time, when kids are able to do this on their own with an automatic button, kids will finally feel and learn to accept that they indeed have a responsibility in figuring out triggers, avoiding them totally to keep away from anger.

There are times when a sugar spike brought about by a can of Pepsi can trigger a boost of energy and when it subsides, the child gets restless and gets angry eventually. So it’s the best thing for parents to do to help the child realize this so he would try to avoid drinking a whole bottle of Pepsi if he can’t handle its effects on him.

More often these kids are not aware that these triggers are for real and they happen. So the next time his mother tells him to go to bed at 9 PM as the father you ask the child what he feels or thinks about his mother. Most probably the child would retort that he is angry at his mother and he thinks that she only wants to get rid of him so she told him to sleep early.

Then you tell your child to start talking to himself in a different manner. Remember that this strategy can be used in every day situations. It could be in school, at home, or even in the community playground where he usually stays.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Why Kids Are So Angry Most of the Time

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Have you ever heard of the word negative self-thoughts? That is what most kids have. That is also the reason why you hear people often say adolescent angst. Children and even us adults often think of things in a negative way. That is why when children are being talked to by their parents on not sleeping late, they often talk back and shout to their parents. Their line of thought goes like this: “Dad and mom hate me. They don’t want me to enjoy my favorite show at night.”

One of the goals that parents have for their parenting technique is to help their kids have a more positive way of thinking, be that for self-thoughts or as regards everything and everyone around them.

One way to understand this idea that our thoughts create our anger is to understand that people think in words. When we are thirsty for instance, we think of the words “I’m thirsty.” We simply don’t think of a mouth sipping on a glass of cold water.

This is also the same thoughts we have when we talk to ourselves. We often indulge in self-talk. That is the same with kids. Your kids may be at school sitting and looking attentive to the teacher but she is not in fact listening at all. Instead what she’s thinking about is the chat she’s going to have with her three best friends. Or she might be thinking about “Should I have the Mickey Mouse costume or the Fairy Godmother for Halloween?”

Yes, it is indeed true that we adults and kids talk to ourselves most of the time. But kids are often thinking in a way that makes themselves angrier. That’s what parents have to help their kids correct.

Most of the time, it all starts from simple thought of “This isn’t fair.” Then this blows up into something bigger like “They aren’t fair. How come they aren’t fair to me? What can I do to let them realize that it isn’t fair?” and so on and so forth…

One way of thinking that parents must teach their kids in order for them to have more positive thought is to say, “This is not worth it” or “I am not going to do this cause this would make my dad angry and it’s not worth it.”

This is significant since what the kids often think is not “It’s not worth it” but that “It serves him right.” And what happens is that in the end when they suffer the consequences they do think “It’s not worth it.”

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Anger Management versus Trigger Management

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We often hear from parents say they are in dire need of anger management therapy. James Lehman, a renowned child specialist, cringes at the idea behind anger management. According to him, anger cannot be managed. It is the trigger of this anger that you must know how to manage.

The same principle applies among children. In fact, when you say trigger management in children. It doesn’t mean anger alone. It applies to all forms of overwhelming emotions such as fear or anxiety, loss, separation, and others that children simply don’t have skills to manage.

In this sense, they need the help and support of their parents. One best thing that parents can do for their kids who are frequently suffering from the consequences of these uncontrolled emotions is to prevent it from happening. That is why parents must keep their children away from the triggers or the stimuli of these strong, negative emotions. The first thing to do is observe and figure out what these triggers are.

The concept of trigger management in fact refers to management of your thoughts. Our feelings are often triggered by our thoughts. It is also the thoughts that maintain the anger that it created itself. You can try it yourself. When you are feeling intense anger, try to think of a happy thought and it will actually lessen your anger and make you more relaxed in the end.

In children’s case, it may be doubly hard for them to control, release or cope in any way with their thoughts and the feelings they bring. They have not learned the skills to do this yet. That is where parents must help and support them all throughout.

So the first thing that parents can do to help children cope with their unfounded fears, anxiety, or anger may be is to let them understand why they shouldn’t have to be afraid, or sad or angry over certain matters that they shouldn’t be concerned about in the first place. The parents should be able to help their kids manage their thoughts to get rid of the unwanted triggers.

Parents can also opt to divert the attention of their child into something pleasing to appease his intense emotions. When this is done in repetition, the child will learn this on his own and this is such a valuable coping skill to possess.

James Lehman said that he accepts cases of anger (trigger) management still although he gets to help parents understand that it’s not the anger they are trying to get rid of but the triggers of this anger. They need techniques they can use on their kids for them to grow up being well-balanced, peace-loving, and responsible adults.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Parents Must Set a Status Level with Their Kids

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One thing that parents can do to make things clear with their kid is to set up a status level. It’s simple to do. Let’s say Status 1 is where the kid gets to enjoy all the privileges and he basically is able to do what he wants to do. Status 2 on the other hand is that level wherein the child is grounded and all the privileges are taken off him.

You can give it any name you want. The purpose of it is to make things clearer and more like a black a white set-up. So whenever the child misbehaves in school or at home, you can call him and directly say you are now Status B and you’ve lost your privileges. You are going to stay there until such time you decide to follow the rule.

Any parent may think it’s next to impossible to be able to set this up with your kid. Parents can actually verbalize things ideas like this for as long as they approach their child in the right manner. Timing is key to any parenting strategy.

Usually the child is more responsive and receptive when he is happy and during good times. So when he is all smiles while holding his favorite ice cream right in your living room, you can call him and tell him, “You know what, Tommy, am really happy whenever you are in the right side of things, when you’re happy and enjoying all your privileges. I really want you to stay on that level for as you can. Why don’t we make it a rule between the two of us? Let’s call it Status 1 when you are enjoying all the privileges and Status 2 when you are grounded and you don’t get to enjoy any privileges at all.

It’s just like that and there’s a 101% chance that the child will listen to you and agree with you; that is all because you said it to him when he is happy and feeling light.

So what happens here is when you ask your child to talk to you after he did something in school or after he flunked out of Algebra and he simple refuses to do so you tell him, “Tommy, until such time you are going to come to me and talk to me about what happened, you are still in Status 2.”

One thing that you have to be sure about is that once your child comes to you and tells you about what happened you switch him back to Status 1 wherein he is back to enjoying all his privileges.

You have to remember when you do this that you are not to forcing him to do it and that you are doing this for his own benefit and that you are merely convincing him or supporting him to stay within the family boundaries and the good side of things.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

The Right Time to Teach Children the Right Behavior

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Parents often suffer one major problem when teaching their child discipline and right behavior. When they have everything all planned, down to the list of strategies they can suggest to their child, the child simply refuses to sit down and talk to them.

There’s one factor that makes them do this: stress. Children are smart. They know when they are about to be confronted about something they did in school. Most often, they can get clues from the parent’s tone of voice and his facial expression. That’s why parents must think of a way to get their ideas through the child thoroughly.

The rule of thumb here is “Don’t talk to your child when he is shouting or when he is agitated.” In this instance, his mind is not open. He is stressed and most probably, he can’t take in any idea from anybody.

Timing is the key to everything. Start the conversation with your child during good times, meaning when he is happy, during ice cream time, while you are popping corn for a late night TV show. Then comes the “hypodermic affection” technique. This is done by telling the child the good deeds he has done first then attach a task that he’s going to accomplish.

The parent can say nonchalantly, “You did a great job there, Tommy, about going home early after school. You keep on doing that and you’re on your way to earning that weekend trip to Yosemite with dad and me. Now let’s discuss about the way you talk to your sister.”

With these said, the child won’t feel that he is being reprimanded or that he is being talked into doing something. And because he is feeling light, relaxed and happy at this time, all the ideas that are discussed with mom or dad are easy to settle in.

What must parents do then if the child is restless and stressed? Aside from giving him space, you give him a real time-out. A time-out is a time for him to go to some place that’s neutral and quiet where he can calm down, collect his thoughts, and let the agitation simmer down.

Parents must then wait for the right moment when the child becomes his old self again, when he is light and gay. That is the right time when you can engage your child in a light banter and inject the tasks you set for him without him feeling it.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Let the Child Choose His Coping Mechanism

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There are several things that your child can do to cope with the concern regarding his misbehavior. The best thing that a parent can do after he lets the child figure out for himself what his coping strategies are is to let him choose what he wants if in case the same situation comes about again.

“What will you do when you go home one day and you want to ride your bike yet I won’t let you because you still have home work to do? Do you think it will do you good if you walk away for a bit? What will I expect you to do in that instance? What will you do that you haven’t done now” This is an example of letting your child choose from any of his options for dealing with the concern at hand.

But just in case he has problem rephrasing his own coping strategy or simply putting it into words, you can help him do it well. One tip to make sure that the choices will work to his utmost advantage is to make it time focused. You can show this with the use of words like “in the future,” “tomorrow” or “the next day.”

One possible answer that your child may give is that “he will take a time out.” Then you try to motivate him to do that as well by saying, “Okay that’s a good idea.”

However, you as a parent must help your child understand the principle behind what a time out is. Time out is that time when you go to a neutral place, often a silent place, to gather your thoughts or simply to let your overstimulation simmer down. This is what your child needs the moment he gets agitated over something.

Also one common mistake that parents commit is they consider time outs as punishments. Time out is not a punishment. It is a time for your kid to calm down and clear out his mind so he will be able to resolve the issues involved in the incident.

It’s not like saying, “Okay so you misbehave in school and your teacher said he saw you kicked a girl. Now you’re going to take a time out and sit on that chair for two hours every day.” The use of the word time out in this scenario is not accurate.

A time out is supposed to help the child calm down but not to punish him or to take away certain privileges.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem child.

Teach Your Child How to Make Amends and Face Consequences

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The last step to a disciplinary process is for the parent to teach the child how to face the consequences of his actions and formulate ways of making amends. Doing so is tantamount to giving the child some sort of accountability, which is a good training strategy for him to learn coping skills.

As a parent you tell your child, “What is it you plan to do to make amends with your brother after you kicked his butt yesterday?” What are you going to do with your sister after you picked on her at school?”

Let the child devise a way for him to do this. When he finds it difficult to do so, then pave the way for him by somehow verbalizing his thoughts.

Your child may opt to clean his sister’s room as a way of making amends. He may also suggest to wash the dishes as his way of making amends to his brother.

You may also lead the child on for him to do something to make amends by saying, “Why don’t you get your sister’s slipper when she gets home and give it to her?” Or you could also tell him, “I think it’s a good idea that when your brother gets home, you ask him if he needs a fresh pair of PJ’s. Then get one and give it to him.”

This way, as a parent, you are helping your child come up with different means to make amends. But in the end, remember that it is he himself who must decide what to do.

There’s just one thing any parent must not do in this instance and that is to be satisfied with “saying sorry,” as if it’s some kind of making amends.

Sorry is merely an apology. Making amends is doing something to clean up the mess. It is an opportunity for the child to right the wrong, which happens to be the purpose of doing so.

Another long term effect of learning how to make amends is for the child to learn how to be accountable over a certain matter and how to handle responsibilities given to him.

Essentially, as parents, supervision is something that must not be thrown out the window. Watch out when your child said he wants to make amends by doing a certain act. Be sure that the child lives up to his word and that it’s not an easier-than-done matter.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem child.

Probe Your Child When He Misbehaves

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When your child misbehaves, the best thing you can do to get his thoughts about the incident is to probe on the matter. This is significant for you to help your child come up with some coping skills each time problems arise.

You can ask your child questions like, “What are you gonna do the next time your classmate bullies you in school? Are you gonna pick a fight again?” Or it could be, “What are you going to do when you’re angry at someone cause you were not allowed to do something?”

These kids may not have something to answer when you ask such questions to them. If this happens the best thing for you to do is to help him articulate what you think is a good coping mechanism.

You can ask him, “Isn’t it wise to just listen to your iPod first before you speak about the matter particularly if you are still angry about it?” Or when you are feeling angry over something that’s not allowed for you to use, do you think walking away for a while will do the trick?”

Coping skills are one of the significant things that you must teach your child. This will be a measure of his being responsible in his adult life once he knows some great coping mechanisms to go for all the problems that might come his way.

Children have different coping mechanisms. You as a parent can determine what those are. It could be walking away, listening to the radio, going to the beach, swimming, or even merely playing his favorite video game.

Let the child realize what his coping mechanisms are. Then you help him figure out himself what coping mechanism to use the next time the same situation happens again. You can ask him, “Are you going to walk around the block the next time you’re angry at your brother or are you going to listen to your iPod?”

The child will either give you his choice or he may come up with his own. What’s significant is that the child will be able to quantify his coping mechanisms. This will ensure that the next time he encounters a problem he will know how to deal with it. It may not be a head-on collision all the time but what’s essential is that he has experienced how it is to devise some means to cope with any problems that arise.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Declare Your Rule To Your Child in Black and White

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There’s no point in identifying, confronting, and challenging the triggers if you are not going to declare your rule about it. One thing to remember when you declare your rule is to keep ti simple with no emotions involved, simply in black and white.

A parent can say to the child, “Don’t talk to me that way because I told you not to be verbally abusive to your sister. I won’t let you talk to me that way.” Or you could say, “Don’t turn your back on me just because you don’t want to hear what I’m going to tell you.”

You can also say to your child, “If you think that I’m being unfair doesn’t mean you can call me names.” Or you can tell him straight to his face, “Just because you think that your sister is not being nice to you, you can steal from her. This behavior is not right and it’s not acceptable at all. If you want to communicate with me don’t talk to me that way.”

In this case what you are doing is telling your child that he doesn’t have any alternative but to do what you suggest him to do. It’s all in black and white. It’s your way of saying that he would suffer from the consequences of what he has done. It’s your way of making him realize that he would not have certain privileges until such time he takes into account and practice all the alternative behaviors for making him behave well.

This is what responsible love and concern is all about. When a parent does this with his child, he must state it in a matter of fact way without any emotions involved. He should be doing it in the kitchen table in a one-on-one setting. It’s very business-like, very serious, and matter of factly, which will make him realize that you are not intent on making him do the alternative behavior.

You as a parent must also let him understand that there are two things that he should bear in mind always when it comes to his behavior and these are: 1) what are its effects to others or 2) if it solves the problem at all.

It’s your responsibility to tell your child that it’s not a good behavior if it hurts other people or if it doesn’t solve the problem.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem child.

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