Total Transformation Program Archives

Treat Your Home Like a Business: How to Tell Your Kids NO

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Most parents believe that every rule needs to be explained thoroughly to their kids in order for them to understand and follow. Although this works fine for certain circumstances, going beyond one instance of explaining your decision might pave the way for more serious problems. Letting your child understand every decision and every reason that you have can easily turn to wanting their approval.

This could lead you into a very dangerous cycle of over-explaining every little thing to your kids. At work, did you hear your boss over-explain his decision about not allowing employees sleep while on duty? Have you heard about a CEO sitting beside the janitor, explaining the reason why he needs the office clean at all times? That is why most experts recommend that if you have already given your child an explanation once, repeating everything for the second time is not necessary.

Evaluate your relationship with your kid, have you been frequently explaining your rules and your reasons every time your child disagrees with you? If so, then you probably have kept talking to your kid every time a misunderstanding occurs – a clear indication that you have been defending your own decisions to your child, right in your own home.

If unnoticed, this habit usually grows with the child. You will soon find yourself compromising some more to your kid, and even changing the rules in favor of your kid every time he disagrees. Be reminded that when you over-elaborate your decisions to your child, you are training him NOT to follow your rules.

Always be firm; when you tell your child, “No, we will buy that on your birthday” at the toy store, and he keeps insisting that you should buy it now, and you give in after a while buying him the toy eventually, you just trained your child not to value your decision.

Remember that when you give in to your child’s whim even when already said no earlier, you are grooming him to break the rules, your rules. Of course, that is not what you want.

When you do not stand by your “no”, this is what happens – when you say “no” to your kids, they will think that you are just letting them challenge your authority, the punishment that you set, or the responsibilities that they have. When you explain yourself to your child over and over and end up doing what he wants, you are trying to be successful at allowing your child to overpower you without even knowing.

In order to avoid that, it is then necessary that you show your child certain limits that he is not to violate. These limits could be as minor as setting a curfew to saying, “No cartoons before homework”. Setting these rules sans the over-explaining habit lets your child realize the value of being told “no”.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

What to Do When Kids Lie: Do Not Let Your Kid Distort Your Values

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Children will always try to lie. Lying is something that all human beings, especially children are naturally wired to do. For kids, lying is a way of testing their boundaries and no child is an exception. Although morally wrong, parents should not take these lies seriously. Keep in mind that lying is a part of a child’s development. However, if your kids lie almost all the time, then that is a different story.

Kids lying are almost always a common problem shared by parents all around the world. Frequent lying, contrary to occasional, harmless lies has to be taken seriously in order to make it stop. Just like any other behavioral problem, the best thing to address a lie is to understand its cause. Parents should understand that kids are kids, therefore their lies are generally completely different from adult lies.

One common reason why children lie is because they are modeling after an adult, usually a parent. That is applicable to certain situations, but not all the time. This is because kids do not always try to imitate others, and the cause for lying may be different.

Read on and see a few ways to handle this problem. Take note of the major difference between a child who lies to hide something he did wrong and a child who lies just to get everybody’s attention.

When your child did something wrong, do not ask him something that you already know. After he broke a vase, saying “Did you do this?” when you already know is giving an opportunity for him to lie. Instead, say what you know very clearly. Since you already know what happened, tell him that and apply a punishment as necessary. Playing with that truth will only confuse your child.

If you learn that your child lied to you about something, do not be angry or yell at your child. Your anger is the ultimate reason why your kid lied, he wants to avoid it any way he can. When you react with anger, you are only pushing him to lie more. So keep your voice low and ask him why he lied. He needs your help to get rid of the behavior, not encourage it.

Kids who are caught lying usually lie more in the efforts of covering up their first lie. When that happens, be careful and do not buy your kid’s excuses. Stick with your values, and always insist on honesty and in telling the truth. Tell your kids what these values can bring such as trust and independence, and then tell them what lies bring too, such as punishment.

Handling a lying child may be easier said than done. But if you keep these things in mind and you stick to your values, then it might be a little easier than you expected.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Monkey See Monkey Do: Teaching Kids by Example

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All parents feel the need to provide as much as they can for their kids. It is the law of nature; every parent should look after and take care of their young. That is why the moment a child is born, parents automatically make the decision of becoming great parents in all ways possible.

When new parents hit the bookstore to find a few parenting books they could refer to, that is Mother Nature in action. Most first time parents research piles and piles of books and heaps of internet articles just to know as much as they can about good parenting. It is every parent’s dream to transform their little bundle of joy into a responsible, mature, and hard working adult. But how can they do that?

If you try to compare the things that parenting books, magazines, and internet articles about parenting, you will see a common theme among the entries. However, there is also one common thing that these sources often oversee – the importance of our example.

Actually, our example is perhaps the best tool that we have in teaching our kids to be decent adults. Most parents believe that telling their kids to “do as I say, not as I do” is enough, but almost always that statement is confusing for kids and will be downright ineffective. And no matter how much you try to set the differences between the two, kids will always do what they see.

We all know that language formation among children has been well researched. If a child encounters a new language at a young age, it is highly possible that the child will learn, speak, and understand that particular without flaw. This happens because the language was learned at the time when the human brain is still fresh filled with neurons ready to fire to create new pathways of communication.

The same principle applies for learning the important values in life like respect and honesty. These things are best learned when the child is still at a young age and is open to make new connections. So if you want to tell your 5-year old daughter that you want her to pick up her toys and put them in its proper place, make sure that your room and your computer at home is properly arranged as well.

You tell your son that it is wrong to hit his younger brother, but you belt them hard when they do something unacceptable. You tell your daughter that she should finish her homework and go to bed early, yet you watch TV all day until you fall asleep in the couch.

Teach your kids the important values while they are still young, and do it by setting a good example. Any lesson that we want to teach our children, we must first do ourselves.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Set Your Family’s Values Clearly

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Family values can be different from household to household or from one nation to another. As there are sets of beliefs that can help keep the family together, culture may have a big effect on family values. Religiosity can also be a big factor in molding traditional family values.

Traditional values can start with the value of the family and of value of children. Equality among family members can also be good traditional family values as well as family welfare and the value of family health and well being. The value of communication among family members cannot be overlooked as this is the most important thing in the flow from the family head down to every member of the family.

Traditional family values may be affected by cultural changes in a society. Change may be affected in response to economic development in places. More money in peoples’ hands may lead to a possibility of acquiring lower moral values. Spiritual values may also be affected by increased financial prosperity. This is where the influence of the family head comes in. You should not be the one to acquire these negative values.

Values should be permanently instilled in the minds of the young, given that the parents will be their beckoning light and a guide in the dark towards living a healthy and balanced adult life that is anchored on proper values.

The values that a family develops can be made as a good foundation for the children to learn and grow. They can function well in the community if they have acquired this good foundation. The parents can be good teachers if they have shown good examples. It is a known fact that you work hard for your family, obtaining material things, and getting financial rewards. All of these will be for your family. But be sure that you have time for them.

Family time done perfectly well can surely give good results. It can be such time as play time or relaxation with your kids. This will create healthy family bond that will be difficult to break. The child that can always look at you whenever they need you will forever appreciate it. This is family values that they can pass on also to their future kids.

Meetings with family members can be a good time for sharing healthy family values. Take time to share with your family, share meals together, work together and play together. This will be a good opportunity to identify and create good family values.

Interactions done with your kids will make them socially interact with peers and friends. This will mold their attitude and show character in their adult life. The most important thing is they can pass on this good family values to their future kids.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Giving Your Kids Logical Boundaries

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If you are at the brink of losing your wits because your kids simply won’t listen to anything you say, knowing that you are not alone might make you feel a little better. Almost all parents find it difficult, in one way or another, to control their kids at a certain point. That is why most parents look for help as to how a parent can better handle their kids.

Any reference will tell you that the best way to discipline a child is by giving out firm, yet flexible and logical consequences. The parenting strategy of giving logical consequences will transform your life and how your children behave, and you will realize that being a parent is not that hard after all.

Parents need to know that at any age, all kids thrive on consistency and a feeling of security. As they grow, they want to test the limits and it is your job as a parent to let them know that there are certain boundaries to what they are allowed to do.

Setting limits is never an easy thing to do, especially if you want your kids to effectively learn from the logical consequences of the behaviors and choices that they make. You need to remember that disciplining your kids does not necessarily mean having an iron fist, for it can be done from a positive and loving perspective. Here are some examples of the better consequences that you can give your kids in certain situations.

Most parents struggle with setting a certain bedtime routine for their kids, resulting to an inevitable fight between parent and child whenever the latter refuses to go to bed at the agreed time.

One way to get around that problem is set a bedtime with a consistent routine that leads to the child being in his or her bedroom with firm expectations that he or she is to stay there, settle down and fall asleep. Although it would be impossible to force your kids to sleep, you can allow your kids certain “freedom” – lights on or lights off or a bedtime story of their choice – if they stay in the room until they fall asleep.

Setting a regular time for meals facilitate both good food choices as well as good table manners. Plan a list of meals where everybody in the family contributes during the preparation or cleaning up after meals. And if someone behaves improperly at the table, present the logical consequence of missing the meal or not joining the fun during preparation and clean up.

Every parent wants to raise responsible, self-confident and happy children. As long as your kids understand their limitations and that the consequences you set are flexible, reaching that goal will not be that hard.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

Taking the Wheel of Your Child’s Life

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When a child learns and has the guts to disrespect his or her parents, majority of the blame goes to the parents themselves. It is the parents’ responsibility to draw clear lines of authority as early as possible because if they don’t, the sense of authority that they have over their child can easily be swayed.

When your child feels unsure about who is the boss of whom in the family, they will likely assume the role and engage in risky behaviors or become bossy and arrogant. When that happens, parents get angry and frustrated with their kids because there is no way of controlling their kids anymore.

If you hope to live in an environment where your child sees you as his best friend, it is perfectly understandable. Every parent wants their children to feel that they are a friend, not a foe. In a perfect world that could work, but in reality there is a fat chance that it will not.

Building a parent-child relationship under that setup is problematic because our society thinks of a friend as someone who does not pose judgments, a person who shares an egalitarian relationship with someone else. And that is the last thing that you want if you want your kids to respect you and value your opinion. It is not exactly your role to be a friend, but it is your role to make judgments and decisions even when your children does not approve of them. You have to be the one who’s in charge, not the other way around.

However, being the boss does not mean controlling your kids, in black and white. It just means that you have to let your kids be aware of their limitations as kids and to introduce them to certain restrictions as well as the consequences of their every action. Being the boss means temporarily steering the wheel of your child’s life until he is equipped enough to do it on his own.

Show your kids the things that they are allowed and not allowed to do while still young. So that when they reach the adolescent age, it will not be as hard for you both. You see, it is during this time of rage and rebellion that kids will want you out of their lives and take control. But you can avoid that setup if you have already established the role of being the one in charge.

Being in-charge means keeping an open mind and a wider understanding of things. If your child commits a mistake, correct him. Even if that means calling the police yourself when he gets into trouble with the law. Although that will be perhaps the most difficult thing any parent can do, you need to have the courage and the power to do what is right for your child no matter what.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Teaching Your Kids Honesty through Consequences

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When it comes to disciplining children, parents are usually faced with the dilemma of teaching their kids two important values: honesty and the importance of consequences.

Say for example you found out that your child broke the pots in your neighbor’s garden on purpose and for no apparent reason. Although your child confessed what he did, still you want to implement some punishment. What should you do then in order to administer consequences for this unacceptable behavior without discouraging your child to be honest or tell something like this in the future? Of course, the last thing that you want is to punish your child for telling the truth.

Actually, if this situation is handled the right way, it offers an opportunity to teach both lessons in a way that your child will surely remember until he grows old. Given the situation, the reward that you can give for your child’s honesty may be a little intangible, however it will be important in the long run. You should tell your child, with sincerity and warmth, that you are happy that he told you the truth about what happened and that you recognize the fact that it was indeed an act of courage.

You can tell him, “It makes me easier to trust you when you are brave enough to tell me the truth even when it is something very difficult to do.”

You have to acknowledge that the fact your child told you about that he did indicates that he knows he did something wrong. Let him know that by telling him, “I know you know that what you did was a bad thing to do, and I believe that you will not do it again.”

In order to let your child learn from what happened, you need to involve him in deciding what he should do to make amends with the neighbors. You can ask him, “What do you think should happen now?” Or you can tell him a simple thing like, “If someone broke your most favorite toy, what would you want them to do?” With proper guidance, your child will arrive at the realization that he needs to apologize and needs to replace what he broke.

You might need to use your own money to replace what he destroyed, but you should make it clear to him that he needs to figure something out in order to pay you back what you spent. Work out a plan – you can maybe agree that a portion of his allowance goes to a special container, or that you will give him extra household chores to earn additional money.

With clear and logical consequences, there is no need for angry lectures and spanking. Most importantly, your child will learn a memorable lesson about honesty and proper behavior in the process.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Why It Is Important for Parents to Know Their Values

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It is impossible for someone not to believe in a particular set of ideas. Even thieves, believe in something that make them do what they do. No matter how you look at it, believing in a certain set of values will make our lives more peaceful and put everything in order. If you want to teach your kids certain values, you first learn to identify your own.

It is important that parents have their own sets of belief in life. If a father knows the very things that he feels important, then he will be able to look at himself objectively. In the process, he will also be able to understand the things around him and understand the way his kids sees him. Aside from that, he will also be able to improve his self-esteem and self-confidence because he will see the world in a different light.

When you know the things that are most important for you, then you will become a more focused parent and individual. You will be able to shape your expectations and be aware of the expectations that your kids have for you as well. On top of that, you will also be able to handle life’s challenges a lot better if you know what your values are.

You have to understand that there are values that go against each other. Although you will be able to know better, kids will not. If you do not explain these values clearly to your children, they might take on a wrong notion and uphold a distorted set of beliefs.

Of course, you would not want that to happen. When you classify your values in a simple and more understandable way, your kids will be able to understand it better. If you are unsure about the values that are most important for you, simply evaluate your environment.

Take a good look around you, think about the people you like and look at their best qualities. Write these down and take note of their values. If you believe in the same thing, you can take them as yours and add them to your own list of values.

It is also important that you know what each ideal stands for. You can look at the dictionary for a more accurate definition, or you can make a definition of your own. This is not just a good exercise, you will also be able to revisit your own set of values in the process.

Arrange your values according from the most important to the least important. So that when your child asks which is particular principle should come first, you will know how to answer them clearly and properly.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Why It’s Bad to Compare Your Family to Others

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Perhaps one of the biggest problems with families is not necessarily the problems that happen inside the home, but how we, parents, generally compare ourselves to other families.

At least once in your life, you heard a disappointed parent say, “I wish my son was more friendly and cheerful like his other classmates.” Or perhaps you overheard your daughter’s classmate say, “I wish my mom would understand like Anna’s mom.” Because these situations are somehow commonplace these days, it is then necessary that we understand why we often compare our own family to others. If we know the reason why we resort to this comparison, we will be able to find a workable solution.

Personally, I believe that we compare our families to others because a lot of families look better than our own families on the surface, which is why it is so easy to compare. Most of the time, we all tend to feel awkward talking about our family’s flaws with most people that we know.

Consequently, we begin to hold a false belief that we are in a “bad” family because we have problems, and everyone else knows what they are doing and we do not. That is why most often than not, we try to imitate the things that a parenting magazine tells us instead of doing what is best and proper for our family. We label ourselves after every challenge, and try to be like a “perfect family”, while overseeing the fact that the magazines are probably just trying to hide our homebound insecurities.

We all should remember that there is never a simple or a universal guideline for developing a truly productive family, let alone a perfect family one. There is no perfect way for a child to confess to his parents his true feelings and opinions about certain things, like being too overprotective. In the same sense that there is no magic dust that will make it easier for us parents to talk about unprotected sex and its dangers to our 16-year old daughters.

No magic or any magazine advice will make any family problem easier to solve. What it takes instead is a tremendous amount of efforts and understanding, for without these two, petty family issues can evolve into something bigger. It is important that we should realize the fact that there are no shortcuts that we can take when it comes to having a healthy and stable family.

Comparing your family to others is counterproductive. This does not mean that you expose all your family problems with everyone, but refusing to engage in any conversation where people brag about how wonderful their family happens to be.

Comparing families does not solve anything. If you stop doing it, you will see and appreciate the individuality your family has. And once you stop comparing and understand that your family is not THAT bad, solving family problems will be much easier.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

The Right Approach to Kids’ Lying

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Part of being a parent is being ready to face the things that your child will go through. From the moment your child is born, he is bound to undergo a lot of changes – not just physically, but emotionally and socially as well – and you should be prepared to accept whatever challenges come along the way.

Lying is a crucial part in a child’s development. You have to be aware that all kids, at a certain point at a certain age, will experiment with lying. However, their reasons for lying are totally different from the motives of adults who lie. Kids lie not really to manipulate, but to see what things they can and cannot get away with. That is why when your kids lie to you, it would be better if you don’t make it personal.

In order to discourage your child from lying, implementing harsh punishments is the least that you can do. In fact, punishing a kid for lying is actually a form of reinforcement. So instead of spanking your child for lying, focus on the values that you want to teach. To counter the lying behavior, teach him honesty and help him get the chance to aim for it.

Say for example your son lied to your for the first time, insisting that he was telling the truth. When kids lie, most of the time they will sound really convincing, so keep your guards up. If you know that your child is lying and is trying to stand by his lie, find a way to make him realize that it is wrong without resorting to punishment.

You can tell him a story – that your hearts are actually connected by a hundred invisible little threads and that whenever he tells a lie, he cuts one of these threads cutting the connection between you two in the process.

So the more lies that he tells, the more threads are cut. And if he continues to lie, the thread will be completely destroyed and you will both be separated for good. However, if he tells the truth, the threads will grow thicker and the connection will grow stronger.

Instilling important values in children requires sincerity and warmth. Instead of beating your child to be honest, help him in any way you can to the truth. When he tells the truth, he will feel authentic. Which in turn, encourage him to tell the truth at all times.

It is the job of the parents to keep their children honest as much as possible. However, that does not imply being strict or uptight. Always be in your right mind when dealing with your kids, especially when they lie. Taking these lies personally can actually make things worse.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

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