Total Transformation Program Archives

Uniqueness: A Good Setting for Excuses

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It’s a common thing to hear parents say, “Oh that’s not a thing to help my kid.” Kids on the other hand may say, “This isn’t going to help my mom; she’s not capable of doing it.” This is an indication of the concept called uniqueness.

Uniqueness may sound like it’s positive and ordinary but when taken into the context of parenting it would show as an interference in your program for transformation for your kid or a hindrance in your ability to view a situation involving your child clearly.

There are many example situations wherein uniqueness is used as an excuse. It’s clearly indicated when you hear your child say, “This is not going to happen to me because…” then he fills in the blank. Or he can say, “Homework doesn’t matter to me because…I’m a divorce baby.” Whatever he may use as an excuse, he is pointing it out that his case is unique from the others.

What your kids are trying to say when they give excuses is that they are unique and therefore the rule and the situation don’t apply to them.

This is exactly the opposite of what you should let your children know, which is that no one is above the rule and the rule stays no matter what the conditions are. Your children must know how to follow rules and obey the authorities even at a young age. When they start to make these excuses, you simply have to correct them.

Childhood is the best stage for you to correct in your children what needs to be corrected. That’s when their sense of morality and their value system is still starting to develop. That is how important it is to be morally upright when you want to make sure that your kids grow up to be responsible and with a strong sense of character and a formidable value system.

We may be fond of pushing uniqueness as a positive trait, meaning it is being true to one’s self, being different and being respectful of everyone’s differences in views and opinions. This can be true but as parents you have to be vigilant whether your kid is truly learning this concept of uniqueness or he could be using concept of uniqueness as an excuse not to follow rules and abide by authorities.

Once you do hear your child use uniqueness as an excuse, get on with it but do it gradually.

Is camp for spoiled brats beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem children.

Perception Hinders Healthy Parent Child Relationship

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Perception is reality when it comes to parent and child relationships. It may not be obvious, but the way you and your child tell each other your opinion about things as well as how you and your child handle problems, reach decisions, and handle stress are greatly shaped by your own, individual perceptions.

As a parent, you should expect to have a significant amount of conflicts and misunderstandings with your child especially when he or she is nearing adolescence. That is something that you have to learn to accept because there is a huge chance of getting into a disagreement with your child even when your pre-teen relationship has been great. And when your head is filled with a lot of twisted perceptions about your child, the problems get harder to solve.

For some time, parenting experts have tried to determine what quality will make a parent and child relationship healthy. Experts used to believe that what makes a healthy parent and child relationship is effective communication. But there were a lot of case studies who proved that even when a family “talks”, some issues still remains unsolved.

Recently, it was agreed to revise the way a healthy parent and child relationship is viewed. Now, what determine a healthy relationship between parent and child are the warmth and the close relationship that is shared by the two. Under this new definition, a child cares about what his or her parent thinks and holds it in high regard. However, children who do not share this warm and close relationship with a parent indicate a long-endured problem.

If the kind of relationship that you share with your kid has always been difficult, there are some things that you can do to begin the change. But first of all, you need to alter your perceptions and emotions that you have towards your child.

People are fond of channeling their feelings on situations and other people. Perhaps you have overheard someone say, “When I heard him say that, I got so angry” or “When I see you wearing that shirt, it irritates me”. But in reality, it was not actually the statement of the guy or the shirt per se that made the person angry – the emotions were actually based on how the person interprets such events.

When your child misbehaves in public, probably the first thing that comes to your head is “He is doing it again to humiliate me in front of these people”. This thinking then leads to a fight and a heated argument. But for all you know, your child was just having a bad day.

Perceptions, wrong conclusions and generalizations always ruin any human relationship. Treat your child without preconceived notions. Free your judgment of wrong perceptions and you will realize that there is still room to improve your understanding and communication skills.

Is spoiled brat camp beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem child.

How to Make Your Rules Firm

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Despite living in a liberal world, there are still a lot of parents who feel wrong about disciplining their kids. But then again, it is the job of every parent to make sure that their kids grow up responsible adults. And the only way to do that is to summon the confidence in pointing children to the right direction, no matter what it takes.

Although child discipline is a highly debatable issue to this day, most parents and parenting experts would agree that having only a single set of rules to apply for all your children will not work. On the contrary, what parents and parenting experts suggest is for parents to come with different “forms” of rules for kids in different developmental stage.

For most parents, the solution to make children follow rules is nagging. But then again, the time will come when nagging becomes too exhausting. When that happens, parents then start asking the inevitable question, “If I stop nagging my kids into following the rules, what will make them obey?”

What most parents fail to realize is the fact that there are actually several ways apart from nagging the kids that will make children follow the rules at home. Several years of research revealed that there are actually three possible strategies that will make it easier for children to follow house rules, which will make the lives of parents more convenient in the process as well.

If you are trying to implement firm house rules with your kids, you need to remember three things. First, you need to understand that your actions really speak louder than your words. You have to accept the fact that if you want your kids to honor your rules, you have to do it first. So if you tell your kids that there should be no munching of junk food before dinner, do not open a bag of potato chips right before supper.

You also need to make sure that your rules are clearly explained and understood by the kids. If you ask them to do something, make sure that you follow it up with an explanation. Although the question “why?” can be very irritating at times, it is your job as a parent to clear whatever confusion there is in your child’s head.

Your rules need to be official for your kids to treat them seriously. You can make your rules official by writing them down in a piece of paper and displaying in the house for everyone to see. Let your children know that when they break the rules on the paper, they are also breaking a contract with you.

Write the rules and place it in the kitchen or in the hallway to constantly remind your child the power and authority that you have. Written rules are more effective because they earn more respect. Put value in your rules and be careful not to deflate them.

Is brat camp beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem child.

Forget About Your Feelings to Keep That Rule

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When you are trying to keep the rule at work, you have to stick with it, no matter what. Even when you’re tired, even when it seems too draining to engage in an argument with your child, you have to be consistent in implementing the rule you set.

If you won’t do this, your kids will think that there are times when rules don’t apply and that when you get tired you can easily break the rule. This of course is not a good lesson to learn by kids of this nature.

Kids who have behavioral problems all the more need the consistency in implementing the rule. They always are in need for rules to remain the same at all times. You as a parent must remember that rules must be there even if you are too tired and should not become loose or too stern, and are not dependent on your current situation.

Remember that parents must be the role model of their kids. They should act what they want their kids to act when they grow old. A good role model is one that is law-abiding and one that is consistent with his actions regardless of what his situation is.

Kids are quick to follow their models, which most of the time are their parents and siblings. It therefore helps for parents to behave the best while in the presence of the kids, even if sometimes it takes a lot of pretension.

Kids don’t have to know that you were even worse than they are now when you were their age. They need not know that you only behaved when your parents were around. If you have to talk about your childhood with them, it’s better to focus more on the good experiences. Kids may not be able to understand the complicated situations you went through as well some behavioral and emotional issues which may be too complicated for their own understanding.

It’s true that you may have to put your best foot forward if you want to raise better kids. That is until they grow up to become mature enough to understand the much darker side of things. Children still don’t have fully developed sense of morality. They are still groping when it comes to dealing with their relationships issues and even find it confusing to understand themselves.

That is why your rules are important. They are there to guide them while they are not yet that strong to evade what’s wrong and continue with what’s right.

Is camp for spoiled brats beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about my problem child.

The Blame Game

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To blame is one of the most common things that a parent can do when times get rough. This can be blaming one’s self or blaming her spouse or the kids. At times, this can be understandable when the parents tend to be so preoccupied with problems, but it doesn’t mean that it’s healthy at all.

Most of the time, blaming takes place when you are spending too much of your time and your energy on blaming yourself or others for problems that are not really existing. It’s easy to react and point it out to your kids that they are to blame for example when you’re late for work because it took time for the kids to be ready for school.

The most common statement you can say as a parent is “It’s your fault that I’m late for work.” This statement doesn’t work at all. The best statement to go would be “It’s your responsibility to ready yourself when its’ time for us to go.”

This statement would not mean so much of a blame but more of making him accountable for the act. This would make him more mature in handling his responsibilities and making him accountable for his actions.

Kids will like that since it makes them feel like they are in control or that they are mature enough to handle themselves. Remember that most kids would like to feel that they are trusted by adults although in reality they want the adults to direct them to the right path and lead the way.

Blaming is not also good when you do it against yourself. Blaming one’s self would mean that you have low self-esteem. It’s also a sign or an indication of weakness which is the last thing that you want your kids to see in you.

Your kids will take on whatever you show them. That’s one of the main reasons why you need to pretend too, to shield them from anything that may be too harsh for their limited understanding and their underdeveloped sense of morality.

Blaming would also translate to not being able to acknowledge one’s mistakes, when the best way to go when things go wrong is to move on and rectify mistakes and make things better the next time you find yourself in the same situation again.

The best thing you can do when you just found out that it’s your mistake is to admit it to yourself but forgive yourself as well then move on. You can say to yourself, “You can do better than this the next time around.”

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens’ boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

All about Projection

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When parents pass on their emotional baggage to their child, the concept of projection happens. Projection can affect a child’s life in great proportions in one or more aspects of his or her life. The effects of projection could be so serious, it could increase a child’s vulnerability to certain behavioral and emotional imbalances.

Children usually inherit or adapt to certain things that they pick up at home, from and through the kind of relationships that they have with their parents. The problem begins when children starts to get nothing but the sensitive issues that their parents carry in their backs – the need for attention or social approval, difficulty in dealing with certain expectations, and the tendency to blame oneself.

Because children are young and fragile, they become very susceptible to inheriting the relationship problems of their parents such as feeling responsible for the happiness of others and vice versa as well as acting impulsively in order to relieve the feeling of anxiety instead of enduring that anxiety for a while to act thoughtfully. The stronger the projection of the parents, the stronger relationship baggage the child inherits from his or her parents.

When a person has too much relationship sensitivity, his or her vulnerability to emotional and behavioral problems can result to a a chronic anxiety in all aspects of one’s life. The process of projection occurs in three stages.

First, the parent sees the child with the fear that something is wrong with the child. Second, the parent sees any behavior of the child as a confirmation of that fear. And third, the parent treats the child as if something is actually wrong with him or her.

The steps of projection usually begin while the child is still young and continues until the child gets older. It is the unrealistic fear of the parents that inspires the problem – the child learns to develop or shape his or her perceptions of the world and of others according to what his or her parents think, embodying the fears and distorted perceptions themselves.

The concept of projection becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the parents constantly try to “fix” the problem of the child according to their personal diagnosis. So when a parent believes that her child has a low self esteem, she will repeatedly affirm the child which consequently leads to the child’s self esteem growing dependent on that affirmation.

A lot of things can go wrong the moment the concept of projection occurs in a family. It could lead to a sibling rivalry, since the other “normal” siblings will not get as much attention as the child who “needs fixing” gets. Parents will also feel confused about their roles and both will often feel unsure of themselves and the kind of relationship that they have with their child.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp for teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Project Attainable Expectations to Your Kids

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Everywhere we go, we are bound with certain expectations. There are certain expectations that we have to live up to at work – we need to perform our jobs right, help our co-workers finish a project, and so on. In school, we are also expected to make our assignments and to study. All relationships that we have and in every affiliation or association that we make, there are certain expectations that we have to fulfill.

At home, there are also certain expectations that we have to live up to. The main reason why families function well and remain united is due to the fulfilling of expectations by each family member. Parents are expected to provide for the family and offer food, clothing, comfort and love. Children are also expected to help with chores, to study, and to respect and love their parents.

One good way to avoid family conflicts is to make sure expectations from each member especially that of the children, are clear. As a parent, you need to create a list of expectations that apply to certain situations. By creating a list of expectations for your kids, you are telling them in a way what they should do during certain situations.

When you make your expectations clear to your kids, you are telling them their limitations in the process. Through a list of expectations, children know how they can interact with their friends, with strangers, and even with their romantic partners. By creating a list of expectations, you will be able to effectively show your children how to behave in church, at a restaurant, and in any public place.

However, you need to be consistent with your expectations. The moment you tell your kids that you expect them to be home by 8 p.m. sharp, it should always remain that way. Your expectations should not be variable and should not be easily affected by your mood or your opinion. Your expectations should always remain firm, even when your child feels otherwise.

So when your child gets a high score at test, it does not earn him the right to disrespect you. Even when your child has no school for two days, it does not mean that he or she is allowed to stay up all night and watch TV.

But the most important thing that you have to remember is to make your expectations realistic and reliable. Setting expectations that are too high or too low will lead to mediocre results. That is why you need to keep your expectations at normal, attainable levels and with respect to your child’s age.

Realistic and reasonable expectations will not make your child feel incompetent. Projecting expectations that are too high to attain will only make your child feel like he or she is “not good enough”. Too high expectations will make your child feel less about themselves and will make you unhappy and disappointed all the time.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens for boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Projections Get in the Way of Parenting

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What you mean by projecting is reading other people’s minds. What happens when you do projection is just like a movie projector. When you feel bad about yourself it is being projected into another person. That’s when you think that they do think poorly of you.

You simply think that it’s a way of reading minds but in fact what you’re doing is you’re putting your own fear and your own self-doubt in the other person’s mind. This doesn’t work for you or for your kids when you’re parenting.

There are times when everything goes wrong and if you see it that way you might translate it as what your child thinks, to the detriment of your own kid. If you want to raise highly positive children you have to be positive yourself. You have to funnel your positivity to your kid. But remember it’s not all blue skies. Being positive doesn’t mean being delusional. When reality bites, you have to make it a point that your kid may be able to understand what you’re going through in their own simple way.

Projections can also happen the other way around. Sometimes kids also project what they feel towards themselves to you. When this happens you need to keep on reassuring them that what you think of them is exactly the opposite of that. You have to keep giving positive reassurance when this happens. Always make them feel that you’re accepting and that you understand how they feel, but there’s one thing you shouldn’t do and that is to make them see that you’re giving up on them.

Projecting is a symptom of an unhealthy mind. When you tend to project negativity, you probably have low self-esteem, have been hiding a lot of issues, and may even have issues about self-respect. However, when you project yourself too positively, it may be that you have superiority complex or have high self-esteem, which may sometimes be not that good as well.

That’s why they say that we all are a work in progress. We always have to check ourselves and try to make sure that we make a balanced thought of our surroundings and other people. We do this for our kids, for our loved ones, but most of all, for ourselves.

We owe it ourselves to experience life positively and to experience all our relationships positively. If we love in this manner, no amount of negativity can bring us down, whatever our goal may be, but most particularly when we are trying to raise our children.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Emotional Labels Are Not At All Helpful

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One thing that parents should not do to their kids is to label their behavior with something that sets them off emotionally. There may be times when the kid just had a bad day at school, is a bit crazy, and is having a difficult time with his homework. What the parent often says is that “You’re doing that to make me angry at you, don’t you?”

That thing can set off an inferno in your kid, particularly for the teen-agers who have the rebellious streak in them. The thing is, parents are so fond of labeling it with feelings instead of keeping it a business. Time and again, it is important for a parent to know that parenting demands that you take charge of it as if it were a business.

What is a business like way to go about this scenario is: “Oh, you’re not doing the right things today. You have to start it over. For you to do that, you need to go back to your room and come back to start things right after fifteen minutes.”

It’s simple. There are no explanations, no but’s and if’s, and no questions asked. This is to assert your authority as a parent. This is being firm to your kid and a way of showing your responsible love and concern.

With this, a parent must not dwell with the emotions that most often would like to grab your attention and keep you away from a sound decision. When you are thinking about punishing your kid for one wrong doing, it should still be his well-being that you must focus on. Remember the one main goal for your punishing him is to make him realize his mistake and be able to make sense of why he must be corrected. Yes, that’s the case, even when he is still at a young age.

Moral development for your child takes place gradually. This is one of the instances wherein they can learn much from you. So don’t get frustrated if your kid commits a lot of blunders in decision making and their relationships with others. When you say everyone is a work in progress when it comes to that; that is much, much more applicable to kids.

That is why labeling them with emotional titles will not help. They themselves are not even aware of what they are feeling, most of the time. Oftentimes, parents would have to help their kid process his emotions and may sometimes have to let him understand it is normal to have that feeling.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens’ boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Teach Your Kids to Be Honest

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Finding out that your child has lied to you is utterly heartbreaking. After that one incident, you begin to feel apprehensive every time your child tells you something. After knowing for a fact that your child is capable of lying, you find it hard to trust anything that your child tells you. A sound child and parent relationship does not work that way, which is why you need to learn how to handle it.

While parents try as much as they can to let their children know the importance of honesty, there are still a few times when children forget about it. Because they are young, children are prone to shortcuts, failures, and temptations. These natural tendencies often lead to an occasional untruth, called the “white lie”.

A while lie is generally “harmless”, but then again kids can easily understand it in the wrong way. In order to prevent your kids from dishonesty, you have to nip the problem right in the bud. So that your kids will be discouraged from lying you have to teach them how to be honest.

The first step in teaching honesty is making your expectations of honesty very clear. You have to let your child know that telling the truth is very much important, therefore he should aim for it as much as possible. Tell your child that there are consequences for lying. As early as possible, nurture honesty in your kids as a desirable character trait.

But teaching your kids about being honest when you are dishonest yourself is just purely wrong. If you want to show your kids the importance of honesty, model honest behavior to your child. Prevent yourself from telling lies or misrepresenting facts. Kids are very keen observers and they know when they are being lied to, so do not risk it.

You have to reinforce any act of honesty too. When you reward your kids every time they tell the truth, you are also encouraging them to continue the behavior. Every time your kid is honest during a difficult situation, praise them for making the right move. After telling the truth about a sensitive situation, appreciate them.

It is very important that you believe your kids. So when you feel that your child is not telling you the truth, do not jump into hasty conclusions right away. Before you make any judgments, evaluate the facts first. It is very important that you find out for a fact that your kids are telling the truth or not before you accuse them of lying.

Teaching kids how to be honest is a daunting task. But if you make honesty a principle to live by, following through with it might not be as difficult. Take every opportunity there is and share the value of honesty with your kids as much as you can.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

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