Archive for 'defiance'

Secret Parenting Techniques of Child Care Professionals

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We’ve all seen them. We know they’ve got a secret, some kind of deep knowledge we lack. How else could they do it? How can the people who work with children every day somehow manage to keep twenty and thirty children behaving properly… when we can barely keep up with our own two children at home? What secret parenting techniques could we learn from them, and how do we get them to teach us?

There are a lot of theories that don’t involve parenting techniques. There are those who say that children are naturally social, and if you provide a group activity they’ll simply go along with it. There are others who say it’s just the vast array of toys and games and art supplies; if you packed your house as full of child-friendly activities, your children would be that well-behaved, too.

While there is some truth to these methods, the real secret is a bit more subtle than that. Yes, children are social, and will act as a group; you can see them collecting into groups on the playground, even if they don’t know one another. And yes, having something child-friendly to do at any turn helps… ask any aunt or uncle who’s tried to babysit how children act in a house with no toys or games suited to their age. But there are real parenting techniques here, which we as parents can learn to employ.

The key element, which most of us miss because we simply don’t observe the right things, is that the child care professional does not set the children to doing something and then leave – but remains to interact with the children. As parenting techniques go, it seems simple and obvious… but how many of us do it?

The basic reality is that children, no matter what toys and games they are provided, crave the attention and approval of others. This is why they collect in groups themselves – to offer their own attention and approval to one another. But as we all know, children are often unwilling to be supportive at all times, and arguments can break out. It’s amazing how many sophisticated parenting techniques come up wanting, next to this simple and effective method: just pay attention to the children.

Of course, we all have things to do during the day. How can we get them done, if we’re constantly paying attention to the children? The answer is so simple as to be profound – involve the children in your daily routine. While going about your daily tasks, take your children with you, and explain what you are doing and why… with occasional questions to involve the child in displaying an understanding.

There are certainly other parenting techniques that can be used, and you’ll definitely want to know more than this “secret” of the child care professionals. But it’s honestly that easy; involve yourself with your children, and your children in your daily life. As a great man once said, all else is commentary.

To learn more about parenting toddlers, check out the Talking to Toddlers Audio Course. For parenting older children, I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

Dealing With Your Defiant Teenager

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Every parent, at some time or another, needs to deal with the problem of a defiant teenager – the times, whether frequent or infrequent, that your teenager simply doesn’t want to do what you expect. This can be terribly frustrating, not simply because your expectations aren’t being met, but because a teenager certainly has the mental and emotional resources to understand those expectations.

In general, a defiant teenager has a social and psychological need to be in control. A teenager is at once not a child, but still not an adult – capable of making choices and taking actions that have real and serious impact, but without the wisdom of age and experience to guide those choices and actions.

Having been there ourselves, and gained this wisdom and experience, we want to help our children make these choices and take these actions properly. The defiant teenager is not simply rebelling for the sake of rebellion, but recognizes on some level that simply doing as he or she is told will not provide that wisdom and experience.

Teenagers make the bad choices they do, not because they desire the undesirable outcomes of those choices – but because they do not have the skills to solve problems as effectively as adults. A defiant teenager does not simply want to be defiant, but wants instead to experiment with problem-solving tactics that will be useful in adulthood.

Once you understand this dynamic – that your defiant teenager is not defying the wisdom and experience which leads to the proper and correct choices, but defying instead the demand of a choice without explanation of the wisdom and experience behind it – a more productive dynamic can evolve.

Even the most defiant teenager is usually equipped to understand the basic rules of cause and effect. Instead of telling your teen which choice to make, help reason through the choice – speak directly to the decision being made, without being emotional or angry about the subject. If you’ve had experience with the same choice, telling your teen about this experience directly… what choice you made, why you made it, and what happened in the end… goes a lot farther than simply dictating the “correct” choice.

In short, it is far more effective to join the team with your defiant teenager than to install yourself as the coach. As James Lehman, MSW, observes: “The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.” By aggressively promoting the “right” decision, we take power away from our children, and they resist – but by joining the team, we can exert our power together on the problem, instead of on one another.

Once your defiant teenager understands, through consistent experience, that the two of you are on the same team and working together to solve problems – instead of trying to assert power over one another by being the one to make the decision – the defiance rapidly dissipates.

To learn more about dealing with a defiant teenager I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

Dealing With Defiance in Children

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Defiance in children can be one of the more frustrating things with which we, as parents, are expected to cope. Whenever we instruct or direct the defant child, we find opposition at every turn, and some truly creative ways of avoiding the desired behavior.

To the child, defiance is a way of asserting control. We all want to be in control of our own lives, and defiance in children is often the only way they can see to assert that control – when instructed to do something, their only choice other than compliance appears to be saying “no.” And therein lies the key.

To handle defiance in children, offering choices is the simplest and most direct way of allowing the child to assert control in a productive and simple manner. Rather than insisting that the child do as you direct, provide the child with a choice of two things – even something as simple as choosing the order of activity can be effective.

It is important to note that a choice between reward and punishment is rarely sufficient, because this is really no choice at all, and will simply create more defiance. In children, the desire to control the environment is strong, and a choice needs to be real if we are to expect any productive result.

One such choice might be to choose whether to wash your face or brush your teeth first. Regardless of the choice, teeth must be brushed and faces must be washed; but by providing the child some control over the process, even when the end result is the same, goes a long way in addressing potential defiance in children.

The most important thing to remember is that the child does not, in most cases, want to be defiant. The reasoning behind defiance in children is not to be contrary or to have power over authority, but to exert control over the child’s own life; to make decisions that are meaningful. Simply recognizing this can go a long way in addressing defiance in children.

As parents, we do not want to be in control of our children’s lives at all. We want our children to reach a point where they can be in control of their own lives, and make choices which will be productive and beneficial as they reach adulthood. Defiance in children is not a resistance to this idea, but an effort to move the process along faster – to have that control, and demonstrate how well they can make these choices. Offering choices provides a productive and beneficial outlet for that effort.

It rapidly becomes second nature, to offer a choice when faced with defiance. In children, the drive to “grow up” – and have greater control over their lives – is one of the strongest drives they experience. Simply providing an avenue for the child to express this drive, and demonstrate greater responsibility and intelligence, can rapidly and dramatically reduce defiance i children.

To learn more about solving problems with your defiant child I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.