Archive for 'defiant teenager'

All about Projection

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When parents pass on their emotional baggage to their child, the concept of projection happens. Projection can affect a child’s life in great proportions in one or more aspects of his or her life. The effects of projection could be so serious, it could increase a child’s vulnerability to certain behavioral and emotional imbalances.

Children usually inherit or adapt to certain things that they pick up at home, from and through the kind of relationships that they have with their parents. The problem begins when children starts to get nothing but the sensitive issues that their parents carry in their backs – the need for attention or social approval, difficulty in dealing with certain expectations, and the tendency to blame oneself.

Because children are young and fragile, they become very susceptible to inheriting the relationship problems of their parents such as feeling responsible for the happiness of others and vice versa as well as acting impulsively in order to relieve the feeling of anxiety instead of enduring that anxiety for a while to act thoughtfully. The stronger the projection of the parents, the stronger relationship baggage the child inherits from his or her parents.

When a person has too much relationship sensitivity, his or her vulnerability to emotional and behavioral problems can result to a a chronic anxiety in all aspects of one’s life. The process of projection occurs in three stages.

First, the parent sees the child with the fear that something is wrong with the child. Second, the parent sees any behavior of the child as a confirmation of that fear. And third, the parent treats the child as if something is actually wrong with him or her.

The steps of projection usually begin while the child is still young and continues until the child gets older. It is the unrealistic fear of the parents that inspires the problem – the child learns to develop or shape his or her perceptions of the world and of others according to what his or her parents think, embodying the fears and distorted perceptions themselves.

The concept of projection becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the parents constantly try to “fix” the problem of the child according to their personal diagnosis. So when a parent believes that her child has a low self esteem, she will repeatedly affirm the child which consequently leads to the child’s self esteem growing dependent on that affirmation.

A lot of things can go wrong the moment the concept of projection occurs in a family. It could lead to a sibling rivalry, since the other “normal” siblings will not get as much attention as the child who “needs fixing” gets. Parents will also feel confused about their roles and both will often feel unsure of themselves and the kind of relationship that they have with their child.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp for teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Difficult Teen

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The article we posted on our blog today is for parents who are having a tough time with their teens. It zeroes in on the often overlooked cause of the teens’ difficult behavior. Parents need to accept that teens require a different kind of treatment from children, and this article titled, Difficult Teen, discusses what are the adjustments they need to make in order to handle their teens effectively. To learn more ways to handle rebellious and disrespectful teens, try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. This behavior program can be yours if you fill out a feedback survey.

How to Stay Focused in Disciplining Your Child

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Although it is not a matter to celebrate, it is a reality that a lot of parents out there are being held hostage by their abusive children. Some mothers even dread bringing their sons and daughters at the mall because they know they will end up buying anything their children want, just to avoid being humiliated by their kids in public.

When parents feel powerless against their kids, the typical ending is giving in to their children’s every whim. But the thing is, when parents respond to their kids’ unacceptable behavior by backing down they are not actually providing solution to the problem. Instead, they are encouraging their child’s behavior because they are letting their child feel superior over them.

Children continue to abuse their parents because they know that at some point, their parents will give in. When your child starts to make a scene at the mall and what you do is buy him what he wants to make him shut up and stop humiliating you, you are actually sending him a message that misbehavior works.

If you do not respond to your child in an effective way every time he makes a scene in public, you are letting him create a pattern of behavior where he learns to blackmail you to give in to his qualms. When you give in to your child’s tantrums and public outbursts, you are encouraging his thinking of “Give me what I want or I will humiliate you”.

Buying your son the robot that he wants when he starts yelling and screaming in public is actually strengthening his wrong behavior. Every time you reward him, you are like telling your child not to change and not to mature. Every time you give in to their tantrums, you are making that portion of your child’s personality valid and accepted.

But perhaps giving a screaming child what he wants is the easiest way to make him stop, what with all the things that we have to think about. Especially when we start to get into a long argument with our child in public, our minds can easily jump from one concern to another. So what can we do in order to stay focused?

If you find it hard to stay focused whenever your child throws a tantrum, it will help if you write down your concerns in an index card and keep referring to it. You can have two or three things on this card, and carry it with you at all times or when you go to a place where your child is likely to make a scene if you fail to give in to his demands.

Doing this will certainly help you keep your focus whenever you and one of your abusive kids gets into an argument or whenever he tries to distract you off the topic with his yells and screams.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Bigger Hammers Develop Bigger Nails: Why Parents Should Not Take Things Personally

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Our children spend at least half of their lives living with us, watching our every move every day. We might not be aware of it, but as they grow our children also absorbs the things that make us tick, both in good and bad ways. Kids are very adaptive of their environment, so do not be surprised to hear your daughter answer back with the most overwhelming argument.
Perhaps it is inherent to all parents to try and control their emotions, even bite their tongue as much as they can. However,
some parents can only hold their temper for so long and release a sleeping monster within. If you are one of the many parents who struggle so hard with keeping their emotions as manageable as possible, you might find this read interesting and helpful.

Losing your temper easily translates into shouting at your kids, calling them names, slamming things on the counter, increasing the consequences beyond necessary, and depriving them of their basic needs such as dinners to serve as a punishment.

Tension happens between parent and child almost every day, about almost everything – from getting dressed, finishing their potatoes, not sticking with the rules, to being verbally disrespectful. As children become teenagers, the problems escalate into issues concerning socializing, behavior outside the house, helping with household chores, and dishonesty.

The ultimate reason why parents get easily mad when their kids do not follow what they say is that they get trapped in power struggles with their kids. When you allow yourself to be eaten by power struggle, regardless of your child’s age, your emotions will be harder to control and you will find it more difficult to get out of the struggle.

Come to think of it – if losing temper was an effective parenting strategy, all parents in the world would be problem-free. All we have to do is to wait until our child gets into our nerves, yell at him for a while, and he goes out of the house a changed kid.

Losing your temper and taking things personally does not work. It is ineffective because the root of the problem gets lost in the heat of the argument, and it is left unsolved after all energy has been used for yelling and screaming. When you get angry, instead of learning the essential problem solving skill, your child gets nothing but power thrusts from you.

Think of it this way: if your child misbehaves and all you do is get a bigger hammer to correct his mistake, your child will grow and become a bigger nail. Understand that learning how to solve problems and control emotions is what your child needs to get out of childhood. If you do not teach him that, who will?

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Help For Troubled Teenagers – Without The Heartache

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Although most of us have little trouble seeking help, for troubled teenagers, it’s frequently hard for them to know they need help. Bombarded on all sides with conflicting messages, lacking the experience and wisdom of adulthood, the path to their dream life may seem all too clear… even when there is no path at all.

The teenager is working from a flawed understanding of the world, trusting the voices of people in authority, in much the same way they did as children. At the same time, they are rejecting the family unit – a group they had no choice in joining – and gravitating to a circle of friends they have chosen themselves.

This combination can be volatile, and lead to additional bad choices, as an improperly chosen circle of friends will frequently look to an improper authority, leading to improper behavior aimed at an improper set of lifestyle choices.

While it’s certainly not possible to choose your teen’s friends, let alone convince them to wear different clothes or listen to different music, it’s certainly possible to educate them on the subtleties of the world… without dictating specific changes in their lifestyle.

It’s important to understand that the teenager believes our view of the world is flawed – that we are stuck in old ways of doing things, neglecting the new technologies and the new social groups that are available now.

Help for troubled teens is not usually difficult because of the teens themselves, but because of our approach. When you couple a universal principle too tightly with a tradition or standard, teens feel that you are simply selling them your tradition, not showing them the principle. As programs like James Lehman’s Total Transformation Program show, the principles themselves are what is important – not the traditions and standards that make us feel comfortable as adults.

When you draw a box around what you are offering help for, troubled teens have difficulty seeing beyond that box to the application of your principles in their daily lives. Instead of discussing how you can accomplish a specific goal, it is more effective to examine how goals like this one can be accomplished.

By taking that extra step back, you provide room for your teen to take a step forward into an additional problem… perhaps one that is embarrassing, and certainly not anything to ask an adult. When the principle is universal, and the reasoning is sound, your guidance can be used to solve other problems – and gradually earn the respect and trust of your teen, as the principles you explain prove their value in the real world your teen inhabits.

To learn more about help for troubled teenagers, I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

The Truth About Behavior Modification Schools

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When you’ve had difficulty with your child, whether it’s trouble at school or destructive behavior at home, sooner or later someone gets around to recommending a behavior modification school. And while it’s true that these facilities have a solid track record for addressing behavior problems, there are simple facts that cannot be ignored.

The goal of a behavior modification school is simply to modify the behavior. That is the end of their interest, in most cases. They are not interested in making your child a healthy and productive adult; they are interested simply in getting your child to follow their rules.

Those rules aren’t constructed for the best interest of society, but for the best interest of the school – making it easier to run the school, and manage a large number of children with a small number of staff.

The purpose of a behavior modification school is, initially, a noble one: to help parents with their problem children. The trouble with these schools is that they don’t have any vested interest in the future success and happiness of your children.

If you’re considering a behavior modification school, it’s probably because you recognize that it’s a full time job to handle your one child. Imagine having sixty or more of them. NO level of expertise or education can make that easy.

Over time, the focus of the school changes from efficiency in results to efficiency in operation, and the children are treated less like the individuals they are – simply because there are not enough staff to handle the workload.

While this may do a reasonable job of preparing your child for a life in unskilled menial labor, perhaps at a fast food restaurant, it doesn’t do a very good job of preparing a child for future success… whether in college, or in business.

For a more balanced approach to modifying your child’s behavior, it’s worth the time to check into various systems like James Lehman’s, which provide you the tools to manage your child’s behavior at home.

With your involvement, you can be sure that your child’s education and training are in line with your values and ideals. Instead of letting other people raise your child with the priorities that matter to them, in an environment that doesn’t match the real world where the rest of us live, you can ensure that your child is given the skills and behaviors that really matter – the skills that can make them healthy and productive members of our modern society.

Overall, the results you’ll find with a program you can implement at home are well worth the extra time and effort you put into it.

Parents – before you send you kid away, do something that will teach you skills as well as help your child. I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.

Dealing With Your Defiant Teenager

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Every parent, at some time or another, needs to deal with the problem of a defiant teenager – the times, whether frequent or infrequent, that your teenager simply doesn’t want to do what you expect. This can be terribly frustrating, not simply because your expectations aren’t being met, but because a teenager certainly has the mental and emotional resources to understand those expectations.

In general, a defiant teenager has a social and psychological need to be in control. A teenager is at once not a child, but still not an adult – capable of making choices and taking actions that have real and serious impact, but without the wisdom of age and experience to guide those choices and actions.

Having been there ourselves, and gained this wisdom and experience, we want to help our children make these choices and take these actions properly. The defiant teenager is not simply rebelling for the sake of rebellion, but recognizes on some level that simply doing as he or she is told will not provide that wisdom and experience.

Teenagers make the bad choices they do, not because they desire the undesirable outcomes of those choices – but because they do not have the skills to solve problems as effectively as adults. A defiant teenager does not simply want to be defiant, but wants instead to experiment with problem-solving tactics that will be useful in adulthood.

Once you understand this dynamic – that your defiant teenager is not defying the wisdom and experience which leads to the proper and correct choices, but defying instead the demand of a choice without explanation of the wisdom and experience behind it – a more productive dynamic can evolve.

Even the most defiant teenager is usually equipped to understand the basic rules of cause and effect. Instead of telling your teen which choice to make, help reason through the choice – speak directly to the decision being made, without being emotional or angry about the subject. If you’ve had experience with the same choice, telling your teen about this experience directly… what choice you made, why you made it, and what happened in the end… goes a lot farther than simply dictating the “correct” choice.

In short, it is far more effective to join the team with your defiant teenager than to install yourself as the coach. As James Lehman, MSW, observes: “The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.” By aggressively promoting the “right” decision, we take power away from our children, and they resist – but by joining the team, we can exert our power together on the problem, instead of on one another.

Once your defiant teenager understands, through consistent experience, that the two of you are on the same team and working together to solve problems – instead of trying to assert power over one another by being the one to make the decision – the defiance rapidly dissipates.

To learn more about dealing with a defiant teenager I highly recommend The Total Transformation Program, by James Lehman.