Archive for 'effective parenting'

Not Every Argument is Worth Fighting For

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Of course, you would not want to live in a house filled with fussing and fighting. But that does not mean that you should leave all the decisions to your kids. For a house to become a home there should be a balance. And the best way to do that is to choose your battles with your kids wisely and stick to your guns on certain issues, while remaining more flexible on others.

According to parenting experts, the best parents are those who are moderately strict. To break it down in simpler terms, that means not being too strict, or too lenient. When parents are overly strict to the point of controlling their kids, they tend to run the risk of forcing their kids to stand up for themselves and rebel.

Have you tried squeezing a bird in your hand? The bird would likely do everything it can to break free from your grasp. Children feel no different – they could have security issues because their parents are not putting appropriate walls around them. Parents should remember that putting a fence around a child can affect him in two ways – either it constricts him, or make him feel safe.

Being the one in charge, parents are responsible in striking a sense of balance in handling their kids. And the first step is to choose their battles carefully. Rebellion may be considered safe and healthy at some extent, but beyond that needs special attention. Adolescents are expected to let go of their parents’ hands and try a few things on their own as they become their own persons, in which case some rebellion is necessary.

So when your daughter tells you that she is thinking of dying her hair red from being a natural blonde, consider that as a “safe” rebellion. However, when your 16-year old daughter tells you that she is thinking of getting a tattoo or her tongue pierced, it is a different story – doing permanent things like this may not necessarily be safe.

Parents should learn to prioritize their concerns – they can be rock solid on matters regarding health and safety, but can choose to be flexible on other issues. Curfew for example is about making sure that your children get home safe, so it should be a battle that you should choose to fight. But issues about what clothes to wear or applying make up, you can choose to back off.

Make sure that you stand firm when it comes to matters concerning school and studying as well as proper nutrition and proper hygiene. And if you are strong in your faith, then church attendance should not be a subject for debate.

Choose your battles wisely and do not back down when you feel that it is important or worthy of getting into conflict. Do not be afraid to demand your kids into doing something, but show them that you are considerate on certain things.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Ways to Discourage Kids from Justifying Their Behavior

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Every parent will arrive in that point where confronting a teenage son will be necessary. Say for example you are concerned about your children getting into bad vices and hanging out with bad company. So you ask him one night, “Charlie, are you smoking?”

Releasing something as huge as this can lead your child to react in two ways, either he denies the behavior like what most teenagers do and tells you, “What? Of course not”, which brings up a concern for honesty and lying; or your son can admit it to you pointblank but with a certain flaw, “Yes I smoke, but all my friends does it so it’s normal.”

What your son did was not just give you an excuse; he was also trying to justify his behavior. Children tend to do this because they believe that if they can justify their actions, that makes it okay. So next time you ask your daughter why she pierced her nose, expect an answer that goes something like, “Everybody does it mom, so relax.”

A child trying to justify his behavior is a child who does not know the value of responsibility and accountability. If you tolerate your child with all his justifications, you are allowing him to think that he can do anything he wants without consequences.

Part of being a parent is the duty of teaching your kids to certain boundaries and limitations. That is why you need to discourage your kids from making justifications of their actions as early as possible. And the best way to do that is by teaching them two important values: accountability and responsibility.

The first thing that you need to do in order to build a home that upholds accountability and responsibility is by making sure that you have a positive relationship with your kids. Spend quality time with them and try to strengthen a good relationship with them. You will not be able to teach your children anything valuable if they don’t trust you or anything that you say.

You can also teach your kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions if you give them assigned tasks regularly. You will be more effective and teaching them how to be responsible if you give them a routine, perhaps a weekly or a daily task. Try giving your kids daily or weekly tasks, even something as simple as changing the sheets or putting the trash out.

But the best way that you can teach your kids to be responsible is by showing them yourself. How can you tell them to be responsible if you are not showing them that you are responsible as well? If you really want your kids to learn how important owning up to their mistakes and being responsible for their actions are, then it should start with you first.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Take One Issue at a Time

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Giving consequences to abusive kids, especially when they are approaching adolescence has always been one of the biggest challenges to all parents. In fact, some parents give up and seize trying out of hopelessness and frustration. There are kids that no matter how hard their parents try, they still continue their unacceptable behavior or even get worse.

Most parents will certainly agree that finding the right consequences as well as the right privileges, and following through with them, is one of the hardest part of disciplining children. Although there are a lot of things that you can take away from your child in reality, parents usually find themselves powerless and with limited choices.

So what should parents do in order to teach kids who talk back appropriate behavior? If your daughter talks back, what should you do? If you tell your son that you are going to take away his iPod for a week if he does not get an A at his upcoming math test and he tells you, “You can try”, what should do?

First, you have to make it clear to your child that there is definitely no excuse for abuse, verbal and physical. Let your child know that in your home, any form of abuse is not tolerated. If your child continues to refuse the consequences, make things clear by saying, “Arguing with me like this is not going to change the rules. You know what you need to do right now.” Then walk away.

Always remember not to engage in a power struggle with your child, because once you do, things will get more complicated and out of hand. Engaging in a power struggle with your child is a trap that will give him a sense of control, something that he has been trying to get.

The key to properly disciplining your child, regardless of age is by focusing on one thing at a time. Yes as parents it is completely understandable to have a long list of things that you want to change or you want your child to do differently. But be realistic, attacking someone with every little thing that they are doing wrong will not make them change.

If you tell your child everything that he is doing wrong at one blow, he will be overwhelmed and will choose to stop trying altogether. Choose one or two at the most, of the most “alarming” behavior that you want to change in your child then focus on the skills to improve, the consequences to use, and the means of encouraging those new skills.

One way to help abusive kids improve is by teaching them to solve one problem at a time, so focus in on one thing: doing homework, cleaning the room, saying “thank you”. When you see your child improving on those areas, move on to the next behavior and so on.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

Making Excuses – Correct the Process Not the Excuse

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No parent will feel surprised when their child avoids responsibility as much as they can. Every time a child does something wrong, 9 out of 10 children admit their mistake on the spot. The usual scenario is that a child points at someone else or makes up a silly excuse such as the classic, “My dog ate my homework.”

However, a child may admit that he is wrong but with a slight problem. “Yes, I did it but…” is that line familiar to you? Kids may acknowledge that they did something wrong, but with an excuse at the end. “I’m sorry, but you did it first.” “I’m sorry, but it’s mine.” “I’m sorry, but you asked for it.” “I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

When your child tells you these things, he is actually apologizing with a condition – “I’m sorry but it is not really my fault.” You have to be very careful not to let your child form the habit of making excuses for his actions. When your kid does not learn to own up to his mistakes, he is not learning how to take responsibility for his behavior. When he fails to learn to take responsibility, no matter what you do, he will not be able to change and correct his behavior.

Children learn to make excuses when parents ask them, “Why did you do it?” That question begs for an explanation, and in a child’s mind, his main goal is to avoid any punishment and blame. So when you ask your child a reason why he punched his sister in the face, thinking of a way out from the possible consequences or your disapproval becomes the automatic response.

When your child finds out that making up an excuse for his mistake actually gets him out of trouble, he will try to use that weapon over and over. It starts with a harmless excuse at a young age, but begins to escalate into bigger excuses as they grow older in order to avoid being held accountable for their misdemeanor. But without accountability, genuine change in behavior is hard to achieve.

When your child tells you, “I’m sorry I punched her, but she pinched me first”, challenge his thinking on the spot. Saying sorry is a good thing, but is meaningless when followed by an excuse. When your child makes up excuses, do not try to disvalue his excuse. Instead, correct his act of making an excuse.

So when your son tells you his sister broke his toy first that is why he kicked her doll, tell him, “Regardless if your sister broke your toy, it is not an excuse for kicking his doll.” Explain to him that making any excuse for his actions will not erase his mistake and will not save him from the consequences of his action.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Thinking Errors: Stop Your Kids from Making Excuses

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Almost all parents feel the same thing – arguing with their kids is a losing battle. It can be so amazing that no matter what you tell your child, he will always have that smart comeback that is often very effective at pushing your buttons or leaving you speechless. And no matter how mature you try to be and what reasoning you put on, the moment your child gets angry, he is never at fault.

It has remained a real wonder how children manage to come up with this witty comebacks. But one thing is certain – children have several “traps” for you to fall into. That is why it is important to know these traps in order for you to avoid them. When you realize what these traps are, you will be able to hold your child accountable for his actions.

It is a natural thing to see our kids blame others and point their fingers at other people when we hold them responsible for their behavior. Usually, kids think they are the victims despite the gravity of their mistakes. Seeing themselves as the victim makes them feel, in their mind, that they can get away with anything.

If you often notice your child blame other people whenever you call his attention and corrects his behavior, then there is a need to challenge the way your child sees himself. If he acts out and starts to make a scene whenever you make him realize his unacceptable behavior, then you need to find ways to stop that pattern immediately.

Children should be discouraged from blaming other people, situations, or things for not completing a certain task and for not meeting set expectations. When your child blames someone else, in reality he is saying that it is not his fault because he is the victim.

The classic, “My dog ate my homework” actually means in reality, “I am a victim of my dog, so I am not responsible for it and should not be punished for either.”

Children who see themselves as victims and are tolerated to believe that kind of thinking will grow up having a hard time achieving some of the very important milestones that early life development demands. So when your son tells you next time that his classmate punched him first, tell him “Blaming your classmate does not solve anything. You need to apologize to him right now or I will tell your father about this.”

Stop your kids from making excuses and putting the blame on others. It is important that you realize these thinking errors and hold your kids accountable for their actions. When you understand these thinking errors, you will not only be able to avoid the traps they have set for you during arguments, you will also be able to stop the blaming, the habit of making excuses, as well as the victim thinking.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Teaching Kids Right from Wrong: Don’t Use Your Emotions

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No parent enters parenthood fully aware and prepared for the surprises parenthood brings. If all parents had a crash-course on parenthood, it would have been one of the easiest things to do. That is why when parents begin to notice that their child is ignoring the rules, they begin to panic as well.

The inevitable time will come when that cute little baby that you have nurtured and cuddled through the night becomes a determined preschooler who screams at you and demands that you turn the TV on, “right now”. Seeing your child act like that the first time could make you think back and evaluate if you have done something wrong to get that much hate from your kid. Although the emotion could be real, hatred is not exactly what your child feels.

It is normal to feel violated and hurt when your child begins to get out of hand and engage in scandalous behaviors. In fact, keeping your emotions in check and trying not to take things personally can be really difficult to do.

But if it is any consolation, it is actually a good sign that your child begins to challenge your rules and attempts to demand what they want. When your child breaks your heart without worrying about you not loving them afterwards actually means a developmental milestone. But still, it does not mean that the behavior is acceptable.

Every parent has his and her own set of standards to discipline and acceptable behaviors, so you have to get to work and recognize what is proper behavior to you.

When you hear your child say, “I hate you!” in a firm and loud voice, breathe and relax. Do not take it personally because actually, what he is trying to say is something like “I’m hungry or I’m exhausted or I’m scared” and so on.

Do not let your emotions get the best of you, instead try some active listening and communication techniques to help you acknowledge what your child truly feels while letting him know that his behavior is out of bounds. Do not contradict what your child said in order to avoid getting into a power struggle.

So next time your child tells you something rude or yells something hurtful at you, respond in a calm voice, “I understand that you are angry because you want to eat your cookie now, but shouting at mommy like that is bad.” Introducing your child to what is right and what is not will help you feel in control while you reinforce his limitations in the process. On top of that, you were able to teach your child right from wrong without getting too emotional or too absorbed in the matter.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Family Business Is Real Business

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Everything I learned about business is all thanks to my father. He gave me my first job. He hired me to work for him in the family business. I was in college back then and the prospect of having extra money aside from the allowance I get sounded like a really sweet deal. Indeed it was and I can’t thank him enough. My first job was as a disbursement officer. What I do is compute salaries of employees and create weekly payrolls. Then I handed the paychecks each weekend. It was quite an easy task for someone who was studying as a Management major. I didn’t really dive into the whole taxation scene because I felt that I wasn’t ready for that yet.

After years of working for my dad, I realized now why he had hired me. It wasn’t for the extra money he wanted to give me because he could have supported me financially without me doing anything for him. I know now that he wanted me to learn. He wanted to teach me the ways of the family business. He wanted me to be part of it.

A lot of family members get hired to work for a family business for reasons such as trust and confidence that can easily be obtained from those of your own flesh and blood, the responsibilities and commitments that a family members gets to fully understand in due time, the taxes that can be lowered and savings from health insurances, and even social security issues and the like.

It was when I applied for a position in a private company that I first came across the subject of employee retention. The Human Resource Manages of the company was trying so hard to explain it that it asked myself why it is so important for a company. I even questioned how difficult could it be to hire someone competent enough and be assured of his or her loyalty to the company. But it only lead me to realize that not a lot of people get the chance to work for a family business and know the real deal about dedication and honesty.

The thing with having to learn from your parents is that you are taught in a whole new different way. You don’t learn for bonuses and incentives but you do it out of love and respect. What happens is that you tend to disregard everything else if you are doing something for the family business. From experience, I can say that even if I were asked to do something very late or too early in the morning, it wouldn’t be a problem because I am doing it for the family. Try doing it for your boss from a private company. It’s not going to be the same.

Also when money matters come in and financial issues rise, as an employee of the family business, there is a great chance that you will even offer to work for free just to help out. These things don’t happen to private companies a lot of times and sometimes never. That’s the main difference being an employee for a family business versus an employee of a private company. You are more concerned, more affected, and more understanding when it comes to times or turmoil. This is because you have the “heart” and we are talking about family.

Another similar thing is how parents impart wisdom and educate their children about the business compared to how managers just tell their subordinates what to do and what not to do. Obviously parents want to teach kids a thing or two about the business in the hopes that one day they will be able to run it effectively. If an employee of a private firm messes up, they will just find a replacement for that person, but you simply can’t find a replacement for your own children.

The success of a family business all boils down to everyone who is working hard for it. For family members, it is easier to fix any disagreements among themselves. They can even develop openness in their communication and foster work ethics with each other with compassion and tolerance. I know this for sure because of first hand experience and this is probably the chief reason why I have a personal preference of working for the family business and I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to do so.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Treat Your Home Like a Business: How to Tell Your Kids NO

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Most parents believe that every rule needs to be explained thoroughly to their kids in order for them to understand and follow. Although this works fine for certain circumstances, going beyond one instance of explaining your decision might pave the way for more serious problems. Letting your child understand every decision and every reason that you have can easily turn to wanting their approval.

This could lead you into a very dangerous cycle of over-explaining every little thing to your kids. At work, did you hear your boss over-explain his decision about not allowing employees sleep while on duty? Have you heard about a CEO sitting beside the janitor, explaining the reason why he needs the office clean at all times? That is why most experts recommend that if you have already given your child an explanation once, repeating everything for the second time is not necessary.

Evaluate your relationship with your kid, have you been frequently explaining your rules and your reasons every time your child disagrees with you? If so, then you probably have kept talking to your kid every time a misunderstanding occurs – a clear indication that you have been defending your own decisions to your child, right in your own home.

If unnoticed, this habit usually grows with the child. You will soon find yourself compromising some more to your kid, and even changing the rules in favor of your kid every time he disagrees. Be reminded that when you over-elaborate your decisions to your child, you are training him NOT to follow your rules.

Always be firm; when you tell your child, “No, we will buy that on your birthday” at the toy store, and he keeps insisting that you should buy it now, and you give in after a while buying him the toy eventually, you just trained your child not to value your decision.

Remember that when you give in to your child’s whim even when already said no earlier, you are grooming him to break the rules, your rules. Of course, that is not what you want.

When you do not stand by your “no”, this is what happens – when you say “no” to your kids, they will think that you are just letting them challenge your authority, the punishment that you set, or the responsibilities that they have. When you explain yourself to your child over and over and end up doing what he wants, you are trying to be successful at allowing your child to overpower you without even knowing.

In order to avoid that, it is then necessary that you show your child certain limits that he is not to violate. These limits could be as minor as setting a curfew to saying, “No cartoons before homework”. Setting these rules sans the over-explaining habit lets your child realize the value of being told “no”.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Teaching Your Kids Honesty through Consequences

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When it comes to disciplining children, parents are usually faced with the dilemma of teaching their kids two important values: honesty and the importance of consequences.

Say for example you found out that your child broke the pots in your neighbor’s garden on purpose and for no apparent reason. Although your child confessed what he did, still you want to implement some punishment. What should you do then in order to administer consequences for this unacceptable behavior without discouraging your child to be honest or tell something like this in the future? Of course, the last thing that you want is to punish your child for telling the truth.

Actually, if this situation is handled the right way, it offers an opportunity to teach both lessons in a way that your child will surely remember until he grows old. Given the situation, the reward that you can give for your child’s honesty may be a little intangible, however it will be important in the long run. You should tell your child, with sincerity and warmth, that you are happy that he told you the truth about what happened and that you recognize the fact that it was indeed an act of courage.

You can tell him, “It makes me easier to trust you when you are brave enough to tell me the truth even when it is something very difficult to do.”

You have to acknowledge that the fact your child told you about that he did indicates that he knows he did something wrong. Let him know that by telling him, “I know you know that what you did was a bad thing to do, and I believe that you will not do it again.”

In order to let your child learn from what happened, you need to involve him in deciding what he should do to make amends with the neighbors. You can ask him, “What do you think should happen now?” Or you can tell him a simple thing like, “If someone broke your most favorite toy, what would you want them to do?” With proper guidance, your child will arrive at the realization that he needs to apologize and needs to replace what he broke.

You might need to use your own money to replace what he destroyed, but you should make it clear to him that he needs to figure something out in order to pay you back what you spent. Work out a plan – you can maybe agree that a portion of his allowance goes to a special container, or that you will give him extra household chores to earn additional money.

With clear and logical consequences, there is no need for angry lectures and spanking. Most importantly, your child will learn a memorable lesson about honesty and proper behavior in the process.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Why It’s Bad to Compare Your Family to Others

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Perhaps one of the biggest problems with families is not necessarily the problems that happen inside the home, but how we, parents, generally compare ourselves to other families.

At least once in your life, you heard a disappointed parent say, “I wish my son was more friendly and cheerful like his other classmates.” Or perhaps you overheard your daughter’s classmate say, “I wish my mom would understand like Anna’s mom.” Because these situations are somehow commonplace these days, it is then necessary that we understand why we often compare our own family to others. If we know the reason why we resort to this comparison, we will be able to find a workable solution.

Personally, I believe that we compare our families to others because a lot of families look better than our own families on the surface, which is why it is so easy to compare. Most of the time, we all tend to feel awkward talking about our family’s flaws with most people that we know.

Consequently, we begin to hold a false belief that we are in a “bad” family because we have problems, and everyone else knows what they are doing and we do not. That is why most often than not, we try to imitate the things that a parenting magazine tells us instead of doing what is best and proper for our family. We label ourselves after every challenge, and try to be like a “perfect family”, while overseeing the fact that the magazines are probably just trying to hide our homebound insecurities.

We all should remember that there is never a simple or a universal guideline for developing a truly productive family, let alone a perfect family one. There is no perfect way for a child to confess to his parents his true feelings and opinions about certain things, like being too overprotective. In the same sense that there is no magic dust that will make it easier for us parents to talk about unprotected sex and its dangers to our 16-year old daughters.

No magic or any magazine advice will make any family problem easier to solve. What it takes instead is a tremendous amount of efforts and understanding, for without these two, petty family issues can evolve into something bigger. It is important that we should realize the fact that there are no shortcuts that we can take when it comes to having a healthy and stable family.

Comparing your family to others is counterproductive. This does not mean that you expose all your family problems with everyone, but refusing to engage in any conversation where people brag about how wonderful their family happens to be.

Comparing families does not solve anything. If you stop doing it, you will see and appreciate the individuality your family has. And once you stop comparing and understand that your family is not THAT bad, solving family problems will be much easier.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

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