Archive for 'obnoxious and abusive children'

Using Transitions to Teach Kids Respect

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Given how kids behave these days, parents should double their efforts in teaching their kids respect. Children of today are exposed to a lot of things that can easily confuse them in deciding which one is right and which one is wrong. Worse, these beliefs can even make them lose some of the important values in life.

There is no way that we can control and change the environment that our kids have, but we can definitely teach them proper manners and respectful behavior. Respect has been a primary concern for most parents in the past years because kids seem to have been slacking on that area. Teaching kids the value of respect is important not just because it is a basis for socializing, but also because it helps them learn to respect themselves as well.

Although it is every parent’s wish, kids are not born respectful. They learn respect from the people around them through imitation and direct teaching. That is why some experts see children as mirrors – they reflect back to us everything that we say and do. That means that about 90% of everything that our kids learn are from the grownups around them and only 5% of all they learn is from direct instruction.

Almost all children believe that the rest of the world exists because of them, and that everyone will give them everything that they need no matter what. It is the parent’s job to correct that somehow distorted belief. It is important for parents to start teaching them a few things as they grow such as hitting and grabbing are wrong, or that screaming and interrupting when adults are talking is not good.

When your child does something disrespectful, act firmly but without anger and say, “We agreed about no screaming in the house. Lower your voice down when you talk to your sister.” Simple rules like these will be essential reminders for kids to respect others and control their impulses.

Have rules at home that promote respect. You can impose rules like no name callings or using bad language, listening to what others have to say, not using a sibling’s belonging without asking permission, and saying things in a respectful way even when the person is annoying you.

It is also advised to give your children consistent consequences every time they break the rules and compliment them when they do otherwise. You can further teach respect in your kids by first building them up before telling them something negative.

Using transitions in teaching your kids proper behavior is one way of letting your kids value respect. You can tell them “I appreciate that you talk to me nicely. And now let’s talk about dad. Why don’t you try talking to him like the way you talk to me?” Through a transition, you let your child focus on the value of respect instead of his behavior problem.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

The Value of Strategic Recognition and Strategic Affection

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Most parenting experts encourage giving regular recognition to your kids. Why? Because giving constant recognition strengthens the relationship between a child and a parent. It builds the self esteem of the child and at the same time makes him feel loved and noticed. So if you do not want your child to feel insecure and ignored, you should start acknowledging the things that he has done.

There are several ways of letting your child feel appreciated, but the most effective way of giving recognition is by doing it verbally. There are four types of verbal recognition, and all of which are very easy to use and very quick to apply.

The four types of verbal recognition are: active recognition, experiential recognition, proactive recognition, and creative recognition. Essentially close with each other, these four types of recognition provide a strong sense of appreciation to kids. By applying these four, your child will less likely feel insecure or unwanted.

Active recognition is like giving your child a quick summary of his current activity or mood. It is like telling your child whatever that you see him do or feel any time. It is like saying, “Hey, I notice you are building a house with three windows and a solid red door. It looks very strong. I’m sure it can stand any storm.”

Experiential recognition on the other hand is like active recognition, except that you inject a little reinforcement on the values and behaviors that you want your child to have. So for example you say, “I see that you are really concentrating on that math assignment of yours for 10 minutes. That is a great way to start, 10 minutes at a time.”

Like experiential recognition, proactive recognition also gives reinforcements but the main goal is to highlight your child’s success at sticking with rules. It may be a bit backdoor, but it is very effective. Creative recognition on the other hand is the combination of giving acknowledgment and compliance every time your child follows your requests.

The idea in creative recognition is making very simple and clear requests like, “Will you please hand me that spoon.” When your child does what he is told without muttering, you recognize his behavior by saying, “Thank you for doing that very quickly dear. Now I can have my breakfast.”

You can also use recognition as a tool to make your kids listen to you whenever you want to remind him or something about something that he is not supposed to do (again). This method is called strategic recognition and affection. When you want to correct your child about his “pushing behavior” at the game earlier, you can tell him, “You did a great job in the game today. And now let’s talk about pushing.” Saying it like that will make your child listen without feeling criticized or attacked.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Talk Back. Check on the link for more information.

Not Giving Your Child Attention When He Wants It

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All parents want the best for their children – the best school, the best dress, the best doctor, the best room, down to the most nice-looking haircut. Parents tend to give their child all ears and all eyes. Although there is nothing wrong with loving your child with your all, giving too much of anything is a bad thing.

You have to realize that the level of attention that you give your daughter when she was a year old should not be the same with the level of attention that you give your daughter when she is ten. That means feeding your child in her toddler years is thoughtful, but feeding her when she is about to go to high school is way out of line.

Parents should learn to slowly break themselves away from their kids emotionally and physically as well. It is not an easy thing to do and needs a tremendous amount of effort and time to fulfill. But every parent must slowly cut that powerful connection between parent and child that lets the former fall into a trap of thinking that their kids are the only ones who matter.

There is nothing wrong with loving your child and caring for her, but when you overdo it certain problems could take place. One possible effect of loving your child “too much” is an ugly sibling rivalry, or if you have only one child, it could turn him into an attention-seeking brat. Aside from that, concentrating all your attention in your kid alone could also impair your child’s emotional development.

Say for instance you took your 10-year old son to his Pediatrician. The moment you arrived at the waiting area, he started to crawl on fours and began to wander the hospital lobby crawling and no matter what you say, he just won’t stop. Obviously, your child is trying to get your attention and he is quite successful at doing so.

You noticed him, other parents and children in the lobby noticed him, the nurses and the staff noticed him too. But while doing all that, your child is not just trying to get your attention, he is also telling you that he can do what he wants and you can’t do anything about it.

So how do you address such unacceptable behavior? Simple: change the way you react to your kid’s behavior. Instead of whining about his behavior, completely ignore it and do not give it any importance.

You will be very effective at controlling your child’s attention-seeking behavior by leaving the premises once he starts making a show; that way you don’t feed his want for attention. “I misbehave so I get attention. I get attention so I misbehave.” Your job as parent is to end that cycle, in any way possible.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Family Business Is Real Business

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Everything I learned about business is all thanks to my father. He gave me my first job. He hired me to work for him in the family business. I was in college back then and the prospect of having extra money aside from the allowance I get sounded like a really sweet deal. Indeed it was and I can’t thank him enough. My first job was as a disbursement officer. What I do is compute salaries of employees and create weekly payrolls. Then I handed the paychecks each weekend. It was quite an easy task for someone who was studying as a Management major. I didn’t really dive into the whole taxation scene because I felt that I wasn’t ready for that yet.

After years of working for my dad, I realized now why he had hired me. It wasn’t for the extra money he wanted to give me because he could have supported me financially without me doing anything for him. I know now that he wanted me to learn. He wanted to teach me the ways of the family business. He wanted me to be part of it.

A lot of family members get hired to work for a family business for reasons such as trust and confidence that can easily be obtained from those of your own flesh and blood, the responsibilities and commitments that a family members gets to fully understand in due time, the taxes that can be lowered and savings from health insurances, and even social security issues and the like.

It was when I applied for a position in a private company that I first came across the subject of employee retention. The Human Resource Manages of the company was trying so hard to explain it that it asked myself why it is so important for a company. I even questioned how difficult could it be to hire someone competent enough and be assured of his or her loyalty to the company. But it only lead me to realize that not a lot of people get the chance to work for a family business and know the real deal about dedication and honesty.

The thing with having to learn from your parents is that you are taught in a whole new different way. You don’t learn for bonuses and incentives but you do it out of love and respect. What happens is that you tend to disregard everything else if you are doing something for the family business. From experience, I can say that even if I were asked to do something very late or too early in the morning, it wouldn’t be a problem because I am doing it for the family. Try doing it for your boss from a private company. It’s not going to be the same.

Also when money matters come in and financial issues rise, as an employee of the family business, there is a great chance that you will even offer to work for free just to help out. These things don’t happen to private companies a lot of times and sometimes never. That’s the main difference being an employee for a family business versus an employee of a private company. You are more concerned, more affected, and more understanding when it comes to times or turmoil. This is because you have the “heart” and we are talking about family.

Another similar thing is how parents impart wisdom and educate their children about the business compared to how managers just tell their subordinates what to do and what not to do. Obviously parents want to teach kids a thing or two about the business in the hopes that one day they will be able to run it effectively. If an employee of a private firm messes up, they will just find a replacement for that person, but you simply can’t find a replacement for your own children.

The success of a family business all boils down to everyone who is working hard for it. For family members, it is easier to fix any disagreements among themselves. They can even develop openness in their communication and foster work ethics with each other with compassion and tolerance. I know this for sure because of first hand experience and this is probably the chief reason why I have a personal preference of working for the family business and I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to do so.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Taking the Wheel of Your Child’s Life

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When a child learns and has the guts to disrespect his or her parents, majority of the blame goes to the parents themselves. It is the parents’ responsibility to draw clear lines of authority as early as possible because if they don’t, the sense of authority that they have over their child can easily be swayed.

When your child feels unsure about who is the boss of whom in the family, they will likely assume the role and engage in risky behaviors or become bossy and arrogant. When that happens, parents get angry and frustrated with their kids because there is no way of controlling their kids anymore.

If you hope to live in an environment where your child sees you as his best friend, it is perfectly understandable. Every parent wants their children to feel that they are a friend, not a foe. In a perfect world that could work, but in reality there is a fat chance that it will not.

Building a parent-child relationship under that setup is problematic because our society thinks of a friend as someone who does not pose judgments, a person who shares an egalitarian relationship with someone else. And that is the last thing that you want if you want your kids to respect you and value your opinion. It is not exactly your role to be a friend, but it is your role to make judgments and decisions even when your children does not approve of them. You have to be the one who’s in charge, not the other way around.

However, being the boss does not mean controlling your kids, in black and white. It just means that you have to let your kids be aware of their limitations as kids and to introduce them to certain restrictions as well as the consequences of their every action. Being the boss means temporarily steering the wheel of your child’s life until he is equipped enough to do it on his own.

Show your kids the things that they are allowed and not allowed to do while still young. So that when they reach the adolescent age, it will not be as hard for you both. You see, it is during this time of rage and rebellion that kids will want you out of their lives and take control. But you can avoid that setup if you have already established the role of being the one in charge.

Being in-charge means keeping an open mind and a wider understanding of things. If your child commits a mistake, correct him. Even if that means calling the police yourself when he gets into trouble with the law. Although that will be perhaps the most difficult thing any parent can do, you need to have the courage and the power to do what is right for your child no matter what.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Teaching Your Kids Honesty through Consequences

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When it comes to disciplining children, parents are usually faced with the dilemma of teaching their kids two important values: honesty and the importance of consequences.

Say for example you found out that your child broke the pots in your neighbor’s garden on purpose and for no apparent reason. Although your child confessed what he did, still you want to implement some punishment. What should you do then in order to administer consequences for this unacceptable behavior without discouraging your child to be honest or tell something like this in the future? Of course, the last thing that you want is to punish your child for telling the truth.

Actually, if this situation is handled the right way, it offers an opportunity to teach both lessons in a way that your child will surely remember until he grows old. Given the situation, the reward that you can give for your child’s honesty may be a little intangible, however it will be important in the long run. You should tell your child, with sincerity and warmth, that you are happy that he told you the truth about what happened and that you recognize the fact that it was indeed an act of courage.

You can tell him, “It makes me easier to trust you when you are brave enough to tell me the truth even when it is something very difficult to do.”

You have to acknowledge that the fact your child told you about that he did indicates that he knows he did something wrong. Let him know that by telling him, “I know you know that what you did was a bad thing to do, and I believe that you will not do it again.”

In order to let your child learn from what happened, you need to involve him in deciding what he should do to make amends with the neighbors. You can ask him, “What do you think should happen now?” Or you can tell him a simple thing like, “If someone broke your most favorite toy, what would you want them to do?” With proper guidance, your child will arrive at the realization that he needs to apologize and needs to replace what he broke.

You might need to use your own money to replace what he destroyed, but you should make it clear to him that he needs to figure something out in order to pay you back what you spent. Work out a plan – you can maybe agree that a portion of his allowance goes to a special container, or that you will give him extra household chores to earn additional money.

With clear and logical consequences, there is no need for angry lectures and spanking. Most importantly, your child will learn a memorable lesson about honesty and proper behavior in the process.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Why It Is Important for Parents to Know Their Values

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It is impossible for someone not to believe in a particular set of ideas. Even thieves, believe in something that make them do what they do. No matter how you look at it, believing in a certain set of values will make our lives more peaceful and put everything in order. If you want to teach your kids certain values, you first learn to identify your own.

It is important that parents have their own sets of belief in life. If a father knows the very things that he feels important, then he will be able to look at himself objectively. In the process, he will also be able to understand the things around him and understand the way his kids sees him. Aside from that, he will also be able to improve his self-esteem and self-confidence because he will see the world in a different light.

When you know the things that are most important for you, then you will become a more focused parent and individual. You will be able to shape your expectations and be aware of the expectations that your kids have for you as well. On top of that, you will also be able to handle life’s challenges a lot better if you know what your values are.

You have to understand that there are values that go against each other. Although you will be able to know better, kids will not. If you do not explain these values clearly to your children, they might take on a wrong notion and uphold a distorted set of beliefs.

Of course, you would not want that to happen. When you classify your values in a simple and more understandable way, your kids will be able to understand it better. If you are unsure about the values that are most important for you, simply evaluate your environment.

Take a good look around you, think about the people you like and look at their best qualities. Write these down and take note of their values. If you believe in the same thing, you can take them as yours and add them to your own list of values.

It is also important that you know what each ideal stands for. You can look at the dictionary for a more accurate definition, or you can make a definition of your own. This is not just a good exercise, you will also be able to revisit your own set of values in the process.

Arrange your values according from the most important to the least important. So that when your child asks which is particular principle should come first, you will know how to answer them clearly and properly.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

What Parents Should Know Learn And Avoid: The Victim Stance

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What’s funny about child-related household problems is that you will always find two characters in the scenario: a victim and a person getting blamed by the victim. The irony in these scenarios is that those who usually play the victim are the actual culprits while those getting blamed for the problem in the first place are usually the true victims.

Playing the part of the innocent victim is what most kids grow fond of when they are in trouble. Obnoxious and abusive children usually show this type of bad characteristic or practice just so they could justify their wrong doings. This situation is what most parenting coaches and child therapists would like to dub as The Victim Stance.

The victim stance is definitely not a desirable thing and parents should be aware of that. It is bad because children who are bad, obnoxious and abusive can take that as an opportunity to induce and further promote the bad behavior. Children always see themselves as victims in any situation which is a main problem that causes things like the victim stance in kids. And as victims, they will always be ready to support their claim by providing sad stories.

These sad stories will always include the person getting blamed for the problem. When kids feel inadequate about the situation, they stick to their sad story and blame somebody else. For children with bad, obnoxious and abusive behavior, it is much easier for them to just point the finger at somebody else than to take responsibility for whatever happened that caused the problem.

Children with bad, obnoxious and abusive behavior want to avoid responsibilities and this is why they put up with the victim stance and just blame other people. They learn that if they will stick with their story long enough, eventually they wonít be held accountable. This type of situation must be stopped and you, as a parent, can do something about it. You need to tell your child that he/she is not a victim and that they should be responsible for their actions.

Children with bad, obnoxious and abusive behavior actually have two stories to tell: the sad story and the behavior story. The sad story is the part that tries to explain or puts forward ideas about what happened to the child. On the other hand, the behavior story explains what this child did to other people or what the child did to property. Parents need to focus on the behavior story and not on the sad story.

A victim will think that he/she reserves the right to victimize others because of what happened to him/her. Children with obnoxious and abusive behaviors who start acting like they were any real victim would use this and abuse it. Parents, this mentality is not tolerable and should be suppressed immediately because allowing it to happen give these children the chance to manipulate the situation to their advantage. Telling sad stories while leaving or omitting the behavior stories should keep parents alerted. Focusing on the sad stories along will give these children the right to hurt other people.

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