No parent will feel surprised when their child avoids responsibility as much as they can. Every time a child does something wrong, 9 out of 10 children admit their mistake on the spot. The usual scenario is that a child points at someone else or makes up a silly excuse such as the classic, “My dog ate my homework.”

However, a child may admit that he is wrong but with a slight problem. “Yes, I did it but…” is that line familiar to you? Kids may acknowledge that they did something wrong, but with an excuse at the end. “I’m sorry, but you did it first.” “I’m sorry, but it’s mine.” “I’m sorry, but you asked for it.” “I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

When your child tells you these things, he is actually apologizing with a condition – “I’m sorry but it is not really my fault.” You have to be very careful not to let your child form the habit of making excuses for his actions. When your kid does not learn to own up to his mistakes, he is not learning how to take responsibility for his behavior. When he fails to learn to take responsibility, no matter what you do, he will not be able to change and correct his behavior.

Children learn to make excuses when parents ask them, “Why did you do it?” That question begs for an explanation, and in a child’s mind, his main goal is to avoid any punishment and blame. So when you ask your child a reason why he punched his sister in the face, thinking of a way out from the possible consequences or your disapproval becomes the automatic response.

When your child finds out that making up an excuse for his mistake actually gets him out of trouble, he will try to use that weapon over and over. It starts with a harmless excuse at a young age, but begins to escalate into bigger excuses as they grow older in order to avoid being held accountable for their misdemeanor. But without accountability, genuine change in behavior is hard to achieve.

When your child tells you, “I’m sorry I punched her, but she pinched me first”, challenge his thinking on the spot. Saying sorry is a good thing, but is meaningless when followed by an excuse. When your child makes up excuses, do not try to disvalue his excuse. Instead, correct his act of making an excuse.

So when your son tells you his sister broke his toy first that is why he kicked her doll, tell him, “Regardless if your sister broke your toy, it is not an excuse for kicking his doll.” Explain to him that making any excuse for his actions will not erase his mistake and will not save him from the consequences of his action.

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Our children spend at least half of their lives living with us, watching our every move every day. We might not be aware of it, but as they grow our children also absorbs the things that make us tick, both in good and bad ways. Kids are very adaptive of their environment, so do not be surprised to hear your daughter answer back with the most overwhelming argument.
Perhaps it is inherent to all parents to try and control their emotions, even bite their tongue as much as they can. However,
some parents can only hold their temper for so long and release a sleeping monster within. If you are one of the many parents who struggle so hard with keeping their emotions as manageable as possible, you might find this read interesting and helpful.

Losing your temper easily translates into shouting at your kids, calling them names, slamming things on the counter, increasing the consequences beyond necessary, and depriving them of their basic needs such as dinners to serve as a punishment.

Tension happens between parent and child almost every day, about almost everything – from getting dressed, finishing their potatoes, not sticking with the rules, to being verbally disrespectful. As children become teenagers, the problems escalate into issues concerning socializing, behavior outside the house, helping with household chores, and dishonesty.

The ultimate reason why parents get easily mad when their kids do not follow what they say is that they get trapped in power struggles with their kids. When you allow yourself to be eaten by power struggle, regardless of your child’s age, your emotions will be harder to control and you will find it more difficult to get out of the struggle.

Come to think of it – if losing temper was an effective parenting strategy, all parents in the world would be problem-free. All we have to do is to wait until our child gets into our nerves, yell at him for a while, and he goes out of the house a changed kid.

Losing your temper and taking things personally does not work. It is ineffective because the root of the problem gets lost in the heat of the argument, and it is left unsolved after all energy has been used for yelling and screaming. When you get angry, instead of learning the essential problem solving skill, your child gets nothing but power thrusts from you.

Think of it this way: if your child misbehaves and all you do is get a bigger hammer to correct his mistake, your child will grow and become a bigger nail. Understand that learning how to solve problems and control emotions is what your child needs to get out of childhood. If you do not teach him that, who will?

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Saying that you are sorry for a mistake that was made comes easy for some; and for others it’s really hard. Not just for kids, mind you, but this is also true for adults. But let’s talk about your children.

Young children often worry about being punished, which is why they will sometimes try to pass the fault to somebody else. They may also lie, or come up with excuses for their actions. They have a difficult time owning up to their faults. When they have no choice because they were caught doing “bad behavior” they immediately become defensive and try to blame someone else. They think that by doing this, they’ll somehow get away with it. Teenagers, more so than younger kids, just don’t want to be told what to do. They hate being caught in the act of bad behavior, and they really hate it when you confront them.

I remember when I was a teenager and I almost failed a subject in school. My teacher sent a letter to my parents and, well, my parents hit the ceiling. I remember being scared and angry at the same time because I was not even given a chance to explain myself. But the truth was that, there was nothing to explain. I almost failed because I got lazy and didn’t do the things I needed to do. So, while my mom was flying into a rage, I was also starting to boil with anger. I began making up excuses for the outcome I was facing. I blamed my teacher for not knowing how to teach and just about anything I could think of. It didn’t work, of course, but I was just so angry at my mom.

Teenagers don’t know how to channel their anger well. So when confronted with a mistake the wrong way, they tend to get defensive, followed by getting angry. They usually don’t admit their mistake and even more rarely do they apologize with sincerity. Have you ever heard your child say “I’m sorry I hit my baby brother but he started it”? This is a child apologizing because he knows you expect it of him, but not because he truly believes it was his fault. There are also cases when your child tries to blame you for what has happened. When you notice this, you might try to explain to him that it wasn’t your fault. This would create a never-ending debate, and you’ll quickly forget what the original issue was. By the time you establish the fact that it wasn’t your fault, you would be too exhausted to go back to the real issue and your child gets away with it…again.

Here’s the big secret with respect to apologies … I’m being partially sarcastic here because the “secret” is pretty obvious once you think about it. Instead of trying to get your child to apologize first, focus on having him admit that he made a mistake. Do this without judging him, because you want him to feel safe making this admission.

When he has accepted his mistake, genuinely, it’s a lot easier to get a sincere apology. Often your child will apologize on his own (without you asking), after he first accepts his mistake. This is no easy task and it requires a lot of patience from you but you will be grateful you did this for you and for your child.

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Do you remember a long time ago when you first held your child after he was born? You then started to imagine how what child would grow up to be. You imagined him saying his first words, taking his first steps, going to school and so on. You believed your child was an angel, and completely perfect. Unconsciously, you set a standard for that child and you expect those standards to be met. As the years passed, every time your child misbehaved, you just thought of it as a “normal” thing that a child does. You probably did your best to solve the problem, and went on your merry way thinking that you’d dealt with it. Maybe you didn’t notice the problem grow into something bigger, nor did you realize that different parenting skills were required.

It is time to wake up and face the truth. Your child has behavior problems that need to be handled firmly and immediately.

I know that many parents have a hard time accepting that their kids have behavior problems. They would rather make excuses as to why their kids act this way or that way. You may have heard yourself saying to a friend or relative, “Johnny is just going through a phase and it is very difficult for him right now” or, “He is coping with being a teenager and he will eventually come around”. I have personally heard these words slip out of the mouthes of many parents. Rejecting the notion that your child’s behavior is unacceptable is not going to help your child. On the contrary, it will only make matters worse.

Remember that children are programmed to manipulate their parents. You probably notice this when your child was young. Back then, you thought it was cute and charming ang that it was a sign of intelligence. If you let it get out of hand as they grow older, you’ll need a lot of Tylenol for your headaches. This might be what you are going through right now. Are you being manipulated into thinking that there is someone else to blame for their actions.

Remember – nobody is holding a gun to your child’s head making them behave in an unacceptable way. But you tend to believe your child in the hopes that the problem will go away in due time. The problem is not time – it is your child’s behavior.

It isn’t his friend’s fault if he comes home drunk. It isn’t the child next door that forced him to start using drugs, or join a gang. You are not a failure because your child hasn’t turned out the way you wanted – and you can ALWAYS change things for the better starting today.

Accepting all these may not come easy, but acknowledging that your child may have deviated from social norms is a good start. All those dreams and hopes you once had for child doesn’t need to fade away. With the right parenting skills, your child can still become that great person you envisioned him to be.

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