Archive for 'parenting teenagers'

Anger Management versus Trigger Management

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We often hear from parents say they are in dire need of anger management therapy. James Lehman, a renowned child specialist, cringes at the idea behind anger management. According to him, anger cannot be managed. It is the trigger of this anger that you must know how to manage.

The same principle applies among children. In fact, when you say trigger management in children. It doesn’t mean anger alone. It applies to all forms of overwhelming emotions such as fear or anxiety, loss, separation, and others that children simply don’t have skills to manage.

In this sense, they need the help and support of their parents. One best thing that parents can do for their kids who are frequently suffering from the consequences of these uncontrolled emotions is to prevent it from happening. That is why parents must keep their children away from the triggers or the stimuli of these strong, negative emotions. The first thing to do is observe and figure out what these triggers are.

The concept of trigger management in fact refers to management of your thoughts. Our feelings are often triggered by our thoughts. It is also the thoughts that maintain the anger that it created itself. You can try it yourself. When you are feeling intense anger, try to think of a happy thought and it will actually lessen your anger and make you more relaxed in the end.

In children’s case, it may be doubly hard for them to control, release or cope in any way with their thoughts and the feelings they bring. They have not learned the skills to do this yet. That is where parents must help and support them all throughout.

So the first thing that parents can do to help children cope with their unfounded fears, anxiety, or anger may be is to let them understand why they shouldn’t have to be afraid, or sad or angry over certain matters that they shouldn’t be concerned about in the first place. The parents should be able to help their kids manage their thoughts to get rid of the unwanted triggers.

Parents can also opt to divert the attention of their child into something pleasing to appease his intense emotions. When this is done in repetition, the child will learn this on his own and this is such a valuable coping skill to possess.

James Lehman said that he accepts cases of anger (trigger) management still although he gets to help parents understand that it’s not the anger they are trying to get rid of but the triggers of this anger. They need techniques they can use on their kids for them to grow up being well-balanced, peace-loving, and responsible adults.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Look for the Alternative Options in Dealing with Your Kids

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A parent can only help his child behave well if he knows the right approach. There is such a thing as an alternative response when the child starts to misbehave. The usual reaction of a parent would be to yell and to talk to the child offensively.

A parent needs to have the tools, the right way to talk, the right tone and be able to use the right words for his child in the aim of making him realize his misdeed and to be careful not to do it again.

In this manner, the parent is making the child accountable for his actions and his behavior. Through an alternative way of responding to the child’s misbehavior the parent is aiming for a different response as well from the child. Aiming and doing what’s not common entails the use of methodology, formal talk, and formal manner of resolving the child’s problem.

It’s all about thinking out of the box and doing what something different for the child to help him in problem solving, training him how to do it until such time he can be left to fend for himself.

The purpose behind going for the alternative perception of the child is that you want to come up with solutions that are different. Parents can’t simply accept what seems to be usual answers from their children. Nor do parents want ideas and thoughts that have been used for years now but every parent knows they don’t work.

Remember that a child who feels he is responsible for his own actions would tend to be careful of his actions. This way he would be able to experience as well getting the rewards and punishments that come with every goal set for him to achieve.

Parents must look beyond the real issues when their children start to act out in public or when they decide not to do their home work. One alternative approach for this situation is making your child work on the kitchen table where you can watch him do his assignment.

This is a good alternative compared to not letting him go to the mall with you this weekend which he may even appreciate more. There are alternative means to resolve issues with your child. Make use of that all the time.

Here are some tips about obedient child that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

The Effects of Divorce on Children’s Behavior

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Couples who live a happy and successful life may not have behavioral problems with their children. While they are still together, the children look up to them as their role models. If they display good behavior and show nice attitude, it is expected that the children will have these too. Display of negative attitudes can be easily absorbed by the children.

Couples who experience marital problems naturally experience fights and disagreements, and if done in front of the children, can leave a very negative impression on them. The more disagreements they display, the more stressful the lives of the kids will be. And if the condition worsens and leads to divorce, the more the children’s behavior will be affected.

Children usually look up to their parents as models. They can have impressions on their parents but the moment they split ways, confusion may set in. This can lead them to make conclusions as to who is good or bad. Because of these confusions, more problems may come in like who he will be more loyal to the mother or father.

Parents need to understand that if they go into divorce, the children’s needs and welfare should be of foremost importance. Parenting in this situation needs display of civility. Children will get more confused if there is misunderstanding between the parents. Their disliking each other doesn’t give them the right to neglect the children. Taking care of the needs of the children may alleviate the stressful situation experienced by the kids.

Children from divorced parents are more likely to experience difficulties in school, their relationships with classmates and teachers, especially if they no longer feel love at home. These children will have low self-esteem, low self-worth and may easily get into trouble with people around. Their behavior will be very difficult to understand by people around them and they are more confused. Children from divorced parents have more probability of getting depressed because of the unpleasant situation they are in.

Good parenting skills are needed and should be learned by both parents to help their kids to have normal lives. Compassion and understanding are essential in parenting since the kids are more likely to be aggressive, and hateful towards his perceived bad parent.

For parents who go into divorce, they have to understand that children can be irritating and may display disobedience for months or years after the divorce. The stress that they experience can lead them to these negative behaviors.

It can be interesting to note also that not all children from divorce will display bad behavior. But it can be safe to conclude that more kids from divorce will display bad behavior and the parent’s role is needed in situations like these.

Here are some tips about children who are obedient that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about problem children.

Don’t Make Everything Look Awful

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Part of a child’s development is perhaps every parent’s desire to make him or her as well-rounded and productive as possible so that when the time should come for him or her to be independent, everything will be alright. This very state is what also motivates us to inculcate into our kids the true essence of living positively.

To live with positivity is to live with hope – that in all things there will always be a side that is good and bright. This does not mean that the “not so good” side is disregarded but it actually means that the better way to live is to notice the better rather than the worse.

As adults we should understand that this is the better option so if we have kids we should also make it a point to make them see and understand this. It is sometimes difficult indeed to carry on a smile when things around you look “blurry” and feel heavy but if we have kids around who depend on positive nurturing, there can be no better way than to look past the “awful”.

It is not a tough thing to understand that when you rear your kids in a way that they see and feel awful about a lot of things, they DO end up growing up full of angst in life. This makes them unproductive and maybe even angry at a lot of things – as you may see from some adults who may have been exposed to this kind of outlook while growing up.

Why would you rather see your child always sad, angry and insecure when you can have him or her always happy, optimistic and self-assured? They could achieve more in childhood and all throughout adulthood one day when they are on the brighter side. So, instead of saying “life is awful”, say that “life is hopeful”.

You can always get a good help from “appreciation”. Learn to appreciate and praise things that come into your life and your kid will understand and learn to also adopt this kind of disposition. Make him understand that appreciation of even the littlest things in his life could go a long way.

Motivating your kids that he could go further in life could be achieved through frequent re-enforcement that he is special and is loved. His confidence mainly depends on his feeling of being accepted and belongingness – never forget this. So if you want your kid to achieve more, tell him HE CAN.

As they say, “practice what you preach”. Remember that the best way to teach your kids to turn away from regarding life and things to be “awful” is by doing so yourself! The moment that kids see you living with praise rather than a curse, they are most likely to do the same.

Here are some tips about child with obedient attitude that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

What to Do When Kids Are Making Excuses or Minimizing Their Mistakes

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In the most part of being a kid, kids hardly know which is actually good and acceptable and which is not. And if adults or parents are not keen on this one, kids may be led to believe that some things are actually okay even when they are not.

Whether we like it or not, our kids will pass through the stage of learning how to make excuses for their every action. This is in a way like trying to convince even their own selves that what they do is okay and should therefore be accepted by those around them. Therefore, even if they slightly know that they have done something wrong, they might rationalize and justify it to avoid either corrections or punishment and for some parents, this is the stage when it is most tough to take.

You would surely be surprised – frantic even – when one day you discover your kid doing something wrong in school but standing firmly on his belief that what he or she did is excusable and acceptable. However, don’t forget that your kid is not alone in going through such phase as most kids actually do.

Parental intervention and adult supervision is a “must” in this concern. It is not wise to punish your kid outright especially if he or she is “clueless” about the error of his or her action. Upon the initial discovery of your kid’s “making excuses” and “minimizing their mistakes” it is our obligation as adults who know best to talk it through with your kid in private.

In your private conversation, it is important that you stress the “wrong” in trying to make excuses or trying to make his mistake appear minimal when in fact it is. Make your kid understand the gravity of his action and wrongful belief by telling him to try and put his self in the other side of the table. He could realize his mistake if you show your kid “what if what you did happened to you too”.

Never burst in anger in public. Whatever can be said calmly and by yourselves should be done so for your kid not to be embarrassed. Most often putting your kid in an embarrassing situation could belittle his self-esteem and make him turn away from you.

Remember that it is best to tell your kid that what he did or is doing is not good and should therefore be corrected. This would make him see clearly which things are morally acceptable and which are not – with how he regard himself, you and other people.

Finally, the key to understanding your kid and imposing discipline is to put yourself in his shoes – ever innocent and less knowing than you as an adult and confront his every action with lots of love and patience.

Is camp for brats beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem children.

The Risks of Faulty Thinking

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A lot of factors affect the relationship between a parent and a child negatively and one of them is faulty thinking. Based on current psychological updates, there at the least seven types of faulty thinking that may have a direct effect of a child-parent relationship. They are: personalizing, hypodermic focus, rule deflation, emotionalizing, mind reading, assuming, and all-or-nothing thinking.

When you see a kid who is very timid, the attitude is either inborn or the product of a problematic household and the child at so many points was subjected to faulty thinking and it eventually led to really long moments of silence. Hence, there are kids who retreat to silence after becoming victims of erroneous assumptions, mind reading, and/or personalizing.

Silence comes after continuous failure of attempts to make fruitful conversations. And because of the silence, they become more misunderstood by other people, and they feel less confident and eventually become bottled up and its just a matter of time before they implode, or worse, explode.

In certain families where the parents are always deemed as eternally correct, there is a huge tendency that children will grow resentful and drive their anger towards other objects in the absence of the parents. Destructive behavior targeting toys, furniture, and other objects that cannot fight back is what the child normally exhibits. It does not normally manifest at home when everyone is around but he may turn to be a bully in school.

Racism or any other form of different types of discrimination such as gender and age based types are the worst types of escalations of stereotyping, another form of faulty thinking. And this form of faulty thinking may start unwittingly at home instigated by overprotective misled parents.

Children who grow old and manifest stereotyping behavior were most likely the product of close minded parents who have segregated views on the society that we currently live in. Typecasting old people as senile, cheerleaders as flirts, et cetera, all these are thought supplied at home and the nearby environment.

The teenage life of a person and the way the parents treat that stage in a child’s life is always a crucial and a very pivotal stage where social behavior is cultured and developed, and the outcome is generally is a creation of the immediate surroundings and the people around them who have influence over them, the parents. Even though schools and friends contribute to the progression of faulty thinking in a person, parents are the people most of the children look up to.

Other kids may be influenced by what they see on the television and learn in school and start to challenge the inappropriate line of thinking propagated by the parents, yet some stay blind and continue to patronize the wrong principles of faulty thinking.

Is camp for spoiled brats beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem child.

All About Emotionalizing

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Emotions sometimes play a vital role in a decision making process. A person may make an irrational decision especially if he has a negative attitude and is hot tempered. But what will happen as a consequence may not bring in good results. When emotional intensity takes over rational decision making, your brain may not work anymore because you shut it completely. You let your feelings influence your decision making capability.

Anger and stress usually turn out as negative emotions. These negative emotions can affect a person’s decision making capabilities. The result would be an irrational and not so sensible decision.

What a person can do is control the intensity of these emotions. He can then slowly convert these negative emotions into positive ones. By having the ability to cool down, relax and absorb everything around you, you can then have time to do some intellectual analysis. You’ll have time to think and plan on what the sensible decision to make.

Your ability to recognize and manage emotions can be a good coping mechanism in handling these negative emotions. Using humor and the ability to connect with other people’s emotions through non-verbal communications can easily bring you towards attaining positive attitude. These can lead you to give a more logical analysis on things before making the decision-making.

Getting emotions override your logical functions may not give you good decision results. A good example would be if you are interviewing an applicant for a certain position in your company. Don’t get emotions overrule your intellectual rationalization. If you have gut feelings that this applicant cannot be your brilliant employee because of his appearance or the way he conducts himself in your presence – you might be wrong.

Perceptions may not give you a good decision result. You may see an applicant and perceive him to be successful because of the way he talks – you may find out later that he is lazy. You have to base your selection on what his qualifications are, and how the selection process really turns out. Your decision must not be based on emotions or just your gut feelings.

Emotions can really get in the way of your decision making process if you let it override your logical way of analyzing things. Remember that emotions use only your heart and how you feel for a particular thing. Your brain was not given the opportunity to weigh the facts in order for a logical decision to be made.

A person may have a high ego and not readily accept that he can make a wrong decision. His line of thinking would be that his giving the decision was the more logical decision that can be made. What people should remember is that the brain is way over his heart. Therefore, it commands the better logic than his feelings.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Parenting Teens

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The latest post on our website discusses the challenges of parenting teens. This article will help convince you that there is a way around the problem of difficult teens. It also takes care to mention several important facts that parents should never forget when dealing with teenagers, and which can prove useful in improving relations at home. In addition to reading the article, we also suggest you try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. This at-home child behavior change program can be yours for free if you fill out feedback survey.

Defiant Kids

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Please take some time to read the latest post on our website. This article on defiant kids will explore angles that may be causing children to defy authority at home. If you have been seeking answers to your kid’s defiant behavior, this latest article of ours might just be able to provide you with some. More techniques in dealing with defiance can be learned from Total Transformation – the at home child behavior change program by Dr. James Lehman. You can get the program for free if you fill out a survey form.

Taking the Wheel of Your Child’s Life

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When a child learns and has the guts to disrespect his or her parents, majority of the blame goes to the parents themselves. It is the parents’ responsibility to draw clear lines of authority as early as possible because if they don’t, the sense of authority that they have over their child can easily be swayed.

When your child feels unsure about who is the boss of whom in the family, they will likely assume the role and engage in risky behaviors or become bossy and arrogant. When that happens, parents get angry and frustrated with their kids because there is no way of controlling their kids anymore.

If you hope to live in an environment where your child sees you as his best friend, it is perfectly understandable. Every parent wants their children to feel that they are a friend, not a foe. In a perfect world that could work, but in reality there is a fat chance that it will not.

Building a parent-child relationship under that setup is problematic because our society thinks of a friend as someone who does not pose judgments, a person who shares an egalitarian relationship with someone else. And that is the last thing that you want if you want your kids to respect you and value your opinion. It is not exactly your role to be a friend, but it is your role to make judgments and decisions even when your children does not approve of them. You have to be the one who’s in charge, not the other way around.

However, being the boss does not mean controlling your kids, in black and white. It just means that you have to let your kids be aware of their limitations as kids and to introduce them to certain restrictions as well as the consequences of their every action. Being the boss means temporarily steering the wheel of your child’s life until he is equipped enough to do it on his own.

Show your kids the things that they are allowed and not allowed to do while still young. So that when they reach the adolescent age, it will not be as hard for you both. You see, it is during this time of rage and rebellion that kids will want you out of their lives and take control. But you can avoid that setup if you have already established the role of being the one in charge.

Being in-charge means keeping an open mind and a wider understanding of things. If your child commits a mistake, correct him. Even if that means calling the police yourself when he gets into trouble with the law. Although that will be perhaps the most difficult thing any parent can do, you need to have the courage and the power to do what is right for your child no matter what.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

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