Archive for 'Parenting Tips'

Parenting Teens

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The latest post on our website discusses the challenges of parenting teens. This article will help convince you that there is a way around the problem of difficult teens. It also takes care to mention several important facts that parents should never forget when dealing with teenagers, and which can prove useful in improving relations at home. In addition to reading the article, we also suggest you try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. This at-home child behavior change program can be yours for free if you fill out feedback survey.

Teaching Kids to say “Sorry” and Mean it

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Saying that you are sorry for a mistake that was made comes easy for some; and for others it’s really hard. Not just for kids, mind you, but this is also true for adults. But let’s talk about your children.

Young children often worry about being punished, which is why they will sometimes try to pass the fault to somebody else. They may also lie, or come up with excuses for their actions. They have a difficult time owning up to their faults. When they have no choice because they were caught doing “bad behavior” they immediately become defensive and try to blame someone else. They think that by doing this, they’ll somehow get away with it. Teenagers, more so than younger kids, just don’t want to be told what to do. They hate being caught in the act of bad behavior, and they really hate it when you confront them.

I remember when I was a teenager and I almost failed a subject in school. My teacher sent a letter to my parents and, well, my parents hit the ceiling. I remember being scared and angry at the same time because I was not even given a chance to explain myself. But the truth was that, there was nothing to explain. I almost failed because I got lazy and didn’t do the things I needed to do. So, while my mom was flying into a rage, I was also starting to boil with anger. I began making up excuses for the outcome I was facing. I blamed my teacher for not knowing how to teach and just about anything I could think of. It didn’t work, of course, but I was just so angry at my mom.

Teenagers don’t know how to channel their anger well. So when confronted with a mistake the wrong way, they tend to get defensive, followed by getting angry. They usually don’t admit their mistake and even more rarely do they apologize with sincerity. Have you ever heard your child say “I’m sorry I hit my baby brother but he started it”? This is a child apologizing because he knows you expect it of him, but not because he truly believes it was his fault. There are also cases when your child tries to blame you for what has happened. When you notice this, you might try to explain to him that it wasn’t your fault. This would create a never-ending debate, and you’ll quickly forget what the original issue was. By the time you establish the fact that it wasn’t your fault, you would be too exhausted to go back to the real issue and your child gets away with it…again.

Here’s the big secret with respect to apologies … I’m being partially sarcastic here because the “secret” is pretty obvious once you think about it. Instead of trying to get your child to apologize first, focus on having him admit that he made a mistake. Do this without judging him, because you want him to feel safe making this admission.

When he has accepted his mistake, genuinely, it’s a lot easier to get a sincere apology. Often your child will apologize on his own (without you asking), after he first accepts his mistake. This is no easy task and it requires a lot of patience from you but you will be grateful you did this for you and for your child.

Dealing with child misbehavior can sometimes take a toll on us. I have found a program that teaches you tons of amazing tools to help you deal with your child effectively. Get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

Should you Blame Yourself for your Child’s Misbehavior?

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In most cases, when a child misbehaves, the parents don’t usually think that they are to blame. If you are dealing with child misbehavior perhaps you just consider it to be a stage of your child’s development. However, when misbehavior happens too often and it has become a problem, parents start thinking, “Where did I go wrong? I should have done something differently.”

If you are blaming yourself for your child’s misbehavior, you’re wasting time on something that isn’t going to help solve your problem. Simply ask yourself if you have done, to the best of your ability and knowledge, the best job that you could do (at the time). I’m not asking you if you did a perfect job, just if you did your best at that moment in time. Next, ask yourself if you intentionally hurt your child either physically or emotionally. If the answer is “yes”, you have some self-control issues to work out. But otherwise, your intentions were healthy. Perhaps you simply need better tools to develop more effective results.

Blaming yourself for behavior problems is not going to help. It’s far more effective to spend your time learning new tools.

As a parent, you cannot live your child’s life, and you can’t make your child live his life according to your desires. It’s not your life. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink You can give your child everything he needs to be ready to face life’s challenges, but it’s still up to him to make use of what has been provided.

You are there to guide and not dominate. Your child should learn how to make decisions as he grows older and learn that those decisions come with consequences. Make sure your child deeply understands that you are always there for him, and will always support him. But when he gets knocked down, he has to stand up on his own. Teach your child to face consequences honorably and be ready to make up for his mistakes. Shielding your child from the harsh realities of life can only harm him in the long run.

Instead of blaming yourself for your child’s misbehavior, it’s better to understand that your child needs to take ownership for his own actions. Teach this understanding to your child – gently, without yelling. You are a teacher, not a prison guard. I’m not saying to become a softy … because you still need to enforce consequences … but there’s no value in losing your temper while you are explaining a logical consequence to your child.

Should I Excuse My Child’s Misbehavior if he has a Disorder?

Children with disorders like ADHD shouldn’t get a free pass to misbehave. You may have to be more patient with your child but that is the extent of it. ADHD kids still understand behavioral rules and need to learn to solve their own problems while behaving in an acceptable manner. Blaming the “disorder” is not going to do you any good.

The best thing you can do, as a parent, is to learn. Continuing education is critical to your success. It never ends. What you can do is learn better parenting skills that can improve your child’s behavior. Some parents think they are failures in parenting. What they do not know is that you only needs the right tools, and a healthy level of desire, to be a great parent.

Dealing with child misbehavior can sometimes be so tiring. I have found a program that teaches you how to solve the major problems with ease. Get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

Be a Parent to your Kids

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Parents in this generation tend to want to be best pals with their kids. Do you fall into this trap? It’s easy to want your child to feel comfortable with you just like he would be with a friend. So you tell your child, “Hey! we’re friends, right? You can tell me anything”. Then, maybe you ran into a situation where your child screwed up. He did something “bad”, and you go switching roles on him, suddenly being the parent. In a flash, you start reacting differently than a friend would. Maybe you get mad, or maybe you just start offering guidance. Whatever you do, your child may feel betrayed because a “friend” wouldn’t act in that way. Friends don’t give each other such a hard time for poor behavior.

Now imagine having been through the scenario described above. Think about the next time you sit down with your child hoping that he’ll open up to you as he would to a friend. It won’t happen. He’ll keep things from you and you’ll be in the dark. It would be more effective to build an open and trusting relationship with your child as a parent, not as a friend.

Here’s another thing to consider: If you have a defiant child, being “friends” will make it difficult for you to overcome this. It may even make it worse. Children who are defiant would think it’s fine for them not to follow rules anymore. After all, you are friends, right? Friends understand each other and make excuses for each other. Your kid will tell you, “I’m not coming home for dinner, and I’ll out all night” (on a school night, no less). You’ll ask “why”, and get a casual answer about a party that’s happening somewhere.

When you finally have to have a talk to explain that such behavior is not OK, your child will feel betrayed. This will give him another reason to be defiant. He’ll blame you for the emotional stress that he is going through. He’ll blame you for bad grades, and all sorts of other problems. These are defiant children we are talking about. These are not normal teenagers who can listen to reason and actually BE reasonable.

Of course you can be close to your child and talk about things, but never expect that you can be tight buddies. Your children don’t need more friends. When they are in school, they have many friends. Your kids know how to make friends; even the shy kids have friends. So don’t try to become just another friend to them.

On the other hand, they only have one set of parents. YOU. So why not just take that role seriously and just be a parent? You can have fun together, talk, go on trips; but as parent and child. Your kids need guidance more than anything and you are the ones that are given that responsibility. Take it and do well in it. Your children won’t have another set of parents if you fail.

Parenting means learning constantly. Don’t hesitate to learn new skills and apply them if you think that it will make your child a better person.

Dealing with defiant children can sometimes take a toll on us. I have found a program that aims at helping you deal with your child effectively. Get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.