Archive for 'Parenting'

Teach Your Kids to Get Away from the Triggers of Negative Emotions

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The best way for you to help your kids avoid any negative thoughts is to evade the triggers. That’s how significant it is for parents to get to know what these triggers are. Most often these are very observable and often only require common sense to figure out.

It’s as simple as when you are not bringing with you any cash, you better not swing by the candy store since this may trigger a huge problem with your kid. If your kid finds his brother annoying then he must not be seated beside his brother during TV and dinner time. This is also true when you let your child sit beside a school bully.

However, the ultimate goal of any parent would be to teach their kids how to figure out and eventually be able to avoid triggers in the end. This is particularly true because parents are not with their kids all the time. Kids must be able to handle themselves well when they are on their own.

In time, when kids are able to do this on their own with an automatic button, kids will finally feel and learn to accept that they indeed have a responsibility in figuring out triggers, avoiding them totally to keep away from anger.

There are times when a sugar spike brought about by a can of Pepsi can trigger a boost of energy and when it subsides, the child gets restless and gets angry eventually. So it’s the best thing for parents to do to help the child realize this so he would try to avoid drinking a whole bottle of Pepsi if he can’t handle its effects on him.

More often these kids are not aware that these triggers are for real and they happen. So the next time his mother tells him to go to bed at 9 PM as the father you ask the child what he feels or thinks about his mother. Most probably the child would retort that he is angry at his mother and he thinks that she only wants to get rid of him so she told him to sleep early.

Then you tell your child to start talking to himself in a different manner. Remember that this strategy can be used in every day situations. It could be in school, at home, or even in the community playground where he usually stays.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Why Kids Are So Angry Most of the Time

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Have you ever heard of the word negative self-thoughts? That is what most kids have. That is also the reason why you hear people often say adolescent angst. Children and even us adults often think of things in a negative way. That is why when children are being talked to by their parents on not sleeping late, they often talk back and shout to their parents. Their line of thought goes like this: “Dad and mom hate me. They don’t want me to enjoy my favorite show at night.”

One of the goals that parents have for their parenting technique is to help their kids have a more positive way of thinking, be that for self-thoughts or as regards everything and everyone around them.

One way to understand this idea that our thoughts create our anger is to understand that people think in words. When we are thirsty for instance, we think of the words “I’m thirsty.” We simply don’t think of a mouth sipping on a glass of cold water.

This is also the same thoughts we have when we talk to ourselves. We often indulge in self-talk. That is the same with kids. Your kids may be at school sitting and looking attentive to the teacher but she is not in fact listening at all. Instead what she’s thinking about is the chat she’s going to have with her three best friends. Or she might be thinking about “Should I have the Mickey Mouse costume or the Fairy Godmother for Halloween?”

Yes, it is indeed true that we adults and kids talk to ourselves most of the time. But kids are often thinking in a way that makes themselves angrier. That’s what parents have to help their kids correct.

Most of the time, it all starts from simple thought of “This isn’t fair.” Then this blows up into something bigger like “They aren’t fair. How come they aren’t fair to me? What can I do to let them realize that it isn’t fair?” and so on and so forth…

One way of thinking that parents must teach their kids in order for them to have more positive thought is to say, “This is not worth it” or “I am not going to do this cause this would make my dad angry and it’s not worth it.”

This is significant since what the kids often think is not “It’s not worth it” but that “It serves him right.” And what happens is that in the end when they suffer the consequences they do think “It’s not worth it.”

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Parents Must Set a Status Level with Their Kids

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One thing that parents can do to make things clear with their kid is to set up a status level. It’s simple to do. Let’s say Status 1 is where the kid gets to enjoy all the privileges and he basically is able to do what he wants to do. Status 2 on the other hand is that level wherein the child is grounded and all the privileges are taken off him.

You can give it any name you want. The purpose of it is to make things clearer and more like a black a white set-up. So whenever the child misbehaves in school or at home, you can call him and directly say you are now Status B and you’ve lost your privileges. You are going to stay there until such time you decide to follow the rule.

Any parent may think it’s next to impossible to be able to set this up with your kid. Parents can actually verbalize things ideas like this for as long as they approach their child in the right manner. Timing is key to any parenting strategy.

Usually the child is more responsive and receptive when he is happy and during good times. So when he is all smiles while holding his favorite ice cream right in your living room, you can call him and tell him, “You know what, Tommy, am really happy whenever you are in the right side of things, when you’re happy and enjoying all your privileges. I really want you to stay on that level for as you can. Why don’t we make it a rule between the two of us? Let’s call it Status 1 when you are enjoying all the privileges and Status 2 when you are grounded and you don’t get to enjoy any privileges at all.

It’s just like that and there’s a 101% chance that the child will listen to you and agree with you; that is all because you said it to him when he is happy and feeling light.

So what happens here is when you ask your child to talk to you after he did something in school or after he flunked out of Algebra and he simple refuses to do so you tell him, “Tommy, until such time you are going to come to me and talk to me about what happened, you are still in Status 2.”

One thing that you have to be sure about is that once your child comes to you and tells you about what happened you switch him back to Status 1 wherein he is back to enjoying all his privileges.

You have to remember when you do this that you are not to forcing him to do it and that you are doing this for his own benefit and that you are merely convincing him or supporting him to stay within the family boundaries and the good side of things.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

The Right Time to Teach Children the Right Behavior

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Parents often suffer one major problem when teaching their child discipline and right behavior. When they have everything all planned, down to the list of strategies they can suggest to their child, the child simply refuses to sit down and talk to them.

There’s one factor that makes them do this: stress. Children are smart. They know when they are about to be confronted about something they did in school. Most often, they can get clues from the parent’s tone of voice and his facial expression. That’s why parents must think of a way to get their ideas through the child thoroughly.

The rule of thumb here is “Don’t talk to your child when he is shouting or when he is agitated.” In this instance, his mind is not open. He is stressed and most probably, he can’t take in any idea from anybody.

Timing is the key to everything. Start the conversation with your child during good times, meaning when he is happy, during ice cream time, while you are popping corn for a late night TV show. Then comes the “hypodermic affection” technique. This is done by telling the child the good deeds he has done first then attach a task that he’s going to accomplish.

The parent can say nonchalantly, “You did a great job there, Tommy, about going home early after school. You keep on doing that and you’re on your way to earning that weekend trip to Yosemite with dad and me. Now let’s discuss about the way you talk to your sister.”

With these said, the child won’t feel that he is being reprimanded or that he is being talked into doing something. And because he is feeling light, relaxed and happy at this time, all the ideas that are discussed with mom or dad are easy to settle in.

What must parents do then if the child is restless and stressed? Aside from giving him space, you give him a real time-out. A time-out is a time for him to go to some place that’s neutral and quiet where he can calm down, collect his thoughts, and let the agitation simmer down.

Parents must then wait for the right moment when the child becomes his old self again, when he is light and gay. That is the right time when you can engage your child in a light banter and inject the tasks you set for him without him feeling it.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as dealing with ODD disorder. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Teach Your Child How to Make Amends and Face Consequences

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The last step to a disciplinary process is for the parent to teach the child how to face the consequences of his actions and formulate ways of making amends. Doing so is tantamount to giving the child some sort of accountability, which is a good training strategy for him to learn coping skills.

As a parent you tell your child, “What is it you plan to do to make amends with your brother after you kicked his butt yesterday?” What are you going to do with your sister after you picked on her at school?”

Let the child devise a way for him to do this. When he finds it difficult to do so, then pave the way for him by somehow verbalizing his thoughts.

Your child may opt to clean his sister’s room as a way of making amends. He may also suggest to wash the dishes as his way of making amends to his brother.

You may also lead the child on for him to do something to make amends by saying, “Why don’t you get your sister’s slipper when she gets home and give it to her?” Or you could also tell him, “I think it’s a good idea that when your brother gets home, you ask him if he needs a fresh pair of PJ’s. Then get one and give it to him.”

This way, as a parent, you are helping your child come up with different means to make amends. But in the end, remember that it is he himself who must decide what to do.

There’s just one thing any parent must not do in this instance and that is to be satisfied with “saying sorry,” as if it’s some kind of making amends.

Sorry is merely an apology. Making amends is doing something to clean up the mess. It is an opportunity for the child to right the wrong, which happens to be the purpose of doing so.

Another long term effect of learning how to make amends is for the child to learn how to be accountable over a certain matter and how to handle responsibilities given to him.

Essentially, as parents, supervision is something that must not be thrown out the window. Watch out when your child said he wants to make amends by doing a certain act. Be sure that the child lives up to his word and that it’s not an easier-than-done matter.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem child.

Declare Your Rule To Your Child in Black and White

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There’s no point in identifying, confronting, and challenging the triggers if you are not going to declare your rule about it. One thing to remember when you declare your rule is to keep ti simple with no emotions involved, simply in black and white.

A parent can say to the child, “Don’t talk to me that way because I told you not to be verbally abusive to your sister. I won’t let you talk to me that way.” Or you could say, “Don’t turn your back on me just because you don’t want to hear what I’m going to tell you.”

You can also say to your child, “If you think that I’m being unfair doesn’t mean you can call me names.” Or you can tell him straight to his face, “Just because you think that your sister is not being nice to you, you can steal from her. This behavior is not right and it’s not acceptable at all. If you want to communicate with me don’t talk to me that way.”

In this case what you are doing is telling your child that he doesn’t have any alternative but to do what you suggest him to do. It’s all in black and white. It’s your way of saying that he would suffer from the consequences of what he has done. It’s your way of making him realize that he would not have certain privileges until such time he takes into account and practice all the alternative behaviors for making him behave well.

This is what responsible love and concern is all about. When a parent does this with his child, he must state it in a matter of fact way without any emotions involved. He should be doing it in the kitchen table in a one-on-one setting. It’s very business-like, very serious, and matter of factly, which will make him realize that you are not intent on making him do the alternative behavior.

You as a parent must also let him understand that there are two things that he should bear in mind always when it comes to his behavior and these are: 1) what are its effects to others or 2) if it solves the problem at all.

It’s your responsibility to tell your child that it’s not a good behavior if it hurts other people or if it doesn’t solve the problem.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about problem child.

The Child Must Challenge and Confront His Own Perceptions

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The ultimate reason why the parent must challenge the wrong behavior of the child is for the child to challenge his own perceptions in the end. That’s why it’s not enough that the parent would let the child understand that what the child has is the wrong perception of what happened. He also has to confront the triggers and challenge them.

An example of how to do it would be to tell your child, “The rules seem to change when I said no to you when you asked me to drive you to your friend’s house last Friday.” It could also be in this way, “The rule of not stealing no longer applies when I told you to study on the kitchen table instead of your room.”

That’s the vital part about identifying the triggers of your child’s behavior. You simply have to find them out in order for you to challenge them. Basically, you challenge the triggers through putting your ideas into words. It’s the parent’s way of saying that rules should not change because you feel bad about me telling you no. The about not being verbally abusive to your siblings stays there even if I don’t let you play your video game on a Monday night.

More often a child would say, “Well, I shouted to Helen because she was not being nice to me.” Or he might say, “I don’t like math and doing the home work makes me sleepy all the time.”

What the parent must do is to challenge it by saying, “So just because you find it hard to stay up while doing your math home work, the rule about doing your home work changes?” Kids don’t have answers to statements like this. Another statement that kids are fond of making when they misbehave is that they say because you made me angry.

The parent would have to confront the issue then by saying, “Because you’re angry at me doesn’t make it okay for you to call me bad names.” And if your kid tries to evade the matter by saying for example, “That’s crazy,” then you tell him then you are not ready for this confrontation.

You as a parent must then make your child realize that this is supposed to be an honest conversation between you and him and that both of you must be committed to it. Then you must make him realize that he won’t be able to have the privileges back until such time he realized that the rules are set and that he should follow it.

The child must realize that whenever he does something unacceptable, there are consequences to it and the privileges will not be given back to him until such time he does the alternative behavior.

Katherine Thompson writes about topics such as how to deal with ODD kids. Learn how to be a more effective parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Essential Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents

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In a divorce, the kids experience emotional and situational problems. It is not just the pain of losing their parents that they have to face. These kids also have to face questions like, “What am I going to say if mom talks about dad?” “How am I going to behave around Dad now that mom is not around?” “How often would I see mom?”

People often think that children act out because of the pain. Children in fact act out because they cannot solve the emotional and situational problems that beset them. They are merely children and they need to be cared for, instead of being confused on how they are going to take care of their parents.

The main role of a parent is to let the children realize that they still have to face and solve life’s problems, despite the divorce. It’s their responsibility to help them to understand that it is normal to feel the pain but after some time you would have to pull yourselves up together and get on with life.

That is why a child has to have an anchor parent. He needs someone who would continue with the parenting, somebody who is in control. In a divorce, kids would think that their parents are out of control. They need someone who would tell them “I know things are not okay now. But I will make it okay. I will take care of you and help you deal with it. I do not care much what your dad will tell you but with me, this is how it is going on to being.”

When this happens the parent is telling his child that good things can fall apart but we have to pick up the pieces and move on with life. This will give the child the comfort knowing that someone knows what’s going on here and someone is in control. This can help him to move on and continue with what has to be done.

It is like saying, “Okay now there’s divorce, but I still have to cook your dinner and take care of you and you still have to work on your homework.”

Encourage your kids to talk to you openly about their feelings and their thoughts about the situation because that is the only way that they will feel better. With all the confusion and questions in their heads, it is you that they need the most. Children get confused when their parents divorce, so prepare to answer their questions.

Letting your kids understand and accept a reality like divorce is an ongoing process. Always let your child feel that you still love them and care for them and that you will always be there for them despite the separation.

Here are some tips about child with obedient attitude that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about problem children.

Faulty Thinking in Children – What Parents Should Do

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When people hear faulty thinking, a frown in the face is the common reaction. However, what most people fail to realize is that faulty thinking is very common in both parents and children. But even when faulty thinking is something that occurs in a lot of individuals, it does not meant that it should be tolerated.

A common example where parents commit faulty thinking is when they try to make up excuses to make their child’s behavior more socially acceptable. It is also a sign of faulty thinking when parents start to blame the “flawed” school policy when their child gets caught breaking certain school rules. It is faulty thinking when parents believe that it is the teacher’s incompetence that made her child fail the Math exam.

Faulty thinking is not a solution to any problem, especially when it concerns children. That is why it is very important for parents to know when their child is relying on faulty thinking so that behavior problems will be properly addressed.

Kids who always indulge in faulty thinking often get into trouble, which often leads to parent frustration. Faulty thinking or sometimes called stinky thinking often leads to ugly results. One common example of stinky thinking is when a parent tries to talk to her child but tends to focus on something else.

A parent reprimanding her child about not staying out so late on weekends but insists that her son looks her in the eyes when she is talking to her is one perfect example. When a parents insist that her child does this or does that while in the middle of an important conversation, there is a huge chance for the message to be missed.

Emphasizing something else during a conversation will only bring your off topic, which makes you vulnerable to losing your chain of thought. In fact, it will even distract you into forgetting what you wanted to say or what your child is in trouble for to begin with. You need to stay on topic every time you talk to your child, especially when it concerns misbehavior.

Kids will always be kids, and they are and will never be little adults. Because they are young, they would easily make hasty generalizations of things. Be careful into these tricky generalizations and do not let it distract you from what you are supposed to say.

When you understand your child’s faulty thinking, you will be able to solidify the communication lines that you and your child shares. Aside from that, you will also be more effective in showing your child which is right and which is wrong behavior. Just because a child thinks it is okay, does not necessarily mean that it is. And your child needs your help to see that.

Here are some tips about obedient children that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

Why Faulty Thinking can be Dangerous to your Kid

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Faulty thinking is common in people with ego problems. This is a false way of thinking of over confidence people brought about by the influences of everybody around them. This form of environment could be their friends, relatives, peers, teachers and almost everybody surrounding them. Influences could also be based on beliefs, religion, and others that may affect people’s behavior.

The problem with faulty thinking is non-acceptance that they may be wrong in the first place. When commented on what they are doing, they make all kinds of excuses and all forms of reasons to justify their actions. These types of people are always on the defensive mode because of non-acceptance in the first place.

Problems like these are also common in kids. Kids who think that they can get what they want, even when they did it in a violent manner, have faulty thinking. They might think that they were right in the first place, because they got the result they wanted. Things like these can be dangerous to your kid.

But an analysis and thorough thinking should be done also with yourself or the whole elders in the family. Could it be also that you have this kind of behavior? You may also be doing this and your kids just picked up the pieces. You may also be in a “no acceptance mode” thinking that you are always right and that you can never be wrong.

If you have this kind of behavior, it would be very hard to recognize if a problem also exists with your kid. Having faulty thinking, you will always have the tendency to believe you know more than you really know. You would always assume that you are right and acceptance of doing any wrongdoing is not in your vocabulary.

Since this kind of behavior comes from heavy influences your environment, it would be best to talk with your spouse and ask for an honest opinion if you have this kind of faulty thinking. You can look back also from your childhood and your upbringing.

Acceptance is the most important thing in handling this situation. You can also ask for guidance from counselors and other professionals if the problem is severe. Remember that it may bring havoc to your family, and the most important thing is what it can do to your kid.

But if you are not in this situation, your kid’s problem may not be hard to handle. You can do it easily, but don’t expect instant results. The most important thing is you do it early, and you need the help of everybody in the family. Faulty thinking in kids can be overcome because they are still young and can still be molded to display good behavior and think the right way.

Here are some tips about obedient kids that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about problem children.

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