Archive for 'Parenting'

children_stealingOne of the problems that some parents encounter, and have a hard time talking about, is what to do when your child steals. You probably often see that your child turns up with things that don’t belong to him. Your instinctive reaction is to chastise him so as to nip his career as a petty thief. It is a fact that parents cannot administer adult standards of discipline, self-control and morality to the actions of young children.

Young children from one to three years sometimes do take things that are not theirs, but stealing is not their intention. They are too young to understand the idea of possession and that something could belong solely to someone. They are still developing the idea of ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ so when they see a thing that interests them, they feel it’s all right to take it.

On the other hand, when children from six to adolescence steal, they are absolutely aware that what they are doing is totally wrong. By this time, their awareness has broadened. Thus, when children at this age take something that is not theirs, they act secretive and sneaky. They will most definitely hide the object they have stolen and then deny taking it when asked. It is quite easy to absolve a younger kid for taking what doesn’t belong to him because he is not aware of what he is doing. However, parents faced with children that are old enough to differentiate right from wrong are confounded by this ‘criminal’ behavior.

Oftentimes parents are astonished because they realize that the thing their child ‘stole’, is something that he already owns. Therefore, the stealing is odd. Where is this coming from? Sadness could be one reason. Maybe the child feels the need to be closer to his parents or has a hard time making friends. In that case, by stealing money he could try to buy the approval of his peers or satisfy his need for attention and affection in this complicated way. Feelings of fear, resentment, and jealousy can also be the root of stealing. There are many reasons why a child steals and ways to handle the problem.

Dealing with Children Stealing

You should walk a fine line between disciplining and humiliating your child. Making a big issue and treating your child like he is the worst criminal will not help at all. It will only frighten him. If you are absolutely certain that your child stole something, you must let your child know you are aware of this act. You should insist that he return it to the owner and that he must apologize. It is not necessary to embarrass the child, but at the same time you must make it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and should not be repeated.

If stealing persists, it could be because of other problem behaviors. You need to rectify the problem immediately. If stealing is chronic, you can consult a child psychologist or have your child undergo counseling. One program that worked for me is The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

adhdSo, your child has been diagnosed with ADHD. What now? Don’t panic! You might want to know a little bit first about the causes of ADHD. Once you understand what causes this, you will always have a grasp of what it really is and how to go about dealing with it.

One cause is thought to be genetic, meaning it is inherited from the parents. A child with ADHD, who may carry a specific version of a particular gene, has thin brain tissue in the parts of the brain that is associated with attention. Research has shown that the condition is not permanent and may develop as the child grows older.

A second factor that may cause ADHD is the environment. It is said that exposure to tobacco and alcohol at an early age causes this type of disorder. If the mother had complications or an infection during pregnancy, it could have contributed to the condition. Brain injury when the child was young is yet another factor. A definite factor associated with ADHD is a child’s diet. Ingesting artificial food coloring and chemicals such as sodium benzoate have been linked to hyperactivity.

Now that the causes have been identified, let’s move on to what you can do to help your child.

It is as a given fact that you follow your doctor’s advice. But there are also other ways of helping your child when he is at home or at school. This requires a team effort and cooperation among members of the family, teachers and doctors. Being a parent to a child who has ADHD is not easy. In fact, it is very challenging. Your child will need more structure and a clear set of expectations. You will definitely have to change some of your ways in order to help your child. Here are some suggestions:

1. Create a routine. Give him specific times for his activities like eating, playing, naps, homework and sleeping. Communicate this schedule with your child, if he is old enough. If you make changes to his schedule, you need to let him know and explain why these changes are happening so as not to upset him.

2. House Rules should be simple and clear. I can’t stress enough the importance of explanation; even minute details should be explained; Importantly, communicate the consequences of breaking the rules.

3. Be certain that your child understands directions. Find ways on how to get his attention without upsetting him. Directions should be short but concise. Ask your child to repeat instructions so you can tell that he understands.

4. Reward good behavior. Praise your child when he has done something good.

5. Children with ADHD should be supervised at all times because they are inherently impulsive.

6. Choose a good spot where he can do his homework without distractions (such as the TV). Encourage your child to take breaks from homework also. You’re not a slave driver.

7. Do not fall into the trap of focusing only on your child’s grades in school. Focus on his learning and improvement.

8. Request for a progress update from your child’s teachers.

Some children show progress from counseling or structured therapy. Others may progress from talking with a specialist on how to manage ADHD and other learning disorders. I have found a program called The Total Transformation by James Lehman. I highly recommend this to parents.

Children_with_Bipolar_DisorderChildren, especially adolescents, have mood swings and this is considered normal as they are growing up. However, if these so called mood swings affect or interfere with a child’s everyday life, something else could be causing this and should be given attention immediately. Bipolar disorder could be the reason. Anyone can have bipolar disorder, even teens and kids. Bipolar disorder or manic depression, is a mood disorder characterized by severe changes in mood, great increase of energy and erratic change of behavior.

You will notice that your child’s behavior during his ups or happy times, and his down or sad times is different from other children’s. Early signs or symptoms can be noticed when the child is at an early age but the disorder totally emerges during teenage years or adolescence. Many young people with this disorder try to hurt themselves or commit suicide. The effect of bipolar is not the same with every child and treatment differ greatly.

A child that is manic may:

a. show extreme mood swings, show happiness or silliness in an unusual way
b. think that he is indestructible and unrealistic
c. have very high energy level and can go on for days without sleeping
d. talk non-stop, change topics too often and can’t be interrupted because their thoughts are racing
e. do things that are risky or dangerous

A child that is depressive may:

a. show irritability and sadness too often and cry for no apparent reason
b. always think that he is in pain (stomach pains or heartaches)
c. sleep very little
d. lose interest in activities that he once enjoyed
e. show significant weight loss
f. think of ending his own life

Thanks to research, the ability to diagnose bipolar disorder in children and teens has improved. However, it is still a complex process and it requires observation for a period of time. It is better that a child is diagnosed at an early age.

Bipolar disorder can be treated. If your child is showing these symptoms, you should take him to a mental health professional and have him evaluated. Your child will have to go through different kinds of tests so he can be given the necessary treatment. You, as a parent should educate yourself about bipolar disorder so that you will understand exactly what your child is going through.

Bipolar disorder can be treated in two ways. One is through medication. Not all children with this disorder are given the same medication. Each child responds to medication differently. Next is through therapy. Therapy can help your child with his behavior and help him get along with other members of the family.

The basic thing that you can do for your child is to be patient, especially when he has his episodes of mood swings. Encourage your child to communicate with you. Have fun together and explain why the treatment you are giving him is necessary.

Please get your own copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman. This is a program that can help you with your child’s behavior.

Angry_TeensEverybody gets mad at one point or another. You come home tired from work and you see that your house is a mess, you get mad. Your husband sees a scratch on his car, he turns red with anger. Never expect your teenager not to be angry about anything. He is human after all and, like us, he is also susceptible to this emotion. This is considered to be normal. This is how your subconscious mind releases emotional and mental pressure. However, not being able to control anger is not normal.

This could be the case in most teenagers. They let their anger get the best of them. They shout, curse, throw things or slam doors. If they turn their anger inwards, they become very depressed. In some cases, these teens turn violent. It could be directed to another person or to themselves. It is important that you help your teen manage his anger. This way he will also feel that you care enough and love him enough.

Bear in mind that teenagers have a lot of emotional issues at this age. There’s the issue of identity, then separation and let’s not forget relationships. Parent and child relationship also changes as the child grows older and becomes more independent.

All this can be confusing and frustrating for your child and therefore it leads to anger. If you don’t know how to react or respond to your child, the situation can get worse. You are not supposed to suppress your child’s anger, just help him control it.

Identify what triggers his anger. When your teenager has calmed down, talk to him in a way that won’t make him angry again. Ask him what happened. Why did he get angry? Dig deeper because the cause of his anger at that moment may not be the cause of his anger in general. Help him identify what the real issue is.

Know the underlying feelings in your teen. Ask him why it made him so mad when his friend was late or when he was clumsy earlier in the day. This will reveal the root of the emotion. Fear, loneliness, and or shame are emotions that need to be addressed as soon as possible, before it gets out of hand.

When you have identified what the problem is, ask your child how he can do this differently the next time it happens or what he can do to prevent it from happening at all. Make him realize that he has the power to prevent those kinds of things from happening. Do this with a gentle tone. Sometimes, without intending to or unknowingly, your voice sounds accusing or you sound like you are blaming your teen for the situation. Teens will react negatively to this. Believe me, I have done that.

As a doting parent, you want to give your teen the tools that could aid him in having a better future filled with love and happiness. Making the effort to help your teen is also helping yourself. If your teen reaches adulthood without dealing with his issues, there is a chance that he won’t be successful and you know that this will hurt you more.

For more advice on managing your angry teen, I recommend that you get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

What-is-ADHDADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a common disorder that develops during childhood and could continue through adolescence. It is a neuro-behavioral developmental disorder that impairs your child’s ability to function in different settings like school, home and even relationships with other children. The good news is that if given proper treatment, children with this disorder can manage their symptoms.

What are the signs of ADHD?

A child who is inattentive shows the following symptoms:

a. Easily distracted, and often goes from one activity to another.
b. Has difficulty focusing or finds it hard to keep his attention on a single task.
c. Has difficulty learning new things.
d. Has a hard time focusing on his homework if he has lost a possession that he needs to get it done (e.g., pencils, erasers).
e. Doesn’t seem to listen when talking to him.
f. Usually confused.
g. Has a hard time processing information.
h. Cannot follow instructions as easily as other children.

A child who is hyperactive shows the following symptoms:

a. Cannot sit still in school or when eating at home.
b. Talks incessantly.
c. Runs around touching anything he wants to.
d. Doesn’t do tasks quietly.
e. Can’t wait for his turn.
f. Interrupts others.

A child who is impulsive shows the following symptoms:

a. Impatient
b. Gives disrespectful comments, shows emotions without control and doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions..
c. Can’t wait for his turn when playing, or can’t wait to have what he wants.

How can ADHD be diagnosed?

There are times when parents mistake normal factors for ADHD. These symptoms usually manifest early on in your child’s life. They are difficult for parents to diagnose because each child has different symptoms. When you have seen or observed the symptoms mentioned above, you should seek professional help. This may include using the services of child psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioral pediatricians, behavioral neurologists.

I have found an at-home study program that I highly recommend for parents of problem children. It’s full of useful strategies for parents. Grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman who is a Behavioral Therapist. It will really help you and your child.

hitting_kidsSpare the rod, spoil the kid. Do you agree? Is hitting a form of discipline or is this just what you do when you lose your temper with your child? What does discipline mean? If I look it up on a dictionary it says that discipline is a form of training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. How can hitting your child achieve all that?

Imagine this scenario. You have a headstrong daughter who always wants to get what she wants. You’ve lost your temper and raised your voice at her. There were times when you came home from work tired, had to prepare dinner and clean up after that. Your child would bug you about many things or she wouldn’t do as she was told. You had little patience. Perhaps you almost started spanking her, but got control of yourself before you did. You saw the fear in her eyes and that was enough to make you stop. You asked yourself, “Would I have done the same thing if I was in a better mood? Would I even be angry at her if she did the same thing and I was well rested?” The answer was, of course, no.

You might ask, “Wouldn’t you discipline your child by spanking if she was a problem child?” I think the correct answer is NO. There are many ways to discipline your children without resorting to violence. Aside from the fact that such violence is not acceptable, this act will just most probably be answered with violence too.

Here are reasons why you shouldn’t hit your kids:

1. Your child will feel humiliated and embarrassed. Children do have feelings.
2. Hitting does not show that you respect your child.
3. By example, you are teaching your child that violence is acceptable when resolving a problem.
4. You will eventually suffer for this because the psychological effect on your child may be long-term. This can cause animosity between the both of you.

Doesn’t it hurt you to see that you, his own parent, are causing him pain? It is not the easiest job in the world, I agree, but do you actually think that inflicting pain on your child is the answer to the problem? Stress, lack of sleep, financial worries and arguing with your spouse are not good reasons for hitting a child.

Here are steps that you can do to avoid hitting your child.

1. Know what ticks you off. Find out what causes you to lose your temper. If you have identified this and you are faced with the situation, you can warn yourself before you lose control.
2. Walk away if you are about to hit the ceiling. Come back to the situation in a couple of minutes.
3. Tell a friend or a relative close to you. Sharing your problems with other parents can help unload all that you feel. They could give you advice on parenting that you haven’t tried out before.
4. Think things through. Instead of hitting your child, think about how you would feel after. How would you face your child and explain to him why you had to do that when all you can see the fear and anger in his eyes?
5. Loosen up. Find time to relax, laugh and have fun with your kid.
6. If you have depression, then you must seek help immediately.

I have found an at-home study program that I highly recommend. It’s full of useful strategies for parents. Grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

rebellious-teensChildren do grow up. They turn into teenagers and form their own opinions, make their own decisions and sometimes they become rebellious. What turns these sweet kids into these angry, hateful and sometimes violent teenagers? This is the age where your children become “little adults” and they should be handled with care. You should deal with them like they are fragile beings. One wrong move and they shatter like glass.

What should you do when you are faced with this situation? First, let me tell you what you should avoid when you have a rebellious teenager in your hands. You should never get in the habit of screaming at your child. We all raise our voice sometimes, but don’t make it a habit. If you do, your child will simply stop listening, see you as “the crazy one” and resent you.

Sarcasm never made anybody feel good about themselves, so avoid this totally. It will only hurt your child.

You might have images in your mind about about hitting your child. When you have run out of patience this might cross your mind. You think to yourself, “maybe if I smack him he’ll change his ways”. Wrong! Resorting to violence is never the answer in solving problems. If you want to develop a loving relationship with your child, don’t take actions that completely destroy this possibility.

This next one is a real classic. Never compare your child to another teenager or to yourself when you were a teenager. Times have changed and the way things were when you were young are not the same in this day and age. We’re smarter now. We know better. Your child wouldn’t care nor listen about such comparisons. This will only irritate him more.

There are many ways to handle a rebellious teenager. Why don’t you start with sitting down with him and talk, just the two of you like two adults. Discuss the problem with him and give him lots of chances to do the talking. Become a good listener. Ask insightful questions. If the conversation is about something such as use of drugs, be supportive while explain your concerns rather than simply barking orders along with the reason “because I say so”. Lay down the rules, stick to the rules, and explain the consequences of breaking them. Make sure your child understands that the consequences are in his control because he can choose to follow rules or to break them. Give your child a reason to choose to follow them. Let your child know that you are proud of him when he has done something good. Last but not the least; communicate.

If all else fails, I highly recommend that you get your own copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman. This program will teach you parenting skills that will help you a lot in dealing with your rebellious teenager.

parenting-teensLike most parents, I don’t want my child to grow up too fast. As parents, we’ve all has gone through the adolescent stage and for many, being a teenager wasn’t a walk in the park. Contrary to what most people believe, there is not a more awkward stage in life than being a teenager. Do you remember when you just had to fit in? You wanted certain groups of teenagers to accept you, so you always aimed to please. Then, there’s peer pressure. You didn’t want your friends to think you were not “cool” enough so you did the things they told you to do even though your gut was telling you to just walk away. What about the bullies? Most teenagers are “lucky” enough that they get to be bullied by bigger or stronger kids. Oh, let’s not forget the pressure your parents were putting on you to do well in school. The nagging, and getting angry with you for, what seemed at the time, like no good reason. All of these factors affect your child in ways you can’t imagine. This is how normal kids turns into a troubled teens.

You have been told that experience is the best teacher. Then you grew up, found work, perhaps got married, and had children. Going back in time might to being a teenager again might seem like a dream to you. But you may have forgotten about the negatives. Look back and remember. You’ll be surprised and, I’m sure, amused.

So, how can parents deal with troubled teens?

You have to keep in mind that what was going on in your time still exists in the here and now, more so I think. You also need to keep in mind that you are not your children. They are unique individuals who respond differently to various situations. You cannot expect them to act like you nor think like you do because they are not you.

As a parent, you should be aware of what is going on with your teenager’s life. Communicate. What better way to understand him than to talk to him? I know you are tired from work. You have a hectic schedule and so you just leave your child to care for himself because he is old enough. It doesn’t work that way. Your child needs you and you should touch base with him often. Communicate in a way that you both express what is on your minds and not just what is on yours. Make him form his own opinion of things and if differences arise, compare what is similar. Some teenagers, however, don’t want their parents hovering over them every minute. That is so “not cool”. This doesn’t mean that you should do as they ask. Watch over them but don’t overwhelm them with your presence. Guide them but avoid being a dictator. Treat your child with respect and he will show the same to you.

Be funny. Some teenagers take in advice better when it is given with humor. Crack a joke to break the ice. It’s more fun that way. Try to know what areas your teen is good at and give him positive comments. Honestly, many people cannot take in criticisms easily. How much more a teenager?

Unfortunately, there are things that you just cannot control, like, who your children meet in school or outside the school. All the more reason why you should spend more quality time with them.

If you want to learn more about Parenting Troubled teens, I recommend that you look intoThe Total Transformation by James Lehman. He is Bahavioral Therapist and you might want to learn a thing or two from him about parenting troubled teens.

Tough-loveParenthood is probably one of the most paradoxical jobs. Oftentimes parents blame themselves for their child turning out not exactly the way they envisioned the child to be. Parents blame themselves when the child becomes an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gang member. What to do with this child? This is probably the worst parental nightmare. On the one hand there is the natural parental predisposition to be protective of, and pander to, every whim and caprice of the child. On the other hand there is the natural desire to reform the child and to see him grow up to be a responsible adult.

The parent who does care about the child, his welfare and his future, and who wants the child to be prepared to face the harsh realities of life, is sometimes constrained to practice tough love.

Tough love is a term used when one person treats another with seeming harshness but in reality does so with the good of that person in mind. There is an actual feeling of love and affection but this is blurred by the seeming merciless treatment that is being shown.

Tough love entails a degree of sacrifice on the part of the parent, especially on the part of the doting parent. It is not easy to be tough on one’s own child. Who wants to be tough on one’s child?

A parent’s natural instinct is be soft on the child. Much as he wants to be however, he also understands that he has to exercise a modicum of toughness if he is to be of any help to the problem child. He realizes that the only way to discipline the child and solve the problem is for the parent to be firm and unyielding in his discipline. This will at times require him to be harsh or even callous, something that is abhorrent to a parent. Most parents hate being strict to the point of being harsh with their children. But parents also realize that not exercising firmness will result in the child going merrily on with his malevolence, something which is just as, if not more, abhorrent to the parents.

There is then reason enough to exercise tough love on children. Parents must realize early on that under certain circumstances, there really is a need for them to be tough on the child to the point of being harsh and maybe even callous. This may not be appreciated by the child at the onset. In fact the child will in all probability hate it. But the parent must persist in the thought that it is the only way to act if he is to help the child. With perseverance and determination, tough love tempered with kindness and compassion will produce the desired result and end in the improvement in the child’s life. This will make him ready to face life and appreciate the good things that life brings.

behavior-problemsWhen can we say that a child’s behavior is becoming a problem? I, for one, understand this behavior not just because I’m a parent. I understand this because I was a child once and yes, my parents thought I was a problem child. Did this mean that I was a bad kid? Or probably, my parents just didn’t know how to “handle” me. Maybe, I didn’t meet my parents’ expectations of what a child should be.

A child’s behavior depends on his age, personality, physical and emotional development. As many of you may have noticed, you consider your child’s behavior as “bad” because your expectations are not met. I must confess that I have done this with my own child, forgetting that this is the very same thing that made me rebel against my own parents. As a parent, you should define what to expect from your child at certain ages. You can’t just tell them not to do something or stop doing a certain thing without them understanding why. You should not underestimate a child’s ability to comprehend. This is one mistake that parents often commit. Patience is the key.

Here are some Tips on How you can Cope with Child Behavior Problems

1. Give him time to play. Children will always be children. They will always want to play and telling them not to would only make matters worse. Imagine someone telling you that you can no longer do your favorite hobby. How would you feel?

2. Listen. Talk to him about his day or things that interest him. Just listen.

3. Let him know that he is loved. You can never say you love him enough. Let him feel that unconditional love that only a parent can give.

4. Encourage him to join a group. Ask him if he wants to go for sports and join a team, or, he can join a club where he could feel that he belongs.

5. Be consistent. It is better that you have only a few rules but enforce them consistently. This is very important. If a child feels that he can get away with some things because you allow him sometimes, believe me, he will do it again and again.

6. Give time-outs for misbehavior. Your child should realize that there are consequences to misbehavior, like there are rewards for being good. Time-outs should depend on your child’s age. A 10 minute time-out is recommended for most.

7. Never give physical punishment. Aside from the fact that you can go to jail for this, physical punishment could only result in abuse, resentment or anymosity.

8. Try new parenting skills. Ask your friends or relatives what parenting skill works for them and apply it so you will find out what works best for you.

9. Time. To cope with your child’s behavior problems, you need to give extra time and commitment. You need to get to know your child better so you would know the best way to deal with him.

10. Seek help. If you think that you are having serious child behavior problems, you should ask for professional help while your child is at an early age.

These tips have helped me a lot when I deal with my own child. You might also want to get a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman. He is a Bahavioral Therapist and you might want to learn a thing or two from him about dealing with child behavior problems.

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