Archive for 'Parenting'

Self-Delusion in Children

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While most parents and children know what is real and what is not, there are some who seems to be confused of their real identity. There are kids who make up this false identity of themselves in their minds and tend to think of it so often that it becomes their reality. This situation is called an honest self delusion.

Self delusion greatly affects one’s self esteem and it distorts the way one sees the world. Perhaps you have tried being referred as “delusional” by your friends when you try to over-think things and blow situations out of proportions – you either think so low of yourself or you think so highly of yourself.

Honest self delusions among adults are relatively “normal”, but in children it is a bit different. Children have a harder time differentiating what is real and what is not, especially when it involves morality. A kid who tends to hide his mom’s keys said when asked why, “I am hiding her keys because she was not being nice to me.”

The child thinks that hiding the keys is the moral consequence of what his mom did to him. Changing something based on moral beliefs is very hard, even in kids. Mere explaining or talking your child out of such twisted moral belief will not suffice. And even when you show evidence that him hiding your keys has no effect on your behavior, that belief still remains unmoved.

Sometimes a child’s self delusions are upsetting and sometimes they can be upsetting. However, you need to make sure that your child’s self delusions remain at a manageable level, or else there will be serious consequences. Letting your child continue these self delusions and not correcting their twisted beliefs will make things worse.

Self delusions can involve both good and bad things. Negative self delusions happen when your child begins to think that everyone hates him or that his friends think ill of him all the time while in school or that there are aliens waiting to kidnap him in the middle of his sleep.

Positive delusions on the other hand make a child feel good – your child will think that one day he will be president and he will declare no school for a month. Self delusions about negative things are called paranoia, while self delusions involving positive things are called grandiose.

Self delusions are common in kids; however you should not take it lightly. Self delusions can only be considered normal up to a certain point, and kids should be able to leave them in their childhood as they grow older. You need to make sure that this self delusion is discontinued by your children, or else they will live the rest of their life in fantasy.

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Why False Self-Perception Is Not Good for Your Kid

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A person’s self-perception can have a major influence in his interaction with other people. A kid with a perception of himself being the brightest student in his class may encounter more difficulties with his classmates. The other kids also have their own perceptions of themselves and also their individual perception of the kid who touted himself as being the brightest.

A problem may crop up if he is your kid, since this will bring him more attitudinal problems in later years. His false self-perception can give him the self-confidence of which he cannot distinguish later if it is accurate or not. It has already gotten into himself so deeply that he believes in its truthfulness.

Kids having this false self-perception should be corrected early in his life. His self-image which he has built around this self-perception has to be modified. The over confidence he have because of this self-image can be detrimental to him. And he might not know it because all the while he didn’t know that it was a negative perception.

Considering that your kid have already this confidence, he will not have any motivation to change. This part falls on the parents shoulders. It is their duty to explain the realities to the kids having false self-perception. And this process should be done slowly and soberly because the kid may react and have contradictory response.

Changing false self-perception should have been started from childhood. It would be very hard to change self-perception if they are already grown ups. The old adage that, a branch cannot be straightened when they are already grown trees, it applies in this case. Behaviors and attitudes can be molded more easily with children rather than grown ups.

Parents can also be good examples for the kids to follow, if they project positive perceptions of themselves. Parents projecting positive self-image can give more motivation for the kids to follow, rather than for parents with attitude problems and suffering from poor self-image.

It should be remembered that kid’s self-perception can be influenced more on the environment he experiences at home and also at school. Parent can be more influencing factor such that being role models should be the best thing to do.

Changing false self-perception in kids cannot be an easy thing to do if not assisted by all the help it needs. The help of peers, relatives, friends and more importantly, the parents, is needed to attain the objective of change in the kids’ self-perception.

Here are some tips about obedient child that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem children.

What to Do When Kids Get So Negative

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Kids often see things awfully. They tend to see things negatively. As parents then, it is our responsibility to correct this perspective. At the first instance when the kid shows negativity or starts to negate the situation, you simply have to address the attitude directly.

As an example, you can tell your child, “Don’t make things too awful for you. Things will soon work out well for you, you’ll see.” You can say we can do it one step at a time. Then you help her take the first step and tell him that the next step will even be a lot easier for him.

This is what is called the take one step at a time approach. That is why when things get rough for your kid, you should come up with some sort of list to follow. Then you share the list to your kid and show him what you are going to do first down to the last step.

Like what any parent must do, you should help your child decide or perform the first step. It’s like holding his hand when he was just starting to walk. Then you tell him that the second step will be much easier for him but you will still be watching over him in case he needs you.

Another thing that’s important is for you to put out a calm demeanor. This will also calm your kid’s nerves and allow him to think clearly. When they can sense your calmness they are more to respond to you. This is effective when you are giving instructions or giving him advice on what to do.

Remember that your kids often follow your example. So if you are the frantic type of parent when it comes to emergencies and even for some minor setbacks, you might want to change your mind-set or at least control yourself when you are with your child.

Being organized is also one thing that you need to cultivate in you as a parent. Being systematic at home and even in implementing your rules will surely be a great help for you. First thing, your kids will easily understand you. When they understand you clearly well, they will more likely follow you.

Being organized and systematic can also help in having a more sunny perspective. One reason for this is that it keeps your mind uncluttered and yourself less stressed.

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Don’t Make Everything Look Awful

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Part of a child’s development is perhaps every parent’s desire to make him or her as well-rounded and productive as possible so that when the time should come for him or her to be independent, everything will be alright. This very state is what also motivates us to inculcate into our kids the true essence of living positively.

To live with positivity is to live with hope – that in all things there will always be a side that is good and bright. This does not mean that the “not so good” side is disregarded but it actually means that the better way to live is to notice the better rather than the worse.

As adults we should understand that this is the better option so if we have kids we should also make it a point to make them see and understand this. It is sometimes difficult indeed to carry on a smile when things around you look “blurry” and feel heavy but if we have kids around who depend on positive nurturing, there can be no better way than to look past the “awful”.

It is not a tough thing to understand that when you rear your kids in a way that they see and feel awful about a lot of things, they DO end up growing up full of angst in life. This makes them unproductive and maybe even angry at a lot of things – as you may see from some adults who may have been exposed to this kind of outlook while growing up.

Why would you rather see your child always sad, angry and insecure when you can have him or her always happy, optimistic and self-assured? They could achieve more in childhood and all throughout adulthood one day when they are on the brighter side. So, instead of saying “life is awful”, say that “life is hopeful”.

You can always get a good help from “appreciation”. Learn to appreciate and praise things that come into your life and your kid will understand and learn to also adopt this kind of disposition. Make him understand that appreciation of even the littlest things in his life could go a long way.

Motivating your kids that he could go further in life could be achieved through frequent re-enforcement that he is special and is loved. His confidence mainly depends on his feeling of being accepted and belongingness – never forget this. So if you want your kid to achieve more, tell him HE CAN.

As they say, “practice what you preach”. Remember that the best way to teach your kids to turn away from regarding life and things to be “awful” is by doing so yourself! The moment that kids see you living with praise rather than a curse, they are most likely to do the same.

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Remind Kids the Effects of the Consequences Given to Them

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Kids are so find of minimizing the consequences as a way to justify their behavior. More often they would say, “Oh, I don’t care about that much. It doesn’t hurt that bad anyway.”

It’s the parents’ role to always remind the kids of the consequences and how it affected their kids the last time they experienced it. You can tell your kid, “The last time you kicked your classmate, you lost your Nintendo and it was so bad. Don’t you forget that. And now you are saying that you don’t care at all but you surely cared that much the last time.”

This is the parents’ way to remind the kid of the pain that the consequences can inflict on him as well as the true damage that the behavior can cause in the family and in school.

Be ready for distortions that your kid can create to cover up the pain of the consequences and to cover up the bad behavior. That is why distortions and make-believe may sometimes be the two main ways of escaping the consequences of bad behavior and they are also considered faulty thinking.

By reminding kids of the consequences, you are not only making it clear that they are being corrected with their mistakes but that you as a parent are also the authority in the household. It is your way of saying that your voice is must be heard by them and that your word is final.

Remember that kids have to look up to somebody who knows how to rule the household and who knows the right things to do. This persona of authority is a must-have figure for the kids to have the proper discipline and outlook in life. This authority figure will also serve as their guide in their decision making and to resolve problems they will encounter as they grow up.

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Avoid Trivializing Consequences

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One of the most important things that every parent should teach their kids is accepting responsibility for their own actions. Starting at a young age, every parent should start instilling the value of owning the consequences of one’s actions to their children. And of course, the best place to teach responsibility and values is at home.

In teaching your kids the concept of dealing with consequences of their actions, you should first let them understand what exactly responsibility is. Doing this prepares a child to enter adulthood under a responsible disposition, which consequently allows a child to become a successful part of the society. As parents, it is your job to guide your kids using positive means while making sure that you also set reasonable limits at the same time.

It is very important that you teach your kids how natural consequences can affect one’s life. For example, if your son will leave a spoon while heating food on the microwave, the natural consequence is that the appliance will explode and cause damage.

When something like this happens, you have to explain to your child that what he did was wrong not just because he was not following instructions but also because microwave ovens are expensive and you cannot afford to keep buying new appliances anytime you please.

You can teach your children the value of natural consequences using practical and real examples. Say you and your daughter has agreed to that she will feed the dog and she fails to do so, explain to her that it is not like the dog is really going to starve, but that she has to understand that the dog is her responsibility and she has to do her job.

But even when there are no natural consequences, still make it a point to explain to your children that there are certain things that they have to be responsible for because as they grow older and become adults, most of the time excuses are unacceptable – you have to do what you have to do. In other words, make your child understand that there will always be consequences for every action, and they better make sure it is a positive one.

Although placing a punishment on every action seems a good idea to emphasize the importance of natural consequences, there is a very huge chance that your child will get the wrong message – if you punish him for not doing something, he will likely repeat the action to piss you off.

One of the most effective ways to teach children to be responsible for their own actions is to not let them trivialize the consequences that follow. If you let your kids grow believing that it is “not that bad”, he will more likely take the concept of consequences lightly.

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What to Do When Kids Are Making Excuses or Minimizing Their Mistakes

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In the most part of being a kid, kids hardly know which is actually good and acceptable and which is not. And if adults or parents are not keen on this one, kids may be led to believe that some things are actually okay even when they are not.

Whether we like it or not, our kids will pass through the stage of learning how to make excuses for their every action. This is in a way like trying to convince even their own selves that what they do is okay and should therefore be accepted by those around them. Therefore, even if they slightly know that they have done something wrong, they might rationalize and justify it to avoid either corrections or punishment and for some parents, this is the stage when it is most tough to take.

You would surely be surprised – frantic even – when one day you discover your kid doing something wrong in school but standing firmly on his belief that what he or she did is excusable and acceptable. However, don’t forget that your kid is not alone in going through such phase as most kids actually do.

Parental intervention and adult supervision is a “must” in this concern. It is not wise to punish your kid outright especially if he or she is “clueless” about the error of his or her action. Upon the initial discovery of your kid’s “making excuses” and “minimizing their mistakes” it is our obligation as adults who know best to talk it through with your kid in private.

In your private conversation, it is important that you stress the “wrong” in trying to make excuses or trying to make his mistake appear minimal when in fact it is. Make your kid understand the gravity of his action and wrongful belief by telling him to try and put his self in the other side of the table. He could realize his mistake if you show your kid “what if what you did happened to you too”.

Never burst in anger in public. Whatever can be said calmly and by yourselves should be done so for your kid not to be embarrassed. Most often putting your kid in an embarrassing situation could belittle his self-esteem and make him turn away from you.

Remember that it is best to tell your kid that what he did or is doing is not good and should therefore be corrected. This would make him see clearly which things are morally acceptable and which are not – with how he regard himself, you and other people.

Finally, the key to understanding your kid and imposing discipline is to put yourself in his shoes – ever innocent and less knowing than you as an adult and confront his every action with lots of love and patience.

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The Risks of Faulty Thinking

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A lot of factors affect the relationship between a parent and a child negatively and one of them is faulty thinking. Based on current psychological updates, there at the least seven types of faulty thinking that may have a direct effect of a child-parent relationship. They are: personalizing, hypodermic focus, rule deflation, emotionalizing, mind reading, assuming, and all-or-nothing thinking.

When you see a kid who is very timid, the attitude is either inborn or the product of a problematic household and the child at so many points was subjected to faulty thinking and it eventually led to really long moments of silence. Hence, there are kids who retreat to silence after becoming victims of erroneous assumptions, mind reading, and/or personalizing.

Silence comes after continuous failure of attempts to make fruitful conversations. And because of the silence, they become more misunderstood by other people, and they feel less confident and eventually become bottled up and its just a matter of time before they implode, or worse, explode.

In certain families where the parents are always deemed as eternally correct, there is a huge tendency that children will grow resentful and drive their anger towards other objects in the absence of the parents. Destructive behavior targeting toys, furniture, and other objects that cannot fight back is what the child normally exhibits. It does not normally manifest at home when everyone is around but he may turn to be a bully in school.

Racism or any other form of different types of discrimination such as gender and age based types are the worst types of escalations of stereotyping, another form of faulty thinking. And this form of faulty thinking may start unwittingly at home instigated by overprotective misled parents.

Children who grow old and manifest stereotyping behavior were most likely the product of close minded parents who have segregated views on the society that we currently live in. Typecasting old people as senile, cheerleaders as flirts, et cetera, all these are thought supplied at home and the nearby environment.

The teenage life of a person and the way the parents treat that stage in a child’s life is always a crucial and a very pivotal stage where social behavior is cultured and developed, and the outcome is generally is a creation of the immediate surroundings and the people around them who have influence over them, the parents. Even though schools and friends contribute to the progression of faulty thinking in a person, parents are the people most of the children look up to.

Other kids may be influenced by what they see on the television and learn in school and start to challenge the inappropriate line of thinking propagated by the parents, yet some stay blind and continue to patronize the wrong principles of faulty thinking.

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All about Excuses

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In these day and age, with the many possible activities that the modern world has provided, nobody can actually say they are not busy (even sick people in the hospital are busy). Even the most lethargic person has something to do – lounge in a couch and watch TV and he is too busy doing that he cannot be peeled off the Velcro seat and to mow the loan.

And since everyone in a regular family is tied up almost the whole day all must share in the household chores. A well-run family schedules its chores with each member partaking in the whole process and the consistency in this household chore arena should be as sticky as the diligence manifested on appointments, school activities, invites, at cetera.

At some point certain activities are going to be set aside or even cancelled but nonetheless, the cleanliness and safety of the home cannot be compromised at all. At all. Nobody, especially responsible parents, would want to come home and rest in a house full of clutter because someone missed out on his or her turn on the cleaning schedule.

Now is the time to be consistent with the house rules and never waver on your children’s excuses. Keep in mind that at this early, if we instill in them the habit of sticking to what was agreed upon, then they will grow up to become better people at home and in business.

Kid’s excuses come in different forms and they become more creative as time passes by so you also have to rack your brains and anticipate their next excuse. Or much better – leave no room for excuses. To do this, always make clear your expectations and the repercussions when these expectations are not met. There should always be a consequence because if there aren’t, then the whole expectation scheme is put to waste.

Never be vague, for instance, simply telling your kid to clean his or he room will not cut it because they can come up with a workaround on that. You have to specify what you meant by clean, identifying specific areas and objects that need to be put back to where it should be or wiped spotless. You can even make a list to prove your point. Make it a checklist even so that you and them can monitor the progress and you can review and make an inventory afterwards.

However, this would only work with very young kids. Older kids have to handles with more tact since they would appreciate it more if you allow them to strategize as to how they will go about their chores. You can even praise them after they have done a good job of doing their chore using their own ways and means. It would really be frustrating to them if you enumerate to them the items that you want done. You can even tell them the general idea of what you want done and tell them that you trust them on what they would do.

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Effects of Clinging to the Idea of Uniqueness

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It’s good to be unique to a certain extent but when you start to use uniqueness as a reason for not following rules or doing what’s expected of you that is not the real concept of uniqueness you are practicing there.

Being clingy to this concept as the be all and end all hinders you to change as a parent and if it’s the case of your child in his growth as a person. If you let your child cling to the idea of uniqueness you are allowing him to get away from the work and responsibilities that he has to accomplish for that change.

As a parent yourself, when you let yourself cling to the idea of your uniqueness as a parent, you are simply letting yourself slip away from having to do the tasks you need done for change or for you to help your child change for better behavior.

I am like this because I am a product of a broken home. This is the usual complaint of children from broken homes as they start to mature, in age that is. It’s high time they knew that their admission of having some deficiencies in their family life is affecting them is great help enough for them to help themselves and face their issues. Sadly most adults who used to be children who were not trained to deal with their “unique” situation are more likely to wallow in their being a single-parent-reared kid.

Not all children who came from broken homes are like that, but most of them are. We have this preconceived notion that we are defined and our personalities are formed based on our family values. This is partly true but it doesn’t mean that we can use a broken home condition as an excuse for not being a responsible and a better person as we grow.

Adults who do this are like children who have never transcended their issues as they grow. These adults are not unique at all. In fact, most of the adults have unresolved childhood issues that are prominent in their personality. Though some of these issues may be harmless and even helpful for having a likeable personality, there are those that are totally unacceptable like being utterly helpless and resolving to drastic measures of expression as drug and alcohol abuse.

Of course there is no clear cut formula on rearing children for them to become successful adults in the end, but there are ways and scientifically proven strategies that help your children learn proper behavior as early as they can. The concept of uniqueness most of the time hinders parents from having, learning, and using them.

Is brat camp beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem child.

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