Archive for 'Parenting'

Showing Authority in Parenting

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Contrary to what some parents believe, showing authority to kids is actually a good thing. Kids need it to grow up in a healthy and proper manner. Children tend to thrive from the fact that they have parents who are in charge, who make rules, and give out consequences. While it is true that parents should be loving and fair to promote a good parent and child relationship, kids want to feel secure.

Parents can provide that sense of security when they are parents who are in control. In reality, children do not really want to be in charge, even when they seem to be running the show in the house almost all the time. Kids can get into the nerves of their parents, but they know deep inside them that they do not know enough about the world.

In order for kids to feel safe, secure and loved, parents should confidently take over and make the final decisions. Children see their parents as figures of authority. In the eyes of a child, a mother and a father are like God. Parents are omnipotent and omniscient – they care, feed, and clothe their kids. And most of all, they protect them from harm.

Teach your child to learn things out of his own willingness but under your authority put him in an environment where there is acceptance. Children are able to greatly improve when they are taught to develop their skills and maximize their potential under a firm, yet flexible parental authority.

One way to establish your parental authority over your children is through positive reinforcement. It is a universal fact that people repeat a certain behavior when its exhibition comes with a reward. However, there are some parents who have issues with giving rewards to their children to make them cooperate or agree to requests and expectations.

If you do not want your child to depend on the reward before doing something good, you can keep a record of all his deeds and then agree to a certain extent before he gets his reward. Children like the idea of charts and graphs. You can have a “good deed chart” at home and put a mark or a gold star for every successful performance.

But on top of the charts and the rewards, the most effective way of showing parental authority to your kids is to show it with love. Of all things, your kids need your love the most. So even when you do not personally agree with the rules that your children need to follow, act as if you do if you think that it is for the best.

You will not become effective at showing parental authority when you go against the rules set for your child just because you don’t agree with it. This will make your child think that he can also do the same thing.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Too Much Honesty Can Harm Your Kids

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Sooner or later, the day will come where you will find your kids watching prime time news with you or listening to the same radio station you have in your car. That means that your child be exposed to sensitive topics like sex, drugs, abortion, stealing, shooting someone, and so on. After that, it will only just be a matter of time before your kids begin to ask you questions that you will find very difficult to answer.

Just imagine your child asking you about having sex or about abortion. What if your 16 year old daughter asks you about it, what will you say? What if your son asks you if you have tried smoking pot before, would you admit it? Should you always tell everything to your kids?

One way of getting away with awkward conversations like this is to leave the room and just drop the subject altogether. However, the most effective way of handling this is to prepare your answers for these kinds of questions. That means that you should think of the answers even before you are asked; you need to think into the future and evaluate the effects of the “truth”.

For some time, experts believed that the best way for parents to handle this kind of situation is to just let the truth out in the open. So if you smoked pot when you were young, all you have to do is to let your child know about it. When you follow this strategy, honesty is the most important thing in the world.

However, there is one problem with this. This strategy does not consider the maturity of the kids, it does not consider if they are already equipped to understand sensitive issues like sex or drugs. Being too honest with your kids like this does not consider your child’s readiness to hear such serious and complicated information. For all you know, your child may not be ready to hear you tell them that you used to sleep with other women.

If you are being honest with your kids just to get it off your chest, then you are actually making yourself better by compromising the psychological stability of your kids. While being extremely honest like this does not directly threaten your image to your kids, it will serve as an encouragement or inspiration for them to do the same things.

Always remember that your children treat you as their role model, so you have to be careful at sharing your experiences with them – they might find certain information difficult to understand or confusing.

Yes, honesty is one important virtue, but you also have to consider proper timing and proper age when it comes to telling your kids sensitive matters. When you tell kids certain information, consider their readiness to hear and understand it.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Use Reciprocity and Replacement to Change Children Behavior

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Before anything else, a parent should first find out the reason behind a child’s misbehavior. That is the only way that the parent will be able to identify the necessary measures to take in order to change the way his or her child behaves. You see, children always work toward a certain goal. If you know what that goal is, you will be successful at modifying the behavior.

When your child has a negative behavior that gets in the way of learning or building personal and social relationships with other people, you should make an assessment of the behavior and look at it in an inquisitive manner right away. The moment you know the reason behind the behavior, the next step is to identify ways that will help your child improve.

For most parents, giving consequences to misbehavior is the best behavior modifier. While implementing consequences is also effective, its effect is not as long lasting. Although parenting experts and parenting books say that we should give our children consequences, in the real world, consequences can only do so much.

A more effective and a more enduring way to change a child’s behavior is to encourage positive behavior in children. But then again, know that encouraging positive behavior is entirely different from decreasing negative behavior. Most parents actually think “getting rid” of a certain bad behavior is enough, when actually it is not.

Instead of focusing on getting rid of an unacceptable behavior, parents should be more concerned in promoting good behavior in their kids. Instead of thinking about how to make your son stop throwing tantrums whenever he fails to get what he wants, identify the root causes of such tantrums and address it with a more acceptable behavior. So that your child will be able to behave in a more acceptable way, use reciprocity and replacement behavior.

There are different ways to replace a bad behavior, depending on the purpose of the target behavior as well as the child. But regardless of how you do it, always keep these two things in mind – know the reason behind the bad behavior and address that reason using a positive behavior.

So if for example your child starts screaming in the living room because you did not answer her right away because you were talking to a friend or were on the phone, know the reason why your child threw a fit. Did you disappoint her? Was she using her tantrums to get your attention?

If she was using it to get your attention, show her reciprocity and give her an alternative behavior. Tell her, “If you want to talk to me and I am in the middle of something, you can get my attention by raising your hand. If you do that, I promise to give you my full attention.”

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Showing Your Child the Right Behavior

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If you have been a parent for some time, you probably already know that yelling never works. However, a lot of parents, and even teachers, still commit the common error of shouting at kids when they are misbehaving. Instead of correcting a bad behavior, yelling only draws a negative attention to the behavior and to the child.

When you yell at your kids whenever they do something wrong, you are actually giving more attention to their wrongdoing instead of doing otherwise. Worse, if there is a room full of children who are behaving, they might get the message that misbehaving is one effective way of getting the attention of their parents. That will only increase the likelihood for children to misbehave.

In order to properly correct your child’s inappropriate behavior, you should use disciplining strategies that will help kids respond positively to their limitations. In other words, disciplining your kids should be an opportunity for you to show your children the right behavior. Instead of yelling at your children, you should guide them instead in increasing positive behavior.

Together with eliminating unwanted behavior, you should also aim to increase or transform the behavior that the child should be doing. In fact, doing this is will be much more effective in increasing positive behavior. There are a number of ways to guide your kids to do positive behavior, and the first one is through giving praise.

Parents should praise their kids frequently and enthusiastically when their children do something good. There are several purposes in giving praise. First, it gives the child a sense of social approval. Second, it lets the child know that he is on the right track. Third, it serves as a reminder of the desired behavior that kids should do. Praise is the best reinforcement for younger children, who are more eager to please the people around them.

Another way of guiding kids to continue doing proper behavior is by giving them a visual reminder of the desired behavior. You can have simple point sheets or sticker charts and post it somewhere really visible at home.

Assign a certain number of points for a certain good behavior, and let your child earn points by doing such behavior. Give your child a sticker whenever she does something good and at the end of the month, let him trade the stickers for a small prize. Remember, giving rewards is a very powerful tool in changing children behavior.

If you want to guide your child into doing the right behavior, reward him when he behaves appropriately. You can either set a reward for doing a certain behavior or for a certain period of time – like he eats his dinner first before eating the cake, or doing his homework first before playing with video games.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Using Behavior Replacements to Correct Improper Behavior

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When you ask parents about their strategy in teaching their kids appropriate behavior, most will automatically talk about giving consequences. While giving reasonable consequences is crucial in changing a problem or unacceptable behavior, using positive techniques often lead to better and more long lasting results.

As a parent, you should understand that behavior is communication. So when your child is doing something, it could be his way of communicating a certain desire to meet a particular need or to avoid something. A lot of children especially those with issues in verbally communicating themselves find other ways to communicate their needs and desires.

Kids communicated their desires differently. There are some who use inappropriate methods such as aggression, yelling or other self-harming behavior. This is where parents and caregivers assume a significant part in assisting the child to learn a more appropriate way to communicate.

Aside from consequences, positive behavior is also a very effective way of changing a child’s problematic behavior. Actually, encouraging a positive behavior means teaching a different kind of behavior in lieu of the inappropriate one. Positive behavior is like giving your child a replacement behavior or a more acceptable alternative that your child can do to replace the previous, wrong behavior.

In order to give your child appropriate alternatives for their inappropriate behavior, you should first identify which types of behavior should be changed. When you know what to change, it will be much easier to change it. Knowing which behavior to correct will help you locate an appropriate alternative and reinforcement to give your child when the situation calls for it.

Your child will repeat any behavior, good and bad, whenever he receives a certain reinforcement or value from caregivers or parents. Hence, one way to increase the likelihood that the child will display the alternative behavior is to give that certain behavior corresponding praise or rewards.

If your child does his homework after you told him, “I would like you to stop watching TV and do your homework” give him an extra scoop of ice cream later or let him watch TV a few minutes longer than usual. You should know what motivates your child as well so that you will know what things will serve as an incentive for the child to behave more positively.

Every parent should know two very important things – what motivates the child and that a child’s behavior is shaped over time. That means that no behavior can be changed overnight. If you just introduced the alternative behavior to the child, do not expect him to automatically do it in a snap. Give him time to get used to it, but make sure that you do your part in giving him reinforcements and praise. Be patient, and be consistent.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Talk Back. Check on the link for more information.

Tips to Show Your Kids Unconditional Love

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Perhaps the greatest gift that you can give your children is the gift of unconditional love. Telling them that you love them no matter what is the most effective and the most meaningful message that you can possibly tell your children. But unfortunately, kids are not yet capable of comprehending vague concepts such as love and affection.

If you do not tell your kids you love in bold and obvious ways, then you will not be able to express it effectively. While telling your kids you love them downright seems a daunting task, there are actually a few simple ways of telling your kids how much you care.

The best way to tell your child you love them is by actually saying it. Express how much you love your children first thing in the moment, right before they sleep, during and after an argument, on the phone, while making her breakfast, while waiting for her bus, and so on. Be sure to communicate with your kids as much and as often as you can, in any possible way.

If you think that telling your child “I Love You” is a sign of weakness or permissiveness, then you are awfully wrong. Yes kids can be really annoying at times, but they deserve to know that they are loved no matter what. Expressing your love to your children does not necessarily imply that you will tolerate their unacceptable behavior or turning a blind eye on their mistakes. Instead, loving your kids means loving them in spite of everything.

On top of verbally expressing your love to your kids, you should also follow it through with some visible and tangible efforts. Write them notes, letters, post-its, cards and others that will tell them you love them. If you want, you can even make a little note on a napkin and pack it together with their lunch.

When you leave your kids love notes like these, you are like telling them, “I was thinking about you this morning, but you were out in school.” You might not be aware of it, but writing does a lot of wonders to a child’s life.

If you have the time and the creative thumb, you can also take it a notch higher and show your kids your love by making them things – clothes, play dough characters, doll clothes, cupcakes, burgers, ice cream, spaghetti, and so on. One way of becoming an effective parent is by sharing a hobby with your child.

But the best way to show your kids your unconditional love is by being there for them, physically. Be there for your child at school plays and during soccer matches. Even when they are just playing in the park on a weekend, show them you care by looking at them with a smile or giving them a secret wave.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Show Your Kids Responsible Love and Concern

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A lot of parents believe that giving their kids expensive gifts and material things will show how much they love their kids. Although kids like to have toys and play with a lot of things, the joy that they feel after receiving the gift will fade in time. So the moment your child finds the toy less interesting than before, that symbol of love becomes meaningless as well.

You should know that money is no expression of love and concern. If you think that by showering your child with all the material things the world can offer will make them love you more, they are wrong. But then again, this is one common lie that all of us have been made to believe.

A lot of us were made to think that loving our children means buying them the most expensive and the latest gifts and toys, even when they are outside our budget. Sadly, this is the setup in a number of households.

Some parents have the assumption that if they love their kids, they have to buy them the “best” things – meaning the most expensive. And if they do not, they are selfish and insensitive parents. However, there are certain ways to raise happy and well raised kids without spending a lot of money.

If you can afford to buy your kids everything that they want and you choose to because you think it is wise, then good for you. However, know that there is a huge difference between giving your kids everything while compromising your family’s financial stability. Risking your family’s financial welfare just to give your child the latest Nintendo will not do anything good for you, and for your child.

When you give your kids everything they want, you are not showing them love but inspiring an entitlement mentality. If you give in to your kid’s every want, they will grow up wanting all their life. Instead of being self-sufficient, they become demanding and dependent. Instead of looking forward to achieving their goals, they become entitlement oriented and ungrateful.

Kids do not need material things, what they need are adult love and concern. Instead of giving them the latest Play Station, think of ways to show them you care without spending a single dollar. One effective way is to spend quality time with your kids as a family. Actually, the pressure of showering your kids all these material things are from you, and not from them.

You can bond with your kids through a family night or a weekend getaway. No need do anything fancy, you can whip up a special dinner that your kids will surely love. You can play games at home out of blankets and pillow cases, order pizza and watch cartoons all night, and so on.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Observe a Daily Transition Time

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Adults may already be matured sometimes there can be the child’s attitude in us. Just like kids, we most usually get upset when obliged to do a thing even before finishing one thing. Getting to the next activity may be hard to do.

When you arrive home from work and see that there are still things to be done, you may get upset and “explode”. Things may get out of hands. What do you do? You can relax for a couple or more minutes, think of what thing to do next, and then plan on how to do it. All these done in 10 to 15 minutes of transition will be good for you and your family, then you can go on to the next activity afterwards.

For kids, transition can also be difficult for them. Telling them to do something abruptly may also result to tantrums especially if they are already engrossed in doing one thing. They also need transition time, so talking to them on what to do after finishing on what they are doing may produce good results.

You may tell your kids to clean up their messy room or to do their homework after 15 minutes while during this time and you also have 15 minutes to relax. That extra time of transition will help you pull yourself together before you proceed to your next activity. Preparing dinner will then be an easy thing for you to do.

Talking to your kids on what your expectations are, on what you would like them to do, after the transition time you gave them, will instill good values in them. They may be kids and hard to make them follow whatever you like them to do but if done with firmness, chances are they will follow instructions.

Doing things routinely will be good for your kid’s schedule as well as yours. They already know that after you arrive home they have 15 minutes of transition on what they are doing. Then afterwards they have to clean up their mess and probably help you with what you’re doing afterwards.

The routine will give them the habit of making the adjustment in whatever they’re doing. They will know when they have to stop whatever they’re presently doing and move on to their next activity. This is instilling discipline in them also.

Giving yourself a transition time, before moving on to what you will do next, will ease the pressure that may be pent on your shoulders. The transition will give you time to relax and ease the tension. The transition can also give your kids time to finish what they’re doing and do the next thing. This is discipline which can make them better adults in the future.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Jump Start Your Kid’s Homework

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There are kids who are very into their schoolwork that the moment they reach home, they sit right in front of their books and get on with their assignments without being told. Unlike most kids, these kids finish their work with minimal input from their parents. And if they find something that they do not understand, they ask their parents for help without much hassle.

While there are kids who love school and learning, most kids dislike the idea of making assignments. These kids quickly shift from one mood to another and they are totally negative when it comes to making assignments. When they find something confusing, they end up complaining and feeling frustrated.

In order to prevent their kids from throwing a fit, some parents do their children’s assignments instead. Children with poor frustration tolerance makes homework a subject for argument, and in order to avoid that parents end up answering their child’s math problems. To keep a positive air at home, some parents do the actual work for their kids.

This practice however, is counterproductive. Parents can help their kids, but they should not be the ones making the actual assignments. If your child gets easily bored or tired by his assignments, there are some things that you can do to perk your child up and establish a positive attitude towards learning.

In order for you to let your child see the positive side of making assignments, you should give him his own world where he can do his assignments. Make sure that your child has his own study area at home that is free from any distractions. Make sure that it is conducive for learning as well – it is well-lit, organized, and filled with references like books and encyclopedias, and so on.

You also have to make sure that your child follows a certain routine when it comes to making assignments. You should set up a time for making assignments and make it the same every single day. Once the time is set, see to it that your child sticks to it until he makes a habit out of it. Remember, kids find things running in a structure less frustrating than random practices.

But the most important thing that you should remember is by giving your child a head start every time he finds something confusing in his assignment. Say for example your child is tasked to write a biography about some historical figure. If you feel that your child finds the subject difficult, give him the first few sentences of the biography and let him finish it on his own.

When you give your child a head start, you are helping him do his homework without over functioning. Not only that, you are also letting your child make his own decisions as to how his assignment should go.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Talk Back. Check on the link for more information.

Give Your Kids Basic Directions When Doing Assignments

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Research has it that 75% of parents today fail to help their kids with their homework because they feel that they are not qualified to do so. Parents often feel unprepared, especially when the assignment is about Math or Science. Parents believe that they do not have the enough knowledge or the resources to help their kids answer their homework.

Math and Science are two very challenging subjects for kids. But when they ask help from their parents, they often get rejected because the parents themselves find the subject too complicated. Because of that, making assignments and school work in general becomes a stressful topic in some households.

However, there are some parents who are very helpful with their kids when it comes to making assignments. Most education experts even suggest that parents should always stay on top of their kid’s activities in school. But that does not mean taking over the kid’s responsibilities – parents can help their kids with school work, only up to a certain point.

Parents can help their kids do their homework by reminding them of the time and by making sure that they child’s homework gets done. But when it comes to making the actual thing, parents should stay out of it.

Doing this is something difficult for some parents. Today, parents find it hard to keep their hands off their kid’s work because of the volume of work that schools are burdening kids these days. On top of that, the current school curricula in are more complicated than the years before. That is why parents sometimes find it hard to step back.

Every parent wants his child to submit the best project in class, or write the best term paper. Parents want their kids to perfect every exam and get a high mark on every assignment. Parents often feel the need to protect their kids from making mistakes, so they end up doing the work themselves.

As a parent, you should remember that assignments are there for a reason. In order for your kids to learn, you should control yourself and refrain from doing their assignments for them. Some parents get carried away and take special classes or buy textbooks so that they can brush up on current topics. You should remember that as a parent, your role should only be your child’s “stage manager.”

Your role is to guide your kids through homework by giving basic direction. Give encouragement and show a positive attitude towards school and studying. Your job is to make sure that your child does the assignment promptly and that he has a quiet, organized, well-lit area to study and do his work. But if you really want to be there while your child works, you can do your own silent activity nearby.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

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