Archive for 'Parenting'

Stop the Confusion: Communicate Effectively with Your Kids

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If adults often complain that no one listens to their pains, how much more our kids? Kids also want to be heard and they need someone to share their thoughts and feelings with. And if your kids cannot count on your for that kind of support, who will give them that? Thus, every parent should master the art of effective communication with their kids.

The moment your child goes out of the house for school he is exposed to enumerable verbal and non verbal communications every single day from different people. Although it is literally impossible for you to control the way other people talks to your kids, you can refine your personal responses whenever your child is trying to communicate with you.

When you create a good communication line with your kids, you will help them lead a better life in the future. How you are able to understand their thoughts and desires and how well you are able at handling different situations will play a crucial role in your child’s overall development.

In order to effectively communicate with your kids, there are some things to keep in mind. First, you have to spend time with your kids as often as you can. Giving your child quality time is perhaps the best gift that you can give your child. That means giving your child your full attention without any distractions.

Spending time with your child will make him feel confident and worthy. The more you have conversations with your kids, the better you will understand where they are coming from and realize what actually motivates and works best for him.

You also have to listen carefully to everything that your child says. Careful listening paves the way for creating connection with your kids. Mere parental advice, instructions or corrections will not suffice. You have to listen carefully and attentively to your child’s talks so that he will feel comfortable sharing with your important things in his life.

But perhaps the most important thing that all parents should be careful about is giving their kids the right and clear signals. Communication can be sometimes confusing, especially when both ends are not coming from the same page. Give clear and simple instructions to your kids. Do not talk to your kids using idioms or complicated gestures. If you want your child to be quiet at church, then say so.

If your child misbehaves, a simple stare will not be enough. You have to tell him straight and frank. Kids are not yet equipped to “read between the lines”, so doing so will only confuse them. Avoid that confusion by keeping your instructions short and direct. Do not use too many words for they will only nullify your message.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Transition Time with Your Kids

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The most important thing that will do you great in your role as a parent is to understand your own emotions. It is a universal fact that parenting is tough. But the truth is, when you get angry or show negative emotion, something happens with the way you think that screws everything up.

There are actually some chemical changes in your brain that will affect how it functions and how you think. When that happens, you will not be able to see the situation for what it actually is and you will not be able to think clearly.

Have you ever been in an argument with your child that you just knew you could impossibly win? Well, if it is any consolation, all parents have been at least once. But the good news is that there are actually some things that you can do to make you avoid going through the same things again.

The first thing that you can do to avoid getting into a power struggle with your kid and automatically losing the argument is by changing your mindset. It is absolutely true when some say you get what you expect in life. You need to understand this fact and once you do it, you will totally change the way you live your life.

If you come home from work and while driving your car you think that the moment you reach home, a spat with your kid is about to happen, then you will surely get one. Are you wondering why other parents come home with happy and warm kids waiting for them? Are you wondering what the difference is? Perception.

If you truly believe that an argument is waiting for you at home, then you will definitely get one. Not only will you begin to genuinely think that there is actually one waiting for you at home, but your subconscious will also begin to work against you. This is because what you do in the conscious mind makes up only 10% of what we think, and the other 90% is all subconscious.

So when you tell yourself that, “I’m sure Peter has done something wrong in school today. He is going to be in so much trouble when I get home”, your subconscious will believe it and will begin to make it your reality. This has been happening time and time again for a lot of parents.

If you are bogged down with kids screaming and yelling and you can’t seem to see your way through it all, you need to take some time and learn to compose yourself first. Only when you can compose yourself properly can you effectively be of benefit to your kids and to yourself as well. When you are calm, you can elicit any changes in your kids.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Getting Your Kids to Follow the Rules

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If only there was a list of effective rules stashed somewhere, the relationship between parent and child would have been much easier. If such list exists, it would have clearly indicated the things that kids can and cannot do.

Aside from that, the list would also have specified what every parent should do every time their child misbehaves and disobeys the rules. While this magical list seems to be too good to be real, you and your child can actually make one on your own!

Involving children in the rule making process is perhaps one of the most effective parenting techniques that you can do at home. When you allow your child to help you decide on the most appropriate consequences for every rule that is broken, you will be able to promote positive behavior all the more.

However, doing this process is not going to be easy – it will require much effort from the part of the parent. But then again, the benefits of having a clearly defined list of rules will definitely be worth it. There are a lot of ways where you can let your children contribute to the process of making rules.

First, you have to clearly define the rules that you want to implement. You have to make sure that your kids know these rules and that they understand clearly each one. When you make the rules clear and known, you will be able to avoid hearing your child say, “But I did not know I was not supposed to eat ice cream before bed time.”

When you involve your kids in making the rules, they are likely to feel a sense of ownership in those rules. So instead of thinking it as “Mom’s rule”, your child will be able to relate to it and feel that it is his rule too. When your child feels that he owns the rule, he will likely honor it.

Setting rules also create the environment where you can explain to your child about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Since you and your child sat down and made the rules, you will also get the chance to further explain why such rule is necessary and why your child should comply with it. If you have rules laid out ahead of time, you will save yourself the difficult task of trying to decide in the heat or an argument.

Making a list of rules with your child will help you decide better how to handle situations that arise regarding your child’s behavior. Only when you let your child know the things that are expected of him will you have the proper behavior that you want. Remember, kids are very easy to negotiate with. Let them know what you want, and they will likely give it to you.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Reprimand While Boosting Self Esteem

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One way for a child to survive the many challenges of life is to have a positive sense of self. It will be easier for kids to cope with the many changes and resist the negative pressures of life if they initially feel good about themselves. When they believe in themselves, kids will smile more often and will see everything in life from a brighter perspective.

But if kids think poorly of themselves, they will surely find it hard to survive any obstacles in their life. Give them a simple task, and they will find it a great source of anxiety and frustration. Kids who have a low self esteem often make poor decisions and find it difficult to find solutions to their problems.

When a kid has a low self esteem, he will likely doubt his own skills and capabilities. He may feel that he is complete failure and is unable to do anything right. That could lead to developing a negative attitude towards life in general, and can make him a passive, indifferent, or depressed adult later on. And whenever something comes his way, saying “I can’t do it” will be the easiest way to deal with things.

Parents can avoid this situation if they fulfill their role in their child’s life. Parents play an important role in boosting the self esteem of their kids. They should start building up their kid’s morale while young, if they want their kids to be successful in their chosen endeavors in the future. Achieving goals and making dreams come true will be less challenging when a child feels confident about himself right from the start.

Parents might find the concepts of praise and encouragement too simple, but they contribute a lot in building a child’s self confidence. That is why parents instinctively smile when they see their baby right after birth or feel that strange sense of excitement and pride whenever their child does something the first time – the first step, the first words, etc.

Parents may be unaware of it, but they can give their children acknowledgement through spoken words and signs of affection. When you praise your child for doing something right, you are pushing him a step further to becoming a better person.

Making your child feel that you hold him at a high regard is very important. It is one way of building that sense of confidence in your child. But if your child makes mistakes, you also have to implement hat appropriate consequences.

However, keep your eye on the goal even when you reprimand your child. When you tell him about his mistakes, use a proper tone and a warm facial expression. In order to boost your child’s self confidence, you have to make sure that your gestures reflect respect and personal regard. That way you will be assured that the message gets through without resistance.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

When to Give Your Children Cues

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Some parents are not sure which behavior is tolerable and which one is utterly disrespectful. Because parents cannot identify which behavior prompts a consequence, they end up tolerating the wrong behavior at times. When parents are unsure where to draw the line, they become ineffective in giving their kids consequences and teaching them the proper skills that they need to learn.

Experts believe that it is important for parents to draw the line between mild rebelliousness and disrespect very clearly. If you are unsure if your child has done something unforgivable, ask yourself this – “Is my child merely telling me something a general frustration about life, or is he hurting me on purpose?”

A few examples of a fairly harmless misbehavior is when your child rolls his eyes at you or stomps his way up the stairs after you reprimand him. These two are completely different from telling you “You are very stupid! You can’t understand anything I say! Stupid!” When you hear those words come out of your child’s mouth, make no mistake, that is disrespect at its finest.

Some parents are clueless when it comes to drawing the line in order to discipline their kids. There are even times that parents feel afraid the moment their daughter shows signs of mild rebellion. This is because some parents believe that eye rolling and stomping on the stairs are just a few steps away from name calling. But before you panic and jump into any conclusion, think about this first – if your child has no record of calling you anything rude in the past, then he will likely not call you names. But when he does, do not hesitate and hold him accountable for it.

It is completely normal for parents to feel frightened that things can go worse, especially if we are talking about teenagers. While being a teen is difficult for kids, it is more difficult for parents what with the adjustments and keeping the balance of letting kids be independent while keeping an eye on rude and disrespectful behavior.

Experts suggest letting mild rebellions pass. On top of eye rolling and stomping at the stairs, you can ignore your child’s muttering about how life is unfair as well as sighing dramatically or even slamming the door on occasion.

However, the moment your child begins to tell you extremely rude things or start calling you names habitually, then it is time to set down firm rules and consequences. Whenever your child does something unacceptable, that is the time that you give him cues.

Giving your child a warning that his behavior is out of line will tell him to stop without making yourself vulnerable to any fight or power struggle. Aside from that, you are able to discourage his behavior without making a scene.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Using Humor in Disciplining Children

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Say for example your child called you a “poopyhead” after insisting that he must clean up his room or finish his assignment first before watching TV, what would you do?

Most parents would feel enraged or irritated at the very least when their child does this kind of behavior. Some will demand an immediate apology, while some will put their kids in time-out and send them away to the time-out area at home. Stricter parents will even take this kind of behavior personally and will resort to spanking.

However, a few parents might shrug the harm off and simply give their kid a reply, “Shhh! Don’t be so loud about my secret name. Your sister might hear you!” If you feel that this response is more appropriate, then you are what child psychologists call as a “playful parent.”

Being a playful parent has its perks. By answering your child’s insults in a light and positive way, you have broken the tension with silliness and formed a bond with your child. In fact, your child might just be so excited about knowing your “secret name”, and if you continue the game by telling him further that your actual “spy name” is Captain Chocolate Truffles, he will forget that he did not want to clean his room.

Parents take child discipline quite seriously, which is exactly the reason why a lot of parents fail at it. Taking the task of teaching kids right from wrong becomes something that is very heavy and very stressful. But if you use humor to play and connect with your child as you set limits and establish discipline, the entire experience will be a lot less stressful and a lot more fun.

The most important factor in child discipline that all parents should keep in mind is the connection between parent and child. And the only way to make and strengthen that connection is by play and humor because play is where the world of the child revolves; it is where they live. And when everyone feels stressed out and overloaded, that is when kids need play the most.

There are a number of ways that you can incorporate play into child discipline. Say for example your toddler is resisting bedtime, or your 7-year old daughter wants to have ice cream in the middle of the night, how can you discipline your child without putting yours and your child in a stressful and heated situation?

One way is to use funny voices, like taking an opera voice at the top of your lungs. You can talk to your child in a funny voice or in different characters. You can also try falling down, like “playing dead.” A lot of toddlers find it hilarious when adults fall down. Or you can use a game such as arm wrestling and pillow fights. When you use humor in disciplining your kids, it will be a more fruitful and fun experience.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Using Transitions to Teach Kids Respect

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Given how kids behave these days, parents should double their efforts in teaching their kids respect. Children of today are exposed to a lot of things that can easily confuse them in deciding which one is right and which one is wrong. Worse, these beliefs can even make them lose some of the important values in life.

There is no way that we can control and change the environment that our kids have, but we can definitely teach them proper manners and respectful behavior. Respect has been a primary concern for most parents in the past years because kids seem to have been slacking on that area. Teaching kids the value of respect is important not just because it is a basis for socializing, but also because it helps them learn to respect themselves as well.

Although it is every parent’s wish, kids are not born respectful. They learn respect from the people around them through imitation and direct teaching. That is why some experts see children as mirrors – they reflect back to us everything that we say and do. That means that about 90% of everything that our kids learn are from the grownups around them and only 5% of all they learn is from direct instruction.

Almost all children believe that the rest of the world exists because of them, and that everyone will give them everything that they need no matter what. It is the parent’s job to correct that somehow distorted belief. It is important for parents to start teaching them a few things as they grow such as hitting and grabbing are wrong, or that screaming and interrupting when adults are talking is not good.

When your child does something disrespectful, act firmly but without anger and say, “We agreed about no screaming in the house. Lower your voice down when you talk to your sister.” Simple rules like these will be essential reminders for kids to respect others and control their impulses.

Have rules at home that promote respect. You can impose rules like no name callings or using bad language, listening to what others have to say, not using a sibling’s belonging without asking permission, and saying things in a respectful way even when the person is annoying you.

It is also advised to give your children consistent consequences every time they break the rules and compliment them when they do otherwise. You can further teach respect in your kids by first building them up before telling them something negative.

Using transitions in teaching your kids proper behavior is one way of letting your kids value respect. You can tell them “I appreciate that you talk to me nicely. And now let’s talk about dad. Why don’t you try talking to him like the way you talk to me?” Through a transition, you let your child focus on the value of respect instead of his behavior problem.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

The Right Time to Give Cues: Stop Your Kids from Misbehaving Through Cues

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A lot of parents often find it hard to talk to their kids without getting into a fight. This problem in communication is usually the reason why a parent and a child get involved with a power struggle. When parents feel paralyzed when their kids give them a sarcastic and condescending tone, a screaming match is just around the corner.

In order to avoid these ugly fights, some parents resort of keeping silent and letting their kids have the say in the house. They walk on eggshells, and they ask their kids nicely instead of telling them firmly what to do. While walking on thin ice prevents arguments from happening, it is not really the solution to the problem. You have to realize that being considerate to your child is totally different from tiptoeing around your kids.

It is a fact that parents should be considerate to their children’s feelings and opinions. If your child has troubles going through something, you can be considerate in such a way that you help him overcome the challenge as smoothly as possible. Perhaps you can help in terms of adjusting the frequency and the intensity of the experience so that your child can learn to build tolerance.

Say for example your child is afraid to swim. Do you think throwing him into the pool is the best way to go? What you should do instead is to work with him in overcoming that fear. Talk to your child about the things that he finds difficult so that he builds up the tolerance for it and develops a solid base for his skills in the process.

But what if your child is very reactive in a negative way and talking seems to be not working? What you should do to stop his unacceptable behavior? Tiptoeing is definitely NOT the answer.

Tiptoeing around your child is like telling him that he can refuse his responsibilities as well as the things that he is expected to do. When you tiptoe around your kid, you are giving him the impression that he is more powerful than you and he will use that power to manipulate you in any way he can. That is why setting a limit to your child’s behavior is necessary.

There is proper way of correcting your child’s behavior, especially when he misbehaves in front of his friends or other people that you know. Yes it is your job to reprimand, but it does not include yelling or humiliating your child.

Use cues to tell your child that he is going out of line. Perhaps give him a solid stare or a sharp look to tell him, “Okay, that’s it. Stop it right there” whenever your child begins to misbehave. Remember, yelling will make things worse. But with cues, you will be able to stop your child’s misbehavior without getting into a fight.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Not Every Argument is Worth Fighting For

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Of course, you would not want to live in a house filled with fussing and fighting. But that does not mean that you should leave all the decisions to your kids. For a house to become a home there should be a balance. And the best way to do that is to choose your battles with your kids wisely and stick to your guns on certain issues, while remaining more flexible on others.

According to parenting experts, the best parents are those who are moderately strict. To break it down in simpler terms, that means not being too strict, or too lenient. When parents are overly strict to the point of controlling their kids, they tend to run the risk of forcing their kids to stand up for themselves and rebel.

Have you tried squeezing a bird in your hand? The bird would likely do everything it can to break free from your grasp. Children feel no different – they could have security issues because their parents are not putting appropriate walls around them. Parents should remember that putting a fence around a child can affect him in two ways – either it constricts him, or make him feel safe.

Being the one in charge, parents are responsible in striking a sense of balance in handling their kids. And the first step is to choose their battles carefully. Rebellion may be considered safe and healthy at some extent, but beyond that needs special attention. Adolescents are expected to let go of their parents’ hands and try a few things on their own as they become their own persons, in which case some rebellion is necessary.

So when your daughter tells you that she is thinking of dying her hair red from being a natural blonde, consider that as a “safe” rebellion. However, when your 16-year old daughter tells you that she is thinking of getting a tattoo or her tongue pierced, it is a different story – doing permanent things like this may not necessarily be safe.

Parents should learn to prioritize their concerns – they can be rock solid on matters regarding health and safety, but can choose to be flexible on other issues. Curfew for example is about making sure that your children get home safe, so it should be a battle that you should choose to fight. But issues about what clothes to wear or applying make up, you can choose to back off.

Make sure that you stand firm when it comes to matters concerning school and studying as well as proper nutrition and proper hygiene. And if you are strong in your faith, then church attendance should not be a subject for debate.

Choose your battles wisely and do not back down when you feel that it is important or worthy of getting into conflict. Do not be afraid to demand your kids into doing something, but show them that you are considerate on certain things.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Importance of Redirecting Child Behavior

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Any parent would agree that waiting for their kids to do what they are told usually ends up in a bad way. This is because kids only think in a linear manner, and their activities usually exclude their parents. Perhaps you have seen a number of kids touch right away anything that they find attractive before even thinking about it. Or perhaps you have experienced being annoyed by your kid saying “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy” when you refused to buy what he wants.

There are some parents who are really good at diverting their kid’s interests without getting into a fight. If your child does not listen to you when you tell him to come down the table and sit, then perhaps you need to learn from the natural parents who have found a way to make their kids do what they want them to do.

Some parents are able to make their children do things without difficulty. Their children listen to what they say without fighting or arguing. You may have seen a mom whisper gently to her son at the mall, and her son follows her and behaves well without any attempt of throwing a tantrum.

Most probably the mom has managed to divert her son’s attention into something else. Because once you figure out how to effectively redirect your child’s behavior, conflict and head-to-head discipline will remain just a bad memory.

For instance you saw your child hold a pair of scissors. Normally, you would yell from across the room out of panic and command him to give the scissors to you at once. But then again, the chances of your son to hand the scissors out peacefully and without a chase is slim.

However, if you have learned the art of distracting your children, you will be able to redirect your child’s attention from the scissors, say point out to the TV and tell him something interesting about what is going on on screen. And as you point to the TV, you slowly reach out for the scissors and put it away.

Once your child gets hooked to the TV, the scissors will be released safely in your hands. You have been successful at getting what you want without a fight and without engaging in a power struggle with your kid. Everything was peacefully done, without conflict and without drama.

Redirecting your child’s behavior is a very important parenting skill that you should master. On top of letting you get what you want, you are also able to let your child do what you want him to do without any resistance. Redirecting your child’s behavior gets tasks done and prevents tantrums from happening in the process as well.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

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