Archive for 'Parenting'

Ways to Discourage Kids from Justifying Their Behavior

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Every parent will arrive in that point where confronting a teenage son will be necessary. Say for example you are concerned about your children getting into bad vices and hanging out with bad company. So you ask him one night, “Charlie, are you smoking?”

Releasing something as huge as this can lead your child to react in two ways, either he denies the behavior like what most teenagers do and tells you, “What? Of course not”, which brings up a concern for honesty and lying; or your son can admit it to you pointblank but with a certain flaw, “Yes I smoke, but all my friends does it so it’s normal.”

What your son did was not just give you an excuse; he was also trying to justify his behavior. Children tend to do this because they believe that if they can justify their actions, that makes it okay. So next time you ask your daughter why she pierced her nose, expect an answer that goes something like, “Everybody does it mom, so relax.”

A child trying to justify his behavior is a child who does not know the value of responsibility and accountability. If you tolerate your child with all his justifications, you are allowing him to think that he can do anything he wants without consequences.

Part of being a parent is the duty of teaching your kids to certain boundaries and limitations. That is why you need to discourage your kids from making justifications of their actions as early as possible. And the best way to do that is by teaching them two important values: accountability and responsibility.

The first thing that you need to do in order to build a home that upholds accountability and responsibility is by making sure that you have a positive relationship with your kids. Spend quality time with them and try to strengthen a good relationship with them. You will not be able to teach your children anything valuable if they don’t trust you or anything that you say.

You can also teach your kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions if you give them assigned tasks regularly. You will be more effective and teaching them how to be responsible if you give them a routine, perhaps a weekly or a daily task. Try giving your kids daily or weekly tasks, even something as simple as changing the sheets or putting the trash out.

But the best way that you can teach your kids to be responsible is by showing them yourself. How can you tell them to be responsible if you are not showing them that you are responsible as well? If you really want your kids to learn how important owning up to their mistakes and being responsible for their actions are, then it should start with you first.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Making Excuses – Correct the Process Not the Excuse

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No parent will feel surprised when their child avoids responsibility as much as they can. Every time a child does something wrong, 9 out of 10 children admit their mistake on the spot. The usual scenario is that a child points at someone else or makes up a silly excuse such as the classic, “My dog ate my homework.”

However, a child may admit that he is wrong but with a slight problem. “Yes, I did it but…” is that line familiar to you? Kids may acknowledge that they did something wrong, but with an excuse at the end. “I’m sorry, but you did it first.” “I’m sorry, but it’s mine.” “I’m sorry, but you asked for it.” “I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

When your child tells you these things, he is actually apologizing with a condition – “I’m sorry but it is not really my fault.” You have to be very careful not to let your child form the habit of making excuses for his actions. When your kid does not learn to own up to his mistakes, he is not learning how to take responsibility for his behavior. When he fails to learn to take responsibility, no matter what you do, he will not be able to change and correct his behavior.

Children learn to make excuses when parents ask them, “Why did you do it?” That question begs for an explanation, and in a child’s mind, his main goal is to avoid any punishment and blame. So when you ask your child a reason why he punched his sister in the face, thinking of a way out from the possible consequences or your disapproval becomes the automatic response.

When your child finds out that making up an excuse for his mistake actually gets him out of trouble, he will try to use that weapon over and over. It starts with a harmless excuse at a young age, but begins to escalate into bigger excuses as they grow older in order to avoid being held accountable for their misdemeanor. But without accountability, genuine change in behavior is hard to achieve.

When your child tells you, “I’m sorry I punched her, but she pinched me first”, challenge his thinking on the spot. Saying sorry is a good thing, but is meaningless when followed by an excuse. When your child makes up excuses, do not try to disvalue his excuse. Instead, correct his act of making an excuse.

So when your son tells you his sister broke his toy first that is why he kicked her doll, tell him, “Regardless if your sister broke your toy, it is not an excuse for kicking his doll.” Explain to him that making any excuse for his actions will not erase his mistake and will not save him from the consequences of his action.

Looking for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Teaching Kids Right from Wrong: Don’t Use Your Emotions

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No parent enters parenthood fully aware and prepared for the surprises parenthood brings. If all parents had a crash-course on parenthood, it would have been one of the easiest things to do. That is why when parents begin to notice that their child is ignoring the rules, they begin to panic as well.

The inevitable time will come when that cute little baby that you have nurtured and cuddled through the night becomes a determined preschooler who screams at you and demands that you turn the TV on, “right now”. Seeing your child act like that the first time could make you think back and evaluate if you have done something wrong to get that much hate from your kid. Although the emotion could be real, hatred is not exactly what your child feels.

It is normal to feel violated and hurt when your child begins to get out of hand and engage in scandalous behaviors. In fact, keeping your emotions in check and trying not to take things personally can be really difficult to do.

But if it is any consolation, it is actually a good sign that your child begins to challenge your rules and attempts to demand what they want. When your child breaks your heart without worrying about you not loving them afterwards actually means a developmental milestone. But still, it does not mean that the behavior is acceptable.

Every parent has his and her own set of standards to discipline and acceptable behaviors, so you have to get to work and recognize what is proper behavior to you.

When you hear your child say, “I hate you!” in a firm and loud voice, breathe and relax. Do not take it personally because actually, what he is trying to say is something like “I’m hungry or I’m exhausted or I’m scared” and so on.

Do not let your emotions get the best of you, instead try some active listening and communication techniques to help you acknowledge what your child truly feels while letting him know that his behavior is out of bounds. Do not contradict what your child said in order to avoid getting into a power struggle.

So next time your child tells you something rude or yells something hurtful at you, respond in a calm voice, “I understand that you are angry because you want to eat your cookie now, but shouting at mommy like that is bad.” Introducing your child to what is right and what is not will help you feel in control while you reinforce his limitations in the process. On top of that, you were able to teach your child right from wrong without getting too emotional or too absorbed in the matter.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

Bigger Hammers Develop Bigger Nails: Why Parents Should Not Take Things Personally

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Our children spend at least half of their lives living with us, watching our every move every day. We might not be aware of it, but as they grow our children also absorbs the things that make us tick, both in good and bad ways. Kids are very adaptive of their environment, so do not be surprised to hear your daughter answer back with the most overwhelming argument.
Perhaps it is inherent to all parents to try and control their emotions, even bite their tongue as much as they can. However,
some parents can only hold their temper for so long and release a sleeping monster within. If you are one of the many parents who struggle so hard with keeping their emotions as manageable as possible, you might find this read interesting and helpful.

Losing your temper easily translates into shouting at your kids, calling them names, slamming things on the counter, increasing the consequences beyond necessary, and depriving them of their basic needs such as dinners to serve as a punishment.

Tension happens between parent and child almost every day, about almost everything – from getting dressed, finishing their potatoes, not sticking with the rules, to being verbally disrespectful. As children become teenagers, the problems escalate into issues concerning socializing, behavior outside the house, helping with household chores, and dishonesty.

The ultimate reason why parents get easily mad when their kids do not follow what they say is that they get trapped in power struggles with their kids. When you allow yourself to be eaten by power struggle, regardless of your child’s age, your emotions will be harder to control and you will find it more difficult to get out of the struggle.

Come to think of it – if losing temper was an effective parenting strategy, all parents in the world would be problem-free. All we have to do is to wait until our child gets into our nerves, yell at him for a while, and he goes out of the house a changed kid.

Losing your temper and taking things personally does not work. It is ineffective because the root of the problem gets lost in the heat of the argument, and it is left unsolved after all energy has been used for yelling and screaming. When you get angry, instead of learning the essential problem solving skill, your child gets nothing but power thrusts from you.

Think of it this way: if your child misbehaves and all you do is get a bigger hammer to correct his mistake, your child will grow and become a bigger nail. Understand that learning how to solve problems and control emotions is what your child needs to get out of childhood. If you do not teach him that, who will?

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

What to Do When Kids Lie: Do Not Let Your Kid Distort Your Values

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Children will always try to lie. Lying is something that all human beings, especially children are naturally wired to do. For kids, lying is a way of testing their boundaries and no child is an exception. Although morally wrong, parents should not take these lies seriously. Keep in mind that lying is a part of a child’s development. However, if your kids lie almost all the time, then that is a different story.

Kids lying are almost always a common problem shared by parents all around the world. Frequent lying, contrary to occasional, harmless lies has to be taken seriously in order to make it stop. Just like any other behavioral problem, the best thing to address a lie is to understand its cause. Parents should understand that kids are kids, therefore their lies are generally completely different from adult lies.

One common reason why children lie is because they are modeling after an adult, usually a parent. That is applicable to certain situations, but not all the time. This is because kids do not always try to imitate others, and the cause for lying may be different.

Read on and see a few ways to handle this problem. Take note of the major difference between a child who lies to hide something he did wrong and a child who lies just to get everybody’s attention.

When your child did something wrong, do not ask him something that you already know. After he broke a vase, saying “Did you do this?” when you already know is giving an opportunity for him to lie. Instead, say what you know very clearly. Since you already know what happened, tell him that and apply a punishment as necessary. Playing with that truth will only confuse your child.

If you learn that your child lied to you about something, do not be angry or yell at your child. Your anger is the ultimate reason why your kid lied, he wants to avoid it any way he can. When you react with anger, you are only pushing him to lie more. So keep your voice low and ask him why he lied. He needs your help to get rid of the behavior, not encourage it.

Kids who are caught lying usually lie more in the efforts of covering up their first lie. When that happens, be careful and do not buy your kid’s excuses. Stick with your values, and always insist on honesty and in telling the truth. Tell your kids what these values can bring such as trust and independence, and then tell them what lies bring too, such as punishment.

Handling a lying child may be easier said than done. But if you keep these things in mind and you stick to your values, then it might be a little easier than you expected.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Kids Who Engage in Back Talk. Check on the link for more information.

Monkey See Monkey Do: Teaching Kids by Example

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All parents feel the need to provide as much as they can for their kids. It is the law of nature; every parent should look after and take care of their young. That is why the moment a child is born, parents automatically make the decision of becoming great parents in all ways possible.

When new parents hit the bookstore to find a few parenting books they could refer to, that is Mother Nature in action. Most first time parents research piles and piles of books and heaps of internet articles just to know as much as they can about good parenting. It is every parent’s dream to transform their little bundle of joy into a responsible, mature, and hard working adult. But how can they do that?

If you try to compare the things that parenting books, magazines, and internet articles about parenting, you will see a common theme among the entries. However, there is also one common thing that these sources often oversee – the importance of our example.

Actually, our example is perhaps the best tool that we have in teaching our kids to be decent adults. Most parents believe that telling their kids to “do as I say, not as I do” is enough, but almost always that statement is confusing for kids and will be downright ineffective. And no matter how much you try to set the differences between the two, kids will always do what they see.

We all know that language formation among children has been well researched. If a child encounters a new language at a young age, it is highly possible that the child will learn, speak, and understand that particular without flaw. This happens because the language was learned at the time when the human brain is still fresh filled with neurons ready to fire to create new pathways of communication.

The same principle applies for learning the important values in life like respect and honesty. These things are best learned when the child is still at a young age and is open to make new connections. So if you want to tell your 5-year old daughter that you want her to pick up her toys and put them in its proper place, make sure that your room and your computer at home is properly arranged as well.

You tell your son that it is wrong to hit his younger brother, but you belt them hard when they do something unacceptable. You tell your daughter that she should finish her homework and go to bed early, yet you watch TV all day until you fall asleep in the couch.

Teach your kids the important values while they are still young, and do it by setting a good example. Any lesson that we want to teach our children, we must first do ourselves.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ODD. Check on the link for more information.

Set Your Family’s Values Clearly

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Family values can be different from household to household or from one nation to another. As there are sets of beliefs that can help keep the family together, culture may have a big effect on family values. Religiosity can also be a big factor in molding traditional family values.

Traditional values can start with the value of the family and of value of children. Equality among family members can also be good traditional family values as well as family welfare and the value of family health and well being. The value of communication among family members cannot be overlooked as this is the most important thing in the flow from the family head down to every member of the family.

Traditional family values may be affected by cultural changes in a society. Change may be affected in response to economic development in places. More money in peoples’ hands may lead to a possibility of acquiring lower moral values. Spiritual values may also be affected by increased financial prosperity. This is where the influence of the family head comes in. You should not be the one to acquire these negative values.

Values should be permanently instilled in the minds of the young, given that the parents will be their beckoning light and a guide in the dark towards living a healthy and balanced adult life that is anchored on proper values.

The values that a family develops can be made as a good foundation for the children to learn and grow. They can function well in the community if they have acquired this good foundation. The parents can be good teachers if they have shown good examples. It is a known fact that you work hard for your family, obtaining material things, and getting financial rewards. All of these will be for your family. But be sure that you have time for them.

Family time done perfectly well can surely give good results. It can be such time as play time or relaxation with your kids. This will create healthy family bond that will be difficult to break. The child that can always look at you whenever they need you will forever appreciate it. This is family values that they can pass on also to their future kids.

Meetings with family members can be a good time for sharing healthy family values. Take time to share with your family, share meals together, work together and play together. This will be a good opportunity to identify and create good family values.

Interactions done with your kids will make them socially interact with peers and friends. This will mold their attitude and show character in their adult life. The most important thing is they can pass on this good family values to their future kids.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.

Giving Your Kids Logical Boundaries

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If you are at the brink of losing your wits because your kids simply won’t listen to anything you say, knowing that you are not alone might make you feel a little better. Almost all parents find it difficult, in one way or another, to control their kids at a certain point. That is why most parents look for help as to how a parent can better handle their kids.

Any reference will tell you that the best way to discipline a child is by giving out firm, yet flexible and logical consequences. The parenting strategy of giving logical consequences will transform your life and how your children behave, and you will realize that being a parent is not that hard after all.

Parents need to know that at any age, all kids thrive on consistency and a feeling of security. As they grow, they want to test the limits and it is your job as a parent to let them know that there are certain boundaries to what they are allowed to do.

Setting limits is never an easy thing to do, especially if you want your kids to effectively learn from the logical consequences of the behaviors and choices that they make. You need to remember that disciplining your kids does not necessarily mean having an iron fist, for it can be done from a positive and loving perspective. Here are some examples of the better consequences that you can give your kids in certain situations.

Most parents struggle with setting a certain bedtime routine for their kids, resulting to an inevitable fight between parent and child whenever the latter refuses to go to bed at the agreed time.

One way to get around that problem is set a bedtime with a consistent routine that leads to the child being in his or her bedroom with firm expectations that he or she is to stay there, settle down and fall asleep. Although it would be impossible to force your kids to sleep, you can allow your kids certain “freedom” – lights on or lights off or a bedtime story of their choice – if they stay in the room until they fall asleep.

Setting a regular time for meals facilitate both good food choices as well as good table manners. Plan a list of meals where everybody in the family contributes during the preparation or cleaning up after meals. And if someone behaves improperly at the table, present the logical consequence of missing the meal or not joining the fun during preparation and clean up.

Every parent wants to raise responsible, self-confident and happy children. As long as your kids understand their limitations and that the consequences you set are flexible, reaching that goal will not be that hard.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check on the link for more information.

Taking the Wheel of Your Child’s Life

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When a child learns and has the guts to disrespect his or her parents, majority of the blame goes to the parents themselves. It is the parents’ responsibility to draw clear lines of authority as early as possible because if they don’t, the sense of authority that they have over their child can easily be swayed.

When your child feels unsure about who is the boss of whom in the family, they will likely assume the role and engage in risky behaviors or become bossy and arrogant. When that happens, parents get angry and frustrated with their kids because there is no way of controlling their kids anymore.

If you hope to live in an environment where your child sees you as his best friend, it is perfectly understandable. Every parent wants their children to feel that they are a friend, not a foe. In a perfect world that could work, but in reality there is a fat chance that it will not.

Building a parent-child relationship under that setup is problematic because our society thinks of a friend as someone who does not pose judgments, a person who shares an egalitarian relationship with someone else. And that is the last thing that you want if you want your kids to respect you and value your opinion. It is not exactly your role to be a friend, but it is your role to make judgments and decisions even when your children does not approve of them. You have to be the one who’s in charge, not the other way around.

However, being the boss does not mean controlling your kids, in black and white. It just means that you have to let your kids be aware of their limitations as kids and to introduce them to certain restrictions as well as the consequences of their every action. Being the boss means temporarily steering the wheel of your child’s life until he is equipped enough to do it on his own.

Show your kids the things that they are allowed and not allowed to do while still young. So that when they reach the adolescent age, it will not be as hard for you both. You see, it is during this time of rage and rebellion that kids will want you out of their lives and take control. But you can avoid that setup if you have already established the role of being the one in charge.

Being in-charge means keeping an open mind and a wider understanding of things. If your child commits a mistake, correct him. Even if that means calling the police yourself when he gets into trouble with the law. Although that will be perhaps the most difficult thing any parent can do, you need to have the courage and the power to do what is right for your child no matter what.

Searching for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with ADHD. Check on the link for more information.

Why It Is Important for Parents to Know Their Values

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It is impossible for someone not to believe in a particular set of ideas. Even thieves, believe in something that make them do what they do. No matter how you look at it, believing in a certain set of values will make our lives more peaceful and put everything in order. If you want to teach your kids certain values, you first learn to identify your own.

It is important that parents have their own sets of belief in life. If a father knows the very things that he feels important, then he will be able to look at himself objectively. In the process, he will also be able to understand the things around him and understand the way his kids sees him. Aside from that, he will also be able to improve his self-esteem and self-confidence because he will see the world in a different light.

When you know the things that are most important for you, then you will become a more focused parent and individual. You will be able to shape your expectations and be aware of the expectations that your kids have for you as well. On top of that, you will also be able to handle life’s challenges a lot better if you know what your values are.

You have to understand that there are values that go against each other. Although you will be able to know better, kids will not. If you do not explain these values clearly to your children, they might take on a wrong notion and uphold a distorted set of beliefs.

Of course, you would not want that to happen. When you classify your values in a simple and more understandable way, your kids will be able to understand it better. If you are unsure about the values that are most important for you, simply evaluate your environment.

Take a good look around you, think about the people you like and look at their best qualities. Write these down and take note of their values. If you believe in the same thing, you can take them as yours and add them to your own list of values.

It is also important that you know what each ideal stands for. You can look at the dictionary for a more accurate definition, or you can make a definition of your own. This is not just a good exercise, you will also be able to revisit your own set of values in the process.

Arrange your values according from the most important to the least important. So that when your child asks which is particular principle should come first, you will know how to answer them clearly and properly.

Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Abusive Children. Check on the link for more information.

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