Archive for 'Teens'

All about Projection

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When parents pass on their emotional baggage to their child, the concept of projection happens. Projection can affect a child’s life in great proportions in one or more aspects of his or her life. The effects of projection could be so serious, it could increase a child’s vulnerability to certain behavioral and emotional imbalances.

Children usually inherit or adapt to certain things that they pick up at home, from and through the kind of relationships that they have with their parents. The problem begins when children starts to get nothing but the sensitive issues that their parents carry in their backs – the need for attention or social approval, difficulty in dealing with certain expectations, and the tendency to blame oneself.

Because children are young and fragile, they become very susceptible to inheriting the relationship problems of their parents such as feeling responsible for the happiness of others and vice versa as well as acting impulsively in order to relieve the feeling of anxiety instead of enduring that anxiety for a while to act thoughtfully. The stronger the projection of the parents, the stronger relationship baggage the child inherits from his or her parents.

When a person has too much relationship sensitivity, his or her vulnerability to emotional and behavioral problems can result to a a chronic anxiety in all aspects of one’s life. The process of projection occurs in three stages.

First, the parent sees the child with the fear that something is wrong with the child. Second, the parent sees any behavior of the child as a confirmation of that fear. And third, the parent treats the child as if something is actually wrong with him or her.

The steps of projection usually begin while the child is still young and continues until the child gets older. It is the unrealistic fear of the parents that inspires the problem – the child learns to develop or shape his or her perceptions of the world and of others according to what his or her parents think, embodying the fears and distorted perceptions themselves.

The concept of projection becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the parents constantly try to “fix” the problem of the child according to their personal diagnosis. So when a parent believes that her child has a low self esteem, she will repeatedly affirm the child which consequently leads to the child’s self esteem growing dependent on that affirmation.

A lot of things can go wrong the moment the concept of projection occurs in a family. It could lead to a sibling rivalry, since the other “normal” siblings will not get as much attention as the child who “needs fixing” gets. Parents will also feel confused about their roles and both will often feel unsure of themselves and the kind of relationship that they have with their child.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp for teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Emotional Labels Are Not At All Helpful

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One thing that parents should not do to their kids is to label their behavior with something that sets them off emotionally. There may be times when the kid just had a bad day at school, is a bit crazy, and is having a difficult time with his homework. What the parent often says is that “You’re doing that to make me angry at you, don’t you?”

That thing can set off an inferno in your kid, particularly for the teen-agers who have the rebellious streak in them. The thing is, parents are so fond of labeling it with feelings instead of keeping it a business. Time and again, it is important for a parent to know that parenting demands that you take charge of it as if it were a business.

What is a business like way to go about this scenario is: “Oh, you’re not doing the right things today. You have to start it over. For you to do that, you need to go back to your room and come back to start things right after fifteen minutes.”

It’s simple. There are no explanations, no but’s and if’s, and no questions asked. This is to assert your authority as a parent. This is being firm to your kid and a way of showing your responsible love and concern.

With this, a parent must not dwell with the emotions that most often would like to grab your attention and keep you away from a sound decision. When you are thinking about punishing your kid for one wrong doing, it should still be his well-being that you must focus on. Remember the one main goal for your punishing him is to make him realize his mistake and be able to make sense of why he must be corrected. Yes, that’s the case, even when he is still at a young age.

Moral development for your child takes place gradually. This is one of the instances wherein they can learn much from you. So don’t get frustrated if your kid commits a lot of blunders in decision making and their relationships with others. When you say everyone is a work in progress when it comes to that; that is much, much more applicable to kids.

That is why labeling them with emotional titles will not help. They themselves are not even aware of what they are feeling, most of the time. Oftentimes, parents would have to help their kid process his emotions and may sometimes have to let him understand it is normal to have that feeling.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens’ boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Rebellious Teens – What to do with them?

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rebellious-teensChildren do grow up. They turn into teenagers and form their own opinions, make their own decisions and sometimes they become rebellious. What turns these sweet kids into these angry, hateful and sometimes violent teenagers? This is the age where your children become “little adults” and they should be handled with care. You should deal with them like they are fragile beings. One wrong move and they shatter like glass.

What should you do when you are faced with this situation? First, let me tell you what you should avoid when you have a rebellious teenager in your hands. You should never get in the habit of screaming at your child. We all raise our voice sometimes, but don’t make it a habit. If you do, your child will simply stop listening, see you as “the crazy one” and resent you.

Sarcasm never made anybody feel good about themselves, so avoid this totally. It will only hurt your child.

You might have images in your mind about about hitting your child. When you have run out of patience this might cross your mind. You think to yourself, “maybe if I smack him he’ll change his ways”. Wrong! Resorting to violence is never the answer in solving problems. If you want to develop a loving relationship with your child, don’t take actions that completely destroy this possibility.

This next one is a real classic. Never compare your child to another teenager or to yourself when you were a teenager. Times have changed and the way things were when you were young are not the same in this day and age. We’re smarter now. We know better. Your child wouldn’t care nor listen about such comparisons. This will only irritate him more.

There are many ways to handle a rebellious teenager. Why don’t you start with sitting down with him and talk, just the two of you like two adults. Discuss the problem with him and give him lots of chances to do the talking. Become a good listener. Ask insightful questions. If the conversation is about something such as use of drugs, be supportive while explain your concerns rather than simply barking orders along with the reason “because I say so”. Lay down the rules, stick to the rules, and explain the consequences of breaking them. Make sure your child understands that the consequences are in his control because he can choose to follow rules or to break them. Give your child a reason to choose to follow them. Let your child know that you are proud of him when he has done something good. Last but not the least; communicate.

If all else fails, I highly recommend that you get your own copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman. This program will teach you parenting skills that will help you a lot in dealing with your rebellious teenager.