Archive for 'total transformation'

How to Discipline Your Obnoxious Child

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Parents often have concerns in handling their obnoxious children. There are tools that are needed for these children. Most often, parents also have to address some personal issues they have. One thing that both need to address, referring to the parent and the child, is goal setting.

In proper parenting, before you start to point out so many behavioral problems you have in mind, you must come up with specific goals. But first and foremost, you would need to define what a goal is.

A goal is not a wish. Most often children make wishes, like I want to be a good child to mom or I want to have a B in Math. Parents also commit this mistake of making a wish instead of setting a goal for their parenting.

A goal is when you say I will have to say this in order for Tommy to understand how important it is that he does his assignment. Or it could be that I will do this so that Tommy will find it hard to disobey me when it comes to eating dinner on time.

As a parent, it is also your goal to help your child come up with goals that are achievable and are clear cut for his own understanding. This will make it easier for him to follow.

Another thing that makes a goal a goal is commitment. This commitment is done when you make a pledge or a promise to accomplish something at a certain time line and with specific requirements. Without this pledge, you can’t have a commitment and without commitment there is no goal to speak of.

Kids often take false optimism as commitment. They would often think about doing great things someday and achieving great things. They simply cannot associate that goal with their having to do their homework every night or their having to finish the science project on time and not watching TV too late. It is now the parents’ role to let the child understand the goal, their commitment, and how their actions can lead to the attainment of the goal.

Another defining concept of a goal is specificity. One has to be really specific in one’s goals. You can’t say to your child, “You need to have an early bedtime.” It has to be, “You have to go to bed at 9 PM and not later than that.” By doing this it becomes clear to the child what time he is to sleep and what are the consequences if he won’t sleep at bedtime. This is also true for whatever goal you set with him to correct his problem behaviors and enhance more the right ones.

Here are some tips about children who are obedient that come highly recommended. Also find a variety of parenting help on my website about my problem child.

Do Not Trivialize Your Mistakes

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If you want to make parenting a little bit easier, you need to learn to accept the fact that kids will always be kids. This means that kids are likely to do whatever they feel like doing, even when the outcome ends up not as good as it is supposed to. If you do not accept this fact, you will likely get easily angry or frustrated with your kids.

While it is true that dealing with your child’s mood swings and tantrums is not an easy task, there is something that you can do to somehow lighten up the situation – understand where you child is coming from every time he or she acts out. Perhaps your child is having a bad day or maybe he or he is just trying to get your attention.

One way of changing your child’s behavior for the better is to be consistent with your rules and discipline methods. If you made a rule that they are not allowed to watch TV past 8 in the evening during schooldays, always stick to that rule. It will help if you talk to your spouse about it, so that you will be both effective in disciplining your child and so that you both will know what to do.

It is very important that you understand where your child is coming from, which is why you need to spend time with them as often as possible. When you give your child the attention he or she needs, your child will be less likely to engage in outbursts in public. But if you do not spend time with your kids, they will do everything in their power to get your attention.

Spending time with your kids will also let you understand your child better. It will show you what exactly your child is going through. Spending time with your kids will help you help them solve their problems. Remember, almost every kid finds it hard to go through childhood and it is your job as a parent to help ease their burden.

Another way of changing your child’s behavior is by channeling your child’s energy into something good and more productive. Enroll your child to a summer class when there is no school or let him join a club in school. You need to encourage your child to have extracurricular activities so that he or she will have something to be proud of.

But the best way to change your child’s attitude is to change yours first. Show your child what proper behavior is and what is not. If you start that change, your child will follow your lead and behave.

Do not trivialize your mistakes, especially when your kids are around. Set an example to your child in facing consequences. When you show your child that you yourself are responsible for your own actions, he or she will likely follow.

Is camp for brats beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about my problem children.

Deflating the Rule

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Setting rules with your children is one way of communicating with them and telling them your expectations. Needless to say, in order to be taken seriously by the kids (and I assure you they never forget), you have to be consistent with your rules as part of your parenting tasks. Children will adopt many of the things they observe from their parents and you may want to make consistency as one of the good habits that they may want to inculcate in their young minds and manifest in the future.

You can start testing your consistency by setting up house rules and these rules need not be complicated, in fact simplicity closes the door on disputes and interpretations. By keeping your house rules simple, you can even have the kids memorize them and repeat them to assure that they know what your house rules are. And also, do not make so many house rules.

Make at the most three to five short ones that tackle the most basic of house rules like for instance “Always keep the door closed” or “Always wash your hands before you touch any type of food”. Communication is part of the aim of setting rules and when you set up so many, that is not communicating at all.

When setting up rules, always use positive language which means instead of starting the rules with negative words for instance, in lieu of Do not turn on the television while studying, you may want to put it as: Turn on the television only when done with the schoolwork.

This sets a positive tone on things and makes rules veer away from its negative connotation of restrictions. Instead, it can be construed by your child as regulations to make life better in the future.

Let the child participate in the rule making activity. This brings a sense of ownership to your child which will make them follow the rules even more. And you can even refer to that specific rule as your child’s rule, appending his or her name to it to fortify the sense of ownership and a sense of belonging.

Consistently refer ton the house rules. Children rarely forget but it pays to have them recite the rules as often as can be especially before guests arrive. You may ask him the rules on what specific rooms they can enter together with their playmates and those that they can’t.

Now comes the part when the rule gets broken, even accidentally or intentionally and this is where consistency again is put to the test. Never ever waver on the rules that are set especially with your child. The agreed upon sanctions have to be done to show to tour child that rules were made for specific reasons and there is always a price to pay when one disobeys the rules, whether it were intentional or not.

Is brat camp beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about my problem child.

All about Projection

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When parents pass on their emotional baggage to their child, the concept of projection happens. Projection can affect a child’s life in great proportions in one or more aspects of his or her life. The effects of projection could be so serious, it could increase a child’s vulnerability to certain behavioral and emotional imbalances.

Children usually inherit or adapt to certain things that they pick up at home, from and through the kind of relationships that they have with their parents. The problem begins when children starts to get nothing but the sensitive issues that their parents carry in their backs – the need for attention or social approval, difficulty in dealing with certain expectations, and the tendency to blame oneself.

Because children are young and fragile, they become very susceptible to inheriting the relationship problems of their parents such as feeling responsible for the happiness of others and vice versa as well as acting impulsively in order to relieve the feeling of anxiety instead of enduring that anxiety for a while to act thoughtfully. The stronger the projection of the parents, the stronger relationship baggage the child inherits from his or her parents.

When a person has too much relationship sensitivity, his or her vulnerability to emotional and behavioral problems can result to a a chronic anxiety in all aspects of one’s life. The process of projection occurs in three stages.

First, the parent sees the child with the fear that something is wrong with the child. Second, the parent sees any behavior of the child as a confirmation of that fear. And third, the parent treats the child as if something is actually wrong with him or her.

The steps of projection usually begin while the child is still young and continues until the child gets older. It is the unrealistic fear of the parents that inspires the problem – the child learns to develop or shape his or her perceptions of the world and of others according to what his or her parents think, embodying the fears and distorted perceptions themselves.

The concept of projection becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the parents constantly try to “fix” the problem of the child according to their personal diagnosis. So when a parent believes that her child has a low self esteem, she will repeatedly affirm the child which consequently leads to the child’s self esteem growing dependent on that affirmation.

A lot of things can go wrong the moment the concept of projection occurs in a family. It could lead to a sibling rivalry, since the other “normal” siblings will not get as much attention as the child who “needs fixing” gets. Parents will also feel confused about their roles and both will often feel unsure of themselves and the kind of relationship that they have with their child.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp for teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Project Attainable Expectations to Your Kids

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Everywhere we go, we are bound with certain expectations. There are certain expectations that we have to live up to at work – we need to perform our jobs right, help our co-workers finish a project, and so on. In school, we are also expected to make our assignments and to study. All relationships that we have and in every affiliation or association that we make, there are certain expectations that we have to fulfill.

At home, there are also certain expectations that we have to live up to. The main reason why families function well and remain united is due to the fulfilling of expectations by each family member. Parents are expected to provide for the family and offer food, clothing, comfort and love. Children are also expected to help with chores, to study, and to respect and love their parents.

One good way to avoid family conflicts is to make sure expectations from each member especially that of the children, are clear. As a parent, you need to create a list of expectations that apply to certain situations. By creating a list of expectations for your kids, you are telling them in a way what they should do during certain situations.

When you make your expectations clear to your kids, you are telling them their limitations in the process. Through a list of expectations, children know how they can interact with their friends, with strangers, and even with their romantic partners. By creating a list of expectations, you will be able to effectively show your children how to behave in church, at a restaurant, and in any public place.

However, you need to be consistent with your expectations. The moment you tell your kids that you expect them to be home by 8 p.m. sharp, it should always remain that way. Your expectations should not be variable and should not be easily affected by your mood or your opinion. Your expectations should always remain firm, even when your child feels otherwise.

So when your child gets a high score at test, it does not earn him the right to disrespect you. Even when your child has no school for two days, it does not mean that he or she is allowed to stay up all night and watch TV.

But the most important thing that you have to remember is to make your expectations realistic and reliable. Setting expectations that are too high or too low will lead to mediocre results. That is why you need to keep your expectations at normal, attainable levels and with respect to your child’s age.

Realistic and reasonable expectations will not make your child feel incompetent. Projecting expectations that are too high to attain will only make your child feel like he or she is “not good enough”. Too high expectations will make your child feel less about themselves and will make you unhappy and disappointed all the time.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens for boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Emotional Labels Are Not At All Helpful

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One thing that parents should not do to their kids is to label their behavior with something that sets them off emotionally. There may be times when the kid just had a bad day at school, is a bit crazy, and is having a difficult time with his homework. What the parent often says is that “You’re doing that to make me angry at you, don’t you?”

That thing can set off an inferno in your kid, particularly for the teen-agers who have the rebellious streak in them. The thing is, parents are so fond of labeling it with feelings instead of keeping it a business. Time and again, it is important for a parent to know that parenting demands that you take charge of it as if it were a business.

What is a business like way to go about this scenario is: “Oh, you’re not doing the right things today. You have to start it over. For you to do that, you need to go back to your room and come back to start things right after fifteen minutes.”

It’s simple. There are no explanations, no but’s and if’s, and no questions asked. This is to assert your authority as a parent. This is being firm to your kid and a way of showing your responsible love and concern.

With this, a parent must not dwell with the emotions that most often would like to grab your attention and keep you away from a sound decision. When you are thinking about punishing your kid for one wrong doing, it should still be his well-being that you must focus on. Remember the one main goal for your punishing him is to make him realize his mistake and be able to make sense of why he must be corrected. Yes, that’s the case, even when he is still at a young age.

Moral development for your child takes place gradually. This is one of the instances wherein they can learn much from you. So don’t get frustrated if your kid commits a lot of blunders in decision making and their relationships with others. When you say everyone is a work in progress when it comes to that; that is much, much more applicable to kids.

That is why labeling them with emotional titles will not help. They themselves are not even aware of what they are feeling, most of the time. Oftentimes, parents would have to help their kid process his emotions and may sometimes have to let him understand it is normal to have that feeling.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens’ boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Parenting Teens

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The latest post on our website discusses the challenges of parenting teens. This article will help convince you that there is a way around the problem of difficult teens. It also takes care to mention several important facts that parents should never forget when dealing with teenagers, and which can prove useful in improving relations at home. In addition to reading the article, we also suggest you try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. This at-home child behavior change program can be yours for free if you fill out feedback survey.

Dealing w/ ODD

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If you have a child diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder or ODD, you might find the latest article post on our website helpful. Dealing with ODD is an article that gives you tips on how to handle the type of behavior associated with those suffering from ODD. By simply following these 3 tips, you may find noticeable improvements in the behavior of your child. We also recommend that you try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman for more training on how to handle ODD. You can get the program for free if you fill out a feedback survey.

Why Bribing Your Defiant Kid Is Not A Good Idea

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Many parents try to bribe their defiant children with money. They just don’t have the time nor the patience to discipline their kids. In this day and age, both parents work hard to support the family and career has become very important. For some people, it is no longer satisfactory to have just enough money for the family but to have more in order to buy more, and maybe show off more; and for some people, they are just plain workaholics. Keeping up with the joneses is indeed a tough job that they forget that there are children waiting at home for them. Children that need guidance and supervision.

Due to your absence, your children have found other people to turn to when they are in trouble and you just cannot trust these people with your children’s welfare. So, because of the guilt you feel for not being around when your children need you, you try to compensate it with money or material things. These are the things that rule your world and therefore think that it can also make things right for your kids. Unbeknownst to you, your child could be spending that money on cigarettes, alcohol and worst of all, drugs. Without your guidance, your children have made friends with the wrong set of people who encourage him to do all these bad things and teach them how to get away with it.

It will then become a habit or a game. Every time your child misbehaves, he will make you feel guilty; telling you that you were not there anyway when he needed you and will ask you to give him more money and material things. You will again feel the guilt or you will be just too tired to argue that you will just give in. You dig deeper into your pocket and give him what he wants. Defiant children love this. Imagine: parents are not there to chastise them and then give them money to do whatever they want with it. It’s almost a dream come true. You need to realize that these things are not what matter. Sure we all need money to get by, but you don’t have to spend all your precious time finding it. Your kids are your greatest treasure and they deserve more than just a fat bank account.

Time management is the key to have balance in your life. We always tell our kids that there is a time for everything. If you think there isn’t, then make time for it. There is time for eating, time for cleaning, time for work and time for your children. You need to set a good example. If you don’t have time for your kids, expect them not to have time for you too and the only thing connecting you is money.

Try out new parenting skills on how to deal with your defiant child. Do not condone such acts. It may hurt you and your child at first but you know that in the long run this will benefit you both. Bear in mind that this is for the good of your children.

If you have a child with deviant behavior, I recommend that you grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.

Child Behavior: What About When Parents Get Blamed?

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Most parents are blamed for their child’s behavior because they are the ones who are primarily looked upon and become the basic role model in the family. But parents are not the sole influence on their child’s behavior nor can they be responsible for every negative move a child makes. Children can still become involved in negative behavior even with the most loving and disciplined upbringing.

Most people see the reason or a child’s uncontrollable behavior as being related to parental neglect, or lack of discipline. This is a a common misconception that doesn’t totally apply to everybody. Every individual is responsible for their own actions including the children themselves. The role of parents is to guide a childs behavior but when they get out of control and abusive. Then it’s time to take a step back and analyze why and how this has happened before searching for the solutions.

Obnoxious and abusive children have a knack for blaming others for their actions because they have problems accepting responsibilities. Here’s an example scenario: A kid gets asked to wash the dishes but she’d rather play with her dolls because she broke a couple of plates the last time she did that particular chore. When asked by her mother she says yes. This is followed by a series of questions on why the task isn’t done. She shrugs off the questions rudely.

The reason she acted that way was because that child had problems accepting responsibilities she couldn’t handle. Some kids have underdeveloped skills necessary to solve everyday problems and so this results in them compensating for it by becoming obnoxious and abusive. Not being able to solve the problems by themselves makes the child feel very confused, frustrated and powerless resulting in avoiding responsibilities instead of accepting them.

Once asked, children might reason their way out of a task by saying it’s someone else’s turn, or saying they are being treated unfairly. The child may act as if his feelings are not being heard. What they want is to make you feel guilty so you can give in to their whims and tolerate their bad behavior. Learn to control rather than be controlled. A parent is, without a doubt, one of the greatest influences a child will ever have in his life – for good or for bad. But ultimately, as children get older, they become aware and gradually become responsible for their actions. Coach them all the way and instill in them the good values as any individual should have while they’re still young, malleable and easy to handle. The way the twig is bent, so the tree will grow.

If you have a child with abusive and disrespectful behavior, I recommend that you grab a copy of The Total Transformation by James Lehman.