Archive for 'Tough Love'

Deflating the Rule

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Setting rules with your children is one way of communicating with them and telling them your expectations. Needless to say, in order to be taken seriously by the kids (and I assure you they never forget), you have to be consistent with your rules as part of your parenting tasks. Children will adopt many of the things they observe from their parents and you may want to make consistency as one of the good habits that they may want to inculcate in their young minds and manifest in the future.

You can start testing your consistency by setting up house rules and these rules need not be complicated, in fact simplicity closes the door on disputes and interpretations. By keeping your house rules simple, you can even have the kids memorize them and repeat them to assure that they know what your house rules are. And also, do not make so many house rules.

Make at the most three to five short ones that tackle the most basic of house rules like for instance “Always keep the door closed” or “Always wash your hands before you touch any type of food”. Communication is part of the aim of setting rules and when you set up so many, that is not communicating at all.

When setting up rules, always use positive language which means instead of starting the rules with negative words for instance, in lieu of Do not turn on the television while studying, you may want to put it as: Turn on the television only when done with the schoolwork.

This sets a positive tone on things and makes rules veer away from its negative connotation of restrictions. Instead, it can be construed by your child as regulations to make life better in the future.

Let the child participate in the rule making activity. This brings a sense of ownership to your child which will make them follow the rules even more. And you can even refer to that specific rule as your child’s rule, appending his or her name to it to fortify the sense of ownership and a sense of belonging.

Consistently refer ton the house rules. Children rarely forget but it pays to have them recite the rules as often as can be especially before guests arrive. You may ask him the rules on what specific rooms they can enter together with their playmates and those that they can’t.

Now comes the part when the rule gets broken, even accidentally or intentionally and this is where consistency again is put to the test. Never ever waver on the rules that are set especially with your child. The agreed upon sanctions have to be done to show to tour child that rules were made for specific reasons and there is always a price to pay when one disobeys the rules, whether it were intentional or not.

Is brat camp beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about my problem child.

Stop Blaming Your Kids

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Rearing a child especially in this very modern and all-accessible world can be quite a handful, doubly difficult if you have a couple or more kids in tow. Unlike before when parents’ words are considered commands and they have to really be followed to the letter, children nowadays are exposed to too much information that molds them into very smart kids, too smart for comfort.

But it is not bad at all to expose out children to data that they can use in the future as long as you are to filter the information that is coming in. Keep in mind that children’s brains work like sponges and they easily absorb almost anything that they see especially if no one is there to contest it.

In the book Nobody Knows My Name written by James Baldwin, Baldwin states that: “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders. But they have never failed to imitate them.” This dilemma encapsulates the general situation parents are trapped in.

Some parents, in their efforts to make their children listen to them, in their eagerness to instill what they think is correct, sometimes become too forceful in their attempts and overshoots the goal of making the children listen, really listen.

You see, there is a huge difference between children listening when they are being scolded than children listening when their parents are explaining in a calm and disarming manner. In the heat of the moment, particularly when the kids have done something quite terrible, parents forget the proper way to address such situation, give in to the outbursts of emotions and immediately blame the child or kid for the error done.

Blaming the kids is actually not the strategic way to approach such a situation. Instead of fixing the issue, we might only be driving the problem into the hearts of the children. And when blame is directed to the children consistently, there may come a time that they will unconsciously believe that they are really the one to blame for anything negative that is happening.

This is extremely bad for the child’s psyche because you will only be inculcating in his or her mind that he or she is not good at anything and whatever he or she does may turn into a disaster. In time, this negative feeling will turn into deeper psychologically stressing issues like anxiety, clinical depression, loss of confidence, low self esteem, and eventually even manifest in physical symptoms like headaches and such.

There is a tactful way of addressing such situations and that would be sitting down and discussing in a very composed manner the issue at hand. For example, ask how your child feels after a negative thing has been done. And then, discuss with the child the possible repercussions of his behavior and how it will affect not only other people’s lives but his as well.

Is spoiled brat camp beneficial for your child? Visit Katherine Thompson at her website about problem child.

Project Attainable Expectations to Your Kids

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Everywhere we go, we are bound with certain expectations. There are certain expectations that we have to live up to at work – we need to perform our jobs right, help our co-workers finish a project, and so on. In school, we are also expected to make our assignments and to study. All relationships that we have and in every affiliation or association that we make, there are certain expectations that we have to fulfill.

At home, there are also certain expectations that we have to live up to. The main reason why families function well and remain united is due to the fulfilling of expectations by each family member. Parents are expected to provide for the family and offer food, clothing, comfort and love. Children are also expected to help with chores, to study, and to respect and love their parents.

One good way to avoid family conflicts is to make sure expectations from each member especially that of the children, are clear. As a parent, you need to create a list of expectations that apply to certain situations. By creating a list of expectations for your kids, you are telling them in a way what they should do during certain situations.

When you make your expectations clear to your kids, you are telling them their limitations in the process. Through a list of expectations, children know how they can interact with their friends, with strangers, and even with their romantic partners. By creating a list of expectations, you will be able to effectively show your children how to behave in church, at a restaurant, and in any public place.

However, you need to be consistent with your expectations. The moment you tell your kids that you expect them to be home by 8 p.m. sharp, it should always remain that way. Your expectations should not be variable and should not be easily affected by your mood or your opinion. Your expectations should always remain firm, even when your child feels otherwise.

So when your child gets a high score at test, it does not earn him the right to disrespect you. Even when your child has no school for two days, it does not mean that he or she is allowed to stay up all night and watch TV.

But the most important thing that you have to remember is to make your expectations realistic and reliable. Setting expectations that are too high or too low will lead to mediocre results. That is why you need to keep your expectations at normal, attainable levels and with respect to your child’s age.

Realistic and reasonable expectations will not make your child feel incompetent. Projecting expectations that are too high to attain will only make your child feel like he or she is “not good enough”. Too high expectations will make your child feel less about themselves and will make you unhappy and disappointed all the time.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including teens for boot camp. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem children.

Projections Get in the Way of Parenting

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What you mean by projecting is reading other people’s minds. What happens when you do projection is just like a movie projector. When you feel bad about yourself it is being projected into another person. That’s when you think that they do think poorly of you.

You simply think that it’s a way of reading minds but in fact what you’re doing is you’re putting your own fear and your own self-doubt in the other person’s mind. This doesn’t work for you or for your kids when you’re parenting.

There are times when everything goes wrong and if you see it that way you might translate it as what your child thinks, to the detriment of your own kid. If you want to raise highly positive children you have to be positive yourself. You have to funnel your positivity to your kid. But remember it’s not all blue skies. Being positive doesn’t mean being delusional. When reality bites, you have to make it a point that your kid may be able to understand what you’re going through in their own simple way.

Projections can also happen the other way around. Sometimes kids also project what they feel towards themselves to you. When this happens you need to keep on reassuring them that what you think of them is exactly the opposite of that. You have to keep giving positive reassurance when this happens. Always make them feel that you’re accepting and that you understand how they feel, but there’s one thing you shouldn’t do and that is to make them see that you’re giving up on them.

Projecting is a symptom of an unhealthy mind. When you tend to project negativity, you probably have low self-esteem, have been hiding a lot of issues, and may even have issues about self-respect. However, when you project yourself too positively, it may be that you have superiority complex or have high self-esteem, which may sometimes be not that good as well.

That’s why they say that we all are a work in progress. We always have to check ourselves and try to make sure that we make a balanced thought of our surroundings and other people. We do this for our kids, for our loved ones, but most of all, for ourselves.

We owe it ourselves to experience life positively and to experience all our relationships positively. If we love in this manner, no amount of negativity can bring us down, whatever our goal may be, but most particularly when we are trying to raise our children.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about problem children.

Teach Your Kids to Be Honest

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Finding out that your child has lied to you is utterly heartbreaking. After that one incident, you begin to feel apprehensive every time your child tells you something. After knowing for a fact that your child is capable of lying, you find it hard to trust anything that your child tells you. A sound child and parent relationship does not work that way, which is why you need to learn how to handle it.

While parents try as much as they can to let their children know the importance of honesty, there are still a few times when children forget about it. Because they are young, children are prone to shortcuts, failures, and temptations. These natural tendencies often lead to an occasional untruth, called the “white lie”.

A while lie is generally “harmless”, but then again kids can easily understand it in the wrong way. In order to prevent your kids from dishonesty, you have to nip the problem right in the bud. So that your kids will be discouraged from lying you have to teach them how to be honest.

The first step in teaching honesty is making your expectations of honesty very clear. You have to let your child know that telling the truth is very much important, therefore he should aim for it as much as possible. Tell your child that there are consequences for lying. As early as possible, nurture honesty in your kids as a desirable character trait.

But teaching your kids about being honest when you are dishonest yourself is just purely wrong. If you want to show your kids the importance of honesty, model honest behavior to your child. Prevent yourself from telling lies or misrepresenting facts. Kids are very keen observers and they know when they are being lied to, so do not risk it.

You have to reinforce any act of honesty too. When you reward your kids every time they tell the truth, you are also encouraging them to continue the behavior. Every time your kid is honest during a difficult situation, praise them for making the right move. After telling the truth about a sensitive situation, appreciate them.

It is very important that you believe your kids. So when you feel that your child is not telling you the truth, do not jump into hasty conclusions right away. Before you make any judgments, evaluate the facts first. It is very important that you find out for a fact that your kids are telling the truth or not before you accuse them of lying.

Teaching kids how to be honest is a daunting task. But if you make honesty a principle to live by, following through with it might not be as difficult. Take every opportunity there is and share the value of honesty with your kids as much as you can.

Author Katherine Thompson enjoys sharing on topics including boot camp teens. Learn how to be a better parent by visiting her website about my problem child.

Parenting Teens

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The latest post on our website discusses the challenges of parenting teens. This article will help convince you that there is a way around the problem of difficult teens. It also takes care to mention several important facts that parents should never forget when dealing with teenagers, and which can prove useful in improving relations at home. In addition to reading the article, we also suggest you try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. This at-home child behavior change program can be yours for free if you fill out feedback survey.

Military Schools

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Today our website offers a new article that discusses the appropriateness of sending kids to military schools for reformation. It is a fact today that military schools have changed and are actually distancing themselves from their brat camp reputation in the past. They only take the best now and if you were considering sending your misbehaving child there, you could be in for a surprise. To help you decide on whether or not to send your child there, read our post, Military Schools, now. To learn more skills in handling difficult behavior in children, we recommend the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. You can get it for free if you fill out a feedback survey.

Difficult Teen

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The article we posted on our blog today is for parents who are having a tough time with their teens. It zeroes in on the often overlooked cause of the teens’ difficult behavior. Parents need to accept that teens require a different kind of treatment from children, and this article titled, Difficult Teen, discusses what are the adjustments they need to make in order to handle their teens effectively. To learn more ways to handle rebellious and disrespectful teens, try the Total Transformation Program by Dr. James Lehman. This behavior program can be yours if you fill out a feedback survey.

Tough Love

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Tough-loveParenthood is probably one of the most paradoxical jobs. Oftentimes parents blame themselves for their child turning out not exactly the way they envisioned the child to be. Parents blame themselves when the child becomes an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gang member. What to do with this child? This is probably the worst parental nightmare. On the one hand there is the natural parental predisposition to be protective of, and pander to, every whim and caprice of the child. On the other hand there is the natural desire to reform the child and to see him grow up to be a responsible adult.

The parent who does care about the child, his welfare and his future, and who wants the child to be prepared to face the harsh realities of life, is sometimes constrained to practice tough love.

Tough love is a term used when one person treats another with seeming harshness but in reality does so with the good of that person in mind. There is an actual feeling of love and affection but this is blurred by the seeming merciless treatment that is being shown.

Tough love entails a degree of sacrifice on the part of the parent, especially on the part of the doting parent. It is not easy to be tough on one’s own child. Who wants to be tough on one’s child?

A parent’s natural instinct is be soft on the child. Much as he wants to be however, he also understands that he has to exercise a modicum of toughness if he is to be of any help to the problem child. He realizes that the only way to discipline the child and solve the problem is for the parent to be firm and unyielding in his discipline. This will at times require him to be harsh or even callous, something that is abhorrent to a parent. Most parents hate being strict to the point of being harsh with their children. But parents also realize that not exercising firmness will result in the child going merrily on with his malevolence, something which is just as, if not more, abhorrent to the parents.

There is then reason enough to exercise tough love on children. Parents must realize early on that under certain circumstances, there really is a need for them to be tough on the child to the point of being harsh and maybe even callous. This may not be appreciated by the child at the onset. In fact the child will in all probability hate it. But the parent must persist in the thought that it is the only way to act if he is to help the child. With perseverance and determination, tough love tempered with kindness and compassion will produce the desired result and end in the improvement in the child’s life. This will make him ready to face life and appreciate the good things that life brings.

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